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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> why?              why?   why?    why?      why?why?        why?why? >  why?            why?    why?    why?    why?    why?    why?    why? >   why?          why?     why?why?why?   why?      why?           why? >    why?  why?  why?      why?why?why?   why?      why?          why? >     why? why? why?       why?    why?    why?    why? >      why?    why?        why?    why?      why?why?           why? >                                                               why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} BecauseBecause       BecauseBecause     BecauseBecauseBecause } BecauseBecauseBecauseBecauseBecause     Because } Because       Because       Because     BecauseBecause } Because                     Because     Because } Because                     Because     Because } Because                     Because     BecauseBecauseBecause

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> So why won't she love me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is not for me to answer.  You must ask her yourself.  Either do } so, or give her the following note, or both. } } As payment, you owe the Oracle your utter honesty and forthrightness } towards this woman in this matter. } } } Dear Lady, } } I am the Usenet Oracle.  I give answers to those who ask for } guidance.  My answers may be simple or complex, or direct or vague, } because I am not of one mind, but of many. } } In this instance, the bearer of this note has asked me a question } concerning you.  My answer to him includes this note to you. } } This creature bears you some affection, as you may have gathered.  He } may not be showing it well, or he may be young, or he may be unsure. } These things alone are not enough that you should completely dismiss } him, if indeed you have. } } If he is willing to tell you, directly and honestly, how he feels } (and delivery of this note to you is some indication of that) I ask } that you also embrace honesty and tell him how you feel about him. } } I can do no more than to open the doors of communication and } encourage you both to step through them. } } Remember that life is short, and love is worth the trouble. } }    Sincerely, } }    The Usenet Oracle

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise and all-knowing Oracle. >         This cute little blonde girl has asked me out!  She's a bit > silly and has some truly weird opinions, but she's adorable and > cuddlesome, and it's my first date in a year.  So what should I do on > this date -- what sort of place should we go to for dinner, should I try > to lure her up to my apartment on the first date, how far should I try > to go with her (she really is adorable and has tidy, firm little breasts > and a cute, compact little body)?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle's Sure-fire Super First Date Schedule: } } 7:00 PM  --  Take the woman to Plasma Alliance.  There they will give }              you $15.00 for only one pint of plasma.  Plus, you will }              get free orange juice and cookies.  For extra excitement, }              donate a  pint of blood each. } } 7:45 PM  --  Smitty's Groceries.  Smitty always has lots of free sample }              platters around the deli.  Remember -- 8 is the polite }              limit per person from each plate. } } 8:15 PM  --  BOWLING!  Nothing says romance more than sharing a pair of }              red-and-black bowling shoes! } } 9:00 PM  --  Take Hwy 45 east to Emmitsville until you reach county road }              835.  Two miles down the road, past the one-lane bridge, is }              a cleared off hill.  Drive to the top of the hill.  If you }              take turns standing on top of the car on each other's }              shoulders, you can see the movie at the Emmitsville drive- }              in.  Don't forget your binoculars. } } 11:00 PM --  OK, now the date moves into full gear.  Drive the sweet }              young thing back to your apartment.  Get out your high }              school  yearbooks and show her all the pictures of people }              that you thought were so dorky back then. } } 12:00 midnight -- While wowing her with your extensive knowledge of dog }                   shampoos, try to cop a feel of those magnificent }                   breasts. } } 12:01 AM  -- Rub face vigorously after she slaps you. } } 12:05 AM  -- As you listen to her drive off in her car, slink sullenly }              back to your room and masturabte compulsively until you }              fall asleep. } } You owe the Oracle two aspirin.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have invented a new drink: espresso with an ounce of Everclear (190- > proof grain alcohol).  Can you, O Oracle, suggest an appropriate name > for this beverage?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} TOP TEN NAMES FOR THE ESPRESSO-EVERCLEAR DRINK, OR BARBARA BUSH'S PET } NAMES FOR THE PRESIDENT: (from the home office on Altair 12) } } 10: Dragonpiss } 09: Smelly-little-thing } 08: The Dripping Wound } 07: Contact Poison } 06: Hunka-hunka-burnin'-love } 05: Toxic Waste } 04: The Root of All Headaches } 03: Paint Peeler } 02: Put it in your mouth and die! } } AND THE NUMBER ONE NAME FOR THE ESPRESSO-EVERCLEAR DRINK, OR BARBARA } BUSH'S PET NAME FOR THE PRESIDENT: } } 01: LOVE POTION NUMBER 9 } } You owe the Oracle one espresso machine made from human bones.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What exactly is a Spring-Loaded Death Vagina?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ahh, the Spring Loaded Death Vagina.  Glad you asked, as I have a } woking model right here. } } Note that once the male places his } } SNAP! } } Erk...elp....ackkhhhh..... } } THUD } } You owe the Oracle a new Oracle

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do cartoon characters like Bugs Bunny, Woody Woodpecker, etc. > disguise themselves as women in order to get the better of their > adversaries?  Are they all transvestite perverts?  Did the people > who made the cartoons like to cross-dress or something?  Sounds > pretty disgusting to me.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It ought to be pretty self-evident that most major cartoon characters } actually reveal quite a bit of sexual ambiguity.  As Nordhoffen } says in his "Psychosexualitie Der Kartoonz", }   "The chaotic inner state of the sexual selves of cartoon }    characters is readily revealed by their names.  Consider }    *Bugs* Bunny or Woody Wood*pecker*.  Betty *Boop*, "Tweety" }    Bird, Road Runner (an obvious play from "street walker"), }    all express a sexual confusion drawn from both 20th Century }    American culture and from the minds of the animators themselves. }    Walt Disney was a poof." } } You owe the Oracle an 8mm copy of "Felix The Cat"

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How often is it that people end their questions to you with the phrase > "Inquiring minds want to know?"  Do you dislike this practice?  Do you > yourself read supermarket tabloids?  Are you currently having a secret > love affair with Liz Tailor? > > Inquiring minds want to know.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, I don't mind this at all.  What I hate are the stupid } headlines that get printed about me.  Here's a representative sampling: } } ORACLE BABY CRIES "SATAN DADDY!  SATAN DADDY!" } } ORACLE'S AMAZING NEW TOFU AND BURLAP DIET!  LOSE 6 TONS IN LESS THAN AN } EPOCH! } } MICHAEL JACKSON SHOCKER:  I WAS THE ORACLE'S LOVE SLAVE! } } HORRID AFTER-EFFECTS OF LIPO-SUCTION:  ORACLE IS GROWING BREASTS!!! } } ORACLE SUICIDE SCARE:  FRIENDS SAY IT IS DEPRESSED OVER LISA'S DEPARTURE } } ORACLE FASHION TIPS:  LOTS OF LEATHER AND SANDPAPER } } See what I mean.  I suppose this is the price of fame. } } You owe the Oracle five nude pictures of Liz Taylor.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Huh? What's going on?    -more- } } } you feel less confused now   -more- } } } the Oracle scores an excellent hit on you

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hi what would be a good name to call my child.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle must confess that It is a wee bit baffled by your message. } Since it ends with a period, it ought to be a statement, saying that } you think 'What' would be a good name to call your child. In that case, } the Oracle disagrees strongly: 'What' is *not* a good name for a child. } Just imagine the scene if someone asks him/her his/her name: } } Q: What's your name? } A: What. } Q: (louder) What's your name? } A: What! } Q: (shouts) WHAT'S YOUR NAME!!! } A: You don't have to shout, I'm not deaf! I've told you: What's my name! } Q: What??? } A: WHAT'S MY NAME!!! } Q: Why are you asking me? Don't you know your own name??? } A: No, you don't understand, I'm actually *called* What! } Q: (incredulous) What??? } A: I SAID, I'M ACTUALLY CALLED WHAT! } Q: Don't shout at me! } } and so on, ad nauseam. } } On the other hand, the Oracle sees the possibility taht you may actually } have meant your message to be a question, but forgot to put a } questionmark at the end. In that case, the Oracle's response is: } } A very good name for your child would be Orrie (you Americans are so } practical, the same name can make do for both a boy and a girl), after } the Oracle of course, whose intimates (Lisa, Lena, Barbara, Zeus and the } rest of that crowd) at occasions have been known to address It by this } name. } } You owe the Oracle a box of assorted punctuation signs.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, my Oracle, > > Should I write her the letter?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Listen, YOU have to take responsibility for this decision, not me.  I'm } liable to get my god-like butt sued off despite my standard disclaimer. } I'll just tell you what the consequences of each possible choice are, } and you can make the final decision.  Okay?  Here goes... } } If you DON'T write her the letter, everything will remain the same, } except that a small, brown dog in Albequerque, New Mexico will be struck } and killed by a pickup truck on a dusty, deserted road. } } If you DO write her the letter, she'll be a little bit surprised at } first, and won't really respond right away.  But eventually, } misunderstandings about your intentions and seemingly cavalier attitude } will anger her.  The anger will build over the course of several weeks } until she is on the verge of collapse and begins to come down with } pneumonia from walking alone in the rain.  Driven by her deteriorated } physical and mental state, she begins to blame you for all of her } problems and begins to seek a means of revenge.  And she'll find her } revenge, by seeking relief in the arms of New York real-estate mogul } Donald Trump.  You'll commit suicide after seeing her on the front cover } of the Weekly World News.  She'll live a sickening life of caviar and } faked orgasms, running from the world and herself by jetting from party } to party.  But this won't last.  After several hedonistic months, Trump } will fall victim to his own excesses and his little empire will } collapse.  Together, the sordid duo will escape into the wilds of the } Southwest by concealing their identities.  Eventually, the Donald will } be killed by a roaming biker with a sweet tooth for disaster, leaving } her an empty shell, roaming the highways in search of drugs, booze, free } rides, and cheap sex.  One day she'll whistle a small, brown dog away } from the side of a dusty, deserted road, just as an old pickup truck } speeds by.  The dog will bite her on the leg, and she'll die from } infection. } } Well, if you want my opinion, you don't really want to be responsible } for the death of that dog, so you'd better write her the letter. } } You owe the Oracle drugs, booze, free rides, and cheap sex.