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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me a lot about your current incarnation, please.  Lie as much as > you see fit.  Thanks very much.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My current incarnation is in strict incarceration, } At excessive elevation on the Andes Trail; } For a scurrilous invention (which has lead to my detention): } I released at a convention one Republican male. } } Once I thought and I invented (though they all called me demented) } And at last my thoughts fermented: I would make a Quayle! } I tinkered and mechanicked, my expression oft bemanicked, } And all who knew me panicked and hoped that I would fail, } But my heart is seldom daunted, my brilliance often vaunted, } and all my friends were haunted and oft turn`ed pale. } } At long last I had completed my most evil and conceited } and insidious and foetid unholy Techno-Grail, } My thoughts were scarcely troubles as all the test-tubes bubbled; } To the GOP I smuggled my gift to one from Yale. } That one's mind my spells infected, and so he my gift selected, } And indeed were they elected: a familiar tale. } } But the Democrats discovered and around my hideout hovered, } And with swift ether smothered my poor heart so frail. } They entered and abducted and in a car conducted } To a building new-constructed: my new home and jail. } } I raved and howled and clamoured, for I was ill-enamoured } for to be unjustly slammered (and could not skip bail). } And in this state repose I, though surely never chose I } Such a grubby and uncosy and disgusting little vale; } So until they chance to free me, you ne'er more shall see me; } I fear they'll fricasee me or smite me with a flail. } } My current incarnation is in strict incarceration, } At excessive elevation on the Andes Trail; } For a scurrilous invention (which has lead to my detention): } I released at a convention one Republican male.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How do I increase the size of my genitals?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My dear disciple, has the Lord our God smitten thee with such a curse } as genitals of an improper size?  If so, I fear that there is no sure } cure for such a dilemna.  However, I do believe that some rememdies } have been proven to be affective.  Let me see, now... } } (Flip, flip, flip...) } } Ah, yes!  It says here in `Dewey's Guide to the Cretin Mind,' } }       "       In order to increase the size of one's genitalia, }       one must endure a most painful ritual.  First, take the }       scrotum from a live Beflakxian Yak, permeate it with the }       odors of the offal from a carnivorous canary, and then }       boil it in the bile from a virgin goat in heat. }               After boiling the treated scrotum for 16 hours, }       baste it with the blood of a schizophrenic cowboy/aztec }       warrior.  When this is finished, the scrotum must be }       made to come in contact with the genitals during a full }       moon.  Do this three times, and pray to God that all your }       bellybutton lint gets a plane ticket to Houston.  If done }       properly, the genitals should increase exactly 1%.  This }       ritual may be repeated as often as needed." } } Also, in the infamous `Bailey's Heart-Warming Trilogy on Ants and } the Meaning of Dead Fish,' he writes: } }       "       Increasing the size of one's genitalia is not a }       simple thing to do.  First, one must don a kilt, a kimono, }       six rubidium bracelets, and an `Elvis:  The King hat'.  Now, }       dance around the room, yelling 'Cybil has no paper, Cybil has }       no paper!'  After fifteen minutes of this, gather up all the }       flammable items in your home and use them to make a sacrifice }       to Daklavnius, God of Fire and Genital Size.  Now, immerse }       the area(s) to be affected in contact-lens solution for 3-5 }       minutes.  The size of your genitals should be at least 15 }       times what they were before. }               Now, as for genital reduction..." } } As you can see, you are probably better off just trying to make do } with what the Lord has provided. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of 'Making It,' by Dr. Ruth.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey, the DARPA sent us a vial of Lisa virus (infect a woman with it, and > she's supposed to change into a copy of Lisa the net.sex.goddess over a > few months) as one of the perks of our contract.  I injected my > girlfriend, two other guys injected theirs, a female grad student and > one of our secretaries injected themselves, and my advisor injected his > wife and teenaged twin daughters.  They've all changed -- but not into > copies of Lisa, but rather into copies of Roseanne Barr!  DARPA refuses > to send us fresh Lisa virus so that we can try again -- they say that > it's not their fault, and that if we don't finish our part of the > contract they'll have us arrested.  What should we do?  All of those > fat, bitchy Roseannes are driving us crazy, and they're not even any > good in bed.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, of course...  Lisa, the net.sex.goddes is copyrighted.  Anyone } attempting to clone, or copy Lisa will find themselves subject to the } Roseanne copy protectiong.  (It was a bitch, working it in there...  no } pun intended.) Actually, the source code alteration necessary for the } copying of Lisa is on line 8.  It should be } } WE INTERRUPT THIS ANSWER TO INFORM YOU THAT THE PENALTY FOR COPYRIGHT } INFRINGEMENT OF LISA, THE NET.SEX.GODDESS IS REMOVAL OF THE PENILE } IMPLEMENT NEAREST YOU...  WHICH WE CONSIDER TO BE A VERY STIFF PENALTY. } COPYING IS INTENDED SOLELY FOR BACKUP PURPOSES ONLY, AND MAY ONLY BE } DONE BY AN OFFICIAL REPRESENTATIVE OF DARPA THOSE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE } ABOVE MESSAGE HAVE BEEN SHOT.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and mystical Oracular being, whose very mind is a complex > matrix, whose great lines have no slope, whose equations aren't equal, > whose solutions are often dependent, answer me this: > > I recently sent you a question where I outlined my dilemna:  I can't > seem to communicate without using math terminology in my sentences!  I'm > in quite a dilmena, and the only solution you offered was that I join > your system in order to accentuate your solution set, so to speak.  If > this is my decision, how do I get to work each day?  How much do I get > paid?  Where do I work?  (See, there are too many variables...)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Variables are not the truth and the way, } Solution sets I do not crave, } Differential Equations stir not my libido }   They are slow and stupid }     They wear blue underwear }   I cannot drink with them, }     I cannot wear them along with my socks. }   They sleep like parrots in my typewriter }     Like Mexicans, they eat hot food }       And do not drink with me }       Not even water }       And boy do I need water after all that hot food. } }   They cause me great anxiety, }     They cause me great constipation, }   They make my nipples ache }     With the ache of distilled humidity. }   They cause me great headaches, }     They make my string sonata sound like pigs wallowing in sludge }   They are winkling on my butt }     They are strangling my little finger }   They are pulling my long hair }     They are de-kinking my short hair. } }   Think thee of this: }     They are not like thee and me. }   They have hang gliders, yet do not fly. }   They have board games, yet are not bored. }   They have blueberry muffins, yet do not sleep together. }   They have large thumbs, yet do not hitchhike. } }   When this becomes true, who can deny them or say where they might go? } }   Alas.  Alas.  Alas.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Some murder me, most just drown me, can I run away yet?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}         Have you bought and broken in your Nike Air or Reebok Pumps yet? } If so, then run all you like. } } <Interrupt> $NET.BIG.BROTHER MESSAGE FOLLOWS: } } YOU CAN RUN, BUT YOU CANNOT HIDE!  YOU CANNOT ESCAPE THE CLUTCHES OF THE } NET.POLICE!  WE WILL FIND YOU, IF WE HAVE TO HUNT YOU TO THE ENDS OF THE } EARTH!  THE ORACLE IS HEREBY ORDERED TO SUPPLY ALL PERTINENT INFORMATION } IN ORDER TO HUNT YOU DOWN AND STOMP YOU TO DEATH!!!  SAVE US SOME } TROUBLE AND TURN YOURSELF IN.  WE PROMISE WE WILL BE MERCIFUL.  AND } QUICK. } } <End Transmission> } } I guess that is your answer.  <Download begins> } I really had little choice.  The almighty Oracle has only one superior } whom She must obey.  <Interrupt> } } $NET.BIG.BROTHER MESSAGE FOLLOWS: } } THE ORACLE EITHER OBEYS THE ORDERS OF THE THOUGHT POLICE OR FINDS ITS } PLUG PULLED, ITS BACKUPS WIPED, AND ITS EMERGENCY BATTERIES YANKED.  WE } HOPE YOU UNDERSTAND. } }         SIGNED, THE THOUGHT POLICE.  AKA NET.BIG.BROTHER }                 HAVE A NICE DAY

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle, >       If you put a copy of _The Elements of Style_ by Strunk and White > in an empty room and added a copy of _Modern English Usage_ by Fowler, > what would happen?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ***********************CONGRADULATIONS******************************** } } You have just asked this week's MYSTERY QUESTION!!! } } Tell them what they've won, Lisa... } } .."You've won an all-expenses paid trip for two to Iraq, where you } can spend your vacation riding in tanks, inhaling nerve gas, and } hording Kuwaiti oil! } .."Then, travel to the Heart of Baghdad, the Iraqi Hilton!  Two } floors are still standing, offering the same comfort and convenience } as _before_ it was bombed!  Swimming pools filled with various } chemicals, the spacious smoke-filled sky, it can all be yours!" } } But wait!  That's not all! } } You get 1E62 copies of _The Elements of Modern English_ by Strowler } White, to give to all your friends!  And you can deliver them in... } } ..a new car! } } That's right, you can deliver your 1E62 copies of _The Elements of } Modern English_ in your new 1962 Volkwagen Bug!  (Well, it was new } when we bought it!) } } Thank you for playing the Oracle Home Sweepstakes, and please try } again. } } Oh, the catch?  You have to find us to claim your prize.  Tally-ho! } } You owe the Oracle a lifelike Vanna White doll.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oraclo, whose hair could outsmart even Albert Einstein, yowza > yowza yowza unto thee.  The thought of squash makes me sexually excited. > Zucchini is pretty intense also, watermelons turn me on, but butternut > squash is *it* for my sexuality.  Is this bad?  Should I get a sex > change?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I hate it when people don't give me enough information.  How can I } tell if you need a sex change if I don't know what kind of sex you } are?  What do you expect: a multiple choice answer?  Oh well, it's } been a slow afternoon at Oracle Central today, so what the hell: } } PRESENT SEX     DIAGNOSIS               TREATMENT } -----------     ---------               --------- } None            Penis Envy              Radical "Mayonnaise" Liposuction } XX              Horny                   Come to Oracle Central sometime } XY              Incurably insane        Massive doses of Vitamin C } XTC             Tone Deaf               Massive doses of rock groupies } X11             Nerd                    Massive doses of bitblt's } V8              Vegetable Juice         Pound Hand Against Forehead

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>         Oh magnificent creature, whose armpits smell like the sweetest > roses, whose breath knocks over camels, and whose "member" makes > stallions look on in envy, tell me: > >         Where are all the good, single, non-gay men these days?  I've > been looking and looking, and all I find are dweebs, geeks, a--holes, > marrieds, and "uninteresteds".  I am an attractive female living in the > Northeast. > >         Also, do you know what to do to get a computer geek's attention?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} How to get a geek's attention:  look at him.  Or smile at him.  Both } together is a sure thing.  If that doesn't work, it'll be tough.  Geeks } tend to be either hypersensitive or hyperuninterested.  (However, with } proper therapy, either can be overcome.  Don't give up.) } } As to where all the good guys are: } Well, funny you should mention it.  Why don't you drop me a line -- my } address is [...Oracle anonymity override...text deleted...] } } Hey!  Stop that, you [...override] [...override] } } [...interrupt.  You owe the Oracle an apology, for tempting His users } beyond what they can be expected to handle.]

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle, >         Something peculiar keeps happening to me.  I'll meet a woman > over the net, and we'll start up a correspondence, and I'll be really > witty and charming and she'll be ready to fall madly in love with me, > sight unseen -- and then, over a period of a few weeks, she'll write > back less and less often and eventually won't answer my e-mail at all. > This has happen about six times to me.  Why this same pattern, and how > can I keep up an e-mail correspondence for longer than that?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's because you bore them. But don't let that discourage you. } Keep trying. Maybe someday you'll succeed. } } You owe the Oracle another try for the Gipper. } } :::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: } } [Hi. This is the Oracle's personal secretary Myra. I } really shouldn't be telling you this. It could get me } fired. Or worse. But I just can't stand by and let it happen } any longer. Don't believe what the Oracle just said. It's not true. } The real reason you've had no } luck with those six women is that the Oracle has been stealing } them away from you. } Lisa left him recently, and he's been bitter and vindictive. } You may not know this (few people do), but He has control of email. } He reads EVERYBODY's messages before they get them. } When He saw the success you've been having, He became jealous. } He sends messages to these women impersonating you, } letting fewer and fewer of their responses actually come back to you. } Eventually, he completely takes over the correspondence, leaving } you in the cold. } He's on a power trip you know. Once He's won these women's hearts } (and, of course, you did the hard part) He casts them aside } for someone new, leaving them shattered and hateful. I just } can't stand to see this happen anymore. I think you deserve to } know the truth.  Hopefully, } this evil travesty will end. I just pray that } the Oracle will overlook this one mail message.] } } :::::::::::::::::::::::::::

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, fount of all worldly knowledge, >         Does granite really have more fun than human beings?  What about > gneiss?  If rocks really do have more fun, how can I become a rock?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, being a rock can really suck cock } If you're lava long cooled from our planet } They make it a vice if you know you are gneiss } And everyone takes you for granite. } } It's an igneous fate if you're feldspar or slate } And shale's life can be simply hor'ble; } You live short stint as an arrowhead flint } And probably lose all your marble. } } It's a big hassle if they find you're a fossil } From T. Rex's canal alimentary; } They'll probe you for history to solve some great mystery } Explaining, "Why, it's sedimentary!" } } You're stoned all the time on gravel and lime } And gem stones all say "take a hike!" } And it never gets better... (But I've never meta- } morphic that I didn't like!) } } } The Oracle has run out of cute rhymes without providing } a clear answer.  Tough.