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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is it time yet?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Almost.  You've got to get ready -- you're on in an hour, dearie. } Shave, shower, run the Epilady over your legs, put on the form-fitting } body suit, put on the gaff (don't want a bulge at your crotch), put on } the bra and panties and nylons, the dress...be more careful with the } makeup and wig this time -- last time you nearly gave it away. } } Yes, dearie, it's a nasty little job, but somebody's got to do it.  The } real Marilyn just can't keep Danny Quayle under control at public } functions, and you're the best impersonator we have.  So the real } Marilyn stays home with the kids, and you manage the Danny. } } You're doing this for your country, dearie.  We can't have our VP } running amok.  Yes, we're still looking for someone to impersonate him } -- I think we'll have to resort to a lot of plastic surgery.  But } there's something about the shape of his skull -- a normal brain just } won't fit in there.  I don't know if we can get anyone to fool them. } } Think of your nice pension, dearie.  That's right -- be a love. } } Break a leg, Freddy!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm looking for some woman out there to mail me. > I won't have net access after today, so... > Will you please reply back to me via U.S. Mail? > > Greg LaPorta > 106 Deckert Drive > Plantsville, CT 06479 > U.S.A. > > I'm waiting!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}            +-----------------------------------+ }            | RETURN TO SENDER                  | }            | Reason:                           | }            |    _ nonexistant address          | }            |    x insufficient postage         | }            |    _ abandoned postal zone        | }            |    _ monster under porch          | }            |    _ no particular reason         | }            |    _ wanton cruelty               | }            |    _ free-floating hostility      | }            |    _ sender has doofy name        | }            |    _ ennui                        | }            |    _ busy with other mail         | }            |    _ didn't like Care-Bears stamp | }            +-----------------------------------+

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, > >       What about me?  Everybody talks about Lisa the slut and Babs > the supple jock and Lena the undergarments-catalog girl and Cindy the > horribly cute and all the rest, but nobody ever mentions me.  You don't > even remember me: Mary Agnes, the net.virginity.goddess.  I sprang > parthenogenetically from the Greek goddess Diana, but got baptized by > an early Pope.  Nobody ever mentions me!  I'm as beautiful as that > walking semen receptacle Lisa, but they all hate me 'cause I won't > have sex till I get married.  No heavy petting either.  Don't you think > men would treasure their girlfriends more if they could bring the gift > of a virgin body to marriage?  No?  Typical modern!  I thought that you, > Oracle, with all your ancient wisdom, could appreciate the glory and > hidden allure of a virgin, but you've gotten all up-to-date in order to > make your clients happy. >       And you've got to tell them to stop jerking off.  It's physically > harmless, but it fixes the mind too much on fantasy creatures that no > real woman could possibly live up to!  And it's too damned self-centered > and narcissistic, too.  I won't even talk about sin 'cause nobody will > listen. >       I've got a lot of followers out there!  All those geeky Catholic > grad students who are still virgins at 25 or older -- they understand! > Tell them to hang in there. > >       Still kind of mad at you -- > >               Mary Agnes, the net.virginity.goddess

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You know, you've got SOME NERVE, telling me, the all-powerful Usenet } Oracle, what *I* should be telling the questioning masses.  Well, let's } go through a bit of review, missy, and while you ponder the following, } remember that it came from someone who's omniscient. } } Let's examine the choices available to people. } } Scenario #1. }   A) Have sex. }   B) Not have sex. } } Here the choice is pretty obvious, but it seems that a large segment of } the human population has come up with an extremely complicated moral } scheme that makes choice B seem correct. } } Scenario #2. } A) Marry and thus enter into a continuing relationship which is }    largely based on sexual relations with a person who has had }    multiple sexual partners and a myriad of experiences, and thus is }    comfortable with naked intimacy } B) Marry and thus enter into a continuing relationship which is largely }    based on sexual relations with a complete sexual neophyte who hasn't }    really decided whether s/he would ever have or enjoy sex } } Again, the right choice seems pretty obvious. } } Scenario #3.  Assume a person who is unable to have actual live sex. } A) Whack off regularly and thus sublimate the sexual desire for a short }    period of time, relieving the sexual tension } B) Never whack off and thus allow the tension to fester until it must }    be sublimated by sports, noctural emissions, self-flagellation, or }    the making of hundreds of obscene phone calls and peeping into }    neighboring homes late at night } } Hmmm.  Lisa and I had a chuckle over your request that I tell people to } choose option B.  In fact, just last summer she whispered a few sweet } nothings into the ear of a 25-year-old virginal Catholic grad student, } and that night, he hit a stop sign at 20 paces using nothing but his } right hand. } } I hope the regular Oracular readers aren't taken in by your suggestion } that you're actually a net.virginal.goddess.  There is in fact no such } thing.  There's no NEED.  All the net.goddesses can restore their } virginity when deemed necessary.  Just last summer Lisa restored her } virginity for a five-minute period in order to seduce a 25-year-old } Catholic grad student.  Wily Oracular readers may note that they ALL } have the ability to temporarily restore or rescind their virginity for } their own purposes. } } Heh.  Hidden allure of a virgin.  Yeh, right. } } As punishment for elevating yourself to the rank of goddess, you owe the } Oracle the orgasmic fluids of 1000 25-year-old virgins.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My woman done gone and left me. > I can't go on with life. > How in the world can this be, > With all the political strife? > > I got the blues so bad. > I got the blues so bad. > I got the blues so bad. > I just wanna go puke. > > My physics prof gonna fail me. > I just ain't makin'the grade. > I'd have me a flush of diamonds, > If it weren't for this damn spade. > > I got the blues so bad. > I got the blues so bad. > I got the blues so bad. > I just wanna go barf. > > My watch always has the wrong time. > My thumbnail is falling out. > I ordered a pie of key lime, > But they brought a plate of trout. > > I got the blues so bad. > I got the blues so bad. > I got the blues so bad. > I just wanna blow chow. > > Any suggestions?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Get some emetics -- it'll make the vomiting easier.  And try to vomit on } the people who have helped make your life as miserable as it is.  Start } with the woman formerly yours, and her new boyfriend.  Puke all over } them.  Puke all over your Physics prof -- what can he do?  If he's } really going to fail you, what difference will a bit of vomitus make? } If you get in trouble with the school, claim to have psychological } troubles and go for lots of counseling crap. } } Time is an illusion.  Thumbnails heal.  Trout is good for you -- } develops the brain.  So puke on a few people who're making your life } miserable, and you'll get all those blues out of your system. } } Maybe the counseling people will take you to a psychiatrist who will } prescribe Prozac, the wonder anti-depressant for the 1990s!  Great } stuff, with hardly any side-effects!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> INZ005-007-292100- > INDIANA ZONES 5 7 > 1030 AM EST TUE MAY 29 1990 > > .THIS AFTERNOON...MOSTLY SUNNY...COOL AND BECOMING BREEZY. HIGH 70 TO > 75. NORTH WIND INCREASING TO 10 TO 20 MPH. > .TONIGHT...CLEAR AND VERY COOL. LOW IN THE MIDDLE 40S. LIGHT WIND. > .WEDNESDAY...SUNNY AND COOL. HIGH IN THE LOWER 70S.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Indiana Zones and the Weather of Doom.  I like it. } } Since no question was specified either explicitly or implicitly } I have no response about the sexual conotations of your message.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   Oh Major Oracle Guy, whose ______ is like ________, etc., etc... >  I am graduatating this quarter with a degree in computer science.  My > brain feels like it has been left in a car, in the sun with the windows > rolled up.  Are recreational pharmiceuticals the only answer or is my > destiny to write COBAL code for a feminine deodorant spray company for > the rest of my existence?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hey, CS'll do that to you.  Why not go on to graduate school?  Then you } can become a professor (first frying your brain totally) and avoid } writing COBOL (or indeed any other computer language) indefinitely. } } Be sure to choose a graduate school in a totally dull place -- fewer } distractions.  How about Illinois/Urbana or Purdue?  Pretty good schools } and fucking awful places to live -- smelly small towns with no women in } them, no nearby natural beauty (well, there's a little near Purdue), } beanfields all around.  Ugh. } } Avoid rec.  drugs, except for alcohol, caffeine, and speed (used by the } great mathematician Pal Erdos).  Real nerds don't use any other drugs.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How come the new edition of the Oxford English Dictionary doesn't have > the word "microcode" in it?  I want my money back!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Obviously, you have attempted to look up "microcode" in a PAPER based } dictionary.  It is common knowledge that all forms of written } communication are archaic and useless.  Likewise, any person utilizing } any form of written communication, including newsprint, textbooks (ever } heard of man pages ?), envelopes, and 1040's are also subject to this } classification. } } Perhaps the almighty oracle was too gracious in assuming your acceptance } of these facts since you obviously have internet access of some sort. } Online Dictionaries do have "microcode" listed and properly defined. } Along with other terms such as RISC and BIOS, since some poor undergrad } bastard was the one who was forced to type in the sonfabitch. } } The almighty and omnipotent oracle, who coincidently has NEVER lowered } itself to even touching a book, shows no mercy upon your insignificant } existenece and refers you "look that up in your Funk&Wagnalls".  Next } time, consult an ON-LINE dictionary, where you will find an entry as } such: } } paper (pa~ pur) noun - an archaic an useless form of communication }               relied upon by morons, dolts and other simplex species }               who lack the general intelligence or dexterity to }               operate electronic communication systems i.e. keyboards, }               terminals, computers.  Also, a dried and pressed }               form of horsedung used to convey official state, federal }               and local government communications and beaurocratic }               nonsense for the annoyance and consternation of higher }               life forms refered to as "computer literates". }               -see also/ print, taxes, english-majors. } } You owe the great Oracle 47 pictures of nude women, in TIFF, GIFF, of } SunRast format.  Oh, you must also immeadiately dispose of all printed } material you can find, (no burning allowed, remember the enviorment) and } seduce 5 freshman lit majors into a satanic cult of your choice.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the Universal Truth of the universe?  I have been to > mountaintops in Tibet, seen gurus in Nepal, and taken dangerous amounts > of hallucinogens in persuit of the elusive Truth.  I am even considering > going to the library and checking out a book!  Can you help me and save > me from actually reading?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Alas, there is only one way to find out the genuine Truth of the } Universe.  You've taken the first step, by writing the Oracle and asking } for help.  The most important thing about this step is that you've } realized that you can't do it alone, that no amount of hallucinogens or } interviews with gurus is going to do it for you.  This is the first step } on the road to recovery... } } Now you have to sign up with Truth-Seekers Annonymous, a twelve-step } group that supports victims of truth-seeking and helps them get back } into main- stream society with enough ontological backing that they } won't go running off into the Swami Riverami ashram or join the Moonies } or some other shortcut solution to enlightenment.  TSA members work on } the buddy system, and if you feel that urge to meditate for seventeen } hours or to visualize world peace, just call up your "buddy" who'll try } to talk you out of it.  Now that you've realized you're a truthaholic, } take the next step.  Join Truth-Seekers Annonymous and find your real } place in the universe again. } } For more information about TSA, post a message on alt.recovery.  The } Usenet Oracle, apart from a 5% cut of the membership fees, has no } connection with Truth-Seekers Annonymous. } } You owe the Oracle 5% of your membership fee and the rest of your supply } of hallucinogens.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, What's the last digit of Pi?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hardy har har.  It is to laugh.  Chuckle chuckle chuckle.  Look, pi is a } transcen-fucking-dental number, capeche?  There isn't any goddam last } digit of pi.  The Oracle's not some stupid ass computer like that one on } Star Trek (the old series, with Bill the Overactor Shatner as James T. } Bloody Kirk), which when possessed by an evil thingy, could be tricked } into trying to calculate pi.  Hell no!  The Oracle is too smart for } that. } } Thought you had It stumped, hein?  Try something hard, like the words to } the basso aria in J.  S.  Bach's cantata 90 (So loeschet im eifer der } raechende Richter / Dem Leuchter des Wortes zur Strafe doch aus.  / Ihr } muesset, O Suender, durch euer Verschulden / Dem Greuel an heiliger } Staetten erdulden/ Ihr machet aus Tempel ein moerderisch Haus -- in cas } you decide to get all smart-ass and ask that question).

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What Old Roses are usually grown on their own roots?  I know that > species roses usually are, as are the tougher Rugosae, but what about > Gallica and Bourbon and Damask and Moss roses?  Are they usually > grafted?  In this climate roses sometimes die back to the roots after a > particularly bad winter, so that kills the grafts and causes _Rosa > centifolia_ or whatever shoots to sucker from the rootstock. > > Thanks.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What is a Rose by any other name?  You seek to confuse the Oracle by } using so called species names created by the so called botanists, but } the Oracle is beyond trickery.  The true question should have been the } differentiation of the alienated Rose and species Rose. }     As all immortals know, Gallica, Bourbon, Damask, Moss, all these are } merely the physical manifestation of the philosophically true Rose.  It } is a projection of the actively contemplating mind of the Supreme Rose } -- the Rosegeist -- which is the collective consciousness of the Old } Roses alienated by the diametric duality of its spirit.  Its roots are } roots only in a metaphysical sense, as the physical nutrients of the } soil are directly tied to the conscious and unconscious recognition of } the rosegeist collecting, analyzing and subjugating the foreign elements } of the world into its own subjective existence -- removed from the plane } of sensual unity.  Therefore, as an alienated entity deprived of } interaction and communication with the unified elementality of the } sensual universe, the rosegeist disperses while unifying the spiritual } rose into the species rose whose unity with the spiritual is possible } only in the duality of subjective roots and objective grafts. }    So.  There it is.  Is that clear?