} Dear Bill, (let's skip anonymity for once)
} Firstly, to answer your question: The net.goddesses don't celebrate
} their birthdays, since they are immortal and timeless. Giving Barbara a
} birthday present would be a bad idea - she'd probably take it as an
} Secondly, regarding your complaint: You say that you don't want to have
} sex with Barbara, and indeed you yourself sincerely believe that you
} only want to be friends. However, being the Oracle, I can see into the
} very depths of your soul, to the recesses that are hidden even from
} yourself (not a pretty sight!) and see that your hidden wish really is
} to have kinky sex with her. That's why I told her so - I couldn't
} really lie to my darling Babs, could I? After all, its not my fault
} that you're so hung up about sex...
} What - you don't believe me? But I'm the Oracle, and the Oracle never
} lies! You still want proofs? OK, let's do the old trick and log in on
} your brain...
} iuvax % telnet bills-brain.human.net
} Connected to bills-brain.human.net
} Welcome to Bill's Brain - BrainVAX 3200 running HumanVMS
} [So this guy's brain actually runs VMS! No wonder he's neurotic!]
} Username: SYSTEM
} Password: [I know all passwords!]
} Last interactive login on Thursday, MAY-30-1979
} $ set def sys$sysdevice:[subconscious]
} $ type secret_desires.dat
} Eating an entire box of Maryland cookies.
} Sleeping through prof. Johnson's boring lectures.
} Telling prof. Johnson he's boring.
} [ Nothing interesting so far - let's skip the intervening lines ]
} Watching Barbara taking a shower.
} [ Sounds more interesting... ]
} Stealing Barbara's bra.
} [ Sorry, Bill, she doesn't wear one. She thinks it constricts her
} suppleness. It wouldn't be much of much use anyway, her size is 32A.]
} Watching Barbara and Lisa mud-wrestling in the nude.
} Having wild sex with Barbara, in the mud.
} [ See? ]
} Having wild sex with Barbara and Floozie, in the mud.
} [ Considering that Floozie is your french poodle, this sounds rather
} kinky, doesn't it? ]
} [ Hope you believe me now! By the way, I'm in a good mood today, I think
} I'll help you get rid of some of your inhibitions... ]
} $ delete/log in*.*;*
} %DELETE-I-FILDEL, File DRA0:[SUBCONSCIOUS]INHIBITIONS.SEX;78 deleted
} %DELETE-I-FILDEL, File DRA0:[SUBCONSCIOUS]INHIBITIONS.SOCIAL;7 deleted
} %DELETE-I-FILDEL, File DRA0:[SUBCONSCIOUS]INHIBITIONS.VIOLENCE;15 delet
} %DELETE-I-FILDEL, File DRA0:[SUBCONSCIOUS]INTELLIGENCE.DAT;8 deleted
} [ Shit! I didn't mean to do that! Better log out quickly... ]
} $ log
} Connection closed
} iuvax % fg
} Look, you may feel a bit strange the next few days - I think you should
} take it easy until your sysop has found the backup tapes...