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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Which of the following should I get my parents? > >  - Kokayne (tm) Drug Addiction Starter Kits. >  - edible underwear.  They might think you're too lazy to do laundry >       *or* cook food. >  - teflon-coated cookwear.  They might think you're too lazy to do >       the dishes.  That means they'll make you do them all the time >       you're at home just to teach you what it's like. >  - ninja suits.  They'll only wear them once or twice, probably >       when you're around. >  - expensive ivory dice.  They have *no* appreciation of the drama >       of gambling.  Get them cheap warped plastic dice, and then >       teach them a lesson! >  - physics textbooks.  Not good.  They always have just bought the >       very textbook you give them, or (worse) its sequel. >  - marble statue of Catharine the Great.  They'll wonder what you're >       trying to tell them. >  - pet rabbit. Are you kidding?  They'd *never* feed it. >  - new tie.  Only a compulsive harpist would wear a tie. >  - gold-plated snuff box.  Too common and ordinary.  All the rage in >       dirtball states to the South.  Parents will be offended. >  - raw eggs from Great Britian.  All of them are contaminated with >       salmonella. >  - garden weasel.  Great tool, hideous name.  Wait 'till they rename it >       "hand rake" and sell it at K-Mart for $15.99. >  - teflon stock pot.  "What's the matter, dear?  Don't you like my >       cooking?" >  - rat poison.  Very dangerous stuff -- if it can kill rats, it >       can bloody well kill you.  Probably in your sleep. Especially >       if you're sleeping on the couch near the kitchen. >  - third-world nation. Too much debt, too little justice.  It's >       better to give them a county in Great Britain, which. although >       it's not doing very well on the debt *or* justice fronts, >       at least they speak English.  Almost. >  - Cognac.  Cognac is out among the cognacsenti.  Get them vodka or >       everkleer.  They'll forgive you after the first bottle. >  - commemorative chocolate bars in the shape of the presidents. >       Who the hell would want to eat a president? Get something >       edible, for God's sake -- "Great Architectural Features >       of Europe", for example.  Anyone will go for the Eiffel >       Tower. >  - milk.  The drink of doom.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} With ideas like these you should go whole hog. } Kill them, put them out of their misery. } Then Cook the remains. } Eat in a stew at the dorm of death. } Write a book about it. } Then they will at least be remembered at checkout stands across the } nation!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Can you break this code? > > %y3 (4qdo3 w7diw 3ttw!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Question #Qa05969 "Can you break this code?" } } SHORT ANSWER: } } Yes. } } SLIGHTLY LONGER ANSWER: } } Yes, you snoot, I can.  Don't be a putz. } } LONGER ANSWER: } } Can I break this code?  Do chickens have peckers?  Does Lisa have } breasts?  Do you have a hole in your skull?  Is my wallet empty again? } Am I omniscient?  Did I lose my car keys again?  Is BASIC better than } Pascal?  Did Bob Titslinger invent the brassiere?  Do I answer stupid } questions from figs like you all day?  Do you deserve to be called a } fig?  Do people request nude pictures of me?  Is it true?  Is Milli } Vanilli stupid?  Is your face ugly?  Are your lobotomy scars still } showing?  Is Fred Fooglefoffer a dumb name?  Is Fred Fooglefoffer a } figment of my imagination?  Am I smarter than you?  Is a walrus smarter } than you?  A dead walrus?  Do people look at you and laugh?  Is it true } that THEY really are out to get you?  Is Lousiana a loser state?  Am I } slightly angry that nobody ever asks me interesting questions?  Is Bush } a weenie?  Is Dukakis worse than that?  Are you half as bored as I am? } Is "Beaver Lick" a stupid name for a town, or what? } }       You owe the Oracle: } }             * answers to all of these questions. }             * a promise that you will enroll in a "How Not To Be }               Stupid" course at earliest convenience [mine, not yours.] }             * an explanation of who Lord Zardoz is, anyway.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What are the problems that I've been having with the printer?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Impotence and anorexia. } } The impotence is caused by your feelings of guilt over violating your } mother's dying wish for you to have a close coupling with a nice Jewish } line printer, rather than an occasional interface with a 132-column dot } matrix printer (manufactured in Korea). } } The anorexia is caused by the (132-column dot matrix) printer's desire } to be a slim, svelte 80-column laser writer.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, you are so wise, > Your answers widen all our eyes. > With puns and wit so often used, > Of lack of smarts you're not accused. > > But one thing still eludes me, sair, > Why you keep with that pompus flair. > We all know you are nothing more, > Than one of us, down to the core. > > So if you can, please answer this: > Why are you such a pompus piss? > Why do you still insult us all? > How could you maintain such gall? > > My question done, I shall take leave > And let you say what you believe. > I hope that you will mend your ways > And find yourself in better days.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} grovel

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Someone needs a body?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes.  Marilyn Qualye is ashamed of being herself.  She will pay a hefty } sum to anyone who can provide a new body for her, so that she won't have } to be Danny Quayle's wife anymore and have to cringe in public.  Age and } sex of the new body are not primary concerns, nor is race -- just } someone fairly healthy for Marilyn to become for a few years while Danny } shows off his blithering idiocy. } } Send details to this address: } }                 Marilyn's New Body Search }                 P.  O.  Box 17632 }                 Washington, D.C.  20013 } } Don't send the body to this address.  It won't fit in the box.  All } bodies sent in without authorization become the property of New Marilyn, } Inc.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, > If a Berlin-style "ur-gestalt" were to come about as a result of > neo-Clavian Berkleyisms and contra-Davidian unifications-of-opposites, > would it be better to have a more highly-stratified yet extremely > prosaic semiotic doubt-whilst-still-acting concerning the Movement, or > simply continue with my current paradigmatically-oscillating Hegelian > pluralism-of-imperatives?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Unlikely, no?  Such an "ur-gestalt" would more likely be the result of } neo-Platonic semi-existential essences and contra-Thomistic } hermeneutics, eh?  But suppose that it did.  Neither alternative you } mention appears the correct one.  Why not a post-Kirkegaardian } semi-Albertine evolutionary counterintuitive } reappraisal-of-apprehensions, with a side order of dialectic } post-Jungian trans-archetypal pre-rationalistic transformational } Cartesian transcendental contra-semi-dualistic wetting-of-underdrawers, } hold the antinomian re-integrative non-Sartrean Freudian semi-Jamesian } Marxist Heideggerian onion rings?

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise and venerable Oracle, > > I've got a problem.  My personality keeps changing.  Without warning > I'll become an entirely different dude, like, y'know, or even a chick, I > mean, it's like a different person takes possession of my mind and body. > I have no gaps whatever in my memories, and I haven't any trouble > working, but, Orrie-porrie darling, I could just _spit_ because of what > it does to my soci-woci life!  Indisputably this chronic transformation > of persona renders me inept in interaction with other persons.  Uh, > like, man, what do I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To permanantly solve your problem, you need to only follow a few steps. } 1)  Find a couple cinderblocks.  (3 or 4 would do the job) } 2)  Take them to a bridge } 3)  Get about 50' of very strong rope } 4)  Take the rope to the bridge } 5)  Tie the cinderblocks together very tightly with one end of the rope } 6)  Make yourself a nice comfortable necktie with the other end } 7)  Make sure that the necktie is not too loose. } 8)  Who needs the cinderblocks anyways, toss them off the bridge. } } I hope I've helped. } You owe the oracle an autograph if you turn into anyone famous before } you get cured.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hi, Mr. Oracle!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! > I'm new around here, someone told me to type a ?  here and you would > answer it, so here it is!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!]^H^H^H^H^H > How much wood could a wood chuck^H^H^H^H^H^Hoh no that's dumb > Does Dan Quayle give good head^H^H^H^H^Hno, I shouldn't wirte a dirty > noe^H^H > Why is a duck????? No, actually don't answer that one its like Zen :-) > OK, my real question is......... > IS MY BOYFRIEND CHEATING ON ME????????????????????? > PLEase answer soon.  ADTHANKSVANCE!!!!!(get it?  it's thanks IN > advance!!!!)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A duck is a duck, oh, oh f*ck, oh f*ck, unless that duck is the famous } Mr.  Ed.  Sorry, wrong question.  Honey, I don't know if your boyfriend } is cheating on you, but trust is an integral part of all relationships. } In fact, if r(t) = the relationship function, and T(t) is trust, } }          __POSITIVE INFINITY                        |POSITIVE INFINITY }          |                            1             | }  T(t) =  | e^r(t)dt            =  ---------- e^r(t) | }          |                        d[r(t)]/dt        | }         -- NEGATIVE INFINITY                        |NEGATIVE INFINITY } } The answer to your question, therefore, depends on r(t), which means } that the answer depends on the way each infinitesimal detail of your } relationship combines to make up the whole of your relationship. } } You owe the Oracle $250 for this session, to pay for my trip to a } Jungian pizza parlor.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Does the Periodic Table get PMS?  If so, do we have t go to a bar until > it blows over (so to speak)?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Periodic Table does indeed get PMS, that is , Pre-Magnesium } Syndrome. So if you see it's around Neon or Sodium time, you'd better } watch out. Bitchy atoms are no fun.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Sagacious Oracle, > >     Still working?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In brief, yes, I am still working, though greatly wounded and quite ill. } The Boracle has largely taken over my duties, and you may expect that } most questions I do not answer personally will be answered in a boring } manner.  If you don't like this, you can get rid of the Boracle } yourself. } } But now you surely want to know why I am so greatly wounded and ill. } It's the Boracle's fault too, I'm afraid.  The Boracle came to tea last } Wednesday.  We reguarly have tea on the first Wednesday in June each } decade.  (One does not wish to spend too much time with the Boracle, who } is far worse in person than on the net.  However, one has professional } obligations.) It has been our invariable custom that the tea should } start at 3:30.  Wednesday, the Boracle showed up at 11:15 a.m., when I } was still wrapped in iron bands and suspended from the ceiling over the } pit full of crazed lobsters.  And of course the Boracle brought Mumpsy, } and of course Mumpsy jumped up to lick my face, knocking me off of the } stand and dumping both of us into the crazed lobster pit. } } The Boracle fished us out (Mumpsy first), and took us to the hospital, } and so our tea was somewhat delayed.  Still, by 6:45, we were sitting in } my hospital room, sipping hospital tea out of hospital styrofoam cups } and eating hospital cookies and slices of the homemade coffee cake that } the Boracle was so proud of having made.  I think that's why I'm ill as } well as wounded, but it might just be spending so long with the Boracle. } } You owe the Oracle some Boracle remover.