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} Right, I've had it with you. What you want me to do is to tell you to
} go on some Quest (with a capital Q), involving some mystical/fantasy
} parody about defeating the Elves of Garanthork, negotiating with the
} Wizards of Merigoth, and tricking the Owls of Arcthorn so that you'll
} find your true self, a fair maiden/bug burly hero (according to
} preference), the meaning of Life and, incidentally, your can of Coke.
}
} Well, that's not how real life works, is it?! You can't solve all your
} problems in life by going through a set of step-by-step instructions
} that bear no relation to the problem at hand. Some, admittedly, you
} can, like putting together IKEA furniture or filing a
} change-of-address notification with your bank, but in most cases you
} have to deal with real people.
}
} And that's what you're avoiding, isn't it, real people? You think you
} can type your questions into an email, and have them answered by some
} omniscient Oracle who you never talk to.
}
} So, for the last time, here's what you need to do to get your coke-can
} back:
}
} 1) Walk up to the office-cleaner who accidentally took your half-empty
} can, and say: "Excuse me, I hadn't finished that can, please could I
} have it back?"
}
} 2) Accept their apology, take the can, and walk back to your desk, and
} try to continue with your day.
}
} 3) Realise that in the time you took away from your desk, the entire
} computer network has gone down, and that it was your fault for
} watching cat videos when you should have been working.
}
} 4) Summon your boss Nagaroth by sacrificing a small goat in the
} break-out area.
}
} 5) Apologise profusely to Nagaroth, and immediately set out through
} the forests of Granthar, over the seas of Barm, between the statues of
} Veriwasquitch, and solving the riddle of the Yetis of Henswarg to be
} allowed admittance to the server-room.
}
} 6) Press the button that turns the servers back on.
}
} 7) Return to your desk, passing through the statues of Veriwasquitch,
} over the seas of Barm, and across the Moors of Jentrif (the forests of
} Granthar now being out of bounds due to tree felling).
}
} You owe the Oracle some instructions for getting take-away without
} having to talk to a delivery driver.
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