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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the elliptical eccentricity of Dan Quayle's intelligence?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let's see here.... } } First take 1 divided by Dan Quayle's Intelligence.... <Bzzttt....POP!> } ERROR: Floating Exception - core dumped } } You owe the Oracle a new Math Coprocessor.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hoi, chummer.  I just wrote this to thank you for all the help you gave > me in the past.  I really appreciate it... > > By the way, Why do they make white bread with brown bits around the > edges?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} TOMATO WILT IS THE HOLE IN THE WALL. } } The whiteness of the bread is the symbol of the Sephira Kether in the } world of Briah.  The brownness of the crust is the path 16, } corresponding to the letter Vau and symbolizing the Triumphal or Eternal } Intelligence, which connects the Sephiroth Chokmah and Chesed, in the } world Assiah.  The former, of course, corresponds to the Ultimate } Mystery of the World (not to be confused with the Ultimate Mysteries } outside the world).  The latter corresponds to the Heirophant of the } Greater Trumps. } } LOVE IS COLE SLAW, LOVE UNDER WATER.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hiya, Oracle.  I woke up this morning.  That's kind of unusual, since I > usually sleep until about three, but today was kind of special.  Kind of > special?  Kind of exciting, or something like that.  You see, a large > squid decided that it wanted to share my bed with me.  A very large, > very cold, very wet squid, with very many tentacles, if I may be more > specific.  And it didn't just want to sleep in my bed.  Oh, no!  This > squid wanted to play chess.  And not using my chess set, either!  It > used a chess set with thirty-two visually identical small gray stones as > chessmen, stones which had been dipped in different flavors so that you > could tell them apart by taste but not by vision.  And of course squids > have taste buds in those two longer tentacles, and I had to use my > tongue which (it being early morning) I was in no mood to do.  So, I > lost the chessgame, and then I lost my temper, and then the squid ate > me. > > What should I do now?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 1st:  Get out of the wardrobe.  Sportscoats wont digest you, so you } don't have to panic. } } 2nd:  Apologise to your girlfriend for screaming obscenities at her this } morning.  She probably doesn't appreciate being called a "slimy } cold-blooded fish-faced underhand cheating mollusc".  In fact, she } probably doesn't know what a mollusc is.  The oracle won't point out } that a squid is not in fact a mollusc.  It's an, um, er, it's a squid. } } 3rd:  Take a very large axe or a very big dog and have a little chat } with the guy who sold you the overproof speed. } } 4th:  Enroll in Psych 101, and read the text "Freud, Seafood and } Miniscule Dicks". } } 5th:  Stop bothering the oracle with your drug-distorted sexual hangups; } he has plenty of his own, thankyou very much.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> prrogram prrint a 1 on the screen?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} /* pprogram prrint a 1 on screen */ } /* wrritten for dick_head */ } } main() } { }   printf("1\n");   /* grrrrrr! */ } } } } ------- } And that was the programming contribution for this weeks test, "How } Mentally Retarded Can My Oracle Question Be Yet Still Be Deemed Worthy } Of Reply?".  It was sent in by Genius@Big.Nob.And.Brain in response to } Moron@Geek.Machine.Edu } } Join us next week for the continuation of our "Agonisingly Dull } Questions" when we'll be answering the famous "What's a Floopy Discus?" } question.  Same time, same place ... } } The Oracle Doesn't Want Anything You Have.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where O' Where has my true love gone? O' Where O' Where can she be?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [All Together Now!] } Where O' where are you tonight? } Why did you leave me here all alone? } I searched the world over } And thought I found true love. } You met another and ppttthhhhttt! You were gone. } } Actually, she ran off to sing with Hee Haw and marry Buck Owens.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Most Awesome Oracle!  I just saw on a map that there's a town named > after you!  That's right, Oracle, Arizona!  I'm impressed!  What's the > history of this amazing little town?  Were you born there?  Are there > shrines to you?  Is it appropriate for me to make a pilgrimage there > this summer?  If so, what should I bring?  What's the whole story?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Awesome"? The Oracle is not impressed by val-speak. } } It is, first, important to note that the anagram of "Oracle, Arizona" } is "AA color Zen air." You can make of that what you will. } } As for your shrines question, no, there are no computer terminals in } the town that bears my name - part of a covenant we share. Don't ask. } Thus, it would be impossible to make sacrifices to me there. However, } if you're really feeling in the mood, you can always offer up cash to } me. Unmarked tens and twenties stuffed into your computer's keyboard } is about the best way. Remember: it encourages non-attachment, it gets } your sins forgiven, and it's tax-deductible.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> (con't) > > from the way she handles but still the lamp posts bear > markings that would seem to pre-date the apocalyptic > period that followed the failure of the Spooda crop in > that particular year.  I tried to reason, but the pain > and the vibrationsdrove me back into my lair where I > needed to reconfigure my fundamental philosophical > underpinnings.  This took some time and some soap, as > was recorded faithfully by Boswell, I'm sure you know, > in 1783, and led inexorably to the amalgamation of > thousands of tiny satellite dishes into a simple model > of Mount Rushmore formed entirely of armadillo > entrails.  When my MOTHER found out, the hypersonic > guano-tron misfired and landed flaming rods of astatine > in the duck pond at th Center of the Earth.  This was > expected, but as you might intuit, so distracted the > populous that the annual Festival of Bladders wasn't > even recorded in the annals of sophistry.  When the > local constables reversed the flow of econo-political > >                                   (over please  --> )

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} At any rate, when the brain-flies lean on their chairs and look at you } with their multi-faceted eyes with their multi-faceted contact lenses, } you may be sure that you are in for a true interrogation about the true } nature of reality. } } For behold!  The otter is not damned, nor yet is the frog doomed to } perdition.  And the agonies of the fruit-fly and the guano-beetle are } Consitutitonally guaranteed to be finite and bounded.  But alas!  For } the woes of the Indian and the Calliope are fated to be infinite, cosmic } in scope, and terrible to behold.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please, wise oracle, tell me the words to describe my lady-love, for > when I am with her there are no words and when I am away from her I > can't see her.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       My love is like a red, red rose }       Which droops and starts to decompose }       And when she travels far away }       I note the odour does not stay } }       My love and I shall never part }       I'll always keep her in my heart }       However hard I try to purge }       The memory of her painful dirge } }       My love is like a red, red rose }       All sodden from the garden hose }       A pretty yet still pungent flower }       Run o'er by the garden mower

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I want to have sex with a vax.  I am speaking and doing not of this now > not of this tomorrow but always

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm...why don't you get one of the new MicroVaxWomen from DEC?  These } are real live women who have a single-chip CMOS MicroVax implanted in } their bodies.  They have two little plugs in their skulls:  one is for a } power-supply input, the other is for a fiber-optic link to additional } external memory, a display, and hard disks.  So the woman becomes the } chassis for a real Vax:  she _is_ a Vax while still being a woman. } } Get your girlfriend to have herself converted into a MicroVaxWoman. } When she's down, she can brush her hair over the skull-plugs and nobody } will be able to tell that she's also a Vax.  Marry her if she'll have } you.  When you're in the mood for computing or sex with an up-and- } running Vax, have her plug the power and fiber-optic-bus connections } into her skull.  Bring her up, then hack or hump away all you like. } } It's kind of dehumanizing, though, don't you think?

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>    Why do the English smell?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let us now turn to the Book of Things that Are Written, chapter 4, verse } 5:20.4.1/a, where it is Written: } } Lo!  Yo!  Ho!  It is Written in the Book of Things that Are Written that } the English do Smell.  And Behold!  For this is verily the truth!  When } thou goest to England, yea, and even to Scotland and Wales, thou shalt } discover this to be none other than the veritable Truth.  And how could } it not be True, for indeed it is Written!  Yea, for though the Nasty } would seek to deny it, and though the Geeks would scoff and fleer, yet } it is still true:  and none may truthfully say it otherwise, for such is } the nature of trueness and truthfullness, and truly it is Written in the } Book of Things that Are Written that all that is Written in the Book of } Things that Are Written is right and true and just and just a wee bit } repetitive.  For behold!  Are not the words there upon the page?  Is not } the page before thee?  Is not the light good enough?  Are not thy } glasses clean, or if they be not clean, not so dirty as to prevent all } vision?  Seest thou not the letters of the Book Of Things That Are } Written in front of thee, even as the buzzard seest the decaying animal, } and even as the shephard seest the flying saucer?  For indeed the } British do smell, aye, even when they have been out of Britain for } thrice the lifetime of a turnip, aye, even then still do they smell. } For it is Written in the Book that the British do smell, and what is } Written in the Book is true. } } Well, a bloody lot of help that was.  The British smell because they use } perfume, which is a concept taken from the French style brought over } with William the Conqueror. } } You owe the Oracle a bottle of Chanel No.  i.