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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and powerful Oracle...what happens when an irresistable force > meets an immovable object?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The object gets the hots for the force.  The force thinks the object } won't come, so it doesn't get involved.  The force goes away and has a } torrid affair with a spectrum of eigenvectors.  The object sits in a } corner and blah.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm straight.  Why do I keep getting engaged to lesbians?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Please describe in detail everything that happened to you during your } 40th month.  Did you play with dolls as a child?  Describe the taste of } corn syrup.  Is this glass half full or half empty?  Tell me about your } parents.  Were you ever traumatized by something you saw on TV?  Was it } after 10 pm?  Open wide and saw "Ah".  Please drop your pants.  Cough. } Again.  Was that fun?

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> paradigm anodyne gelatin flax, prickly pears is wonderful snax, melons > and toffee and strangler's glue, soon the pears will come snaxing on > you.  Right?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What a stupid rhyme, wasting my time, this ain't worth a dime, ain't it } a crime? } When you are a joke, your questions I shall choke, 'cause I'm a silly } bloke, and go get a coke. } If you think of it, this ain't worth shit. } The Oracle has rapped.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Which is better: dropsy or gout?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}         Dropsy (more formally known as edema) does wonders for ones } character, but gout tends to raises the IQ to enormous proportions.  If } you can't decide which you would rather have, you better go with the } dropsy...toes are quite important in a good sexual relationship.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I can't hear you because I have my head stuck in a source license.  You > wanna know what's your problem?  It's that nobody ever said that Elvis > Presley offered Falgoche 670 bucks if he would scheme with Stalin.  If > you like apple, you'll love new Idzo breakfast cereal!  Would you rather > study Anthropology or Cello?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Personally, I'd rather study the pseudo-psychological ramifications of } the response of Smurfs to a Pavlov's dog type quasi-intellectual } experiment.  But that's just me.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When will William Shatner receive the recognition he deserves as the > finest actor of his, and any other, generation ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} At the same time that Captain Kirk receives the recognition he deserves } as the most devious starship commander of his, and any other, } generation. } } You owe the Oracle all your duplicate Star Trek stuff.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Every time I drink the soda at our food service, my head explodes. Now > this is getting kind of messy and gross, not even considering the energy > I waste regrowing my head, cleaning the stuff up, and erasing the event > off of all the witnesses minds. (Can't let them know I'm immortal, you > know.) What do you think the problem is?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The basic problem is that your immortality is giving you a swelled head. } Ordinarily, your head is on the verge of explosion; I am surprised that } your friends (if you have any mortal friends, that is) haven't commented } on it.  Maybe they have, and you just erased their minds. } } Soda is highly carbonated --- a single gram of soda will emit 40 cubic } meters of carbon dioxide at standard temperature and pressure. } Naturally, the already-stressed structure of your scalp cannot withstand } this, and explodes as a way of releasing the pressure. } } Stop drinking soda.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       What if I can't pay you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If you don't pay me, cosmic forces beyond human comprehension will } squirt you out of the universe into the cosmic beyond, never to return. } } You owe the oracle two inhabited planets.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>         I dreamed last night that Hobbes bit Calvin's foot off.  Does > this have an underlying meaning or is it some sort of premonition?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The underlying meaning is that your hair is an unnatural mass of webbing } and substance, and grossly needs polishing and tailoring.  Not } premonition. } } You owe the Oracle a haircut.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My gerbil just underwent a spontaneous nuclear confusion.  Do I should > what?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sounds like the confusion is spreading. What you should do depends on } whether it was cold or hot confusion. If it was hot, you had the gerbil } up your ass and deserve to die from ratiading sickness. If cold, run for } the hills! (And over the cliff) } Just as long as the shrews don't reach critical Mass, everything's } grooving.