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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle: > I'm a feminist, and I don't think it's fair that we women don't > have penises.  I think it's the result of millenia of male domination. > How can women have them?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}            THE ORACLE'S GUIDE TO ACQUIRING A PENIS }                          (For Women) } } It's obvious that you haven't looked hard enough for a penis, for there } are many ways.  Some of the more popular are listed here. } } The least effective method is usually employed by the destitute wowomen } of the world; begging.  Often women approach men on streets and ask for } a penis, though it is rare that the man has one to spare.  Sometimes you } can enter a penis broker and get one via a trade in of other important } body parts (such as brains, for those women who have them) or } suspenders.  Unfortunately both methods suffer from a noted lack of } success. } } Another method involves petunias, UNIX, electricity, and suction, but I } won't detail it here; it can be found merely by examining alt.sex } archives.  The problem with this method involves encountering articles } on Nasal Sex repeatedly.  But it works! } } The Oracle's favorite method of penis acquisition can be summed up in } two words.  Mellow Mail.  This famous catalog of raunchy material } includes ads for penis brokers, but to that I do not refer.  Rather, } DICK GREYSON, BOY WONDER is the penis of choice for feminists who feel } dominated.  Dick is enough penis for any woman, be she feminist or } attractive.  Any woman who wants a penis should run to the nearest } raunch shop and order Dick through your friend and mine, the U.S.  Post } Office.  Only three parts to assemble (one of which is you, o, } naturally); all snap on easily and are ready to use within seconds.  The } Oracle cannot commend Dick Greyson highly enough; hey, even Lisa (the } antithetical feminist) likes him!  Run out and acquire your penis of } choice today!  This message brought to you by the Penis Growers of } America Local 236 and the Oracle. } } You owe the Oracle a clitoris.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Someone recently asked you what the smurfiest sex toy was, and you > proceded to tell them what the sexiest smurf toy was, if I can take > liberties with the word "sexiest".  Don't you understand that > "smurfiest" does not mean "pertaining to smurfs in a mostish manner"?  I > am sorely displeased. > > I would have thought the smurfiest sex toy was something Lisa had custom > built for her, or some such.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, some of these incarnations of the Oracle have parser problems. } Doesn't help being near-omniscient when you can't understand a query } properly.  Kinzler ought to build a better interface that analyzes } queries and translates them into baby talk if necessary. } } Well, Lisa really doesn't use sex toys much, preferring the real thing } and being able to get it by virtue of her lack of virtue, beautiful } body, and reputation for being a very good lay.  The best sex toy (or } most wonderful or elaborate or effective, which is what the original } petitioner meant by "smurfy" -- shit, why can't they use English) is the } new soft-plastic Elle MacPherson.  They took a plaster cast of Elle's } body, from which they made molds used to make the copy.  The finest- } quality silicone rubber delicately-tinted, odor-free and guaranteed to } reproduce the properties of human skin, is cast into an astonishing } duplicate of Elle's skin.  This is mounted on a fiberglass skeleton } fitted with a system of silicone-rubber bags which, when filled with a } concentrated brine, closely mimic the feel and weight of real flesh.  A } system of nichrome wires underneath the pseudo-skin warm "Elle" to the } right temperature, and a computer-controlled pseudovagina and mouth make } the right motions and secrete artificial fluids.  Also under computer } control is a large set of solenoid actuators which cause the "body" to } writhe during simulated sex. } } On receipt of "Elle" (must be sent surface freight), the user must mix } the brine and fill the internal silicone bags with it.  For greater } realism, batteries (new-generation sealed rechargeable lead-acid, } included) and artificial body fluids are added or changed via } tightly-sealed, all-but-invisible hatches. } } This is a high-quality product, made in the Netherlands by Kienstra Sex } Toys, Ltd.  Real human hair, realistically rooted to scalp and crotch by } an internationally-patented process, adds to the pleasure. } } Kienstra also makes duplicates of other models and film stars.  Prices } start at $27,900; the "Elle" described is the top-of-the-line, at } $36,240 (current exchange rates).

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm here at the doctor's office for a "Routine Exam" (He left the room > to get something and I am borrowing his computer).  He told me to take > my pants off, bend over, and grab my ankles.  Then he decided that he > forgot something, and left the room.  What are his intentions?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The doctor obviously wants to grab the plunger from behind the toilet in } the bathroom down the hall, three doors down on the right.  He's going } to use this to relieve any intestinal clogs he found during your } examination.  If this diesn't work, he'll grab the nearest Roto-Rooter } guy and have him try to unclog you. } } You owe the Oracle $15 for an office visit and $25 for the rectal exam.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and wooly one, who's sure feet make him most agile > on the rocky slopes, who large and curving horns are the > fear of all others, who musk gland produce the most fragrant > sprays, and who's odor is most goatlike, tell me what I want > to hear.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You, most humble admirer, want to here the PG-13 ballad of Lisa... } } There one was a lady, } with hair so fair, } the guys couldn't help, } but ogle and stare... } } Her skin was soft, } and gentle to touch, } her breasts were large, } but not too much... } } Along came the Oracle, } He's one cool stud, } Landed on Earth, } with not even a thud... } } He looked at Lisa, } with eyes open wide, } And new what he wanted, } One heck of a ride... } } She turned to hime, } a smile on her lips, } beckoned to him, } and swayed her hips... } } The Oracle went over, } and grabbed her tight, } the time was now, } the time was right... } } As the bible would say, } they "knew" each other, } He was the master, } she his lover... } } The Oracle thought, } and was thankfull for his luck, } This lady Lisa, } was one great Friend... } } (Hey, you wanted to hear the PG-13 version, they're not allowed to say } the F word on TV unless it's Andrew "Dice" Clay) } } You owe the Oracle something that goes in soft, and comes out hard and } wet. } } } Like bubble gum.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When people around here put personal ads in the newspaper requesting > partners for kinky sex, they always describe themselves as "discrete." > Is this just an improper spelling of "discreet," or do they really > mean "discrete"?  If so, what exactly do they mean by it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, it's just the latest fad.  Mutual masterbatory celibacy. } You can read about it in "The Joy of Misery," by Wanton Books. } } dis*crete, adj.  1. Individually distinct; separate.  2. Consisting } of unconnected distinct parts. } } YOU try and have sex with unconnected and distinct } parts, and you'll understand the title.  It mainly } involves auto-groping, lonely moans, and eye-contact } from across the room.  Plus reading.  Lots of reading.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and might Oracle, who's penis dwarfs the average size man, who > great, huge, hanging balls produce enough sperm to fertilize 70% of > women on Earth at one time, who's mighty erection is more rigid than a > Polaris missile, who's knowledge of the ways of love make the Kama Sutra > look like an grade school reading primer, and who's tongue is nicknamed > the "Serpent of Love" by Lisa herself, shine your lovelight on the > darkness of my loins and tell me step by step the best way to bring > Fifi, my french poodle, to a screaming, howling orgasm?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As you know, Fifi is the product of generations of selective } inbreeding.  Now I'm not knocking selective inbreeding (which has } given us such lucrative if not especially attractive creatures as } prize heiffers and the Royal Family), but face it--your Fifi is not } exactly a triumph of genetic engineering.  Her large, bulging eyes are } continually infected and covered with thick crust deposits, the } dingleberries nestled around her hindquarters equal at least 30% of } her body weight, and her brain's roughly the size of an emperor grape. } She cannot even begin to grasp the principle of a "doggie door", and } refuses to eat anything except twinkies, pickled herring in cream } sauce, and an occasional sip of Tab.  So like all poodles, Fifi's not } (as the Darwinians say) One of the Fittest.  Indeed, scientists } predict that if in the wake of some global disaster all domesticated } animals were forced to fend for themselves, within three days 86% of } the poodle population would be eaten by house cats, your Fifi being } among the first no doubt.  She is very, very low on the food chain. } } You might want to take a long, hard look at these facts before } considering Fifi as an object of sexual desire.  She's not even a } particularly hot item within the dog world--indeed, statistics show } over 92% of all repectable dogs (German Shepherds etc.) would rather } chew off their own forepaws than mate the likes of Fifi.  But even if } some down-and-out, mangy mutt with extremely low self-esteem did } decide to have a go at your little friend, she wouldn't be into it. } She's not only one stupid pooch, she's also neurotic as hell--or the } (as the American Kennel Club folks say) One Frigid Bitch.  Do you } really think a dog that spends 4 hours trembling under the couch every } time the mailman comes is gonna lay back & enjoy it when you try to } shove a bone-shaped squeaky toy up its little canine kazoo?  Not } likely.  So clearly, your task is a difficult one. } } But in answer to your question, why bother me about this?  Ask } rec.pets.  Those people love this sort of question, they're very } helpful, and have years of experience in puppy pooning.  Ask them.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       What is the most outrageous answer you can think of?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [Okay, buddy, you asked for it.] } } Go sodomize your grandfather, you homosexual incestuous necrophiliac } gerontophile.  You should be chopped up into little bite-sized morsels, } marinated in cheap soy sauce, and fried in fat rendered from the smegma } of Filipino lepers.  But first you should be tortured by having to } breathe the farts of a Welsh male chorus, sequestered and fed uncooked } beans, and connected up so that their farts are vented into a small room } where you are confined. } } That's just an impromptu.  It's the worst I can manage in a minute or } so.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have to write to my mother, but I don't have time. > Can you please write something for me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Mom, } } I'm sorry I haven't written for so long.  I just finished my jail term } and can now continue classes for this term.  They aborted my pregnancy } at the jail, so I don't have to worry about that any longer.  The scars } have almost fully healed, and the doctors say I should be able to walk } again soon.  I'll be able to continue my work at the studio and soon } you'll be able to see my video "My Left Breast." And, you'll be pleased } to know that the aliens that have been speaking to me have promised to } grant me great powers soon.  I'm sorry this is written in blood, but I } couldn't find a pen, and this kid just happened to walk by. } }                                         (signed) } }                                         Your Loving Daughter

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O mighty Oracle, whose very breath causes the demons of Hell to flee in > scraming terror: > > In your postings to rec.humor, you mention Lisa then net.sex.goddess and > Lena the net.lingerie.goddess. > > Here in Sweden, there are a lot of childrens' books about two little > girls called Lisa and Lena (my mother used to read them to me when I was > four or five years old).  Is this just a coincidence, or are they the > same Lisa and Lena?  The books were probably written in the early > sixties, so their (Lisa's and Lena's) ages are about right.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yeah, that breath is a gift from ol' J. C., a personal buddy of mine. } He went down there and harrowed (as opposed to etoning) Hell... } } Anyway, Lisa and Lena are indeed the girls in the books.  Both are } beautiful Swedes -- everybody knows that Swedish women are the most } beautiful in the world, except maybe Welsh women (matter of taste -- } the Oracle prefers the dark little creatures, but as you know, not all } Swedes are blonde). } } -O.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   O most wise oracle, whose ______ I'm not allowed to ______ (fill in > the blanks) >   If Lisa is the net.sex.goddess and Barbara is the > net.suppleness.goddess and Lena is the net.lingere.godess, then what is > Cindy the net.goddess of?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Cuteness.  Cindy is adorably cute.  She likes cute things, like Smurfs } and Hummel figurines and the Campbell Soup kewpies of yore and those } Xmas cards that display the Holy Family as utterly adorable in the } saccharine sense of the word.  The trouble is that Cindy herself is so } cute that any normal red-blooded male wants to hug her until her ribs } squeak, then proceed to passionate kissing of her impossibly pretty } face, then have frenzied sex with her whilst fondling her cute, firm } little breasts.  Fine.  But anything more than a one-night stand will } turn most men's stomachs.  She keeps degenerating into baby talk and } using such words as "smurfy" and talking about her favorite cute things } and imitating the young Shirley Temple, so that not even the sight of } her in the cutest lingerie (Lena advises her), like that lace teddy with } the face on it so that its eyes are her cute little nipples peeping } through strategically-placed holes can make up for it.  No, not even the } cutest sex techniques taught her patiently by Lisa can make up for her } horrific cuteness. } } Really the Oracle feels sorry for her.  All she's going to get is sex -- } no chance for a lasting relationship.