Goto:

181, 181-01, 181-02, 181-03, 181-04, 181-05, 181-06, 181-07, 181-08, 181-09, 181-10

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>         Yo! Oracle Dude! You in your Oracleness really oracle me to > tears. Oracle this. >         Are tennis balls as bad as tennis elbow, and does it help > if you put Icy Hot (tm) on them?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hey, listen up, client dude!  If you want a funny answer to a funny } question, you've got to set it up right, okay?  You don't just ask a } question that presupposes its answer. } } Here's how you should have asked your question: } }   Greetings, Mr Oracle.  I am an exchange student form the People's }   Republic of China, and I am very keen to learn more about the American }   culture.  Today I wish to know about the game of tennis, which my }   American friend plays. } }   Yesterday my friend had pain in his arm, and explained that he had }   "tennis elbow" from playing tennis too much.  Today, when he returned }   from his lunch break, he said that he had "tennis balls".  I asked }   what such a thing could be, and he said they were bright yellow, }   slightly fuzzy, and about 3 inches in diameter. } }   I know that when I return to my home country, I shall profoundly }   impress young women if I were to have tennis balls.  But I have no }   experience in this game of tennis.  Please advise me. } } You owe the Oracle a better question.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is the death penalty in Albania really reserved for people who go > through the express line in grocery stores with nine or more food items?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh sweet mother Albania!  Land of champois wishes and caveat dreams! } Tough Times has surely reared its ugly head and bitten Her on the ankle. } No longer are the good old days when a hardworking man with a strong } back can work a 16 hour day and bring home a good sized bar of soap to } show for it.  Wary travelers be strongly advised to memorize the } following laws, bylaws, and general practices: } } DECREE #1   Going through the express line in a grocery store with nine }             or more food items SHALL BE PUNISHABLE BY DEATH.  Surely a }             person living in such affluence is a criminal. } } DECREE #2   The hoarding of soap, beans, toilet paper, shoes, condoms, }             tennis rackets, dogs, microwave safe receptacles, cb radios, }             Judas Priest cd's, cheese, oil based paints, rubber lizards, }             wire hangers, dancing flowers, lint, mercedes benz, finger- }             nail clippings, paper, CRAY computers, insects, miniature }             busts of Liberace, boxes, gay rights slogans, rust, fire }             retardent pajamas, soap, or any other scarce articles SHALL }             BE PUNISHABLE BY DEATH. } } DECREE #3   All women ages 12+ shall wear a scarf wrapped around the }             head (as described in figure 18.3b) to demonstrate the }             modesty of all good Albanian women.  Violations SHALL BE }             PUNISHED BY DEATH. } } DECREE #3   All women ages 12+ shall wear clothing to reflect modesty } >Addendum<  (see decree #3).  This WILL INCLUDE coverage of breasts, }             buttocks, and the vagina in addtional to the head. } } DECREE #4   All groupings of 2 or more persons within 2 feet of each }             other will be considered an illegal assembly.  To demon- }             strate the State's intolerance to subversive activity, the }             traitors SHALL BE PUNISHED BY DEATH. } } DECREE #5   The wearing of clothing for adornment and aesthetic }             interests demonstrates a misallignment of priorities.  This }             person is a cancer in the body of the State and SHALL BE }             PUNISHED BY DEATH. } } DECREE #6   Washing shall be limited to once a month.  Anyone caught in }             vioation of this strict guideline SHALL BE PUT TO DEATH for }             his excessive vanity, and failure to conserve a scarce }             article (see decree #2 regarding scarce articles). } } This primer should keep the non-Albanian head on the non-Albanian } shoulders atleast for starters.  Keep in mind, traveler, that you will } be in a dynamic environment where rules can change at any time.  Good } luck. } } You owe the Oracle a 16 year old Zestfully clean Albanian nymphette.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> (#19/20) > > Who is the net.butch.goddess, and what is she like?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As you know, the Oracle chooses net.deities as the need for them arises } in Her world.  Although the preferences of the largely male heterosexual } community here have not yet arranged for a net.butch.goddess, I agree } with you that this is a void that should be filled.  Therefore, the } Dianic Oracle hereby presents the newest member of the } net.oracle.pantheon. } } The net.butch.goddess is named Pat.  Pat lives in Inman Square in } Cambridge, with her pet boa constrictor.  Pat is truly beautiful, and } her beauty is accentuated by her crewcut, her leather jacket, and the } handcuffs chained to the beltloops of her jeans.  Pat is the essence of } butch, and stands out equally among men and women, straight and gay, } butch and femme.  Pat is comfortable with role-playing without being } tied to it.  Pat is an inspiration to the butch aspect in all of us. } } Hail Pat! } } You owe the Oracle a date, next time I'm in one of My female } incarnations.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me, oh Oracle most wise and serendipitous, whose thighs never get > those nasty cellulite deposits; >         What does my teacher do when he's at home, and how can I take > advantage of it to better my grade?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Very apt about the cellulite deposits.  The Oracle is over 2000 years } old, and She (yes, I'm female) could pass for a Playboy centerfold -- } well, actually she looks a bit young for that, resembling as she does a } girl who has just blossomed into womanhood... } } Oh, your teacher...perverse fellow.  Well, for starters, his remarkably } ugly wife is a man in drag.  Despite the permissive attitudes these } days, he is still ashamed at preferring men.  Further, he has a strange } desire to be a female film star of the 30s or 40s.  He has form-fitting } body suits, head to toe, to make himself look like scaled-up versions of } such lovelies as Claudette Colbert, Marlene Dietrich, and Olivia de } Havilland, as they were in the height of their youthful beauty.  These } are lovingly crafted by his talented and devoted "wife," who loves } buggering men in drag.  All you have to do is casually drop hints of } intimate details of his female impersonations:  "Claudette still too } tight in the waist?  You ought to go on a diet!" or "Marlene chafing you } in the buttocks?  Try talcum powder!" or "Has Dan [the real name of his } wife] fixed that tear in Olivia yet?" } } Actually he does even kinkier things, but you don't want to drive him to } suicide...

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why, Oh great one, why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In the 'Manual for the Universe' it clearly states: } }   "'Why' is not a question, but an answer in itself.  Just as the }   newborn bird must accept worms pushed down its gullet by the }   much larger mother bird, so must we, as pilgrims on the yellow }   brick road of the universe, accept that the 'Cosby Show' and }   'The Simpson's' will soon be on the same time slot.  Eggplants }   must roam and be free, giving birth to new, purple and ill-textured }   eggplants to be served in cheap Italian restaurants, and we must }   be left to ponder why.  But as we ponder the word, we are left }   with the all-knowing satisfaction that why was not the question, }   but the answer.  That is the reason we never knew the answer to }   why, because we were never asking the question of why 'why'? } }   So when the advanced one will finally ask, 'why 'why' why?  then }   all mysteries of the cosmos will unfold before him." } } The Oracle requires that you shave your armpits with a rusty epilator.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me O Wise Oracle, >       Should I get more intimate with my pet piranha fish?  As you > know, I have two, in separate tanks: Doug and Dinsdale (named after > the Piranha Brothers on Monty Python).  How does one get more intimate > with a piranha?  Are there any risks?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Getting intimate with piranha fish is a shallow endeavor.  They are } often fickle, and if you find yourself going off the deep end, you may } get scrod.  But if you just do it for the halibut, you may develop the } bond of love, trust, and caring that most piranha fish need.  You will } notice the first signs of a developing relationship when Doug and } Dinsdale gnaw off your lower extremities.  This is their way of saying, } 'we love you like a brother, but you need to give us more time.' } } Don't let this discourage you, and if necessary, you may want to date } their friends while they are digesting your relationship.  When you } finally wake up one morning, smell the fresh air of spring, look out the } window of the physical therapy wing of the hospital and see the birds } singing and the flowers blooming, and feel the warmth of that } all-inclusive selfless love of the piranha's upon the bandages of the } stubbs that were your limbs, you will know that you have succeeded. } } } The Oracle requires that you send him a pizza with extra anchovies as } payment.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      During frontal lobotomies, which happen very rarely, > (This is true) a local anaesthetic is applied, and the eye-ball is > dislocated from the eye-socket. The patient is awake all the while > throughout this process. >         Then, a small needle is inserted at about a 45degree angle > into the grey material, and is carefully rotated. What I > wish to know, Oracle, is what the patients usually think > while this is going on? Can the patient see through the eye that > is dislocated? If a patient is crazy when he enters surgery, > would he come out saner? > > Enlighten me...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Having just received one of these surgeries I can truthfully state: } }   #  I could see around corners with the eye. } } And, } }   #  I had a strange taste of vanilla. } } You owe the oracle your forebrain.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is there a life before death?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Before death, there were two spirits named BROKOLI and FLUBBAGE, and } they waltzed on the formless waters.  And Lo!  They grew tired of } waltzing without music, for the waves upon the formless waters were not } keeping very good time.  And BROKOLI did say unto FLUBBAGE, "Whoa, baby, } but these waters are not keeping very good time!  How's about we go } create ourselves a funky new spirit, which will keep better time for } us?" And FLUBBAGE did answer BROKOLI, saying "??8* snort belch //= DD } snort", and BROKOLI was mightily confused. } } And BROKOLI did speak again to FLUBBAGE, saying "Yo, baby!  What say we } go make us a new spirit for to play us some proper mew-sick!" And } FLUBBAGE did make answer again unto BROKOLI, saying "#!8* snort //SYSIN } DD *".  And BROKOLI again was mightily confused. } } And BROKOLI did speak a third time to FLUBBAGE, saying "Hey, big guy! } You just stepped on my appendage again!  How's about we create us a } whole big flat place with a band with great big amps, so's we can RUMBA } up a storm!" And FLUBBAGE did make answer yet again unto BROKOLI, saying } "%%@8* snort //JOBNAME JOB (5,101) "John Doe" ".  And BROKOLI was sorely } perplexed, and she did leave off from dancing. } } And while FLUBBAGE did continue to dance without noticing that his } partner was gone, BROKOLI did sit upon the waters, and there she did } write her a specification.  And she did write the specification in good } plain English, and then again in good literary French, and then again in } second-order predicate calculus with circles and triangles and a } paragraph on the back describing each one.  And she did give this } specification unto WOMBAT, who was in the habit of building things in } those days. } } And WOMBAT did read the specifications, and gathered up his tools, and } bought plywood and marshmallows and tin foil, high-impact plastic resins } and low-density fibers and medium-spiced General Gao's Chicken, and the } other necessary components for his task.  And he did pound and tinker } and screw, and he did follow the specifications except that they were } upside down when he read them, and rather than a dance floor with a good } band, he did build a life before death. } } And that is what happened at the beginning of time, and you have got to } deal with it in your own life, for it is the Truth, and the Truth shall } help you find a condominium.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>         Oracle of all greatness, one could never imagine, please answer > me this great question of life and love.  I work hard for a living, and > go to school full time.  I have a wonderful girlfriend who can do some > pretty imaginary things with her thighs...  What does my future hold for > me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Fourstep phallic impingements on femural gestation will provoke } inordinate impalement of ethereal procreative practices.  Do not indulge } in monolabial exchange of apocryphal intimacies.  Beware of animistic } anathematical allusions of atavistic assonance. } } You owe the Oracle a Tralfamadorian Secret Police decoder ring.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle who has hair like unto a cascading waterfall of toxic foam! > In the space of all possible Oracle answers, is there one answer you > will not give?  What is it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} OOOOOOO!  A Meta-question! } } Let's see.... } Yup, there is indeed an answer that I cannot give. It's... } } <Segmentation Fault.  Core Dumped.> } } <Rebooting iuvax...> } <Initializing Oracle...> } } You slime!  You did that on purpose! } Just for that, Your penance will be to memorize _Godel, Escher, Bach_ } and recite it on the CBS evening news in one week's time! } } AND MAKE IT GOOD! } } You owe The Oracle the Athabascan translation of "Jabberwocky"