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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, > Alt.sex.congressmen.in.drag.fucking.goats was deleted today.  It is my > favorite newsgroup.  Why did they kill it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There was a spelling error,  it should have been } }    alt.sex.wimps.in.hell.all.psu.grads.will.have.their.resumes. } forwarded.to.the.nearest.fried.chicken.cheepo.sleeze.bag.bag.bag.bork. } bork.when.will.this.ever.end.only.at.the.file.system.limit.on.that. } cheepo.rat.nest.sun.workstation.that.is.not.really.worth.the.blahhhhhhhh

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> is it true > could it possibly be true > can it be > is it at all concievable > that women are more attracted to men who are presently dating another >   woman > please tell me i am at a loss (or actually a bonus)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This woman named Laurie could not get it off. } At men who pursued her she'd laugh and she'd scoff. } Till Andrew, whose lust after Laurie's tight buns } Had him doing cold showers and difficult sums } Paraded before her, from sheer angry spite, } The woman he'd dated the previous night. } } Laurie, who'd feigned an indifference complete } Madly swept Andrew right off of his feet; } She tore off his clothes and tied him to a bed } And turned to his lover and said:  [insert grum riff here] } } ``Now that I see that dating's his passion } I think that this scumbag is due for a thrashin'. } You take the whip, and I'll use the club; } And afterwards salt in his wounds we will rub. } We'll pull out his entrails, the two-timing sleaze, } And stomp on his balls till they feel like mashed peas. } With this razor his skin from his flesh we will flay...'' } He heard nothing more, having fainted away. } He never awoke, and his tattered remains } Were flushed down Manhattan's old sewer drains. } } In short, it may happen that someone's attracted } By your being by another woman distracted. } But you never know just what form that will take. } The girl of your dreams may have passions to slake } Undreamt of by you.  So go home and be faithful; } It's preferable to being entirely wraithful. } } You owe the Oracle a woman who is attractive because she dates other } men.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>         Oh mighty Oracle whose penis is to large to fit into my mere > mortal mouth, whose arse if just the right size for everything.  Enough > of that crap, here's my demand oracle: > >   We know you are actually a front for the Illuminati, the Ancient > Illuminated Seers of Bavaria to be precise.  We knowthat your An-eristic > attitudes are threatening to brainwash the minds of (fnord) millions of > net-readers!  We also know for a fact, that you are on of the Five that > control the world and were personally responsible for the character > assasinations (fnord) of Jim & Tammy Bakker(fnord), Gary Heart(fnord! > Fnord!  fnord!), Premier Bill Vanderzalm (Premier of British Columbia), > and Margaret Thatcher (fnord!  fnord!  fnord!  fnord!  fnord!)!  Now. > We deman justice!  We demand you resign as Oracle and abandon your > foolish Aneristic ways. > >                         Signed, >                                 Hagbard Celine, >                                 Harry Coin, >                                 Joe Malik & George Dorn

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Foolish cultists and walkers of the wrongly paths!  Check your Barrett's } Guide to Seers, Oracles and Heretics again.  See where it says (page } 6,504) "Oracle, Usenet:  ...'foolish Aneristic ways'"?  It's a typo, oh } virulent nimrod.  (Fnord!) The Oracle is ANAEROBIC, not aneristic!  I } exist in the electronic ebbs and (fnord!) flows of network circuitry. } Totally anaerobic I (fnord!  fnord!) I can do chin-ups underwater.  I } can do leg lifts in a plastic bag.  I can do thirty thousand laps around } Manhattan with my head entirely encased in Silly Putty and not even get } winded.  (FNORD!!) Oh, but jeez, I caught your damned cold } anyway...Fnord!  Fnord!  Bastard. } } Besides which, I've never been to Austria.  Corporeally, that is. } } You owe the Oracle a Jazzercize video and a champagne cork for my } esophagus.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is that gunk that collects on the nose rest of glasses?  Is there > some way to prevent it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The gunk that collects on the nose rests of your glasses is a variety of } body cheese known as eye cheese.  There is also toe cheese between your } toes (known also as blue-dirt) and belly button cheese.  In general, all } body cheese is a mixture of natural bodily fluid mixed with particles of } dirt in the air. } } Now, why does eye cheese collect in your noserest?  The answer is quite } simple.  Most people who wear glasses have a larger brain than thos who } do not wear glasses (thus the theory that people who wear glasses are } smarter).  This increased brain size creates greater pressure in the } cranium, whic in turn exerts more pressure on the eye cheese producing } glands located aroud the eye sockets.  Due to the increased pressure, an } excess amount of eye cheese is produced.  It is this excess amount that } collect in your glasses... } } Unfortunately, there is no way to control overactive eye-cheese glands } without removing your eyeballs.  Don't despair, however, for eye cheese } can actually be beneficial.  Many foresightful, buxom women, realizing } that an overabundance of eye cheese indicates an exceptionally } intelligent individual, actually seek out men with gooped up glasses. } In fact, that's how I met my wife , Mrs.  Hawaiian Tropic 1989!  And } even if eye cheese doesn't net you a spouse, it tastes great when you } spread it on Ritz crackers....

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I just heard about the French Open Women's contest on the radio.  They > told me who won it, but didn't describe the contest itself.  What's it > about?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oooh, difficult one that!  In France, they seem to be infatuated with } gastronomic delights such as snails and frogs' legs.  The French Open } Women's contest is designed to take the best of these two elements of } the French way of life and combine them into one - the traditional } method is to lie flat on one's back whilst clenching a standard, fasted } cooking snail between the soles of the feet.  The woman has to draw her } legs up into the standard open posture, as resembles a frog lying on its } back on a chopping board prior to being skinned for cooking, without } dropping or crushing the snail.  This feat is repeated with two, three, } four, etc snails between the soles of the feet, the winner being the one } who can accomplish the posture with the most snails so held. } } It follows that the French like to play with their food!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> have you ever suck a dog?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle disdainfully repilies to the question (and he quotes } verbatim) -[ "have you ever suck a dog?" } } The Oracle is appalled and offended by the perverted nature of the } aforenoted question - the phrase 'suck a dog' is a denotative imperative } and is, as such, quite unsuited to the tone of a generalized past } imperfect enquiry.  In addition, sentences in the English language are } usually begun with a capitalized letter as in "Have you ever taken an } english class you moron?" } } The Oracles magnificent presence is perturbed by the ambiguous nature of } the question, (and who wouldn't be?) } }         Is it sexual, insinuating a penchant for rampant bestiality? } }         Is it merely a reference to sucking a wiener out of a bun at a }         Tigers game, made by someone with a California education (how }         can they be expected to know better?)? } }         Is it a side-effect of someone's mistaking their terminal for }         their loved one after seventeen too many bacardi's? } } Well, says the almighty Oracle, if the first :  Yes, he has.  He shall } not attempt to say any more in this regard for fear of being arrested } and thrown into the same jail cell as 2 Live Crew. } } If the second :  No he hasn't.  The Oracle being all-knowing and } apprised of the universal truths cannot stand baseball.  (His being an } alien also has something to do with this). } } If the third :  The Oracle says, Get a @#$%&*!  grip on yourself.  Think } before you drink.  i.e Bacardi is for pansies.  The Oracle prefers a } good bottle (or six) of Stolichnaya - redolent of the grainy russian } steppe.  (If you are gay, the Oracle recants this particular reprimand). } }         What part of the dog?

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Was Led Zeppelin satanic, and if so why did they wear bell-bottoms?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, everybody in Hell wears bell-bottoms.  It's part of the } required uniform, which is designed to humiliate and degrade people. } You're also required to wear geeky hats with springy antennas on top, } tightly woven polyester shirts buttoned all the way up to the collar, } pantyhose, training bras, clip-on bow ties, thick taped glasses, braces, } dutch clogs, and mittens with a string that runs up one arm and down the } other.  Anytime you see anyone wearing one or more of these items, } they're probably Satanists. } } Actually, though, the guys in Led Zeppelin weren't Satanists.  They wore } bell-bottoms because they had atrocious taste.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great oracle , lord most high of great and wonderous power and awe, > may your rod never wither oh great grey green greasy one and may your > camels always be fertile, please answer my most perplexing question.... > > why is it that nine out of ten men who have tried camels, prefer women?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It all has to do with the intriguing genital differences between camels } (lustus humpus) and women (fuckus offus).  You see the women have } extremely small vaginas, minute clitorii and two breasts.  Camels, on } the other hands, have vaginas that four men can fit in, clitorii that } are arm-pit sized and enough breasts to feed fourteen Ethiopians for } twelve weeks.  This disparate difference between men and dromedaries can } crush any male ego, hence the natural prediliction for human females. } } You owe the Oracle a twelve teat bra for his favourite camel.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Alcatraz!  Ho, Alcatraz!  Well, what have we here?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'd like two Good Humors please. } } I haven't got any Good Humors, I've just got this bloody } Alcatraz!  (shouts) Alcatraz! } } What flavor is it? } } It's a prison, mate.  It's a bloody prison.  It doesn't have } any bloody flavor!  (shouts) Alcatraz! } } It's got to be some flavor, I mean everything's got a flavor. } } All right, it's bloody Alcatraz flavor - it's bloody stone built } Alcatraz flavor!  (shouts) Alcatraz! } } Do you get wafers with it? } } Course you don't get bloody wafers with it!  It's a bloody prison, } isn't it?  (shouts) Alcatraz! } } I'll have two please. } } I've only got one you cocksucker!  (shouts) Alcatraz! } } You owe the Oracle Brains-on-a-Stick.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and fishy Oracle, master of all holiness flagrant, whose beauty > punches the angels themselves, whose life stinks more wonderfully than > the stars themselves, grant me this morsel of your omniscience.  Is it > really the case that LSD is the cause of Satanism, moral decline of most > of America, and the Bible?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   No. As usual, this is a grossly overgeneralized rumor with no } basis in fact. Although laboratory rats soaked in a pure solution } of LSD for several weeks *do* come out looking like Satan, or } the Bible, or both, and they *do* promote moral decay if taken } internally with 2-3 bandsaws and a fire hatchet, this has absolutely } no relation to the high incidence of sulphur and brimstone in } television evangelists. In fact, this latter correlation can } be completely explained by a few simple observations: } }     -- The Devil can quote scripture to further his own ends. (Shake- } speare said it; it must be true.) }     -- The Devil likes death and destruction and bathroom mildew and } vacant-eyed children. }     -- Television evangelists are quite capable of producing the above. } }     Therefore, it is easily seen that television evangelists are pawns } of the devil. It can be further shown ( though I will not do so here ) } that the same sorts of arguments apply to all religious types back } through to the dawn of time -- so, in fact, not only can the Devil } cite scripture, but he in fact wrote it. God was called away to an } interuniversal Brockian Ultra-Cricket match immediately after creation } of our universee, and Satan, Satanism, moral decay, and the Bible } all sort of spontaneously generated each other, like microorganisms. } God will return soon and will probably clear us all away to create } his planned race of meditative dust-bunnies.