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} The Oracle's munificent being has seen women of great beauty
} in every corner of this planet. Any attemnpt to qualify this variegated
} assimilation of physical pulchritude with the ultimate superlatives,
} however, in an equitable, universal, and ABSOLUTE fashion is one
} fraught with many hazards. Beauty IS to the eye of the beholder.
}
} Yet, the Oracular greatness is aware that you require an
} answer more specific than that to satisy your jejune (by now)
} palate for masturbatory fantasy.
}
} The Oracle will, therefore, classify women according to
} pulchritudinal type:
}
} 1) Big-jaw, brassy model type - Carol Alt wins here, edging
} Kathy Ireland to second place. She is married to the large, ugly, and
} now toothless goalkeeper for the New York Islanders who is also
} big-jawed.
}
} 2) Ethereal, delicate yet sexy model-type - Paulina Porizkova
} hands down. Rick Ocasek of the Cars is, by virtue of being her husband,
} allowed to put HIS hands anywhere he wants.
}
} 3) Blond nymphet type - The Oracle nods towards Morgan Fairchild
} with more than just its head.
}
} 4) Smoldering, come-do-me type - Without a doubt starlet
} Madeleine Stowe. Catch her in the movie 'Revenge'. Better yet just
} catch her and mail her to the Oracle.
}
} 5) English rose type - A two-way tie here between Twiggy and the
} wife of the late, great Zeppelin drummer John Bonham, Jo. This is why
} the sun never sets on the British empire - with women like that, God
} can't trust an Englishman in the dark.
}
} 6) Girlish nymph type - 19 year old Miss Universe 1990 - Miss
} Iceland. She wants to be a nurse. The Oracle wants to be sick.
}
} 7) Firm, tanned, athletic California type - Shawn Weatherly.
} She makes the final cut over the about two zillion others on Venice
} Beach because she knows how to spell.
}
} 8) Mature but still quite nailworthy type - Another tie between
} Kathleen Turner and Linda Evans. They may be old enough to be your
} mother but at least you will see breast-feeding with in an exciting new
} perspective.
}
} 9) The down-home, clean-faced, Apple-pie but-she-can-still-blow-
} your-mind-and-balls type - Debra Winger. Especially good for those
} Nun-type fantasies.
}
} 10) The gay men's type - Mom. Need we say more?
}
} 11) The ball-and-chain type - Your present girlfriend who is 40
} pounds overweight, wears tight green polyester slacks, and has a face
} that would make a Hawaiian volcano erupt. Were you on a love-jaunt in
} waikiki oh, about a month ago?
}
} As far as that fantasy ritual goes
} a) Remove the white masking tape that holds your
} spectacles together.
} b) Better yet, get contacts.
} c) Get rid of the row of multicolor pens in your
} front shirt-pocket.
} d) Also dispense with the plastic pocket liner.
} e) Avoid apparell and accessories which hav tapering
} points - shirt collars, shoes, hats.
} f) Avoid patterned synthetic fabrics.
} g) Ritually incinerate all tirtyone pairs of
} suspenders.
} h)Do the same with your white-socks.
} i) Fall for the first woman you see.
}
} If you follow the preceding elementary steps, she just might
} fall for you. And (re: type 11) we all know that love makes any woman
} beatiful.
}
} The Oracle's magnificence has deemed that the ritual be a
} success.
}
} You owe the Oracle Madeleine Stowe.
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