[IO]
Internet Oracle
13 Nov 2024 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 7:32:24 GMT

Internet Oracularities #1608

If you've registered, you may vote on this digest using the vote buttons below each Oracularity. Be sure to rate each one.

Goto:
1608, 1608-01, 1608-02, 1608-03, 1608-04, 1608-05, 1608-06, 1608-07, 1608-08, 1608-09, 1608-10


Internet Oracularities #1608
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <steve@kinzler.com>
Date: Fri, 12 Jul 2024 19:56:30 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how
to participate, send mail to help@internetoracle.org, or go to
http://internetoracle.org/  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very bad") to 5 ("very good") with the volume
number to vote@internetoracle.org (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
   1608
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1


1608-01
Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise one, the minstrels in my mind are most repetetive. They recite the
> same ballads and epics, night and day.
>
> I fear I might be driven mad by the unchanging verses; how might I
> instruct these weary bards of new songs with which to serenade my daily
> toil?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First, find and read Mark Twain's railway story, "Punch, Brothers,
} Punch." Through it you will understand your own problem and mine also.
}
} Next, work your best at becoming an expert in Parliamentary Procedure
} as put forth in Robert's Rules of Order, Newly Revised. That book will
} reveal your calling, previously undiscovered, as the savior or the
} blight of meetings at your church, your hobby club, or your local
} government entity. They all rely on Robert's Rules, 12th edition. Some
} groups use it more effectively than others.
}
} Then go find the old tune, "When Johnny Comes Marching Home." It's from
} the time of the American Civil War.
}
} A bit of scouring the Flabulous Internet will ultimately reveal to you
} the "Ballad of Robert's Rules," written perhaps 40 years ago by Dr.
} George P. Flynn of the New England Science Fiction Association and set
} to the Johnny tune. Like any good club, NESFA also use Robert's Rules.
}
} There's some almost-real history in that song. Sing it; you'll learn
} about General Henry M. Robert. Eventually you may manage to remove it
} from my overburdened mind.
}
} Punch, Brothers, Punch With Care.
} Punch in the presence of the passenjare.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1608-02
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I didn't mean to do that! What's wrong with me!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Here's a short list.
}
} 1. Failure to grovel.
} 2. Failure to recruit other supplicants.
} 3. Failure to write supplications that are good enough to appear in the
}    digests.
} 4. Failure to make a longer list that further enumerates your failures.
}
} You do not owe the Oracle the longer list. Instead use it to improve
} yourself by teaching others to be prize-winning supplicants.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1608-03
Selected-By: David Hemming <lightinchains@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I can't decide between "classic" or "modern"; what's the difference?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A classicist can make a decision; a modernist cannot.
}
} You owe the Oracle a headline in Stymie Bold.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1608-04
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The Dennis wants to remove my widsom teeth. Won't that keep me from
> being smart like you? Do oracles (including you, the ever-hopeful and
> boistrous Internet Oracle) have wisdom teeth? Why would you get them
> removed?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Wisdom teeth are a myth, invented by the Tooth Fairy (trading name of
} Mouth Gougers Inc.).
}
} Most parents don't believe in the Tooth Fairy, and therefore feel the
} need to pay up when their children lose their baby-teeth. There is
} much discussion on parent forums about the current going-rate for
} teeth, from 50p up to =3DC2=3DA35 (or their local equivalent).
} However, what the parents don't realise is that MG Inc. takes both
} the tooth and a tax of 50% on the parental contribution.
}
} MG Inc. is an evil corporation, with no reason to exist other than a
} desire for profit and tooth-enamel, which they sell as an
} ivory-substitute. Its employees are poorly paid (they're always
} looking down in the mouth), and more overworked than Santa's elves.
}
} Anyway, back to your wisdom teeth. MG Inc. is invested in parents of
} young children (coincidentally around the age when "wisdom teeth"
} become a "problem") remembering the relief of having teeth removed,
} and then wanting to mirror that relief in the child by giving them as
} much money as possible when they lose their teeth.
}
} So, if you're sick to the back teeth of your dentist wanting to remove
} your "wisdom teeth", just let them know that you're not in thrall to
} MG Inc. and that you'll take care of the pain yourself by drinking
} lots and lots of sugary drinks, until all your teeth dissolve so that
} they're no longer of any use to MG Inc.
}
} You owe the Oracle some more pearly-whites of wisdom.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1608-05
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why are there Clark bars but no Bruce bars? Or Lewis bars?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The estate of Arthur C. Clarke bars such questions.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1608-06
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You know the arfonizzm about "the genie is out of the bottle." Well,
> that's my problem. My friend Jeanie is an alcoholic. A lush. A wino
> without portfolio. And right now she's a Jeanie without a bottle.
>
> Please tell me how to stop enabling her nasty habit of drinking, but
> without having her complain to me about why haven't I gone and bought
> her more.
>
> Perhaps you need another friend. She could be YOUR friend instead of
> mine, and I wouldn't have to out up with her begging and whining.
>
> Where should I send her, now that you've finished moving out of
> Bloomington, Indiana?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Don't send her to:
} The Bottle, Alabama.
} Leathern Bottle, Gloucestershire, UK.
} Tittybottle, Bishop Auckland, UK.
} Brandy Bottle Spring, Ousby, UK.
}
} You owe the Oracle some vodka flavoured water.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1608-07
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You have gotten me into so much damn trouble! You are an Oracle Beyond
> Belief!!! All I did was to follow your advice.
>
> Here's what happened. We were to produce an opera, Carmen, by Bizet.
> Sounds harmless enough, and we were bankrolled by someone whose name
> you would recognize instantly if I remembered it. We had secured a
> tenor, specifically a Hold-Em Tenor, from Dallas or maybe Dulles.
> (Never sure about these crazy singers and where they sprang up from.)
> He had good credentials and promised never to think about trying to
> sing Der Hoelle Rache, not even the famous version by Florence Foster
> Jenkins.
>
> Turns out we had not reckoned with the Carmen's Union. Yes, there is
> one. It's Local 589 and is right here in Massachusetts, a place you'll
> occasionally wish you weren't. They got wind of our plans, probably by
> having once had spies in the Weather Underground Subway, back before
> the Red Line went all the way to the South Shore.
>
> Anyway, they got in touch with the Plumbers' Union, Plumbers &
> Gasfitters UA Local 12. Those people, confused by the similar words
> Bizet and Bidet, assumed full control over our production. The
> gasfitters are now practising for all the singing parts. Mostly they're
> watching and rewatching the campfire scene in Blazing Saddles. That's
> all of them except for Mumbles McMoon, who thinks he is an enforcer.
>
> McMoon (no relation to Florence Foster Jenkins's long-suffering pianist
> of the same name) is the only one who really understands our inept
> difficulties.
>
> How can I get McMoon put in charge of everything, so we don't lose the
> contract for nonperformance? Our show is supposed to open at the
> Shubert Theatre at 265 Tremont Street tomorrow evening.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Get another union in; they'll soon show the gas-fitters their place.
} The campfire scene shows their appreciation of the wind-section, but
} the opera itself is for the motor-mechanics.
}
} You owe the Oracle a performance of Two-rear-door chorus from Bizet's
} Car-men, sung by the late Luciano Carburotti.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1608-08
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein)<daniel.v.klein@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I thought evil people were in my back yard, peeking through the window.
> I talked to my doctor about it, and he explained paranoia.
>
> So now I know they are paranoids.
>
> What's the best way to keep paranoids away? I can't simply stay drunk.
> That seems to invite more of them. They probably want to drink my
> schnapps.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} W-Who wants to know?

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1608-09
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <mtlrph@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ich heisse hier Hasenpfeffer. Harald Hasenpfeffer. Harald Heissmann
> Hasenpfeffer. Bin Hase. Ich moechte Hasenpfeffer nicht fressen. Was
> soll ich tun?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I prefer Japanese. I can't understand that either, but it looks
} cooler.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


1608-10
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <mtlrph@gmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When I asked you before about Pungent Sound I didn't know what I was
> doing. You told me that I was myself the Pun Gent Sound and I thought
> you were full of it. Now I think I understand, so please repeat your
> insulting explanation, but m-u-c-h   s-l-o-w-e-r this time. And not
> stupid. No fair telling me what you think is hte truth. Yeah!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You were in the pun contest, weren't you. Unfortunately, fewer than
} 10% of your puns made the cut.
}
} No pun in ten did.

Vote: (very bad) 1    2    3    4    5 (very good)


Username:
Password:

© Copyright 1989-2024 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org