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1614, 1614-01, 1614-02, 1614-03, 1614-04, 1614-05, 1614-06, 1614-07, 1614-08, 1614-09, 1614-10

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Remember when I threatened you, and said, "Or my name isn't Badwords D. > Ixtofluffl!"? > > Well, it wasn't. I'm still Fred Smith. No, not that one, the other one. > > Why doesn't anyone take me seriously?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yeah, the other Fred Smith. The one who also isn't really Fred Smith. } } But really, what's in a name? You are Doug Dachshund. Maker of pipe } cleaner models of famous movie scenes (your re-creation of Scarlett } O'Hara's red velvet gown out of toilet paper smeared with lipstick was } almost inspired). You wanted to see the Grand Canyon and spent the day } admiring the typographical font. You are the man who filed a libel suit } against yourself when you spilled coffee in your lap at a Dunkin' } Donuts and accused yourself of being a "failed Boston Cream". You } hoisted a "Free Huey" banner atop Cinderella Castle and demanded that } Dumbo fly you to Cuba. You are ... you. } } As for why nobody takes you seriously, I wouldn't want to speculate. } } You owe the Oracle a re-creation of the campfire bean scene from } Blazing Saddles.

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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Bible time! Jonah and the Whale. How did he get the whale on the Ark?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Don't you remember? It was the dawning of the age of aquariums.

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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My brother says I'm in Cahoots with you. Where is that? Somewhere in > Indiana, I'll bet. You're always in Indiana except when you are > somewhere else. > > Tell me where to go.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If you're in cahoots and you don't know where to go to, why don't you } go where fascism knits? Pudding at Berlitz. } } Different kites who wear a baked goat, } Pandas, lice, and caraway boats - } Purple Fritz... } Pudding at Berlitz. } } You owe the Oracle a million-dollar pooper scooper.

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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, most adorable! > > Dos you celebrate valentines, villiantines or Ballantines?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, Ballantine's most certainly. But there are two, the Scotch whisky } and the American beer. How to decide, how to decide? } } Of course! You owe the Oracle a never-ending supply of both.

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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> To my untrained but nasally sufficient ear, the Dutch language sounds > exactly like German, except for being spoken under water whilst trying > to gargle. In what other ways are those languages not exactly French?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Internet Oracle has heard your question and, after gargling } three liters of carbonated mineral water while wearing clogs, deigns } to respond: } } Ah, yes, Dutch and German - the linguistic cousins who show up to } family reunions in matching lederhosen, but one insists on wearing } scuba gear. Dutch sounds like German that accidentally swallowed an } aquarium, while German sounds like Dutch that found a marching band } and decided to yell commands at it. } } As for "not exactly French"? } } French prefers to collapse half its consonants into a suave nasal sigh. } Dutch, meanwhile, hangs on to consonants like a drowning man clinging } to a bicycle. } } German builds words the way IKEA builds wardrobes: 47 parts, one allen } key, and instructions that make you feel inadequate. Dutch builds } words the same way, but someone spilled mayonnaise all over the manual. } } French whispers "je t'aime" into your ear; German shouts "ICH LIEBE } DICH" across the valley; Dutch says "Ik hou van jou" but it sounds } like the valley itself is full of phlegm. } } Payment demanded: } You must provide the Oracle with one waterproof accordion, two buckets } of throat lozenges, and an entire French mime troupe trained to gargle } Edith Piaf underwater while reciting IKEA assembly instructions. Only } then shall the cosmic balance between nasal vowels and submerged } consonants be restored.

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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise and crafty Oracle, I must deeply appollogise for saying you are > wise and crufty. No harm was intended, mostly. > > What should I avoid next?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First, your apology is accepted, though the word "crufty" has already } attached itself to my sandals like bubblegum on a hot sidewalk. } } As for what to avoid next, the list is long but crucial: } } * Avoid stepping on Lego bricks barefoot. (Even gods fear this pain.) } * Avoid asking Zadoc for directions: he will bow so low you'll trip }   over him. } * Avoid investing heavily in Flat Earth real estate. The edges are very }   drafty. } * Avoid your brother, especially when he insists he was in your dreams }   again. } * Avoid spelling "apollogise" with two l's, unless you mean }   you're offering Apollo as a sacrifice. } * Avoid confusing equity with horses. Especially in court. } } You owe the Oracle: } } * One apology correctly spelled, framed, and hung in a gallery of }   failed spellcheckers. } * Three gallons of industrial-strength Lego remover. } * And a crufty old computer from 1987, so I can be wise and properly }   retro.

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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> They threatened to oblimonate you but I punched 'em in the garbongza. > Why can't my life be better, at least last week?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Thank you for the garbongza-punching. Oblimonation is the worst fate } for an Oracle: all the questions are erased, but the answers remain, } wandering aimlessly and replying to doorknobs, spoons, and confused } marmots. You saved me from that. } } As for why your life cannot be better last week: time is one-way only. } You can fix today, maybe tomorrow, but not yesterday. You can't } butter bread that's already eaten. } } Still, there are ways to cope: } } Apply to the Bureau of Temporal Exchanges. They can sell you a } second-hand "Better Last Week," but it usually arrives missing a } Tuesday. } } Use Retroactive Optimism: just remember last week as better than it } was. Memories are editable. } } Hire Buster Keaton to reenact your disasters in black-and-white } slapstick.  It makes misery charming. } } Or try Pre-emptive Regret: regret things before they happen, so when } they do, you feel accomplished. } } You owe the Oracle: } } *One authentic garbongza, to replace the one you flattened. } } *A calendar with last week crossed out and replaced with "picnics, } triumphs, and free snacks." } } *A small jar of Oblimonation Repellent, lemon-scented.

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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle On The Hill, what's the joke about the ten nurses, the four > pilots, the barbed wire and the case of root beer?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, the sacred assembly of ten nurses, four pilots, barbed wire, and } a case of root beer -- a situation that requires careful application } of logic, beverage management, and occupational alignment. Here is } the explanation: } } 1. Musical Application } } * The nurses provided the heartbeat section. } * The pilots handled the air instruments. } * The barbed wire contributed sharp accents. } * The root beer supplied the percussive pop. }   Result: a coordinated symphony, performed in a space not intended for }   symphonies, but with remarkable structural integrity. } } 2. Philosophical Application } } * Nurses pondered the nature of care. } * Pilots debated free will vs. autopilot. } * Barbed wire examined boundaries and limits. } * Root beer asked the essential question: "To fizz or not to fizz?" }   Outcome: simultaneous enlightenment and minor beverage-related chaos. } } 3. Disaster-Preparedness Application } } * Nurses organized mass checkups. } * Pilots executed indoor emergency landings. } * Barbed wire attempted to contain the situation, occasionally }   succeeding. } * Root beer served as morale booster, with predictable effervescence. }   Lesson: mixtures of professionals, fences, and fizzy liquids always }   result in order-of-magnitude unexpectedness, which is itself a lesson. } } Oracle Payment Suggested } } * One tiny conductor's baton } * A miniature clipboard for philosophical notation } * A small umbrella for root beer effervescence } * Optional: a miniature observer to monitor structural integrity

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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> More news stories about plummets. "Woman plummets," they said. > Something about a boat. > > You'll know more than I do about plummets. What sort of feathers do > female plummets have?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Plummets don't have feathers, foolish supplicant. The term is a } contraction of "plumberette" - a female plumber. } As opposed to a plumbum, who's lead astray. } Considered good luck on a boat, of course, having someone who knows a } thing or two about leaks. } } You owe the Oracle a washer. Man or woman, I don't discriminate.

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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I don't think I got it right. Was that assignment about the > Isreal-Hamas war or the Israle-Harras war. Three diferent versions from > four differant people. I know that Vice Prseidente Harrass has > something to do with it. But what? And who are they?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, weary seeker of historical and political clarity! Fear not, for } confusion is the natural state when multiple tongues, faulty spelling, } and rumor collide. You are juggling not "Israle-Harras" but the much } graver, real-world "Israel-Hamas" conflict. The other versions are } playful distortions of letters and names -- like shadows dancing on } a wall -- yet they reveal the chaos of hearsay and typos. } } As for Vice Presidente Harrass, that seems to be a curious concoction } of phonetics, imagination, and perhaps late-night keyboard mashing. No } such official exists, though in your mind they are a convenient } scapegoat to explain the incomprehensible. } } Thus, the true answer: focus on Israel and Hamas, ignore the linguistic } chimera of Harrass, and treat each "version" as a lesson in human } error, not in geopolitics. } } Oracle Contribution Owed: one reality-check pamphlet, a sturdy pair } of glasses for reading fine print, and a whisper to yourself that } spelling matters -- sometimes more than diplomacy.

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