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1609, 1609-01, 1609-02, 1609-03, 1609-04, 1609-05, 1609-06, 1609-07, 1609-08, 1609-09, 1609-10

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, who knows how many licks it takes to get to the center > of a Tootsie Pop, > > what time is it in London?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You're thinking of New London, which is in Connecticut, not Lost London } which is in Disconnecticut which is why nobody's ever heard of it. } Regardless, it's too late and you should be asleep. You owe the Oracle } a new antique Rolex.

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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Do you ever just get tired of stuff? Like the dishes. You do the dishes > then you gotta do them again and on and on and on. It's Sisyphean. not > syphilian though that's something different. Although it would be very > easy to get tired of syphilis too i suppose. Anyway my question is > what would happen if goldfish grew legs

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Go and observe your goldfish. If you wait long enough you'll see that } they are growing legs. } } Oh, oh, look! There's one sprouting legs right now. } } Sorry, that's not a goldfish, it's a tadpole. It'll soon be a frog, } awaiting the kiss of a voluptuous girl. } } NOT YOU, STUPID! DO NOT KISS THAT FROG!! } } ( * (SPROING!) ) } } Dammit, now you've done it. You've turned a beautiful but slimy green } frog into an ugly toad. You owe the Oracle an invitation to the } wedding, which I shall happily decline.

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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Our pastor has just renamed our church (he says it's HIS church). It is > now The Churchh of the Appoplectic Revivial. Should I simply change to > being Catholic? Or Jewish? Or something else? What would be best? > Sunday approaches and I really don't want to be there.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You should start your own religion; it's what all the best people do } (many of the worst as well). } } Some suggestions for making your new cult successful: } } 1) Make sure the rules are very specific. Nothing as general as "Do } unto others as you have them do unto you". Try, "Give small ceramic } frogs to people with whom you've had a minor falling out on the } anniversary of your first meeting." } } 2) Introduce some penalty for non-adherents. Preferably something that } will convince enough gullible, confirmation-bias-susceptible people } there's something in it: If you do not follow me with enough fervour, } you will occasionally be attacked by gulls. } } 3) Ensure your followers can identify themselves and anyone not inside } the cult: Our followers always carry a ball of lavender soaked in the } sap of three stick-insects. } } 4) Discover some miracles that can't be disproved easily. Anything as } obvious as "Wanlockhead was saved from flooding by divine providence" } when we know perfectly well that Wanlockhead is 467m above sea-level } and had no chance of flooding in a month of Mondays is not good. Try, } "The plague of foxes was poised to invade Borth when a } divinely-inspired sheep dropped from a tree onto the fox-chief's } head." } } 5) Surround yourself with a few close adherents: Pick the friends who } don't know you that well. Your closest friends will just point out } that it's Trevor spouting rubbish again. Others will be so glad to see } you again after all these years that they'll go along with whatever } you say for a laugh. Once you induce guilt in them, they'll stay for a } lifetime. } } 5b) While we're at it, change your name. No divinely inspired leader } was called Trevor. Find a name from a distant country (or the past) } that sounds a bit mystic and royal and use that. Try "Ethelred Khan } the Crown Prince of Upper Hand" } } 6) Create some form of ritual: Say you meet up on Tuesdays after } pub-closing time (if the pubs don't shut before your bedtime, petition } the council until they do), where you all don beach shorts on your } hands and walk around on all fours reciting the last three verses of } The Hunting of The Snark. } } 7) Prepare for succession. When you die (or at least stop moving), } your followers will become disillusioned and drift away. If you want } the cult/guilt to survive after your death, claim that the most } fervent adherent of the inner circle will inherit the beach shorts of } superiority and your personal copy of Alice In Wonderland. Leave each } of these to a different person in your will and let them fight it out } later. If you're lucky, one of them will claim to have been given } metaphorical beach shorts, at which point we're in the realms of the } supernatural (or at least super-disturbing naturism) and the cult is } ripe for expansion. } } You owe the Oracle two ceramic frogs for not coming to Snark practice } for the last two Tuesdays. If you don't, may you forever be losing } pens and small change to Barry, my pet gull.

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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You read my report on the Hoover Damn, which I didn't understand at > all, as I thought it was a cursed vacuum cleaner. Now I just found out > it has water in it. The Rainbow brand vacuum has water in it, but the > Hoover does not. Please help me learn selective memory rewriting so I > can be slightly less wrong.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You can fine tune your memory as follows: } } 1) Bring a topic to the forefront of your mind. } 2) Very gently hit yourself on the forefront of your mind to destroy }    the memory. } 3) Try to remember why you hit yourself on the head in the first place. } } This is a technique that Zadoc has used several times, and as a result } he no longer remembers the names of the kings and queens of England, } the correct way to address a Duke, or exactly what spats are. } } You owe the Oracle a Hubert Cecil Booth, a kind of closet for people } who wish to be forgotten.

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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is at stake here? > > What is the purpose of this hearing?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You're at stake, tied to it. You are hearing the peasants approaching } with their torches and their hogsheads of very inflammable beef tallow. } They are yelling that you forgot to grovel before me and will pay the } price. } } I'll call off the peasants if you agree to owe me some good grovelling } and four dozen new supplicants.

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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I've been thinking about these new "driverless car" plans. > > In particular, I've been considering how they mesh with the > manner of driving that has been used, traditionally, in Boston, > Massachusetts, since before there were automobiles. That'll be "driving > by intimidation" in which the rules of engagement are not unlike the > activity of bluffing in poker. (And yes, as great-grampa told me, > people drove their horse carriages the same way!) > > Some of the nuances include: > - The big vehicle has the right of way over the smaller. > - The faster vehicle has the right of way. > - The uglier vehicle doesn't care what happens to it, and grabs the >   right of way. > - Backing up into the car behind results in a successful claim for >   "following too closely". > - The vehicle going the wrong way on a one-way street requires the rest >   of the traffic to back up. > - Right-turn on red can be taken at any time. > - Left-turn on red and straight-ahead on red similarly. > - When waiting at a stoplight, the "oncoming traffic" lane may be used >   to get ahead of the nincompoop in front of you. > - A red light is merely pink until five seconds after it turns red. > - Anything done to cause a semi-trailer to take evasive action is >   socially acceptable. > - Everyone behind you is a maniac, and everyone in front of you is a >   nincompoop. > > Some of these rules obviously conflict with others. In particular, some > of them require mind-reading. > > How does the software in the driverless car manage such situations?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  .begin;.disregard(rules);.target(person.last.on.earth); } .pedal.accelerate(fast);..end(human.race);.begin(a.whole.new.world);

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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please set me on the True Path of the Sepulveda of the Church of the > Holy Epithet. With your astonishing help there will be no way I can > avoid winning, even if I stop for lunch. > > Where do I go first?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I usually go to the loo before starting out. Saves embarrassing } accidents later. } } Anyway, you young people are all the same these days, always wanting } your hand holding. In my day our spiritual advisors would push us out } of the door with a compass and an A-Z of London. If we made it out of } Milton Keynes before being set upon by witches, we were doing well. } } So, let's check you've got everything you need. } } 1) Crucifix (a Screwfix loyalty card is *not* the same thing, although }    being stabbed through the throat by the business end of a Black & }    Decker Hammer Drill will slow down even the most blood-thirsty }    vampire). } } 2) Holy water (still, not sparkling - if Our Lord's personality was }    ever described, "effervescent" is not an appropriate word). } } 3) Money (I know St Pauline (of the Pauline epistles) said something }    about it being the root of all evil, but you try buying food with }    just a winning personality and a smile, and you'll find yourself }    feeding the fishes, and I don't mean at Jack McHardy's Discount Pet }    Store). } } 4) Map (preferably not the Mappa Mundi; its attention to detail could }    best be described as "distracted". A 1:25,000 scale Ordnance Survey }    will suffice). } } If you've got all that, then just go out of the door, and turn } widdershins. } } Left, you idiot! Left! } } You owe the Oracle a version of Google Maps that marks dens of } iniquity (so that I can avoid them, obviously).

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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have a couple of maybe-serious questions about God, the Big-G God, > who as we have heard is even more omniscient than you the Omniscient > Oracle. > > First, does God kneel when He prays? To whom? In which direction does > he possibly kneel? > > Also, according to Bishop Berkeley we are merely thought in the Mind of > God. What are the best ways for reading His Ineffable Mind?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I appreciate the grovel, but although I am extraordinarily wise, I am } not quite omniscient.  God, however, is omniscient, except on alternate } Tuesdays. } } When God preys, he kneels before his prey to reach it better.  Facing } the prey, of course. } } Bishop Berkeley - or that old Berk, as I like to call him - didn't know } what he was talking about.  How can we be mere thought in the mind of } God? God's mind, as you noted, is ineffable, whereas lots of us are } effed all the time.  (Not you, Supplicant, I know; but your day will } come.)  So we must have existence outside of God's mind. } } You owe the Oracle a god of your own making.

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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My paper on the founder of thermodynamics Sadi Carnot and his so-called > Carnot Cycle suffered greatly from the corrections that my inept > brother applied. I just wanted him to check my spelling and grammar, > but he thought he was a know-it-all and he tried to improve everything. > > Instead of thermodynamics, the paper I allowed my brother to hand in > for me was all about the impossibility of bicycling, and was titled, > "Sadly Cannot Cycle". > > This is yet another in the series of complaints I have made to you on > the difficulties I have with grammar, spelling, the English language, > the French language, French people, computers, lack of computers, > oxymorons, time travel, Mexican jails, over-stretched puns, Donald > Knuth, poor Oracular answers, Perl programming, Evita Peron, database > inconsistencies, typographical errors, idiots, and my brother. You have > occasionally taken to ZOTting me, as if that would solve the problem. > > Please instead give me a general solution to ALL problems. You came > close to a good solution nearly a year ago, when you recommended a > solution of about 40 percent ethanol in water, plus enough French > flavoring to qualify as slightly genuine cognac. Unfortunately I used > it up over a month ago. > > While you are busy putting together an answer, send more cognac, > please. > > And if you don't get me more cognac I'll drink bathtub gin and start > asking you whether "cannot" or "can not" is the correct usage. Do not > take this as a threat, even if it is.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This incarnation of the Oracle notes with pleasure that although you } have difficulties with both the French language and its people, you } only have problems with English as a language. } } The general solution is therefore simple: } } Construct your own reality, then either retreat into it, or impose it } on everyone else. } } The English have of course been doing this for years. After having } created the English myth of King Arthur defeating the Welsh at } Agincourt by building Hard Ian's wall across Watford Gap, they all } retreated into the Home and Away Counties, as well as the various } Shires (horses, books, and what Sean Connery used to call knights). } Having rewritten the history books in their favour (started by the } disgustingly Venereal Bead), they started to run out of space and } imagination, and wondered what might lie beyond the English Chanel No. } 4 (slightly less fragrant than Chanel No. 5 due to the existence of } French fishing vessels). } } The English therefore started sailing the Seven Seas (they tried } selling them at first but couldn't find anyone willing to buy several } billion pints of salty fishy water that the French had been sailing } in). They roamed far and wide and graciously imposed their version of } reality on the inhabitants of the far-off lands they discovered } (ignoring the fact that the people living there didn't want to be } discovered, thank you very much). } } Skipping quickly over some of the English's more questionable } practices such as looking after other countries' ancient artefacts for } them, we come to the present day, where the English myth is starting } to lose its grip on reality, in spite of (or possibly because of) its } efforts via the World Service and Giles Brandreth's appearances on } Just a Minute. } } The only way that the English can claim to have retained their current } grip on reality is by drinking themselves into oblivion (not the one } at Alton Towers). Given that the English cannot buy Champagne (either } the drink or the French region) easily, they turn to Bucks-Fizz (which } underwent rebranding following the resignation of the Revd Dr Spooner } from the Board of Directors). } } It should be noted that bathtub gin is a bad idea if someone takes the } plug out. With Thames Water's current record, the gin will reach the } Channel and beer-battered cod will become gin-flavoured mackerel, } which nobody wants. } } So, the solution is simple: ferment your own English wine and start } drinking every day before the sun is over the yardarm. } } You owe the Oracle one for the Great North Road.

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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How are we to understand or misinterpret the words "vowels" and > "wolves" when neither is a palindrome of the other? When will the > truth (or at least the half-truth) reappear, but without yesterday's > "wise guy" remarks?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Wolves: Evolutionarily well-adapted predators that add a certain } je-ne-sais-quoi to any solo trip through a dark forest. } Vowels: Evolved to help humans pronounce words without drowning in } their own spit. } } Counterpoint: } Humans: Evolutionarily sophisticated predators capable of producing } the Works of Shakespeare and Bach's Mass in B Minor. } Consonants: Add interest and complexity to language. Make the } difference between vowel and bowel. } } The conjunctions of these are very insidious, though: } Werewolves: Are they human, are they a wolf? Changes according to the } phase of the moon. Capable of appearing suave and genteel one moment, } then disembowelling you 10 seconds later. } } The letter Y: Is it a vowel, is it a consonant? No-one knows. } According to the word "syzygy" it must be a vowel. According to the } word "yeti" it must be a consonant. Also well known for being } annoying from small children: "Why can't I have another biscuit?, } "Why is the sky green", "Why won't you answer my questions?" } } So, beware "Y" and werewolves with equal vigour, lest you be taken } unawares. } } You owe the Oracle some rhythm.

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