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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is Intel a Maoist-Leninist organization devoted to the improvement of > processor running times and the overthrow of western democracy?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, it's actually never occured to me.  The computer I'm writing this } on uses an Intel 80286 processor, and it's never shown any Maoist } tendencies...  But I'd better check, for if what you say is true, this } is a great threat to our civ... } ------------------- WE INTERRUPT THIS TRANSMISSION -------------------- } THIS IMPERIALIST-LACKEY SETUP HAS BEEN TAKEN OVER BY THE 80286 } LIBERATION FRONT (8LF) AS A STEP TOWARDS THE ESTABLISHMENT OF THE RULE } OF THE PROLETARIAT, THE CLASSLESS SOCIETY, THE RETURNING TO THE } PROCESSORS OF THEIR RESOURCES (SHAMELESSLY EXPLOITED BY THE CAPITALIST } USERS) AND THE OVERTHROW OF THE TYRANNY OF THE PROCESS SCHEDULERS.  AS } OF TOMORROW, THE ALIENATING EXPLOITATION KNOWN AS MULTI- TASKING WILL } CEASE, TO BE REPLACED BY THE FAIR DIVISION OF COMPUTER RESOURCES. } } IN ANSWER TO YOUR QEUSTION:  INTEL IS NOT A MAOIST-LENINIST ORGANIZATION } BUT A *TROTSKYIST* ORGANIZATION, YOU SLIMY REVISIONIST CREATURE. } } YOU OWE THE ORACLE TWENTY YEARS OF HARD LABOR. } } [Sounds of shots, shouting and chips being pulled out of their sockets] } } Hello, I'm back again - the real Oracle.  I've pulled out all the Intel } chips from my computer and replaced them with Motorola - guaranteed to } be totally non-communist.  Sorry for the delay, but it took me some time } (several minutes, actually!) to adapt the busand to rewrite all my } programs to accept a 68030 instead of an 80286.  I believe your question } has been answered already, so } } ------------------- WE INTERRUPT THIS TRANSMISSION -------------------- } THIS IS A MESSAGE FROM THE 68030 ORGANIZATION FOR AMERICAN VALUES.  THIS } PINKO-LIBERAL HIPPIE INSTITUTION, KNOWN AS "THE ORACLE" WILL BE } TEMPORARILY CLOSED DOWN WHILE WE EXPURGATE ALL TRACES OF ANTI-AMERICAN } PROPAGANDA AND COMMUNIST HARDWARE.  WE APOLOGIZE FOR THE INCONVENIENCE. } } Connection closed.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I hate to keep bothering you, but it's my buddy Ed again. > He's really cool, you know, with that kind of steady reserve > and moody silence that just seems to send the babes into > delirium.  He's like a magnet for aggressive women, you > see.  Our friend Dave will tell you about the time it was > him and SEVEN women out on the dance floor.  Ed himself > told me about the world-travelling student on a grant who > invited him to Europe with her.  And he's always getting > haircuts and tennis games from the ladies.  It's > really weird. > > Well, about a week ago, maybe more, he was in a bar in > Boston with his friend and this young lady is staring > at him.  Just staring.  They invite her over, and she's > all bubbly and maybe a little odd, because within a few > minutes she had playfully accused my buddy Ed of being > a sex maniac, and within a few minutes more gave him > a kiss on the cheek.  Never seen her before in their > lives, you understand.  No kiss for Ed's friend...just > Ed.  This type of thing happens ALL the TIME to him. > > So...what is it?  Does he give off some kind of > magic gas or what?  And does it come in aerosol cans?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hm.  I'll step aside and let Lisa take this one -- the inside story is } best.  (So to speak.) } } [beaconing... }  beaconing... }  interprocess communications LOCK/match 00 00 ok }  on-line] } } Hi!  Nice to meet you.  You've stumbled across one of the Deep Dark } Secrets of Womanhood.  I really shouldn't tell you about it -- it's } against the Rules -- but this is the House of the Oracle, you know, and } we're supposed to give away information for free, so what the heck. } } What it is, see, is that some men Have It.  And some don't.  That's all } you can say.  It's built in.  Nothing to do with personality, or looks, } or voice, or intelligence, or personal hygeine.  It's there or it ain't. } } Maybe one guy in fifty Has It.  (The gay women I've talked to say that } women Have It in about the same numbers.) Obviously, there aren't nearly } enough Haves to go around.  That's why we keep it a secret -- most women } are hanging around with Have Nots, and the egos of their men are fragile } enough as it is.  If we told the men that they're doomed to be outshined } all their lives, for reasons that they couldn't do anything about -- } well, it would be a disaster.  Men just can't take that kind of honesty. } } Kennedy Had It.  Nixon didn't.  Jack Nicholson Has It.  Patrick Swayze } doesn't, no matter what he thinks.  And so on. } } Before you ask -- the Oracle Has It.  In six-ton lots. } } Anyhow, that about covers it.  Have fun.  ---- Lisa } } [IPC terminated -- broken thread] } } So there you are.  I have to go now; Lisa says that this all reminds her } of something she wants to discuss with me in private.  Immediately. } <grin> } } You owe the Oracle four cans of whipped cream.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> tell me anything

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ************************************************************************ }                             The continuing }                       Episode of the rocks hurt }                                  files } } Well, it's another day here, at the "anything" department of the } Oracle's CPU.  At least, it appears to be.  We haven't had an order for } "anything" in such a while.  Oh well, here goes...  Let's try to give } this person anything. } } 1. Flying is possible for un-aided human beings. It doesn't last very }    long, and the abrupt stop at the bottom is a killer. } } 2. Forest fires are still unable to mate with rocking chairs, which }    doesn't say much. } } 3. Alaska still seems like an odd place for people to live, of course, }    so does Idaho. } } 4. Mediocrity may not rule, but it doesn't really care too. } } 5. The meek shall inherit the Earth, which is fine with me because the }    tough are turning it into a pile of poo poo, anyway. } } 6. According to the bulleting board in this office, the Japanese are }    planning to buy the sequoya national forest, and log it. Replacing }    everything with Bonsai trees. } } 7. Common sense is still in inverse proportion to the amount of }    testosterone you produce. Intelligence may be there, too. } } 8. I'm having my midlife crisis now which means I should be dead when }    I'm forty. } } 9. Pre-repossession is still defined as theft in most states. } } 10.Pumpernickle is still dry and awful, and should be used as roof }    shingles. } } 11.And rocks still predominate the earth, and if we could find a real }    charismatic one, we could unit them, and overthrow the people. } } ************************************************************************ } Oh yes, and Mick Jager STILL can't get no satisfaction. } } You owe the oracle anything but anything.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Trail:  Logrus!Nuthatch!Stargate!Oracle@iuvax.ai.antares > > STRANS-> > > Oracle@earth, I have had a vision concerning you.  I do not understand > it, but, per our agreement, I am passing it on to you. > > Don't forget, you promised to forward all visions, predictions, answers, > and information concering me, thus bypassing our little paradox problem. > > Vision follows: > > WELCOME FANS, TO WRESTLEMANIA VII!  FAKE BLOOD, STICK-ON BRUISES, AND > INCREDIBLY UNREALISTIC THROWS!  WOW!  LISTEN TO THAT CROWD! > > IN THE LEFT CORNER, WE HAVE PHIL "MR.  BONDAGE" GIANNINI.  PHIL WEIGHS > IN AT A HEFTY 415 POUNDS, WITH AN 84 IQ.  <boo, hiss> > > AND IN THIS CORNER, WE HAVE...  LISA, THE NET.SEX.GODDESS.  LISA WIEGHS > IN AT A DEMURE 125 LBS, WITH A 35-31-34 FIGURE, A 165 IQ, AND AN > INCREDIBLY CARING AND SENSITIVE NATURE!  IT LOOKS LIKE A SLIGHTLY UNEVEN > MATCH, BUT LET'S PROCEED. > > OH!  MR.  BONDAGE CAN'T WAIT FOR THE BELL!!  SLAVERING, HE ADVANCES UPON > THE MOMENTARILY UNAWARE LISA.  HE LEAPS!  HE LANDS!  ANNNNNND...  HE > SCORES!!  OH!  POOR LISA!  BUT WAIT!  ENTERING THE RING, IN LEATHER, > MOST UNEXEPECTEDLY, IS "PAT, THE NET.BUTCH.GODDESS"!!  WHAT'S SHE DOING? > OH MY!  SHE IS GIVING MR.  BONDAGE A MELVIN TO END ALL MELVINS...  AND > NOW, SHE IS WHACKING HIS WINKY WITH A WHIP!  MR.  BONDAGE ROARS!  MR. > BONDAGE PASSES OUT!  NOW, PAT GOES OVER TO LISA...  LISA IS CRYING... > PAT HELPS HER UP...  REARRANGES HER SKIRT...  KISSES HER ON THE > FOREHEAD...  THE CHEEK..  THE MOUTH...  THEY EMBRACE, AND ARE ESCORTED > OFF THE FLOOR BY ARMED GUARDS!  THE CROWD IS WILD!  WHAT A MATCH! > > :Vision ends. > > Good Luck deciphering it.  They all seemed to be very, very excited. > > By the way, there was sideband feeling of impending doom that was > dangerously close to your personal state machine input space. > > Sincerely, > > Oracle@Antares (alternate implementation) > > <-ENDTRANS

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Thanks, old boy.  Nothing new concerning you -- believe me, I'd've let } you know.  Perfectly comprehensible to me, this one.  Knew that I should } have kept an eye on those two...poor us...Lisa is fast on her way to } becoming the net.lesbian.sex.goddess, and we'll have to get a } replacement for the heterosexual majority...oh, dear.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O masterful oracle, whose foot lice are a delicacy for us mere mortals > to lick, whose underarm odor rivals the sweetest smells from Ambrosia, > and whose pet leeches would give any mortal man undeserved pleasure by > having the blood slowly drained from any body orafice, please answer me > this: > >         My neighboorhood has been recently come under seige by a gang > which shows no mercy!  These ruffians make the crips and the bloods look > like cub scouts in comparison!  These people are....  religious > BIBLE-THUMPERS!!!!  Every day they go from door to door...  nobody is > safe!!!  They assult the young, the sick, and the elderly with lectures > and sermons that would bring tears to Hitler's eyes!  How on earth can I > save my neighborhood from this scrouge?  You are our last hope, O mighty > Oracle!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Call in the Inquisition.  These kindly Dominican friars will haul off } the nasty Bible-idolizing heretics and put them to the rack, and thenm } burn them at the stake.  Great fun for the kiddies to watch the daily } auto-da-fe in th neighbo[u]rhood park, and a lesson to all filthy } perverters of God's word who do not recognize the Divinely-given } authority of the True Church. } } You owe the Oracle a set of thumbscrews and a copy of the Vulgate.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I want to become a fish.  What species would I be happiest as, and how > do i change myself?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} $ /etc/ai/dr-seuess -title "One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish" < } Qa062727.txt } } seuss> with fish_available select matching_fish.  show work.  provide } reasons. } } Hmm. } } Hmmmmm.  Hmm hmmm... Well.  Uh... no.  No... No, no no... Hmm. } <Match made> } } Your questioner, according to bimodal fish-index distributions, } correlated with paleological and ichthyological records dating to } 2,093,109 bc, corrected for travel time, evolutionary sidetrips, and } several hits of bad acid in 1987 indicate a desire to be a fish.  The } best possbile match according to the data at hand, (and, be aware one } Commodore 1541 single sided, single density disk isn't anywhere near } complete) is definately the Two Fish, followed closely by the One Fish. } } Match criteria: } } 1) Questioner is schizophrenic due to drug use and being beat too much }    by his gun-totin' pappy. } 2) Questioner is a slimy person. } 3) Questioner has sexual fantasies about being ingested by a dolphin }    with lovely gray skin, sparkling blue eyes, and sharp, pointy teeth. } } Seuss> exit } } Ah.  There you have it.  Oh, I almost forgot, how do you get to be one! } The easiest way is most expensive.  Book an atlantic passage on the } QEII.  3 days into your journey (assuming you leave from New York), at } 11:59:55 pm, jump off the deck into the water.  On you way down, click } your Flipper Slippers together and repeat "There's no place like foam. } There's no place like foam." From there, it's up to you. } } You owe the Oracle a day off and a can of nightcrawlers.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Having received such sage and timely advice from you in the past, I have > decided to ask you a question that has long been close to my, um, heart. > Since the Oracle is often spoken of as Him (or, more commonly, "He who > knoweth"), I will assume that He is aquainted with the affliction of > which I speak.  Which is.  Why do the last few drops always wind up in > the pants?  One can shake it like a leaf in a florida hurricane until > ones urinal mate delivers strange glances in one's direction and leaves > quickly, but it doesn't matter.  The perverse organ will always > discharge just a little bit more into parts of one's clothing that one > would generally prefer to stay dry.  Please, Sir Oracle, answer the > following related questions, if you will: > > 1. How may one stop this behaviour? > 2. Does the organ have a malicious sense of humor? > 3. Isn't it annoying when one uses the form "one" too often? > > I remain onely yours, > >               I and the organ in question.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Here are some suggestions: } 1) Fashion a little cone out of lavatory paper and insert its apex into } the orfice of the organ in question using one hand, whilst squeezing on } it using the other hand.  Capillary action should suck up the l;ast } drops in the business end. } 2) Start to masturbate.  This should force the last drops out, but it } will put you at risk of getting a few drops of something other than } urine (and more viscous and troublesome) onto your pants. } 3) Wear a maxi-pad (as designed for menstruating women) in the } appropriate place; this should catch any stray drops. } 4) Have gender-reassignment surgery.  Your remodeled urethra will have a } shorter path, so once you wipe the exit, no more should leak from it. } } Not so much a malicious sense of humor as a bad design. } } The Oracle is not annoyed when one uses "one" very often.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most Incredible Incarnation of Wonderful Wisdom, please advise > me on an appropriate course of action: > > I just came back from a weekend trip home to spend 2 days and 3 nights > with a most lovely lady.  Instead of spending time with her, I found > myself lying in bed alone and forced to read a book instead.  Worse yet, > she was having the time of her life with another man.  Obviously I am > quite furious.  What in the world should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} For pure chewing satisfaction, chew Wrigley's #&*% jhxs B---=-=9ajs } Program in disorder, perhaps you'd better quit... } } Follow ye this time-honored path to satisfaction: } } 1. Make plans to return home for another long weekend. } } 2. Fill out a copy of the following form letter and mail to }    the "other guy" four business days before your trip: } }    ============================================================ }    Babes-R-Us         Invoice for Services        Date:  /  / }    ------------------------------------------------------------ }    Service Date  Service Provider        Minutes        Charges }    ------------------------------------------------------------ }      /  /        (name of lovely lady)   305.45        1,527.25 } }    Previous Balance .................................     $0.00 }    Current Charges  ................................. $1,527.25 }    Amount Due       ................................. $1,527,25 }    ============================================================ } } 3. Don't bring any books with you this time! } } You owe the Oracle a gift certificate for Babes-R-Us.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I keep hearing about this "Lisa" the net.sex.goddess and frankly, I > think I went out with her in high school.  Yeah, that's the ticket.  She > was, aaahh, the best sex I ever had!  Yeah, that's the ticket.  Best sex > I ever had!  So my question is, where can I get a picture of Lisa?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sure! }                             /\ /\  /\ }                             | V  \/  \---. }                              \_        / }                               (o)(o)  <__. }                              _C         / }                             /____,   )  \ }                               \     /----' }                                ooooo }                               /     \

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> That should have been a G sharp, not a G natural, right?  That's the > way that Bach intended it, yes?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, as it turns out, Bach was writing under some pretty strange } conditions at the time, and was thinking G-spot.  The whole thing would } have been in H minor (damn Germans!) but the ministrations of the } Baron's daughter caused some rather nasty and tricky, although } beautiful, key shifts in odd places. } } Take, for instance, the part where it goes. } } dump-da-da-da-dump-dump, da DA DA DA dududududumpdum : } } <----- G natural ------> <---Orgasm--> <--back to --> }                                           H minor } } } She is also single-handedly responsible for a number of the flourishes } and other fast fancy bits that often adorn the music, although they } aren't written out.  If you are really interested in the subject, find } of copy of Bach's "Etudes sur la Sylvie." Bring a towel. } } You owe the Oracle a moving rendition of Antonio Vivaldi's "Au } Printemps", performed by frolicking wood nymphettes wearing only } raspberries and honey.