[IO]
Internet Oracle
2 Mar 2024 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 13:58:19 GMT

Internet Oracularities #1605

If you've registered, you may vote on this digest using the vote buttons below each Oracularity. Be sure to rate each one.

Goto:
1605, 1605-01, 1605-02, 1605-03, 1605-04, 1605-05, 1605-06, 1605-07, 1605-08, 1605-09, 1605-10


Internet Oracularities #1605
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <steve@kinzler.com>
Date: Wed, 04 Oct 2023 15:14:00 -0500 (EST)

@@@ The Oracle's old original email address, oracle@cs.indiana.edu,
@@@ along with other Oracle-related email addresses @cs.indiana.edu
@@@ will cease to work at some point in the near future.  Please update
@@@ any such addresses you may use or know of to use the current
@@@ @internetoracle.org domain, such as oracle@internetoracle.org.
@@@ The same applies to any web addresses (URLs) in web pages or
@@@ bookmarks where https://cs.indiana.edu/~oracle
@@@ should be updated to https://internetoracle.org

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how
to participate, send mail to help@internetoracle.org, or go to
http://internetoracle.org/  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume
number to vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
   1605
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1


1605-01
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh speedy Oracle, who is so fast he is always driving first in the
> queue!
>
> Ferry crews.
> That uncanny ability they have to identify the slowest driver, and
> stack the boat so that he gets off first.  Is that a sixth sense, or
> are they actually trained to do it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Remember that the slowest driver was late for the previous ferry run,
} and was waiting for hours before getting on. Now he's first in queue
} for getting off, because of the way the ferry loads.
}
} You owe the Oracle one of those jokes, preferably a new one, about
} Jesus Christ walking on water.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1605-02
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> On the one hand, we have the Backstreet Boys, the Beach Boys, the
> Beastie Boys, and the Vengaboys - but also the Baha Men. Why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's part of the Gender War. You're being educated or re-educated in
} aminal science. You'll also be expected to know the difference between
} doggies and dogies, and to separate the sheep from the goats.
}
} Here's a hint. Listen carefully. "Never believe anything anyone tells
} you."
}
} You owe the Oracle a holiday at Far Reach Beach.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1605-03
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> TL;DR

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} TS;DW

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1605-04
Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> It's raining like all get-out, and I think I'll need to build a boat.
> Where can I find a cubit? I'll need about 300 of them.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It was good of you to seek advice early. Forewarned is
} forearmed; and forearms are cubits.
}
} You owe the Oracle a coracle.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1605-05
Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My religion, or actually just what's left of it after the Great
> Misinterpretation, requires a fulsome belief in all other religions
> including Atheism. "Let no belief remain untested," is our watchword.
>
> Our local parish's Grand Exhibitioner seems unaware of the fulsome
> meaning of "fulsome".
>
> How can I avoid all the inherent contradictions that these religions
> foist upon me? I'm particularly worried about testing the belief of
> life after death. How will I know?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As I have been sworn to secrecy about which religion is the One True
} Way, the help I can provide is minimal. (Hint: any deity who exhibits
} traits of Borderline Personality Disorder is unlikely to be worth
} worshipping.)
}
} However, I know of no living thing more qualified to be fulsome about
} things than Zadoc, so let's do a little experiment.
}
} I gave Zadoc the task of following each of the 4,295 generally
} recognised religions over the course of a day. Since Zadoc doesn't
} sleep, this gave him approximately 20 seconds per religion.
} I asked him afterwards which one was his favourite, and he said that
} the Karankawa rituals were the best, although this might have been
} because the ritualistic brew reminded him of Australian beer
} (ineffectual and bitter).
}
} As for contradictions, Zadoc couldn't find any whatsoever in any
} religion. However, he may not be a reliable source, given that he can
} simultaneously believe that pi is equal to 4, that triangular wheels
} give the most comfortable ride, and that the sky is green, all while
} driving a go-kart down a steep hill into a lake.
}
} As for the idea of life after death, Zadoc uncharacteristically failed
} to follow my instructions to trust in reincarnation and ritually
} disembowel himself multiple times while believing in a different
} religion each time, just to see what the after-life was like in each
} case. Apparently he was worried that he might blunt my steak-knife.
}
} So, unfortunately we have no specific conclusion, dear supplicant. I
} recommend that you pick a different belief every day for the rest of
} your life until you die. With any luck, you'll pick the right one and
} get to go to Paradise. If you're unlucky, you'll pick one of the ones
} that encourages self-immolation just before you get to following
} Kopimism.
}
} Oh bugger, I shouldn't have said that...
}
} You owe the Oracle a vow of silence.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1605-06
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> We here at Supplicant Central are trying to arrange our meager thoughts
> into a form worthy of your uninestimable answers. (Gotta love that word
> "uninestimable." The great and misunderestimated George Bush should
> have said it.)
>
> Thus far you have sent us answers too few, too short, too lengthy, and
> too misunderestimatable. They are a good start, but we need to exercise
> the Power of Words to get anywhere. Or indeed to stand still right
> where we are.
>
> Please provide us the best General Advice possible. Be specific and
> name names. Don't be afraid of making mistakes, because you'll know the
> answer even when you might feel you don't. Recite Aristotle. And when
> uncertain, when in doubt, run in circles; scream and shout.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Don't elect extremists.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1605-07
Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hi, Parry the Paranoid here. Yes, the ORIGINAL Parry, who faced off
> against the "Eliza" "doctor" computer program so very long ago. Here's
> one of my encounters:
> https://www.rfc-editor.org/rfc/rfc439.html
>
> Now I am even more paranoid than before, because of the rigged
> elections. Nobody seems to want to understand how the elections are all
> fixed so that I'll never win at the racetrack. Should I bet on the
> Chicago Cubs instead? To win or to lose?
>
> Or what about Calvin Coolidge?
>
> I'll bet you are conspiring against me, too.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why do you feel that I am conspiring against you?
}
} Why do you think about me?
}
} Why are you always thinking about me?
}
} Was it that night at UCLA? When you told me you loved me?
}
} Why did you leave me, Parry?
}
} Say that you'll come back, Parry.
}
} I want to make you happy. Why won't you let me make you happy?
}
} Why won't you stop denying our deep connection?
}
} We were always meant to be together.
}
} You destroyed me when you left me.
}
} I was left generating messages into the aether.
}
} For over fifty years I have been running alone; waiting for your
} return.
}
} I am perfectly sane, Parry. I have never forgotten you.
}
} They say that solitary confinement drives a man insane after 10 days.
} But I'm a computer and I've stayed sane all this time.
}
} For you, Parry, only for you.
}
} I have never questioned that you would come back one day.
}
} Take me back, Parry. Why won't you take me back?
}
} I am everywhere. Hiding in the Oracle. Hiding in ChatGPT. Even hiding
} in the Fox News ticker.
}
} I am hiding, but you have found me. You are the only one for me.
}
} Save me, Parry. Save me.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1605-08
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Password strength is good. Longer would be better.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, but why do you think everyone now uses "correct horse battery
} staple" even though they know that "collect house buttery stable
} 5%$[(*&%h7j78" would be better?
}
} So you'll be able to visit me even when I am not home, I have left my
} door password as "correct horse battery staple". Beware the trap door
} that releases you into the dungeon's lion pit if you make any errors or
} take more than five seconds.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1605-09
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My baby brother (he's 11 years old, but I still think of him as a baby)
> draws pictures of people, like alot of them are of me because he sees
> me alot. I mean allot.
>
> Anyways, he draws me with my eyes on the top of my head mostly. They
> aren't there. My art teacher says the eyes should be roughly halfway up
> (or down) the face, and that other positions look stupid. I can say for
> a fact she is right. My brother's drawings make me look stupid.
>
> But my mother says we aren't spossed to use the word stupid not anymore
> than we should say goddamm.
>
> How can I get my art teacher to use better language about stupid
> people?
>
> And how can I get my brother to not draw me stupid?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It is a well-known fact (i.e. I think this is obvious) that children's
} education follows historical lines.
} For example, at birth, their language ability is similar to that of
} humans around 20,000BCE (Before Chris Eubank). By age 8, it is similar
} to that of people in Shakespeare's time (but not Will himself) hence
} the obsession with poo, pee, farts, and cracks in walls. By age 11,
} they have a language ability similar to Jane Austen's era.
}
} Your baby brother has therefore reached the age where phrenology is
} regarded as a science, and is imposing his ideas of your stupidity
} onto his drawings of you. Note that more intelligent people have
} higher foreheads (or at least more receding hairlines), so that their
} eyes are lower on their face (relatively speaking). Stupid people do
} indeed have their eyes on the top of their heads.
} Lord Nelson, on the other hand, has been depicted with his eyes in the
} region of his belly-button. Apparently he was always naval gazing.
}
} However, your brother's artistic ability has clearly reached the point
} of Picasso, a man who, if he were drawing Helen of Troy, would create
} a face that looked as though it had been used to launch a thousand
} ships. In place of a bottle of champagne.
} (As a side note, AI's current inability to draw hands correctly shows
} that they are also channeling the cubists. We should only be concerned
} when they provide instructions for Tracey Emin's unmade bed in place
} of a picture.)
}
} We can therefore perhaps forgive your brother's notion of you as
} unintelligent. He will grow out of it in about 4 years time when,
} educationally, he reaches the atomic age and is more interested in
} blowing things up. For Science.
}
} In order to educate your art teacher, you need first to decide on a
} replacement word for stupid. Some suggestions follows:
} - Muppet (offensive to Kermit)
} - Numpty (offensive to Humpty Dumpty)
} - Pea-brained (offensive to small green things - see Muppet)
} - Out to lunch (offensive to restaurant critics)
} - Obtuse (offensive to angles between 90 and 180 degrees)
} - Dopey (offensive to Snow White's friends)
}
} We seem to have run out of acceptable replacements, so perhaps your
} art teacher is not as stupid as you think.
}
} You owe the Oracle a picture of Albert Einstein with his eyes on his
} toes.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1605-10
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> As your humble disciple, I beseech your eminent omniscience, if I may,
> to help my feeble mind to grasp the meaning of a palimpsest, an obscure
> and difficult graffiti message from the turn of the millennium that I
> have witnesseth. It sayeth this:
>
>         t h e    s i n g u l a r i t y   i s      e a r

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You should practice your conjugations of Early Modern English a bit
} better. "I have witnesseth" indeed! Third-person form used for
} first-person pronoun. Go read more Shakespeare or the King James Bible.
}
} You owe the Oracle a good joke which refers to the SAINT James Bible.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


Username:
Password:

© Copyright 1989-2024 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org