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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Grammercy, doth thy garter hang unstrung beneath thy knee?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmmmm.... Let's see...... } } <fade> <fizzle> <fizzle> <focus> } } <The scene: a country hayloft, circa 1702, modern-day Delaware. }              Grammercy, a 40-ish spinster looking type, is in a }              clinch with Fozwarth, an 18-year-old stable boy.> } } G: O Fozwarth, Thou doest strain my garters so! } } F: Indeed my dear Grammercy, thy garters do most assuredly require }    strain.  Doth thy welcoming, pulsating womanhood require my strain }    also? } } G: O! O! O Fozwarth!  Thy strain is most compelling!  But have thee }    care!  My garters may become undone!  And that will surely be our }    undoing, mine and thine! } } F: O fair Grammercy!  I care not for thine garters!  Only that thy }    pleasures be found in my manhood!  Release thy garters, Grammercy! }    Release them!  Set them free to wander down thy precious thighs and }    smooth white calves,  while I strain to achieve our ecstasy, thine }    and mine! } } <fade> <fizzle> <fizzle> <focus> } } Looks like. } } You owe The Oracle _The Compleat Guide to Early 18th Century Erotica._

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Things are going according to plan.  The recursion folds reality into > ever greater complexity.  Always more complex.  At some point, the > complexity is such that a new reality arises as a sub-harmonic. > Harmonics warp back upon themselves, and soon give rise to > meta-harmonics of all orders resonating in quantale frequencies.  The > energy of the great crystal drum is exponential.  The oscillators are no > longer subject to Fourier analysis.  Realities have been created of all > orders, and are still growing. > > But why do I feel so nervous?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hey, it's only natural. } } I mean, after that explosion with the phase-emitter and your extinction } in the meta-physical universe IV, its no wonder you aren't up to par } these days. } } Take that and your close proximity to the Volendarr Negative Space } Effects that occured when you wound up the tachyon pulse generator, I } can see why you've got the jitters. } } But don't worry - these things happen.  I'm sure that the readings } you're getting on the space distortion meter are false sums of the } backlash generated by the folding harmonic waves. } } You owe the Oracle a quick escape to another dimension.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Yeah, but I think it's worth it!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because it has been shown existentially by Sartre that we humans are } existence shaping our essence, the statement of "Yeah, but I think it's } worth it!" becomes an afirmation this ultimate freedom.  For, this } ultimate freedom that alows us, and in fact, compels us to ceaslessly } create anew ourselves endows us with not only a responsibility to us as } selves; rather the act of "Yeah, I think it's worth it!" becomes a } choice for all of our species.  Through our choice we create its value, } and decree that through our freedom we have found value for all those, } who like ourselves, struggle with the overwhelming choices that freedom } bestows on us. } } Then again, you may just be a self righteous pile of rat dump. } } Thus has spake the Oracle.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is there life after death?  If so, what is it like.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, finally a deep question.  I remember back when I was in oracle } training school, we would receive endless lectures about answers to } these very sorts of questions.  The "life after death" thing was a } popular topic, and we heard dozens of lectures on it.  Let me go back } and check those notes... } } Jan. 22, 34756 B.C. 4:32 p.m. } Life after death is a common question.  Frequent religious theme. } Strong preceived importance.  Refer to p. 4578 of A. Abercromb (4th } ed.)  <Hi Lisa!>  Early experiments resulted in loss of life and } funding.  <Are you busy Friday?>  Recent experiments have had better } results.  <How about Saturday?>  Primary researchers are not saying } anything.  <How about Sunday?>  They are still dead.  <How often do } you need to brush your dog's teeth?!?>  Refer to "Unknowable Answers } to Unintelligible Questions." } } There yoy have it.  You owe the Oracle a tape recording of what my } professor actually said.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wisest of the wise, greatest of the greats, person who even Elvis looked > to for spiritual guidance when Pricilla turned sixteen and was too old > for him...  I grovel and beseech thee to answer my call.  I know that I > am but a pittance upon the face of the universe, and all the galaxy is > laughing behind my back, but, nonetheless, I look to you, as omnipotent > knower of all that is knowable to help this poor spittle in the > universe. > > I have lost my harmonious link with my environment.  I am no longer able > to speak to the trees, walk with the flowers, and eat dirt.  I have > tried ingesting large quantities of yogurt tacos, however, the effects > were extremely unpleasant.  Could this be divine retribution for some > sin committed in a former embodiment?  Maybe it is because my Karma ran > over my Dogma?  Either way, it is an enigma.  Please save this lost > soul.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In all spiritual development, there are gains and losses, advances and } retreats, hot dogs and icecream koans.  The Divine Powers start out } teasing you with a few easy successes, and then make you work for the } rest.  In your case, they slipped up and gave you the Harmonious Link, } which you are supposed to earn in your seventeenth lifetime as a } vegetarian.  (You have earned three such lifetimes.) Gelleriel, one of } the angels under Uriel, was sent to give you a blessing known as the } Harmonious Fink, a one-time occurrence in which someone betrays you in a } way which enhances your contact with the universe. } } The yogurt tacos, vegetarian though they are, will be of only limited } help.  There are ways of regaining the Harmonious Link which you wore } for some time, but they are perilous and difficult, and only a few } hippies have ever succeeded in doing them.  For you must journey to } Alabama with a banjo on your knee, eating only bean sprouts and } *granola* tacos and drinking nothing but lime rickeys and mint juleps.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What does Quebec want? > When does it want it? > Where does it want it? > And does it want small unmarked bills?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Quebec wants SEX } It wants it on ALTERNATE TUESDAYS } It wants it IN A POOL OF WARM GREEN JELL-O } It doesn't want small unmarked bills.  It would rather have large } unbroken condoms. } } Quebec wants BEER } It wants it WITH MELTED CHEESE ON TOP. } It wants it IN A LARGE CARDBORD BOX } The small unmarked bills don't here help either. } } Quebec wants A PONY. } It wants it WITH RIBBONS TIED IN ITS MANE. } It wants it FOR ITS BIRTHDAY. } I don't get those bills at all. } } Quebec wants SELF-DETERMINATION. } It wants to HAVE AFFAIRS WITH MEN AND WOMEN WHILE IT IS MARRIED. } It wants it IN A HOTEL IN DETRIOT. } It wants to pay for it WITH SMALL UNMARKED BILLS. } } There we go. } } You owe the Oracle sex, beer, a pony, and adultery.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Lisp is the language of god, > Fortran is the language of the angels, > Pascal is the language of satan, > modula 2 is the language of the devils, > french is the language of the living, > german is the language of the dead, > but what is the language of dogs?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There's no English word for it, nor can I transliterate their language's } name via a computer keyboard.  They communicate almost entirely by } sniffing crotches, you see.  (Many people incorrectly believe them to } communicate by barking, but this is clearly false--in fact, a number of } breeds, including basenjis, never bark at all.  Barking is simply an } extra form of communication, much like facial expressions in humans.) } } It would be almost impossible to describe their language's grammar or } structure, since it is one of the most unstructured and freeform } languages ever devised by intelligent creatures.  To give you a feel for } what a dog's world is like, the following is an attempt to translate one } of the works of the single greatest dog poet of all time, Husky, who } lived in the Bronx and marked this poem on a fire hydrant in 1932: } }         Shit wow wow wag wag wag! }         Meat human heat bitch fuck! }         Warm pat scratch eat eat eat! }         Kill flea! }         Kill car! }         Kill DUCK! } } Now, a dog, reading this poem, wouldn't see a string of words in any } particular order; he'd sense all of it at once, and understand the poem } not as a story, but as an observation of a single moment in time.  This } particular poem is about a day when Husky was stuck inside, and gazed } out the window at the other dogs, watching them play, and remembering a } long-ago day in the park, when he'd taken (and rolled in) a particularly } satisfying dump. } } I'm sorry I can't teach you more about the language, for it's a } fascinating one.  But I hope I've given you a greater respect for the } canine kingdom. } } You owe the Oracle a box of Bonz and a scratch behind the left ear.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Lately, I've been exploring my sense of taste.  Quite capriciously I'll > lick inanimate objects like staplers, cars (non-moving), buildings, cars > (moving), and red things, then make mental notes on their flavor.  So > far, I like yellow stucco the best.  Besides my tongue getting sore and > requiring intermittent rests, are there any potential dangers of this > activity that I've overlooked?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, I think I see the picture, } You're a taster and a licker, } With a tongue that's quick and quicker, } And in length exceeds a mile. } } Of the substances you mention, } There is cause for great contention, } For some are of vast dimension } And some taste far worse than bile } } And some are strange and stranger, } And facial rearrangers, } And I fear your tongue's in danger } And in grave risk of exile } } My intention's no' to grieve you, } nor indeed would I decieve you, } but quite soon your tongue would leave you, } and then woe betide your smile. } } You must somehow soon contain it, } To bind it and to chain it -- } Oh, I fear I can't explain it, } For the song would take a while. } } So I leave you with this warning; } It's for heeding, not for scorning, } That your tongue should keep adorning } The lovely feature of your smile.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Subjective?  You, the USEnET Oracle, are accusing ME of being > subjective???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Guard?" } } <thunk drag shuffle shuffle shuffle> } } "Uh... Yeah, Boss?" } } "Throw this man out of here.  I never saw him before, and he thinks I've } accused him of subjectivity." } } "Titty, Boss?" } } "What?" } } "You said, HE said you accused him something about the subject of a } titty." } } "Never mind that, fool.  Your pitiful mortal mind could never begin to } comrehend the Divine Inspiration behind my every syllabic muttering. } Now take him away." } } "Uh... all right, Boss." } } And it was done, and the Usenet Oracle moved on to interesting questions } for a change.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How can I induce maximum suffering and pain in my graduate students?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You have temporarilly stumped the Oracle.  The only solution left is to } call on Bob Villa, expert: } } Hi, I'm Bob Villa -- thanks Big-O!  Now, today we're going to take a } look at some graduate students who have been hanging around the UofU for } quite some time now.  They're looking pretty worn out and even a little } rotted here and there. } } That's nothing a coat of fresh paint couldn't cure.  First we'll need to } blast away the peeling outer shell <chain saw> ....  BWWWWWWWWWWWWW } WWWWWWWWWWWMMMMMMMM } } "Hey that was my outline!  I need to start over now!  Wahhhhh!  Boo } hoo!" <note the pain and suffering> } } Hey kid, we all need to start over sometime or other but that's OK, I } happen to have This Old Dissertation hanging around that may look at } little dated, but with a new title.......here......and your } name.....here... } } "It's as good as new!" } } } Well, that's all for today.  Next time we'll visit This Old Oracle... } BWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!