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} Hidden in a vault deep in the mountains of Bavaria is the Bach cantata
} "Ein Feiste Berliner ist Meinen Got", (A Mighty Jelly Doughnut Is My
} God). This is the last cantata Bach ever wrote, and it was written in
} 1821.
}
} "Du bist ein Scheissekopf!" I can hear you exclaiming at the terminal.
} "Bach died in 1750, and he surely would not have written such an
} irreverant cantata even if he were alive seventy-one years later!"
}
} However, Bach did not die in the eighteenth century as many critics have
} claimed. His stupendous musical genius was such that he began to
} anticipate the musical styles of future times, and so the Musicological
} Illuminati (you do know about the Musicological Illuminati, do you not?)
} was forced to remove him, lest he introduce new musical styles before
} they were ready to criticize them. They tried to assassinate him
} several times, but he was always able to compose fugues powerful enough
} to defeat their plots. (You may wonder where all those fugues came
} from, when Bach quite clearly wrote in his diaries "I abhor fugues!
} They are the vilest of all musical forms, and were I not in grave danger
} I would not sully my soul with them!")
}
} The plots failing, they had Telemann compose a potent orchestral suite,
} so boring that it drove Bach to unconsciousness. The Illuminati removed
} Bach to a secret cave in Bavaria. They substituted the corpse of a
} baker for Bach's corpse, and most of the musical establishment was
} fooled.
}
} After some days, Bach recovered consciousness. He was imprisoned in a
} tiny cell, and fed only one pizza and water whilst the Illuminati
} debated amongst themselves as to the proper method of disposing of him.
} But almost immediately, the Illuminati made the mistake of feeding him a
} pizza topped with sweet pickles, shrimp, figs, red-eye gravy,
} cauliflower, Kung Pao shrimps, eggplant, salami, lobster, corned beef,
} Uji, mayonnaise, snails, jelly, five-spice squid, crab salad, vinegar,
} and apples, which (as is well known) is the Pizza of Immortality. This,
} of course, rendered him invulnerable to all that the Illuminati could
} do, and so they simply held him in captivity.
}
} He tried to devise music which would release him; mighty though he may
} be, still he is no Orpheus, and so he remained imprisoned there. He has
} been composing from that day to this. By 1818, he had anticipated the
} styles of Debussy, Stravinsky, Satie, and Strauss, and had composed an
} epic two-year-long opera in a fairly Wagnerian style on based on
} thematic material from "The Wrath of Khan." The previously-mentioned
} cantata is written in somewhat of an absurdist style. By 1840, he had
} passed through twelve-tone and minimalist phases. I probably shouldn't
} tell you want he's doing now; it requires instruments for which the
} technology will not be developed for millions of years.
}
} You owe the Oracle the complete works of Carl Orff, on CD.
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