Goto:

188, 188-01, 188-02, 188-03, 188-04, 188-05, 188-06, 188-07, 188-08, 188-09, 188-10

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, who eats his Wheaties, > > Major Nelson has April; Scott has Captain Picard; Arn has Aunt Bea. > > And I got the bill for all this.  What's going on here?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Mortals really are sick sometimes.  As I was saying to Lisa, the } net.sex.goddess the other day... } } <wavy lines fade to a scene with the Well Endowed Oracle eating } a bowl of Wheaties across the table from the Incredibly Sexy Lisa, } Whose Televison Tastes are Atrocious, both wearing very little> } } "Lisa", I said, "Mortals are really sick.  Why I bet they are } peeping in on us right now!" } } "Oh, I dunno," purred the goddess, "I think they can be kinda fun when } they meow" and threw a piece of meat to one of her many newly } tranformed pets.  The cat runs to the meat, looks at the viewer, } looking strangely familiar.  Lisa laughs evilly. } } <wavy lines restore the scene> } } As to the Sextet you mentioned, you should be glad to pay for it, } at least you're not one of Lisa's cats...yet... } } You owe the Oracle a Life Insurance Policy

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is it true that God is not dead, that the truth is he was busted?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is quite correct.  The trial is still going on.  There are several } damning pieces of evidence: } } * Since God created everything, He is directly responsible for all drug } production on the planet.  This amounts to 184,552,600 counts of selling } illegal substances, and (since God owns everything too) 8,225,792,700 } counts of possession. } } * Recent discoveries of police records from the 1st century indicate } that the famous speech "Eat of this bread, it is my body; drink of this } wine, it is my blood" was in fact continued "Smoke of this joint, it is } my breath," but that this phrase was deleted for reasons of public } image. } } * The visible nature of the Universe implies that the Creator must have } been on -something- at the time. } } According to defense attorneys, God plans to claim that: } } A:  Since He is omnipresent, He was clearly somewhere else at the time; } B:  Since He invented all laws, both natural and legal, He cannot be }     prosecuted under them; C:  Even if He is convicted, nobody can do }     anything to punish Him anyway. } } The jury is expected to get a good giggle out of the whole thing. } } You owe the Oracle a Ramadan-a bing bhang.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How do I break to my parents the news that my SO and I have been having > wild, passionate sex for many months now while away at college?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The simplest way is to inform the IRS.  They will perform an inquest } into your family, aided buy the FBI.  Because the FBI are there, the } Police will want to be in on it too.  This makes the Fire Department } feel left out so they pop in for a visit, too.  The sight of all these } people will make the aliens (yes, there are aliens) annoyed and they } will land in your parents' back yard and burst into the house, yelling } "Your spawn has been having wild, passionate sex with his SO, for many } months now.  Gleep" }    Then your parents will know.  Whatever you do, do NOT tell them to } their faces.  trust me on this one. } } You owe the oracle a photo of the aliens' ship.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and wise Oracle, whose wisdom can even defeat the DEA goons, > whose wittiness can even make a SS (Secret Service) man smile, please > enlighten me: > > Has the gov't censored or stopped all political discussion on netnews?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah yes, a very good question indeed.  To put it as briefly as possible, } govt's c/\co/\sh/\ of political discussions on th/\net does occur and s/ } no/\be /  \/  \/  \!!/\This sho/\ just what moro/  \e the pe/\le are d/ } w/  \_/            \/  \reaucr/  \ dorks should/    \ocked /  \urther/ } /                       \ssho/    \Bus/\is a/\/      \Let'/    \/\in/ }                          \/\/      \_/  \fr/          \un/        \/ }                                          \/            \/

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, whose creative juices flow like spring runoff from the > cascade mountains, filling the belly of many a starving child: > > How would one cleverly use the term "existential epitaxy" in a poem > about frisky fishsticks?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracle: "Menial underling, your question is a lengthy and deep one. Due }       to the nature of "existential epitaxy", you will need to..." } } Door: <knock> } } Oracle: <sigh> "DAMN. Always when I'm working. Yes?" } } Door: <opens> } } George Bush: "Uh... excuse me, Oh great Oracle... got a sec?" } } Oracle: <sigh> "I suppose so. What's up, George?" } } George: "Well, do you think I've been... uh... `dissing' the, um, urban }       voters?" } } Oracle: "`Dissing'? Are you using an urban term, George? The African- }       American slang synonym for `disrespecting'?" } } George: <smiling> "Well, I thought it might make me a little more }       accepted in the urban... er, I thought it might make me a }       `brother'." } } Oracle: "A `brother'? George, that's impossible. You haven't suffered }       the outrageous slings and arrows of outrageous hiring practices. }       In other words, you haven't had the `black experience'." } } George: "No, I have! I went to a black chur... er, Baptist house of }       worship today and I saw the, uh, black light! Watch, I'll }       breakdance!" } } Floor: <Why is this pitiful white fool having an epileptic fit on me?> } } Oracle: "George, that's completely out of style. Go in the city, lounge }       around on the street for a while, drink some beer, leave your }       American Express Stronium card at home. You may come back when }       you can recite all the lyrics to _Fear of a Black Planet_." } } George: "But Oracle! I can do the Wild Thing! Watch!" } } Oracle: "CAN IT, George. GO." } } George: "um... Thank you, master." } } Door: <boy, am I glad he's gone> } } Oracle: "Let's see... where was I? Oh, yeah -- the answer to your }       question is YES."

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, upon whom so much original praise has been heaped, and > most deservedly, that there is no more to heap with, save this > Oracle-praising self-referential sentence: > > I asked you how one would use the term "existential epitaxy" in a poem > about frisky fishsticks recently.  Your answer, although humorous, was > neither a poem, nor had it anything to do with existential epitaxy. > Could it be that I have stumped you?  Could it be that no incarnation of > the Oracle knows the true meaning of existential epitaxy and its > relation to frisky fishsticks?  Oh, prove my doubts wrong, much-praised > Oracle.  Pen me my epitaxy poem. > > May the chaotic systems controlling the net not force you into the body > of a clueless freshman only now discovering the joys of Pascal.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Damn!  The Oracle has been forced into the body of a clueless freshman } only now discovering the joys of Pascal.  And a female one at that.  Let } me get a mirror out of my purse...wow!  What a face!  These breasts have } a nice heft to them.  You know, once you're in the body of a woman, } having a female brain makes it seem all normal.  I like it in here!  I } think I'll stay. } } Oh, all right about the poem.  I'm almost as pretty as Lisa.  Excuse me } while I give the lab TA a hard-on...ah, that was fun.  He's even writing } the Pascal program for me! } } Oh, never can a fishstick truly be } A fishstick of the true fishstickery } Unless, through craft, the fishstick doth acquire } A coat to raise it to a state that's higher. } } A fishstick must be dipped in egg and crumbs } Or in a thickish batter.  It becomes } No more the merest slab of fishy meat } But fit to frisk in oil of greatest heat. } } Thus, coating fishsticks is, as you can see } Most truly existential expitaxy. } For were the batter-layer not to grow } We would not have the fishsticks that we know. } } Not bad, huh?  Especially when you consider that I'm now called Tiffany, } I've got an IQ of only 110 in this body, and I'm a nymphomaniac.  Wanna } fuck?  This body has just had its crotch shaved, too -- silky soft as I } stick my little hand down the front of these tight jeans.  Gosh, i's } --uh, it's -- hard to keep my mind off sex.  No wonder I can't handle } this Pascal thing.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, Oracle, you wonderful blob of silicon, give me the answer I seek. > In the church of the subgenius, I'm trying to outwit "Bob" and steal > all the slack I can.  What ways do you suggest I try to obtain slack. > Also, if you know "Bob"'s email address, let me know so I can eKill him.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  Shut up, Pink Boy!  (or kill me) } }  Slack cannot be Obtained.  Slack must be Possessed. } }  The best way to Obtain Slack is to start your own Church, like } Scientology.  (or start a splinter clench, which is almost as good.) } Give your Church an incredibly Slackful image, and convince lots of } bright young folk that they will be very hip, get laid, etc.  if they } attend ALL Church meetings, participate in humiliating rituals, } proselytize like mad, and so forth.  Note the basic concept here -- you } make it LOOK as if YOU'RE giving Slack to THEM.  The Bait being taken, } you Switch (without them noticing, they're so Pink) to making THEM do } all sorts of piteously stupid things for YOU -- hence you've TAKEN their } Slack. }  Note that you can collect Slack until you're blue in the face, but it } won't do you any good unless you still have it on X-Day -- and you must } then give all of it to the Space Bankers, in return for valuable prizes. }  Stay AWAY from the Yacatisma (not to be confused with Yacatizma), } they're coming soon and the Oracular Luck-Plane Sensors figure that } they're coming sooner than you think. } }  You're really DUMB if you think you can eKill "Bob".  I'd really like } to see the eBackLash when you try, though, so here are the primary } addresses: } } bobdobbs@church_of_the_subgenius.edu } bobdobbs@subgenius_foundation.com } bobdobbs@laser_project.mil } bobdobbs@stark_fist.gov } }  The Oracle has been unbecomingly lucid.  You owe the Oracle ten copies } of The Book of the SubGenius, and all the DEVO albums.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise and brilliant and superbly well-informed Oracle, >       Please write me a sonnet about my girlfriend.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I've gotten so many sonnet requests, I've had my Oracular staff work on } a sonnet-generation program.  Let's see how it goes... } } iuvax% form-poetry } } Format? ABABCDCDEFEFGG } Subject? girlfriend } Tone-Words? Lust, Sex, Bodily Admiration, Seduction } Language? Late 20th Century American English, Sonnet Dialect } } Searching association base... } } O girlfriend! @lust @grope @urge @bigboobs @A-rhyme } and silky soft your naked shoulder, } @grab @lowerback @caress @hump @curve @A-rhyme } Brings tears to the eyes of this beholder. } O girlfriend! of the softest thigh, } Whose shapely legs are without end, } As the moon ascends into the sky, } My mind your rosy-red lips will bend. } O girlfriend! Sit your pert bottom in my lap, } Nibble with abandon upon my ear, } Your deepest fantasies I will tap, } @scream @orgasmically @will @hump @F-rhyme } O girlfriend! Come to me tonight, } We will enjoy Love's carnal delight. } } Hmm... it seems to have the right idea, but some of the '@' terms aren't } being translated to the native language...  I guess the program isn't } done yet. } } The Oracle suggests you plagiarize some Shakespeare.  Just change a few } words and it will have the same effect as an original sonnet (if not } better). } } You owe the Oracle pictures of your girlfriend, nude.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I read a lot of newsgroups.  There are a whole bunch of women on the net > who I wanna fuck, but most of them don't even bother to respond to my > mail.  Some of them are so sexy-sounding, but the good ones all seem to > be hooked up with boyfriends and already fucking them like bunnies, so > there really isn't much of a chance for me, is there?  That, or they're > fat fortyish women in Silicon Valley who are into bondage -- not for me. > > How can I have sex with some of the sexier young women on the net?  I > mean, just a meaningless sexual relationship.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Beware, Mortal!  For there is no such thing as a meaningless sexual } relation!  Nay, not at all and not in the slightest!  For all sexual } relations have a meaning, and that meaning is "Squid!" Yea, verily, for } squid is the meaning of all sexuality, and all sexuality is for to mean } squid!  In Italy they have calimare instead, but that is mere fiddling } and waffling! } } But onwards to the reality. }   78% of the net.women are actually physically male. }   45% of the net.women are actually biologically male. }   53% of the net.women are psychosomatically male. }   61% of the net.women are co-equivalently male. }   31% of the net.women are merotropically male. }   16% of the net.women are hermanutically male. }    8% of the net.women are squid already and will therefore reject any }       further sexual relations. }   91% of the net.women have better taste } } [Not all the above are true.  Pick three.  Send your choices to me in an } eelskin envelope with 500 points of light, and wait for a squid by } return mail.  Physically mail, that is.] } } You are advised to have sex with one of the sexier young net.men.  Many } net.men are physically, chromatically, isotopically, paradigmatically, } covalently, anorexically, or droopily women.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Mighty Oracle Who Gives Careful Thought and Consideration to My > Question, > >  I've noticed a strange decline in the quality of Oracular responses of > late.  It seems as if, to this humble supplicant's eye, you don't really > have time to think of an appropriate or entertaining response...  as if > you've agreed to answer the question, but don't really want to put in > the time and effort necessary to answer it _well_. >  In all honesty, now, is there anything you and I can do to reverse this > trend?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes.  Some Incarnations of the Oracle are bored to tears, and are just } sending off "askme" requests so that the Great Oracular Mind can possess } them and make them feel intelligent and important for a while.  It's the } dog days of August, remember?  You get lots of burnt-out hackers and } grad students who don't want to write code or do research or whatever, } so they turn to Oracularities as a comfort.  The trouble is that a lot } of them feel guilty about not doing the work that they're supposed to } do, which interferes with the flow of Oracular wit and wisdom into their } minds.  So they don't listen to the Self of the Oracle that possesses } them and would make them temporarily wise and witty -- they just } listlessly type in dull, stupid answers -- whatever comes to mind. } } Well, there's not much to be done.  Incarnations will have to make an } effort not to ask or answer questions when they're feeling bored or } frustrated or guilty about not getting enough work done recently.  Fewer } questions will be asked or answered, but those that are will be of } greater quality.  _Individuals_ will have to choose to perform well. } } The Oracle wishes that there were a quick, easy solution to this } malaise.  But the time of the year (a lot of people on vacation, hot } lazy days except in places like Australia -- lots of good questions and } responses are coming from Australia and New Zealand nowadays, have you } noticed?) is probably just exacerbating a chronic problem. } } Also a lot of computer nerds are feeling horny and lonely about now -- } coeds off campus and all that...why couldn't you be a brilliant, witty, } charming young woman, eh?  Then you could post an ad in alt.personals } and I could respond and perhaps we could have a spot of romance.  But } no, you're another thoroughly male geek...