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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Looove, soft as an eeeeeasy chair > Looove, fresh as the mor-or-ning aiiir > LOOOOOOOOVE, ageless and eveRRRRR-GREEEEEN > I have seeeen ... in you, Oracle. > > Thank you, thank you. > > O idyllic, tranquillic, audiophillic Oracle, what were the five > greatest recording acts of the seventies, and why?  (Keep it simple if > you like -- e.g. `` 1. Abba, for their mastery of phonetic English '' > etc. -- but the more detail the better of course.)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 1. The Psychedelic Remote-controlled Penises: they were the only group } that could give Byelorussian peasants a hard-on. } 2. Zinc-Dyprosium Alloy: no more need be said. } 3. Somi Iggy Proff Towmeetha: absolutely incomprehensible lyrics, } records with vinyl impregnated with fish oil, gratuitous sexual } references in the cover art of their albums. } 4. Pus-covered Lizard Baton: captured the true essence of 1970's } Pittsburgh while incorporating elements of Gregorian chant. } 5. Fleas in Your Groin: easily the most disgusting lyrics ever, sung in } beautiful clear voices of operatic quality, making every single word } easy to understand.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How do they declare all those variables named "FILLER" in > COBOL without generating a "DUPLICATE IDENTIFIER" error at > compile time?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Remember that the rule for FILLERs is that if  a  previously }       declared  variable  starts  with the letters A-F,J,T,V, or Z }       with less than 5 characters ending in P or S,  the  moon  is }       waxing, and no one named Sam or Fred falls off a tall build- }       ing at an interval of 3 weeks and 4 days prior to  compiling }       OR  if a previously declared variable begins with D,G,M or Q }       with more than 7 letters ending in 1,B,X or Y, the  moon  is }       waning,  and  someone named Joe has driven 35.2 miles to eat }       pizza at an interval of between 12 hours and 36 minutes  and }       11 hours 57 minutes prior to the second pass of the compiler }       there should not be an error message, unless of  course  the }       tide  in Hong Kong is rising and at 97% top level, the angle }       between Jupiter and Saturn with Mecca as the focal point  is }       between  34 and 39 degrees, and there is a war in the Middle }       East, in which case the FILLER declaration may be valid only }       between  lines 1734 and 1823.  This rule is invalidated if a }       variable with the third letter E, G, M, or Q  and  not  more }       than  6  characters is involved in an addition between lines }       1937 and 2330, in which case a random rule  will  be  fabri- }       cated and cryptic error messages for not less than 421 lines }       will be displayed. } }       As payment, the Oracle demands you write a COBOL compiler.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and wondrous Oracle, I want to design a game show that's so hard > nobody wins anything.  I'm thinking stuff like "OK, Alex, I'll take > hyperbolic trigonometric functions for $600." Can you help me think of > topics and/or sample questions?  If you do, I'll give you a cut.  Or > maybe a nice fruit basket, you know, the kind with little plums, and > bananas, and grapes, and the little kiwi fruit (but without the fuzz-- I > hate the fuzz, and the little black seeds inside 'cos they get caught in > your teeth).  My brother hates fruit baskets.  He says that only fags > like fruits and nuts 'cos you are what you eat, but he's a crass guy who > thinks Budweiser is a fine aged lager made from the choicest hops, > barley malt, and alcohol so you can get really tanked and send E-mail to > people. > > So what do you think?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmm...game show topics.  Various types of philosophy:  "Kantian Ethics } for $400, please." Fine points of Roman Catholic theology, or of the } Talmud.  Obscure history, as of minor Popes.  Cutting-edge topology. } Obscure points of botany known only to specialists. } } The trick is to investigate thoroughly everybody who comes onto the } program -- hobbies, interests, education, employment, everything.  Then } ask really specialized questions in fields about which the poor yobboes } can know nothing whatever. } } Examples (in "Jeopardy!"-style "the answer is" form): }         Astounding chord that ends penultimate line of Bach's BWV 90. }         Type of cheese mentioned by insane Welshman in Middleton's _The }             Changeling_. }         Largest town in the habitat of Uebelmannia pectinifera. }         Most common amino acid in the hulls of guava seeds. }         Amino acid sequence of wombat amylase. }         Number of Popes known to have been avid fishermen. } } Of course, you must take great care that you don't ask such questions of } an expert...

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You toilet paper!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} At last!  Something inspiring.  I think I feel a poem coming on... } }       One ply, two ply, }       I love you all, by }       the roll, by the sheet, }       toilet paper you're so neat! } }               Wipe my noise, wipe my bum, }               toilet paper you're so fun! }               I am brave, when I shave, }               `cause I know a cut, you'll save. } }       Oh, so soft, oh so fine, }       you toilet paper mine. }       When I'm lonely, when I'm blue, }       I can always count on you! } }               You toilet paper!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Don't hate me because I'm beautiful!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, I don't hate you because you are beautiful.  I hate you because: } }       you sleep on MY side of the bed. }       you have those ghastly running sores on your buttocks. }       you eat creamed corn with your mouth wide open. }       every time you speak, you shower me with saliva. }       you leave the cap on the toothpaste off. }       you vote Republican or Democrat, depending on your horoscope. }       your stupid poodle Fluffy piddles on my terminal. }       you have four toes on your left foot, and six on your right. }       you think tuna fish and peanut butter casserole is a "delicacy." }       your nose runs... sideways. }       your elbows go the wrong way. }       you have that third breast... in your armpit. }       you fart in polite company. }       you smoke those god-awful Cigarillos. }       you spit for distance on trans-Atlantic airplane flights. }       you like "New Kids on the Block." }       you enjoy pouring raw sewage into people's swimming pools. }       you have that nasty hacking cough. }       you mistake everybody for Alan Funt. }       you are a member of "Quayle '92." } } Aside from that, you're OK, I guess... } } You owe the Oracle a tuna fish and peanut butter sandwich. } The Oracle has enumerated.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, I know a guy named Timchuk. > > So how many Tims can Timchuk chuck if Timchuk can chuck Tims?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle's handy general purpose tongue twister solving formula: } }        ________________________________________________________ } n =   / (v * b) ^ log(s) / atn(o+1) + d - t * z + f(i,j) - r/a }      /  _______________________________________________________ +ln(y)/g }   x / }    v    exp(u * sin(p/w)) * (l1-l2) + cosh(h-k) +(e^e) - c*f*m } } where: } } n is the number of times the subject (Timchuk) performs the action } (chuck) on the object (Tims). } } v is the number of letters on the word describing the action. } } s is the height of the subject (Timchuk). } } o is the total energy, including mass-energy of each object (Tims). } } r is the number of the religous preference of the subject in a list in } alphabetical order containing all the religions known throughout the } world.  Even the extinct ones. } } d is the number of days till Christmas. } } u is the percentage of knowledge known by physicists required to devise } a Unified field theory. } } w is the percentage chance that their theory is wrong. } } l1 is the length of time in seconds the subject has been alive. } } l2 is the length of time in seconds the subject will take to calculate } this formula } } e is the number of times anybody has claimed that Elvis is alive. } } m is the distance between the subject's current position and Mars in } light-years. } } z is the number of jokes known throughout the world with the letter 'z' } in it.  c is amount of carbon in a mole in mols. } } x is the unknown quantity. } } y is any function of x that you decide to make up on the spur of the } moment. } } b is the percentage chance that the Olympic games will be held in } Birmingham. } } t is the telephone number of a party I attended in Islington. } } f is the number of times a nun has swore. } } a is the percentage of MPs absent from Parliment at any given time. } } p is the thickness of a pound note that has being torn, soaked in acid } and burned. } } q is here even though it isn't in the equation. } } h is the answer to the ultimate question. } } i is the number of alternative theories to the theory of evolution and } divine creation. } } k is the length of time in seconds you last driving a Penguin lorry } through Iran. } } j is the number of lawyers it takes to change a lightbulb. } } g is acceleration due to the gravitational attraction of a boiled quails } egg. } } } Once of calculated this, the answer turns out to be root of minus 1. } } You owe the Oracle more letters of the alphabet because he's run out.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear wise Oracle, >         I read in a little book about edible Garden flowers.  It seems > that daylilies (_Hemerocallis_, not lilies in general) are edible.  So > are hollyhocks -- the blossoms, in both cases, with the caveats that not > all varieties of daylily taste good, and that the base of a hollyhock > flower tends to be bitter and probably shouldn't be eaten. >         Anyhow, whenever I see a flower garden, I check for daylilies > and hollyhocks, and eat a few blossoms.  They're pretty tasty.  With > daylilies, even the wilted blossoms taste okay, so I don't even have to > destroy a fresh and beautiful blossom in order to have a nice snack. > People look at me strangely when I do this, and I admit that it's > becoming sort of a mania with me to eat these flowers.  Should I try to > give this up?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The muse is upon the Oracle (and it feels soooo good), so } I shall respond with verse: } } If on flowers you choose to dine, } Be prepared to hear folks whine. } They'll say you're acting like a swine } And that you have no class. } } They'll say you don't know wrong from right, } But this is only out of spite, } For they know not the sheer delight } Of dew upon the grass, } } Or tender leaves of daffodils. } They only know of all life's ills, } Cholesterol, blood pressure pills, } and calories to cut. } } So next time you sit down to sup } on a daylily or buttercup } And someone gripes, say "Pucker up } And kiss my big fat butt."

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What do you know about AT&T's new operating system, "Plan 9"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Aah!  A question worthy of my time.  Plan 9, as far as operating systems } go, has a very interesting story.  The homeboys down at Bell Labs } decided that Unix as it is today is inherently boring, so a major } rewrite was needed. } } They started with the most advanced Unix kernel they could get their } hands on.  Of course, they couldn't use any BSD code, so they binary } patched their copy of Unix 3.51m, the 3B1 operating system.  This } guaranteed a solid base to work from. } } Many concepts were re-appraised.  Things like virtual memory was } completely rewritten.  In Plan 9, it is no longer done in hardware _nor_ } in software.  Nowadays, virtual memory is handled solely in the user's } mind.  It seems that if _your_ memory forgets about the job, the machine } can safely forget about it also.  This frees up valuable resources.  For } those users who stubbornly refused to give up paging, a combined C/A/T } phototypesetter and OCR system was devised.  Swapping was left for } swap-meets and flea markets. } } New device drivers were written.  There is now support for 8-track tape. } This is a major improvement over the conventional 9-track tapes. } Problems such as detecting end of tape were eliminated.  Filesystems } could now be created on tape, since seek time could be cut down.  Tape } filesystems now allowed for the deletion of hard disk support.  Kernel } size dropped from 2 megs down to 20K.  There is, however, optional } support for Macintosh 800K floppy disks if you feel so inclined to use } them.  Mice are considered passe, so Plan 9 now has an interface for } gerbils and hamsters.  The next release will also support subway rat, } for those "power users" out there. } } Necessary facilities such as netnews, mail, and GIF decoding were moved } into kernel space (where it belonged in the first place).  Process } communication was delegated to the email system.  To avoid problems with } the Moral Majority, most system daemons have either been exorcised or } renamed as saints and angels.  The name daemon, for example, is now } called St_Peter. } } The online manual is now printed in greek, to conform with most users' } comments that it looked like greek in the first place.  To avoid further } confusion over the differing manual sections, there are now just 2 } categories - 'us' (for routines that can only be used by Bell Labs } personnel) and 'them' (for everything else). } } There are many other changes, but most require you to hold a source code } licence to know about it.  Now, the Oracle would never want to get his } loyal followers into hot water with Ma Bell, would he?  Of course not. } } If you are still interested in Plan 9 (from New Jersey), you can call }         1-800-HI-D00DZ for more information and fees.  You owe the } Oracle a Plan 9 port for the VIC-20.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle who does not resemble much a smelly fink duck, please tell > me this thing that I want to know.  Is it really true and bad that Iraq > does not know and have spaghetti, is this this the first true cause of > the Iraqi war against Kuqait?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, and no. } } By the way, that's spelled "Kumquat." } } One of the contributing causes to the conflict is Kumquati hoarding of } pasta -- the Kumquatis have purchased with their oil money huge amounts } of tortellini, canneloni, spaghetti, linguini, elbow nacaroni, and so } on, and have hoarded it in special underground artificial caverns cut } out of the living rock underneath the desert sands.  The Iraqis, who are } having slight shortages of food and really like pasta, learned of this } huge hoard of it and it helped them resolve to invade. } } People who live in desert emirates shouldn't hoard pasta.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How do I get her to stop impersonating the young Twiggy?  She's starving > herself to death, and the accent still sounds like something out of Iowa > (actually she's from Nebraska).

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       <this space left intentionally blank> } } } } } } } } } } } } } } } } } } } } } } } } } } } } } } } } } } } } <that space left intentionally blank, Utah three days ago.  It is now } <on it's way to Nowhereland, Nebraska , to set up a dating service for } <Nowhereman.  Unfortunately there are no Nowherewomen.  So it looks } <as though those NowherePlans are being made for Nobody.  Nobody being } <Nowhereman's first name.> } } You owe the Oracle a yellow submarine, a hole, and Albert Hall.