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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What the fuck are all those numbers on my driver's license for? > > Harold Finsterwokker     MW   583-24-6992265 >   tv ss92888921 5/c/5 000 3#/b++ c- ds+ dm- v++ w- t+ l+ >   ku99 589433-883 f58RR985 933L/42W dx55 s&m0 wd40 >   99291 f=5593 330001 54/33,00.1 533E9978993004200100400231 >   48 > > Thankkewverrimuch

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Man and Woman, social-sec. # plus three useless digits } Transvetite, S.S.(Nazi)number, pentagonality, null, three pounds over b }       and increment b, grade in Miss Ellsworth's social studies class, }       likes sadism, dislikes masochism, increment v, no wife, likes }       tits, likes licking things } likes being kootchi-kooed very much, serial number of penis, favorite }       airplane&least favorite president of the US&last three digits of }       year of first lay, inside trouser leg/jacket size, distance to }       mother's house, claims not to like S&M, likes lubricated sex, } random number to annoy you, variable initialization for f, number of }       times you would like to have sex before you die, IQ/waist size in }       inches, fraction of sexual encounters that are homosexual, a very }       large number } age } } My, what a lot of work.  Didn't realize how much your license revels, } eh?

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why doth the busy little troll > Drink all the shining sea? > Why doth the little busy troll, > Now void it all as pee?" "

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The busy little troll it does, } Drink the shining sea, } The busy little troll it does, } This quite happily! } } It does it because of its thirst, } Which truly has no bounds, } It does so 'cause it likes to hear, } That wondrous slurping sound. } } The little troll, for unknown cause, } Has voided that great sea, } The little troll, delusion-raught, } Sees it all yellow-y. } } Its bladder full, the little one, } Does perch upon the shore, } And urinates into the sand, } To make the sea once more. } } You owe the Oracle some applause, specifically in bright burgandy.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Owe grate and mistikal Orikel, whose mind is mutch smarter than mine, > whose very sharp witt maaks mi jellus, anser four mi this simpel > qweschon: > > Wenn Eye was in Hi Skool, Eye nevr did that wel in the yearlie speling > be.  Eye seam to half improvd sum, but my speling is stil bad.  Can ewe > give mi typs on howe to improv my speling?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'll read what you meant and not what you said.  When you were a lad, } you were dropped on your head, then forced to eat truffles all poisoned } with lead.  Now you're grown and you're wed, but your sex-life is dead. } I can see that you're angry and your face is all red, 'cause your wife } and her lover are off at Club Med.  I think it's a bit odd to do } spelling instead of finding another to warm up your bed.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> This space was intentionally left blank.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, good.  Then I can fill it up with stuff.  Let me talk to you about } concrete.  I love concrete.  I like spreading it on my bidy and letting } it set and then chipping it off with a rubber mallet.  I also like } stroking slabs of concrete, sleeping on a concrete bed with a concrete } pillow, and making love to a concrete statue of a woman.  One thing you } can say about concrete, it's not abstract!  Ha, ha, a bit of humor } there.  Get it?  Concrete, not abstract!  My, I'm funny today.  Anyway, } I own a cement mixer and I like pouring huge amounts of concrete into } molds for fun.  It's also fun to go to people's houses at night when } they are away, and knock a hole in a window and pour a whole lot of } concrete into their houses.  I do it all the time, and if you tell the } police on me I'll embed you in concrete and send you to sleep with the } fishies, you betcha.  I started small, with Sakrete, but Sakrete is so } expensive and it doesn't really do a good job.  And then there's the } aggregate.  I think that people use slightly too much aggregate in } concrete, yes I do.  And the Berlin Wall is really bad concrete, and I'm } glad that they're taking it down.  And Eastern European concrete is } really lousy, so maybe if those countries become free there will be good } concrete there.  What I hate about the Midwest is the aggregate. } Personally I like rough, sharp aggregate, like crushed granite, but the } aggregate here is all glacial gravel which has all kinds of dreck in it. } I ought to meve out West in the Rockies somewhere where the concrete has } the right sort of aggregate in it.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Should the government suspend its new policy of turning drug trafficers > into pigs?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This really is top secret, but since you asked.... } } Drug traffickers are all pigs to begin with.  The entire world-wide } drug-smuggling cartel is run from a tiny pig farm in northern Kansas } by a large, 2500 lb. boar named "Wilbur." } } "The Colombians?  Hah!  They're a complete crock," grunts Wilbur as } he wallows in his slop trough.  "I sell their butts as ham in Bogata } supermarkets!  You gotta admit, it's a great cover!  Medellin is a } LONG way from Salina!  While all the federal agents are out prowling } the Mexican border and the Florida Strait, my network of porkers makes } sure that the average American HIgh School student can afford to buy a } an ounce of pot on a week's allowance!" } } "Terriffic!  Terriffic!  Terriffic," honks one of Wilbur's many } partners in crime.  "The pay is great!  Is great!  Is great!  I'm } sending my children to Harvard!  To Harvard!  To Harvard!" } } Wilbur's network is wide, indeed!  You can hear his name mentioned in } the opium dens of the far east as well as the trendy parties of the } Malibu surfing scene.  Everything is run by Wilbur, his } scum-sucking assistant Templeton, and the mysterious Charlotte, } described only as "a local widow." } } As you can see, if this news ever got out, there could be a real } economic crisis.  People would boycott pork, thereby putting millions } of innocent pigs out of work, and farmers would be bankrupted by } plummeting pork-belly futures.  Worst of all, mobs of self-righteous } pig-haters would severely beat and/or lynch innocent porkers in the } streets. } } The government, therefore, has told the public that drug traffickers } are being TURNED INTO pigs.  This way, the pigs are sent to prison } instead of being butchered, thereby supporting pork prices.  All in } all, a good deal.  So to answer your question, NO, the government } should keep (allegedly) turning drug traffickers into pigs. } } You owe The Oracle 120 racks of barbecued pork ribs with extra sauce, } and a spider's web that spells out "LISA" in the morning dew.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's this unconscious man doing on my home directory?  Should I call > 911?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm...looks like a zombie to me.  Try kill -9, that should finish him } off, and his kids too. } } Then I'll call 911.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, you Imperialist Swine!  This is Saddam!  You told me to go > ahead and invade Kuwait!  "Nobody will care," you said!  "Just think > of all that extra oil," you said!  Well, NOW look at the mess I'm in! > The entire world is comparing me to Hitler!  (Not that Hitler didn't > have the right idea, of course.)  Worse, The U.S. is comparing me to > that worm food Khomeini!  (GAG!)  If this keeps up, we'll all be > living on goat-meat, goat-milk, and goat-cheese!  And DROWNING in all > that extra oil!  You advised me to get into this, now GET ME OUT, with > my mind, body, AND country intact!  Allah be praised!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, Saddam, old boy, why not quit it all?  There's a company in } Switzerland that'll spirit you out of Iraq and set you up running a } middle-eastern grocery in sunny San Jose'.  How about it?  Only $300,000 } from your Swiss bank account.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Um, I sorta forgot to answer that question you sent me last week, and > now whenever I try to send mail to anyone but you my system's mailer > demon sends me obscene gif files and error messages claiming that while > the recipient is OK, the sender is "non-mail-worthy".  Any Suggestions?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, I'll tell you this time. } } Your mailer daemon is no more; in its place is an Oracular Mailer Imp. } Needless to say, its nuisances are Only the Beginning -- a perusal of } past Oracularies & maybe some H.P. Lovecraft should give you an idea } of the horrors to come.  That MAY come, I should say, since the } heinous imp can in fact be exorcised.  Here's how: } } 1.  Collect all computing equipment within one thousand yards of your } site (VAXen, ps2's, cash registers, etc.). } } 2.  Burn it. } } 3.  Immerse the ashes in holy water. } } 4.  Locate a qualified exorcist (must be an ordained bishop AND a } certified DEC rep). } } 5.  Have exorcist consecrate your site by chanting "hecabe } nostra mortum -9 impi oracula" five thousand times while spinning } wildly like a dervish (the closest a mortal can come to facing me). } } } Wasn't that easy?  Now, cut out the "forgetting"!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Gracious Oracle who studiously avoids the eating of pork rinds, I am > from Iran.  Now that Iran and the U.S.A. are perhaps making amends > soon (what with the "Iraq thing"), would it still offend people for me > to carry my "Death to Carter, Death to the Shah" tote bag in the > streets of Denver?  I feel maybe it has "nostalgia value" now, and it > really is a superior tote bag which I hate to leave gathering dust in > the closet.  I turn to you, Oracle, having heard tell of your > remarkable insight into those dark, tricky places where fashion and > politics meet.  Any advice of yours would be most sincerely > appreciated.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Most people in the U.  S.  would now agree with "Death to Carter." The } consensus is that he was, as President, a well-meaning fool, and, as an } ex-President, a well-meaning fool and pontificating general nuisance and } pain in the ass.  So only the Carter loyalists (pretty rare critters) } will give a damn about "Death to Carter." } } As for "Death to the Shah":  he's dead, anyhow.  Besides, most Americans } are so ignorant that they have no idea who the Shah was or what the } title means, or that there was a Shah of Iran.  Yes, Americans are } really that stupid. } } So tell people, if they comment about your handbag, that it's the name } of an obscure rock group.  Many of them will claim to have heard it in } concert, or even to own CD re-releases of their greatest hits!  You'll } see:  Americans are horribly ignorant, but don't want anybody to think } so.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and mighty Usenet Oracle, answer me this: > Does anyone actually find "Designing Women" funny?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Die Zigning Vomen?  Ach!  Ja, das ist ein gut Schow.  So funny, mitt all } ze women (who be deaf) gettingkt in all sorts uff trouble because people } dink dey are makingkt obscene gestures.  Ha Ha Ha!  Naturlich!  Almost } as good as dat schow wid de puddingkt pop man, vhat ist his name, Kosby! } Ya!  Ze Vilhelm Kosby Schow! } } You owe ze Oracle some Sauerkraut undt a kopy uff "Fernseher Guiden." } Der Oracle habt gespoken.