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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>     O magnetic and deeply undulating Oracle, > >     I am an observer of life, and among other intriguing things, have > been forever fascinated by the impressive maneuver by which a window > washer may scrape a window clean of applied water or washing fluid with > a supple, singular curving motion of the hand holding the squeegee. > >     Oracle, please tell me what the name of this maneuver is and what > mountain I must climb and what guru I must seek to learn this motion of > window washing beauty and grace!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Just a sec, need to check the Big Book of Gurus... } } [flip flip flip] } } Ahhh, page 4079, Window Washing Gurus.... } } MASTER:  Whin Dex, Master of the rubber edge. } PLACE:   Mount BugFree, Malaysia } MOST SECRET MOVE:  The Cleaning Serpent, in which the squeegee is }                    manipulated with wrist movements that are developed }                    over long and tortuous training sessions. } PAIN FACTOR: You'd rather eat razor blades. } } There you go.  Info (for once) exactly as you asked.  You owe the Oracle } a clean windshield.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, oracle, spawn a shell, > Which processes run in hell? > Oracle, oracle, ego and id, > Where are those processes hid?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ORACLE> telnet asmodeus.hq.hell.org } } login: visitor } } WELCOME TO HELL: } } BURN, BABY, BURN> ps } }   PID TT   STAT  TIME COMMAND } 666   p6   I     0:00 /bin/torture -souls -sinners } 666   p6   I     0:00 /bin/wreak_havoc < mortals } 666   p6   I     0:00 /etc/brimstone } } YER GONNA BURN!>  write satan@devil.hell.org } Hey you big dope, where are all the other processes hidden? } ^C } } BURN, BURN, BURN> } } message from satan@devil.hell.org } } Ninth level.  Now get the heaven outta here, you pest! } EOF } } UNIMAGINABLE TORTURE> logout } } SEE YA' IN HELL SUCKER!! } } connection closed } } ORACLE> oracle -restart -answer_in_progess } } Well, there you go.  Don't ask me to do that again -- the long-distance } charges are a real bitch. } } You owe the Oracle a great big French kiss.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>     Oh wise and anti-Pez(tm)-like Oracle, > >     I have discovered that the letters of THE ORACLE can be re-arranged > to form a number of phrases, some of which disturb me as to the nature > of The Oracle. I am concerned that these phrases, since they are mere > letter re-arrangements, may represent hidden meanings or motives behind > The Oracle's actions: > > THE ORACLE: > ----------- > Oh, Treacle. > Hot Cereal. > Creole Hat. > Oat Lecher. > Rectal Hoe. > Erect Halo. > Ether Cola. > > Please address this so my shameful Oracle doubts can be laid to rest.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your concern is valid, but can be easily explained. } } I am not "The Oracle", but rather "The Usenet Oracle".  This has a } completely different set of re-arrangements, none more sinister than } "use the net Oracle." (which, being a trivial anagram, is much more } likely to be true.) All other arrangements are nonsensical. } } So, you see what happens if you use a false Oracle.  You must be very } careful to use only the Usenet Oracle.  Accept no imitations. } } You owe the Usenet Oracle the head of the Oracle (the imitation one, } that is.) The Usenet Oracle is hungry, and some hot cereal would be good } right now.  (Rest assured the Usenet Oracle will safely dispose of the } rectal hoe, the erect halo, and the rest in a safe place.)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> could I have that last answer again. In english this time?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sigh... Ok, but it loses a lot of it's power and feeling. } } The answer to your question, "What is the basic rap song template used } by >90% of all hip-hop artists?" is: } } Hello!  I'm <whoever>.  I'm black.  I'm really black. } I have a lot of money, and girls like me because of it. } Sometime I act in a violent, anti-social fashion, but } soceity just doesn't understand me.  I'm black. } I'm the greatest person on the planet.  I have large } sums of wealth.  I <do/don't do> drugs, and you should do } the same. } } <3 sexual exploits or violent anecdotes> } } I'm <whoever>, and I'm extremely full of myself. } } "Sucker MCs should call me sire." } } I'm <whoever>.  Everyone dance. } } Word. } } } The Oracle has gotten down.  Word!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the real reason the chicken crossed the road?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No chicken ever crossed the road. That story started out as a bit of } Nazi propaganda, regarding goals and the futility of individualism. } The bit finished: "But the chicken was unhappy, for there were no } other chickens on this side of the road. She was terribly lonely, } and repented ever considering crossing the road. The solution to } her dilemma was obvious: To return to the original side of the road. } She was resolved, and strode ardently into the path of a Mercedes, } thus ending her life. } } "Moral: Do what everybody else does." } } Over time, this bit of obscene propaganda mutated into the children's } riddle it is today in America. } } Glad to set the record straight on that one. } } You owe the Oracle three virgin maidens, all between 16 and 19.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, who seems unable to make up its mind about Laura Lynn Hamren, > > If you fall asleep on your arm enough times, will it wither away and > fall off?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear peon: } } This is a form letter to let you know that you have asked a really hosed } question.  The reason your question is really hosed is: } }   ( ) It's the woodchuck question }   ( ) It presupposes its own answer }   (x) It's answerable by only "yes" or "no", leaving no room for }       creative meanderings that are the trademark of the Oracle }   ( ) Your question was insufficiently vague }   ( ) You asked the Null Question }   ( ) You forgot your obligatory opening 'omage to the Oracle }   ( ) Your face is ugly } } } This form letter is an attempt by our new holding company, The } Children's Clairvoyant Workshop, to increase throughput by not spending } valuable time on worthless questions such as your own.  If you are } unhappy with this new policy, please feel free to take this letter and } place it deep within your digestive tract from the wrong end. } }                                       Sincerely, } }                                       Laura Lynn Hamren for }                                       The Usenet Oracle } } (Usenet Oracle here...  I had to sneak in, fish this email out of the } /spool slice, and scribble on someone's dropfile to add this -- no, your } arm won't fall off unless you a) have leprosy, or b) put a really tight } tourniquet on it for more than 5 hours.  Also, I'm going to have to get } rid of this new policy, and maybe the holding company too, as it really } cramps my style. } } Ps:  You owe the Oracle five dozen OJ*)(JIOPp89 JOMNI:@ P(*jhO:NLJKD } WB(*@*UIO: HSH&*( IUNC&*( } .3,.m*)(S/,.3m... }     switch (index) { }       case TELLME : foist_question_off(q_addr, q_id, &a_addr); }                     update_questioner(q_addr); }                     update_queue(q_addr, q_id); }                     break; }       case HOSED :  send_form_letter(q_addr); }                     delete_question(q_addr); }                     hosed_count++; }                     break; }         case ASKME :  get_quest(&q_id); }                     foist_qu089JLk 2lm./,N#@mln<M>N mn@<>M#N,mN@# } @KJH#kmln @#KJN89@NKJ#@ }  kml } >?ASD. } . } } Hay!  This is me!  Shit! } . } .KA } ^Z } <EOF>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why are so many female tennis players lesbians? (Navratilova, > Billie Jean King, etc.)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They get enough of fuzzy balls at work, so they don't need them in their } love lives.  (The Oracle thinks maybe he made a pun there, but he doubts } it greatly.) } } You owe the Oracle an account of your first sexual experience.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hail Oracle, your butt hairs are like the weeds in a mountain stream in > july. > Two weeks ago, when logging in, the computer asked me this profound > question:  'What color has a chameleon on a mirror'.  Since then I can't > sleep, eat, drink or get anything like an erection anymore.  So please > tell me:  What color is a chameleon on a mirror???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Since you did not properly grovel, yea, you even dared to be rude to the } Oracle, instead of answering your question the Oracle shall punish you. } } Does the set of all sets that do not include themselves include itself? } } You owe the Oracle the answer to Russell's Paradox

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I heard that God was getting a job in Seattle, flipping burgers or > something like that.  What's the real story?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle recognizes the widespread concern mortals have with the } whereabouts of God.  Therefore, for the benefit of those who have been } wondering what He's been up to, the Oracle is pleased to share a few } recent pages of God's diary with anyone who may be interested. } } July 30 }   Dear Diary, }        What a day!  After helping all those evangelists heal people by }   television, I had to provoke more unrest between Israel and Palestine, }   go to a half a million weddings, and watch I don't know how many }   families full of fat slobs ask me to bless the Spam they were about }   to eat.  I hate this job. } } July 31 }   Dear Diary, }       Work is still a drag.  Every day, it's "Keep George Healthy," and }   "Let me win the lottery," and "Let me get lucky tonight."  If I hear }   the Lord's Prayer just ONE MORE TIME, I'm gonna puke.  Mortals.  They }   can all drop dead for all I care. }       Before I forget, I gotta kill these people next week... } <List was too long to include.. don't worry, you're probably not on it.> } } August 1 }   Dear Diary, }        That's it!  I've had it!  I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to }   take it any more!! I never should have volunteered for this lousy job. }   Well, the world can take care of itself now.  I QUIT!!!! Burger King, }   here I come!!! } } August 3 }   Dear Diary, }        Well it looks like I'm back on the job.  Hell if I'm gonna let }   Jesse Jackson take over up here! } } You owe the Oracle a Whopper with cheese, everything, hold the onions.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>     Oh, most wise and rectal Oracle, > >     I am plagued with a question -- an argument within my people has > surfaced regarding the product name of the gum, so popular in years past > (perhaps 10 to 15), that had diagonal stripes in it.  The women of our > modest village are somewhat convinced of the name "Fruit Stripes", and > the men cannot remember the name but do not feel that "Fruit Stripes" is > correct.  Please bestow upon us the correct name, for which we will > provide whatever payment you request.  Your advance payment of a baby > goat sacrifice has already been made; you will find it in the usual > place.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No! No! Horrors! } You have come across the one question that the Oracle does not know the } answer to! } } Superman had Kryptonite.  Green Lantern had yellow.  The Republicans } have the deficit.  And the Oracle has gum. } } It was written in the original contract, you see.  I'm a deity, but I } worked my way up through the ranks.  Mortal, saint (never mind by whose } standards), angel, archangel, and finally omniscience.  But I had to } sign for it.  And God is such a witty bastard, isn't he?  Check your } religious histories.  He'll give you what you want, but he makes you } sign a contract.  (Yes, yes, I know.  It's the Enemy that's always } described as making bargains.  Think about that for a while....) } } So what I agreed to was that I would be immortal and omniscient, until } the day someone asked me about chewing gum.  This was six thousand years } ago, mind you, and chewing gum hadn't been invented yet.  I thought it } was a sure bet that it never would be -- who would chew something with } no nutritive value, that you couldn't even swallow?  So I signed. }   And omniscience descended upon me, and I knew how stupid people really } were, and I knew how popular the damn stuff would be in six millenia. } (Chewing gum, I mean, not stupidity.  Well, both, really.) } } So here I am.  I don't know the answer, and at sundown (the end of the } day), I revert to mortal.  Lisa will dump me, my palace will fall apart, } I will START to DIE!  **DAMN YOU***!!!*** You will pay for this!  In my } last hours, I will visit such curses upon you as the world has never } seen!  Houses will crumble at your touch!  Your beer will be warm and } your women cold!  Sam Kinison will move in with you!  You will be } deported to an obscure African country in which Ronald Reagan is } President for Life!  When your mother comes to visit you, her luggage } will arrive but she will accidentally be shipped to Hong Kong!  Your } ears will be declared obscene by Jesse Helms!!!! } } And...  well, anyhow.  April Fool.  It was called Fruit Stripe gum } (singular, not plural.) } } You owe the Oracle some Goat A-1 Sauce.