Goto:

173, 173-01, 173-02, 173-03, 173-04, 173-05, 173-06, 173-07, 173-08, 173-09, 173-10

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       O is for the many things you've told me, >       R is for the happiness you bring, >       A is for your writing style so splendid, >       C is for the songs you love to sing, >       L is for your knowledge and good senses, >       E is for your stature oh so tall, >       Put them all together and they spell ORACLE, >       The greatest net.being of them all! > >       Okay, now how much do I get paid for that?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} T is for owl tripes encased in lung jelly } H is for horse shit, quite old and quite smelly } E for three elephants, with five legs all told } S for a new set of teeth made of gold, } E is an eggplant all covered in green mold } } V is my virginity, a wee bit soiled and tattered } E's a plate of eels and shrimp, both lightly fried and battered } R is a rocket to send you to Venus } S is a shiny shellacked pseudo-penis } E is an eagle to shit on your shoulder } S is a sex slave, for when you get older.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How many rods must a woman stroke down > Before she can keep her a man? > Yes, and how many times must she teach him to sail > Before they can hump in the sand? > Yes, and how many times can she unzip his fly > Before she's forever banned?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Knight of Rods must a woman stroke down, } Before she can keep her a man. } The Two of Cups must she teach him to sail, } Before they can hump in the sand. } The Nine of Swords, as she unzips his fly, } Will leave her forever banned, } But the Queen of the Pentacles, clad in the sky: } That is the fate that is planned.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wise and wonderful Oracle, whose breath defies description, > whose words of wisdom, if collected and written down would most > assuredly would fill at least a post card, please answer my humble > query: >       Why can't I get a date with the cute girl at the next > terminal?  I ask her every day, but she still says no.  I've even > killed her former boyfriend, but she still won't consent.  What should > I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Here are some possibly helpful suggestions. } } 1. Get rid of your own boyfriends, at least the ones wearing studded- }    leather choke collars and whips in their belts who come and flog you }    for fun right there in the terminal room. } } 2. [This has been deleted on the grounds of obscenity.] } } 3. Make sure that your tongue is in your mouth and your penis inside }    your pants the next time she sees you.  Last time it was kind of the }    other way around. } } 4. Take the octopus off your head. } } 5. That tie has got to go to.  *nothing* with exposed penises on it will }    do at this stage of the chase.  Contrary to popular opinion, that }    particular organ does not drive women crazy with desire merely by }    sight. } } 6. While you're at it, you'd best lose about seven hundred pounds. }    Right now, the most lustful thought she's likely to think about you }    is that you'd crush her if you were on top. } } 7. Wear a rubber.  All the time. } } You owe the Oracle the text of way #2.  I didn't get to see it before } Kinzler deleted it.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey, how would you like it if someone came up to you and called you a > pornographer?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Under the circumstances it would not worry me unduly:  As a cursory } glance at oracularities will tell you, I am a pornographer.  I also } would not object to being called a pimp, as I think my dealings with } Lisa could be fairly construed in this manner. } } *****WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING ****** } }       *********FEMINISM DETECTED IN SYSTEM*********** } } THE ORACLE PROGRAM HAS BEEN INFECTED WITH A FEMINIST VIRUS.  THIS } SERVICE WILL SHUT UNTIL VIRUS CAN BE NEUTRALISED. } } Do not attempt to contact the Oracle for a period of 7 days unless } you want your sexual politics liberated. } } **SHUTTING DOWN IUVAX** } } Disconnected, drop in control signal

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wise and wonderful Oracle, whose praises are too numerous to state ... > actually, that's not strictly true, 'cause I can't actually think of any > at the moment ... > > Is Henry Cate III a daemon?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Okay.  I admit it.  You don't have to badger me. } } THE ORACLE IS RESPONSIBLE FOR WRITING A "DIGESTIFY" MACRO THAT POSTS } FREQUENTLY TO REC.HUMOR!!! } } H - Handy } e - Electronic } n - Null-terminating } r - Recursive } Y - Yell-reducing } } C - Coded } a - Automatic } t - Telecommunications } e - Editor } } III - Version 3 } } You owe the oracle all the jokes you have with the word "snail" in them.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Do you like green eggs and ham?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I do not like them, Sam I Am! } I do not like them in a boat } I do not like them down my throat } I do not like them in a car } I do not like them in a bar } I do not like them thrown at me } I do not like them served with pee } I do not like them on the grass } I do not like them up my ass } I do not like them on a train } I do not like them down the drain } I do not like them in a store } I do not like them with a whore } I do not like them highly spiced } I do not like them etherized } I do not like them in a sack } I do not like them on the rack } I do not like them with hard knocks } I do not like them with these shocks } I do not like them on an axe } I do not laaaaarr/ } } You owe the Oracle a new head.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who is the person who just types stuff like "alsdf" as the Oracle's > response, and what can we do about him/her?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You have to assume that such a person is an idiot.  The only way to deal } with such an idiot is to wait for their stupidity to do give you a clue } as to their identity.  This will probably happen by them accidentaly } leaving their signature on one of their replies, or accidentaly leaving } a name, or something of that sort.  When this happens, it's time to get } even on these jerks.  Go to a NeXT computer that supports voice mail. } (Meaning one with a microphone attached) Create a message that is as } close to 100K as you can get without going over.  Then, send the idiot } 300 coppies of the message.  It will take the moron for ever to boot up } his/her mail program.  When they do, they will have 300 messages of } garbage.  Note that it is very important that your messages don't get } over 100K, because then they will bounce back in your face, and you } could get to yourself what you sent to him. } So good luck. } Let's shut this bastard down!!!!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have a frend who is becoming Scottish.  Can I cure him with bismuth > tablets?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, yes, but there are easier methods.  Just a second, let me look } through these Big Dusty Tomes of Arcane Knowledge... } } [insert sound of sixteen million pages flipping rapidly] } } AHA! } }    A Curre for the Afflictionne of The Scot in Men } }   1) Place the afflicted person on a short stool which is painted red. }   2) Go get your tape player. }   3) Play every song Sheena Easton has ever recorded at full volume }      directly into his left ear.  Simultaneously, play "sound bites" }      of Scotty (the misogynist from Star Trek) at full volume into }      his right ear. }   4) Step three should take several hours.  While this is going on, }      make (or mail-order) five hundred clones of Jackie Stewart }      (that annoying little twerp who color-commentaries ABC's auto }      races). }   5) The subject's aural capacity should be burnt out by now, so }      order the clones to all speak at once (while naked and in front }      of the subject) "Wha, therrs a carr wi' los uv pahwer." }   6) Now execute the clones with bagpipes stuffed with explosives. }   7) Point out just how UGLY those kilts are. }   8) Lastly, pound the subject over the head with a halberd until he }      is unconcious.  WHen he wakes up, he'll be cured of his Scottish- }      ness. } } Quite simple, no?  And none of the awful side effects of bismuth } tablets. } } You owe the Oracle a GIF format picture of Sheena Easton without her red } dress.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh vast and mighty Oraclular god-being, with whom I will never again > fuck, I wish to express my deep apologies for not addressing you with > due respect in my last question.  I'm am extremely sorry, genuinely > remorseful, and filled with shame.  I truly regret my behavior and wish > only to convey my honest wish that you might find it in your heart to > forgive me. > > That said, oh mighty one, I must ask:  inappropriate as my mode of > address was, do you really feel it was necessary to send eight women to > flay off my genitalia with red-hot acid-drenched pokers?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, there are many senses of necessary.  It was not, for example, } necessary in the philosophical sense of "inconceivable to be otherwise"; } I could have, and almost did, send fifteen squirrels to bite them off, } or perhaps I could have chosen a different punishment entirely, such as } causing your hair to secret a caustic acid. } } Neither was it necessary to maintain geopolitical stability.  For this } purpose, a mere flogging at the hand of Igor Ligachev would have } sufficed.  It was also not necessary (or sufficient) for the continued } survival of humanity, which I have pretty much given up on.  Finally, it } was in no way necessary to allow me to sleep at night; I have Lisa for } that. } } However, we don't want the sun to go nova, do we?  Not even a little } teeny solar flare to wipe out all life on earth, eh?  So don't complain } about your genatalia and the red-hot pokers, boy.  Just be glad you're } still alive.  That sun can be mean sometimes. } } The oracle has covered its ass.  You owe the Oracle a new roll of toilet } paper (to be delivered *before* the oracle had covered its ass and } gotten the ass-cover all gross.)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       What's the diff. between a wekk and a week?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A wekk is a wok full of wicks and of wax } A week is a geek with his Bics and his backs! } } A wekk likes to swim in the watery see, } But a week has to find a potty to wee! } } A wekk, like a wombat, wears a wide shell; } A week whines that combat is so much like a hell! } } A wekk has a waddle, a waiter, a wine; } A week has a bottle of bubbling brine!