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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I fuck a duck > A duck I fuck > Will fuck of duck > Bring me good luck?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm afraid not. } } You see, the hardcopy of your question blew out of the window yesterday } (I've got a bit of a backlog at the moment), and when I arrived at my } office this morning, I found the following people waiting for me: } } 1. A very agitated Moral Majority member, who wanted to know what this }    FILTH was doing on the net, and who was going to PROTECT the }    INNOCENT, PURE young people of this GREAT NATION from this PERVERTED, }    SATANIST, LIBERAL TRASH. Obviously, he was going to call several }    congressmen and demand that the Usenet be immediately PURGED and }    placed under censorship. } } 2. Two even more agitated members of the society for prevention of }    cruelty to animals, who wanted to know what could be done to protect }    these poor birds from this bestial behaviour,  and who wanted your }    address so they could castrate you and flay you alive ("No punishment }    is too harsh for those degraded people who torment poor innocent }    animals just for their own perverted pleasure") } } 3. Three police officers with a search warrant. (Did you know what you }    did is a criminal offence in at least 38 states? Amazing. Where you }    live, the maximum penalty is apparently 20 years imprisonment) } } You don't owe the Oracle anything. } The Oracle wishes you good luck. You'll probably need it.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hi there, Oracle, sir!  When will the Space Pirates raid Atlantis?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm.  Obviously a worthwhile question.  It will require some pondering. } While you are waiting, I shall pipe in a real-time conversation for your } eavesdropping pleasure. } } > So, like, what are you doing tonight? } > Well, you know, I've got this really big date with that hunk from } > geography class. } > That GEEK?  He must be the only person who passed that last test. } > Omigod.  Like how am *I* supposed to know those stupid capitals that } > no-one ever visits, like, lam, lind, limberger, right? } > London. } > Well, I was close.  Jeez, you'd think that it was like George Bush, } > the education president, was in the class watching us or something. } > I don't care.  I'm in love. } > Yeah, well you would be at a time like this.  I'm just starting to } > get noticed by the guy of my dreams, and all you can talk about is } > your been-every-where geek.  You call him interesting?  Mine has long, } > flowing hair. } > He has lice. } > And he wears a lot of leather. } > One day it will beso hot, you'll hug him and you won't be able to let } > go. } > And he has his own motorcycle. } > No, it's a motorSCOOTER.  I have one of those too, big deal. } > Oh, and I suppose your geek has his own private plane so that he can } > go to all those places like Spam. } > That's Spain. } > Whatever. } > Well fine, you just keep on seeing him, and the day you melt into his } > leather don't come scooting back too me saying you're sorry.  I don't } > need another guilt trip, you know.  I already have my mom, my dad, my } > step-mom, and my step-dad and my little brother.  I don't need a guilt } > trip from my ex-best friend too. } > Well, fine.  I hope I never see you on the Internet again, or else } > I'll send worms to your screen. } > You wouldn't. } > Uh huh.  And I'll start wrapping that dumb operator around my pinky, } > and get him to kill all of your processes.  You'd never get a single } > thing done on this machine ever. } > Fine.  I hope I never see you again. } > Good. } > Oh and by the way, you just reminded me that we need garbage bags and } > dirt for the phicus.  Don't forget. } > [Connection closed.  Exiting.] } } Well, wasn't that fun!  Right on time.  I have the answer.  "When pigs } fly." Using darwin's thoeries of evolution and the mathematical models } only I could have created, it should be in about 50 years, 3 months, 14 } days.  Give or take 5 months, the gestation period for the flying pig. } } You owe the oracle a detailed map of the world, in Chinese, to be } delivered by the cutest guy in your class riding a flying pig.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> so whatever happened to the little boy who used to say "strawberries" on > the old Breyers ice cream ads?  is he dead yet or what?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} He died of eating strawberries and drinking milk at the same time in } 1986, and from being stabbed by a mugger in Central Park while he was } walking his little poodle Muffin in 1987. } } In 1988, he was: }   - killed by a meteor while visiting his dying aunt in San Jose, }   - strangled by a tequila-crazed Mexican electrical engineer in San }     Antonio, and }   - bludgeoned to death when the butler at his family's estate mistook }     him for a sixty-foot-tall invading slime monster from Mars. } } 1989 was a particularly bad year. }   - He died of AIDS which he contracted from a piece of fan mail; }   - He died of cancer which he contracted from a television commercial }     advertising tobacco, which is a known carcinogen. }   - He died of a broken leg.  This could have been prevented.  He }     dismissed it as just a simple cold and did not see the doctor until }     it was *too* *fucking* *late*. }   - He mistakenly drank the bowl of hydrocyanic acid that his mother had }     set out to poison the cockroaches; }   - He was swimming in his family's pool in Kennebunkport, and a slimy }     green tentacle reached up from the drain and pulled him down, to the }     terrified screams of his little sister, just before she was eaten by }     his little poodle Muffin. }   - He was kidnapped by Iranian Quaker fundamentalists, who nailed him }     to a wall in a mosque and fed him only bean sprouts and tofu.  They }     haven't killed him yet, though they say they won't release him until }     he gains two hundred and fifty pounds and grows a long beard. }   - He was also fed some Reese's Peanut Butter Cups containing tarantula }     eggs, which hatched in his throat as he was eating them, and then }     they ate him up from the inside. }   - The cook at the local Denny's restaurant thought he was a potato and }     made him into some delicious, just-like-home hash browns (though }     there is a good deal of suspicion that the cook was on orders from }     higher-ups at Denny's to eliminate him -- but there has been NO }     Federal investigation of the matter.  We suspect a cover-up. }     Senator DeNounies has strong connections to the Denny's chain.) } } So far, 1990 isn't shaping up to be much better: }   - He died of Tortellini's Syndrome, a rare disorder of the hair and }     fingernails which is invariable fatal, which he contracted from }     eating un-thermoclined apples. }   - He died of a toothache.  This, too, could have been prevented.  It }     was the doctor's mistake.  The doctor confused it with Linguini's }     Syndrome, a rare disorder of the ovaries and vagina which is }     lark's tongues.  The toothache invariably aphrodisiac, a disease }     which is contracted from eating was not treated until far too late, }     and he died in agony on the dentist's chair. }   - He was eaten by dragons, because he stuck his head out from under }     the sheets when he *knew* that there were hungry, man-eating dragons }     under his bed. }   - He was struck by a De-Pulmonizer beam from an orbiting Glortron }     Death Saucer, which reduced him to a pool of amorphous slime barely }     able to ooze around under his own power.  His parents then mistook }     him for a shoggoth, and threw him into the fireplace. }   - Muffin was bitten by a rabid squirrel, and in turn bit him when he }     went to cuddle the cute little animal.  He died of rabies, tetanus, }     and polio the next day. } } (Hint:  do not, under any circumstances, allow your children to perform } in commercials.  It is far, far too dangerous.) } } The Oracle has thought like Edward Gorey and Gary Larson.  You owe the } Oracle a date with a bisexual woman with long red hair, who wants to get } involved in a FFM trio.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       How tall was Wm. Shakespeare?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A mere moment's pondering of thy question was } all requisite to see  it to be without  relevance. } Is a man's measure to be reckoned in inches and feet, } leaving naught but numbers to speak of his stature? } Were it to say he is taller than an oak, } would that suffice? Or 'twere that he were shorter than } Lisa's cur, who oft crawls through the tiny passages } 'neath this domicile, would that reduce the greatness of } him? Of what possible import could such an enumeration bear? } Get thee to a life, scoundrel! My time shall be wasted no } more upon thy impertinent request. } } Thou owest the Oracle complete blueprint of the Globe Theatre.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> how can i repell all the horndog freshman cs user geek boys?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Smear your face with slimy goo, } Shave your head, your eyebrows too, } Have your arms and legs removed, } And they will be repelled. } } Have your teeth pulled from your face } And made into a neck-a-lace, } And wear it with no style or grace, } And they will be repelled. } } Eat three cans of garlic beans, } Add some salt pork, extra lean, } And vomit on the carpeting, } And they will be repelled. } } } Or, alternately, you could buy a can of "ORACLE (tm) Brand Horndog CS } User Geek Boy Repellent Spray." But that's no challenge.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What would happen if you were to spread tuna fish on a satan worshipper > like DAn Regan?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ahhhhh...at long last a question which makes sense, for, haven't we all } wondered what happens when seafood and evil deity worship are blended } into one act.  Well, mortal, this shall prove to be a most satisfying } quest for knowledge. } } You see, satan worshippers have an inherently higher surface temperature } than the average human being, and therefore have trouble when swimming } (they generate lots of fog), sleeping (have you ever tried to purchase } asbestos sheets?), and eating (plastic tableware melts, metal heats up } and burns the food, and Corning hasn't gotten around to designing safe } glass flatware yet).  However, satan worship does have its good points, } especially in the area of seafood rituals. } } Spreading tunafish on a satan worshipper has two results: } } 1) The satanist in question will transmogrify into an exact replica }    of his patron demon.   Looking at the list here, is appears that }    DAn Regan will becom a double for Al'Ahazmid'beggirmazar'immamin'- }    rolmockinsheg'chchch'noddiframmitz'al'ahaxenzhir.  Alhaxenzhir }    (as it prefers to be called in the company of us Immortals) appears }    in the form of three conservative congressmen attached to the body }    of Zsa-Zsa Gabor, except that they all have green, pus-covered sores }    where their eyes should be, and long tongues instead of genitals, }    plus the traditional horns, hooves, and forked tails that are _STILL_ }    in fashion in the Netherworld.  Luckily, Alhaxenzhir will just eat }    the nearest ugly sofa, burp loudly (so much for your ceiling), and }    then rape one of your cousins before returning DAn to his human }    state.  Not too horrible, as patron demons go. } } 2) You will get a tuna-melt sandwich. } } So, depending, I suppose, on how much you really like your cousins } Filbert and Matilda, and if you need to get rid of a couch or two, } spreading tunafish on DAn Regan could be seen as a Smart Move[TM]. } } You owe the Oracle a tuna-melt.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I would like to know why Meech Lake failed, if you don't know what Meech > Lake is then you show an extreme ignorance of your great neighbour to > the North and I would recommend you read back issues of U.S.A.  Today > for info.  Also, why is my dick shrinking?  Any relation to Meech Lake? >                                 Signed >                         The (Un)Honourable Prime Minister >                                 Brian Mulrouney

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Meech Lake failed because it is utterly ludicrous to give a member } of a confederacy special status.  Your dick is shrinking because } that is what is going to happen to your country if you don't do your } job.  Also, being omniscient I know everything.  It is presumptous } for you to suggest otherwise. } } You owe the Oracle special constitutional status.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey Oracle, good buddy!  Why is it that Americans can't speak proper > English? > > For instance, the other day I explained to a Texan friend that I'd been > "severely pissed" the previous evening.  I, of course, meant that I'd > had a pint or three of Guinness too many; but my transatlantic friend > insisted on giving me a lecture on "self confidence building and anxiety > control." > > Also have you ever tried asking for a rubber <eraser> in an American > stationary shop? > > Yours, > > A confused British xenophobe.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The answer, of course, is that the British and the Americans do not } speak the same language (a body of words and systems common to the } people of the same community or nation). } } The danger is that they think they do. } } The Oracle trusts that your severe state of pissedness has righted } itself. } } > Also have you ever tried asking for a rubber <eraser> in an American } > stationary shop? }   ^^^^^^^^^^ } Also, the Oracle must chastise you do referring to a shop which is } unmoving and not describing the goods sold in it.  Perhaps you were } referring to a stationery shop?

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wise and ambidextrous Oracle, whose body odor is the > wonder of all universes: > > What is the reason God torments us with such plagues as Dan Quayle, > peanut butter that sticks to the roof of ones mouth, UNIX, and > toe cheese? > > Is there something we could do (or not do) that would save us from > such suffering?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There is but one thing we can do to ease our suffering: } }               +---------------------------------------------+ }               | Picture Dan Quayle hacking in UNIX, having  | }               | mistaken toe cheese for peanut butter and   | }               | trying to get it off the roof of his mouth. | }               +---------------------------------------------+ } } Ahhhhhh.  You owe the Oracle a cool drink.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is it that most men suffer a complete loss if personality when > exposed in any manner to a computer?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In order to explain this I must detail the story of creation... } } In the beginning there was a Computer.  And God said to the computer } % vi creation.c } He then wrote the universe, and compiled it and it was good. } And God ran it in background, and saw that it was good.  He } then noticed that the Universe was eating CPU time and tried } to kill it, so that he could do his important work, which } was to determine the Ultimate Question of Life the Universe } and Everything.  The Operating System had a glitch and the } Universe could not be kill -9'd. } } It came to pass that a lady friend of His wanted to visit } with Him.  He snarled at her for the interuption.  Then Man, } being made in His image, forever duplicated this when being } interupted by women while he was working on a computer. } } That is why men react poorly when being interupted on the } computer.  It is a Divine trait. } } You owe the Oracle the source code for the Universe.