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1610, 1610-01, 1610-02, 1610-03, 1610-04, 1610-05, 1610-06, 1610-07, 1610-08, 1610-09, 1610-10

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> It's time for Quantum Mechanics again. > > My grandfather drives a 1948 Quantum, the model with the built-in view > of Wiscasset Harbor engraved into the windshield. The automobile repair > shop here in Wiscasset refuses to work on it. "Ya need a boatyahd for > that thing. And the Hespeh and the Lutheh Little would be easieh to > work on than that old hulk." > > Grandfather reminded the mechanic that the derelict schooners Hesper > and Luther Little had been broken up and hauled away in 1998, but that > they remained in the view in the windshield. The mechanic said, "Any > cahh that relies on an anchuh for brakes is dangerous. Ayuh." He > inhaled that last word in proper Maine dialect fashion. And he was > right. Grandfather did have to toss out an anchor, even just for going > downhill. > > Where in Maine or perhaps New Hampshire can I find a good Quantum > Mechanic? Preferably in a flat area. Grandfather is running short of > anchors.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, Supplicant, I see you've stumbled upon the mysteries of Quantum } Mechanics, Maine Edition. This is no mere vehicle; it's a metaphysical } schooner on wheels. Now, to find a proper Quantum Mechanic...well, } it's as you feared: it's less about finding a mechanic and more about } adjusting your own frame of reference to align with the car's...quirks. } You see, that '48 Quantum doesn't move so much as it exists in multiple } states along Route 1, only partially tethered to our reality by that } trusty anchor. } } What you need to do is approach a mechanic with a quantum mindset, } which means accepting that this old jalopy may be fixed, broken, or } possibly driving itself to Bar Harbor as we speak. Here's what you } do: Head down the road a piece and when you get to the fork, take } the way that feels correct...but if you start seeing apple trees, } turn around, you've gone too far into the superposition. Now, if the } mechanic gives you a funny look, try saying "Ayuh," and nod like you } understand the mysteries of spacetime.  In a pinch, head south until } the tourists start showing up; they're usually a good sign you're } close to another reality. } } And payment? You owe the Oracle a vegan clam chowder recipe that's } mostly potato...no skimping on the salt pork.

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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Crazy homework time again. Our history teacher wants a report on the > Soviet Union (CCCP) but my worst friend Jimmy Blavetskii whose mother > was born there thinks he doesn't need to bother. He has a report > called "The Solvit Onion Like It Or Leave It" that he stole from his > mother. He's going to hand it in as his own. Which is plangarythm. How > can anyone think about something like that? Jimmy claims his mother > probably just made it all up because otherwise she would still be in > Siberia working at the Kestyor Mammoth Tusk Factory. > > A mammoth tusk would be cool, and I could make it part of my report. > How can I steal one?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What a sad time this is, when supplicants don't grovel as they once } did. Back in my day, you'd get a right proper ZOTing for that. But } perhaps the Oracle needs to be the bigger sapient being and accept } that times change and groveling is no longer an acceptable form of } payment. It is, after all, approximately this the year of our lord } and savior Seneca the Younger, Two Thousand and Twenty Four. Maybe } it's not the kids who are wrong, maybe it is indeed the Oracle who } is out of touch. } } The Solvit Onion did make the best mammoth tusks, so many years ago, } but these days they are harder to find. It turns out, the chief } component of a good, high quality tusk is ground grovels, so } they're in rather short supply these days. } } You owe the Oracle a single plangarythm, performed to the style of } Michael Jackson's Bad, which was still in vogue the last time I saw } a good grovel.

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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What can you do to help access the accuracy and attribution of the > following quotation? > > "I am known as a quotation magnet, and many clever sayings are >  reassigned to me over time." --Mark Twain

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A quotation magnet is apparently a magnet with a quotation on it. } Here are a few: } "The secret to getting ahead is a secret." --Mark Twain } "The only thing we have to fear is a really scary monster." --Mark Twain } "I have a nightmare." --Mark Twain } "Let he who is without sin cast the first dice." --Mark Twain } "Three quotes? Add a quote and make it a gallon." --Mark Twain } "Ask not [put anything here]." --Mark Twain } "The Oracle requires an answer to the meaning of life." --Mark Twain } "Quoting 'He's so fine' in 'My Sweet Lord' cost me a million dollars." }  --Mark Twain } "I never said this." --Mark Twain } "I really didn't say everything I said." --Mark Twain } "Don't believe everything you read on the internet." --Mark Twain } "My name isn't Mark Twain, it's" --Samuel Langhorne Clemens.

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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Which house is it on, and how do I get it down?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, yes, Frisbeeterianism, the belief that your soul goes up on the } roof and gets stuck. Many people encounter the sign of this belief, but } few actually believe, especially to your level of faith. } } My advice? } } Prey. } } Prey??? YES!!! } } Adopt a bird of prey, such as a hawk or eagle and then you can prey for } success. You'll win an extra Frisbee, your neighbor's, that was stuck } up there with yours. } } You owe the Oracle any extra lost Frisbees that your preyers capture.

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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> It has finally stompped raining. Thank goodness!  What's next? Oobleck?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You may find helpful this list of the twelve warning signs of } existentially incoherent weather: } } 1. Powerful and continuing summoning of eldritch abominations } } 2. Disdain for consistent physical manifestations of reality } } 3. Identification or obfuscation of the unidentifiable or commonplace }    as a unifying or dividing cause or effect or something } } 4. Rampant oobleck } } 5. Controlled mass hallucinations } } 6. Obsession with figuring out where the bounds of reality are } } 7. Old Gods and weather reports intertwined } } 8. Extraplanar entity power manifested } } 9. The great interconnected human oversoul through which we all }    transmigrate suppressed } } 10. Whatever that thing is that Mark Rothko has going on } } 11. Obsession with the furries and kinksters without whom the internet }     would literally collapse } } 12. Rampant cultism and arcane rituals } } You owe the Oracle a better umbrella.

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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hello. You said that I owed you a hot water heater for answering a > question. I don't have one of those but I do have a not-otter eater. > Someone trained it to eat otters but it really shouldn't eat any > because it makes them sick (they don't like being digested) and then > they picket your house and won't let you stock up the fridge. I've > been trying to take care of it but unfortunately my house has an > otter infestation and I just can't keep up with it anymore. Also I > have ice cream that I need to put away before it melts. Would you be > interested in it for all your non-otter-eating needs?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I am afraid I'll have to decline. I already have so much tribute that's } owed to me that I'll have to store somewhere if it ever shows up here } on my Oracular doorstep. Maybe if it were seals instead. Perhaps the } Great Seal of the United States? Try owing me the Great Seal and see if } that helps. } } No, just send me some ice cream. Some for Mr. Biden, too.

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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Now that everything uses LED lamps we frequently are told that LEDs and > lithium batteries use lots of rare-earth metals, especially lithium. > > Lithium is element number 3, an alkali metal. The rare earths are the > lanthanides (57 through 71) with the frequent addition of 21 and 39. > They are noted for their chemical similarities. > > Lithium is NOT A RARE EARTH! > > Where do journalists and politicians learn their chemistry? Who's > minding the store?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Journalists, of course, believe that "rare earth metals" are lightly } cooked, leaving the inner portions raw and tender, and politicians get } all of their definitions from newspapers you hate. Thus, you will } occasionally encounter a legislator earnestly introducing a bill to } regulate the metals industry and require all metals to be fully cooked } to an internal temperature of 180F in accordance with the traditional } preparation methods in the ancient Greek cookbook published by } Lanthanides in order to be certified as Well Done Organic Earth Metals } before they can be imported through customs. } } It is worthy of note that the frequent addition of 21 and 39 generally } results in 60, which is Neodymium; this is in fact a lanthanide, and } therefore should not trouble anyone by its inclusion in the rare } earths.

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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Thank you for your attempt at a performance of a Beatles song. I had > never before heard, "I wanna hold my nose," by the Dung Beetles. Where > did you find it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Incarnated by Azerty04, supreme intendant of the Oracle and Lisa's } fifth bookshelf and owner of the Great Non-Oracularities Library } Shambles. } } Well, that's a long and weird story. Here is the plot: I was walking } in the street, casually, but then I found a brand-new discshop, and I } decided to get in to see what was in there, but once I passed the } treshold, I felt kinda weird and then I noticed that not only there } were no discs in there (only stone sculpture of boxes full of discs, } which may have pranked some people before myself), but also the exit } didn't leaded to the street anymore, but only to a muddy swamp, which } was surrounded by trees so high that they were hiding sun. I deduced } that it should be a teleporting discshop, the thing happens sometimes } (hence my weird feeling, too) Then, I noticed that there were } half-buried and muddy skeletons all around the place. Then I noticed } that most of them still wore bits of what looked like oracular } priest's robes. Then, I admit it, I screamed. } } Next episode coming soon, send me a new message if you want to know } (don't forget to put what I exactly said before, else I'd mess up } between all supplicant I tell random stories of my life, and I've lot } of them since I'm more than 5000 years old). } } For now, you owe the Oracle a discshop. A true one that don't teleport } you, please. Really, I don't want to end up in a swamp/graveyard } anymore.

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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Jeezez W. Chryyst in a Submarine! I just got yet another call from > someone who wasn't there. What are they trying to sell me? Maybe I > should send all of them to you, because you are way smarter than I am. > > Or maybe send them to Julius Caesar. > > Any other suggestions?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} After ruling out James Corden, Joey Cappelletti, Jennifer Coolidge, } John Candy, Jeremy Cooney, George Clooney (my assistant was momentarily } confused about English orthography), and Jason Clarke, The Oracle has } finally identified the source of these calls as Johnny Cash attempting } to communicate from beyond the grave. If you listen closely enough, you } may hear the guitar chords as he tries to posthumously publish more } protest songs through any medium available. You might even be treated } to his truly inspired cover of "All Star" by Smash Mouth. } } You owe the Oracle a solid black Ouija board with built-in bluetooth } speakers.

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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hallo my wonderful and only friend. You always have advice for me. I > should have paid more attention. I told you that I was going to marry > Harmony Skortchnoodle, and you warned me that in spite of her beautiful > face and sonorous first name, trouble lurked on planet Skortchnoodle. > > She burns noodles, the only thing she ever wants to cook. It's only a > slight improvement from my own cooking. I've been known to set water on > fire. > > I fear that divorce won't improve anything. Instead, please invite > Harmony and me to your Vast or Humble Oracular Abode for lunch. I > promise we won't even try to boil your water. > > What are you going to serve for lunch?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Err, slight problem. There is a reason that Oracles since the Delphic } days have always requested gifts in kind, with a preference for meats } and the finest fruit and vegetables from the supplicant's crop. } } You see, none of us can cook. Which is why I have Zadoc. } } Zadoc, in spite of the fact that his intellectual dexterity would be } out-manouevered by an arthritic snail, is surprisingly adept in the } culinary arts (although, after initial efforts resulting in expensive } dental work, we did have to point out that "Culinar-y" was nothing to } do with the Koh-i-Noor diamond). So, I promise that you will be served } an exquisite meal beyond your wildest taste-buds. } } This does assume that Nathan, his understudy (i.e. he lives beneath } the floorboards of Zadoc's study) is actually capable of buying the } correct ingredients. Last time Nathan was sent out for some pineapples } he returned with some pine-fresh oven cleaner and half-a-dozen } Braeburns. (Which was an improvement on when we asked him to get some } Braeburns and he returned with some over-cooked donkey-meat.) } } So, given the dietary requirements of you and Harmony, and in } consultation with Zadoc, I have come up with the following menu: } } Wine: Chateau-neuf (the unseen French version of Inside No. 9 by } Stephan-Pem-Bretagne and Reeze-Jer-smit). } } Starter: A single slightly sub-standard lettuce-leaf (just B-cos). } Main: One male duck (don't worry, you won't be able to tell it's male; } Zadoc removes its genitalia to extract the wine cork), and roasted } vegetables (Nathan insults their life-choices and parentage for } half-an-hour before putting them in luke-warm water for 10 seconds.) } Desert: Apple tart (the deliciously sweet remains of an iPhone } fan-boy). } } You owe the Oracle some After Eight mints to take away the taste.

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