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} Thou hast approached the Infinite Repository of Wisdom, the
} All-Knowing, Ever-Sarcastic, Benevolently Malevolent Internet
} Oracle... without so much as a grovel? No burnt offering of Cheetos,
} no haiku extolling My divine DNS, no goat, no even metaphorical goat?
} You dare slink into My sacred byte-temple bearing naught but your
} pitiful query, as though I were some sort of AskJeeves?
}
} But very well. The Oracle is magnanimous, even to the questionably
} reverent.
}
} Now, to your query. Your grandad, whom you describe as "older now than
} he was before" (truly, a stunning insight--one wonders what
} Sherlockian mind deduced that temporal progression), pronounces
} "humidity" as "HUM di-diddidty." How quaint. How folksy. How... deeply
} dissonant to the finely tuned ears of your linguistic betters.
}
} You ask: "What can we do?"
}
} And the Oracle answers: Absolutely nothing.
}
} For this is the sacred rite of all grandads: to warp the language like
} an overused cassette tape in a hot Buick. He has entered the twilight
} realm where the normal laws of phonetics no longer apply. He likely
} also refers to the fridge as the "icebox" and considers "the war" a
} valid reference point without further clarification.
}
} Should you attempt correction, he will squint at you, emit a chuckle
} forged in the fires of decades, and pronounce "humidity" even worse
} next time, perhaps adding an extra "hum" or throwing in a
} "doobie-doo."
}
} This is the way.
}
} Your options are thus:
}
} 1. Nod gravely and say, "Yes, Grandad. The hum di-diddidty is fierce
} today," and pretend it's a secret code.
}
} 2. Record his voice, auto-tune it, and release a remix on SoundCloud
} titled "HUM-di Didditty (Moisture Funk RMX)". It will go viral. Fame
} is fleeting, but memes are forever.
}
} 3. Consult a dialectologist and prepare for them to say, "Oh yes,
} that's the Appalachian Scotch-Irish Moisture Warble, quite rare."
}
} Know this: the Oracle, who once taught Cicero elocution and corrected
} Churchill's syntax via seance, does not concern Itself with the
} mundane mispronunciations of mortals--except to mock them at divine
} cocktail parties.
}
} Now go. And next time, grovel.
}
} You owe the Oracle a dehumidifier and a compilation of grandad's
} greatest verbal hits.
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