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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who is "Sir Wild Worm Smythe?"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}            The Pleasing Comedie Wylde Worm Smythe, } }                        -- or -- } }                   The Angler's Return } }                       [an excerpt] } } } } BELINDA:  Good Lord Smythe, should'st thou not knock before entering a } lady's bedchamber?  You frighten'd my poor Shock almost out o' his wits! } } SMYTHE:  Your Shock, Madame? } } BELINDA: My lapdog, sir.  Would you care to be acquainted with my } hairy little thing? } } SMYTHE: Certainly madame, if you would kindly move the dog.  Truth be } known, madame, I too have a little pet which longs for the } acquaintance of some warm creature.... } } BELINDA:  Perhaps it would care to mingle with mine.  Is it a dog, } sir, or a cat perhaps? } } SMYTHE:  It is, madame, a worm. } } BELINDA:  A worm, sir!  Imagine! } } SMYTHE: A lapworm, madame.  Yet I fear his play might much chaffe and } weary your dainty pet, for my little fellow grows most restive, being } always confined within my breeches.  Here he is -- } } BELINDA: Vicare!  He is not so little, sir!   By the rednesse of } him I should say he is a blood-worm!  And the winking of his eye } speaks most tellingly of a rogueish wildnesse! } } SMYTHE:  He is, I confesse, a most marvelous forward creature. } } BELINDA:  Yet his posture is quite noble, for he is most erect in } bearing -- he seems a very soldier-worm! } } SMYTHE: A conquistidor, m'lady.  Yes, he's a haughty night crawler, and } a sporting too. } } BELINDA: 'Pon my life, he is indeed a sportsman -- a most promiscuous } Angler, I should say, for he smells most stinkingly of fish! } } SMYTHE:  True, dear Lady.  He loves nothing more 'pon this earth than } to angle his way into a dank and fishy grotto.... } } BELINDA:  I blush, sir!  What is your meaning, pray! } } SMYTHE:  Do you know of such a place, madame, where my friend might } find liquid refreshment?  He likes his grottoes small, and o'ergrown } with moss. } } BELINDA: Perhaps I know of such a place, sir, but given the prodigious } girth and longitude of your pet, I fear he'd never fit! } } SMYTHE: 'Tis always thought no grotto could accomodate his vastness, } madame, yet he always gains his entrance, though it take a whole night } of toilsome batt'ring! } } BELINDA:  I beg you stop, sir!  Now you are too forward! } } SMYTHE:  Avast! } } BELINDA:  Oh! } } SMYTHE:  I die! } } BELINDA:  I die! } } SMYTHE:  I die! } } BELINDA:  I die!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ARHG!  Mr.  Palace Monkey just nearly killed me with a buffer!  What'll > I do, Oracle?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Not again! You stupid! AAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGH! } } [Fade to picture of scholarly gentleman] } } "The Oracle then proceeded to hunt down the hapless writer with an axe } and chop him into bite-size pieces. Yes, the Oracle cracked under the } strain of being asked to answer one too many nonsensical questions. } } "But can we really blame the Oracle? After being constantly bombarded } with questions like `Why does my lexicon grow purple at night?' or } `Chunks o' sputum! Hurrah!' or even `Gurble splitter poop. Glibber } goob nobber?', who wouldn't like to find the little jerk who wrote the } question and grab his NECK AND SQUEEZE AND SQUEEZE UNTIL PASTY PINK } GOO SQUIRTS BETWEEN YOUR FINGERS AND THE TWERP'S EYES POP RIGHT OUT OF } HIS SKULL AND GO BOUNCING AROUND THE ROOM LIKE ALBINO MEATBALLS--ahem. } } "So please. For your own safety, please write sensible, logical } questions. Like, `Why is Lisa like a plumber's snake?' That's one I've } always wanted to answer." } } You owe the Oracle a spotless corkscrew.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Am I really against war?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I am reminded of the famous cheer by the Hunsterettes, Attila's } cheerleading squad: } }     We love war, }     Yes we do! }     We love war, }     How 'bout you? } } Usually, there was no reply from the opposing corpses.  "But what does } that have to do with me?" you might ask.  Very little, I would answer. }     Let us consider the lowly amoeba:  does it wonder about war, about } the senseless devouring of other amoebas?  No!  It does what it must to } survive.  "But what does that have to do with me?" you might ask.  Very } little, I would answer. }     Do you think the Germans thought about what they were doing when } they bombed Pearl Harbor?!...  Or was that...  Well, anyway, the point } is, whoever they were, they just did it, then we, like, did what we did. } Hm. }     My suggestion is this:  go out at night and look up at the stars. } See how many there are?  There are hundreds, I assure you.  And they're } more than a thousand miles away.  Really makes you think, doesn't it? } So if, like, the universe is so big and everything, what difference does } it make if a few million people die on some miserable rock spinning } around a small star in an unfashionable corner of the galaxy?  Are you } really against war?  That depends on the value you place on life when } put in that perspective. }    You owe the oracle a posting to philosophy.cynics as penance.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why haven't there been any "Usenet Oracularities" postings to Rec.humor > lately?  Some rumours say that Stepve Kinzler is dead, others that he's > just on vacation and others that he's just recovering from that date > with Lisa he finally got as a reward for long and faithful service.  Is > any of these rumours true?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Kinzler, dead?  No, it's not possible... He HAS been pretty quiet } lately.  Hm..... } } Good Grief!  He is dead!  One bullet, straight through the heart!  Who } could have done this? } } <I did.> } } Who said that? } } <Me.  George, the net.murder.god> } } Net.murder.god?  Why, you're gwh, a famous USENET personality!  Why } would you be the net.murder.god? } } <Because I want to.> } } Why did you kill Kinzler?  What did he do to you? } } <He refused to put any of my replies on the Oracle postings.> } } Are you sure?  Let's look at those replies... } } The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. }   Your question was: } }   > I deeply love my girlfriend Linda.  How can I show my love to her? } }   And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } }   } Well, for starters, you could amputate her limbs with a chainsaw, }   } and watch her bleed to death.  Or you could set her on fire.  How }   } about feeding her a set of Alka-Seltzer tablets and watching her }   } stomach explode? Or } ^C } } That's pretty grisly, George. } } <What do you expect from the net.murder.god?> } } Still... } } <Well, now you know my secret.  I'll have to kill you too...> } } What?  Hey, what is that?  A STEAMROLLER?!?  Ahhhhh!!  Run away!  Run } away!  Run away... } } . } . } . } } Cough, cough.  Oh, it must have been a nightmare.  Lisa, you wouldn't } believe the nightmare I just had.  I met the net.murder.god, and... } } <Um?> } } Oh well, at least you're still the net.sex.goddess... } } <Actually, I'm going to have to change my title.> } } To what? } } <net.maternity.goddess> } } Net.maternity...  Oh no!  Noooooooooooooo.... } } . } . } . } } <Oracle, wake up!> } } Oh, Kinzler, it's you.  I thought you were dead. } } <Huh?  Whatever.  Anyway, I finished compiling the Oracularities list, } and have been waiting patiently for your approval.  But you were } asleep.> } } Right.  Let me sign that and you can post away... } } You owe the Oracle a chainsaw, a condom, and some NoDoze.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My girlfriend, Ophelia, killed herself today.  Should I commit suicide? > > Signed, Hamlet.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Suicide Hotline... please hold.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Under what circumstances, if any, should a decent young sheep go to the > Texas A&M?  They invited me very nicely.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Got some new software!  Gotta try it out! } } OracleOS Release 1.0 (bsd4.6) IUVAX.CS.INDIANA.EDU } } 9/1   queryl -- the new DBMS has been installed.  Later this week we }       will also install gqueryl, which will be twice as powerful at only }       six times the size. } } 8/23  Someone has been drinking coffee again near the Workstations. }       This is a no-no. } } iuvax [1] queryl } } WELCOME TO QUERYLANGUAGE v. 0.0.0.1 ALPHA } } BUG REPORT:  NUMEROUS COMPLAINTS FROM ALPHA TESTERS ABOUT CLI.  WATCH }            YOURSELF. } } } ?> (query? (and (sheep) (texas))) } ..... } "There are no sheep in texas." } } What?  Hmm.  Maybe I should capitalize "Texas"... } } ?> (query? (and (sheep) (Texas))) } ......... } "The sheep in Texas drink a lot of beer." } "The sheep in Texas drink a lot of scotch." } "The sheep in Texas drink a lot of wine." } "The sheep in Tex^C } } Maybe I should be more specific.  Hm... } } ?> (query? (and (sheep) (cf "Texas A&M"))) } CFing "Texas A&M" =======> "Aggie" } ....... } "The sheep in Texas drink a lot of "Aggie."" } ?? MAL QUES ERR 00121 ?? } } This isn't working at all.  What's error 00121?  "Malformed query."  Try } again. } } ?> (query? (and ("sheep") (action "enroll" (cf "Texas A&M")))) } CFing "Texas A&M" =======> "Aggie" } ........... } YOUR QUESTION IS COMPLEX.  CONFIRM CORRECTNESS: } "Why would a sheep enroll in the Texas A&M (cf. 'Aggie')?"  [Y/N]: N } } Now I see how it works.  Let my try again. } } ?> (query? (action "invite" (action "enroll" ("sheep")) (cf "Texas A&M"] } CFing "Texas A&M" =======> "Aggie" } ........... } YOUR QUESTION IS COMPLEX.  CONFIRM CORRECTNESS: } "Why are the sheep nervous around Texas A&M (cf. 'Aggie')?"  [Y/N]: Y } } Close enough. } .................. } "The sheep are nervous around Texas A&M because the other sheep are }  nervous around Texas A&M." } } What??  What kind of an answer is that? } } ?> (please? explain (panswer)) } } "Have you ever seen a female Aggie?" } } Hmm....  looks like we're getting somewhere now. } } ?> (please? explain (pexplanation)) } } "The boys get pretty lonely around Texas A&M." } } ?> (please? explain (pexplanation)) } } "Get it through your thick skull, you poor excuse for a mail daemon. }  These Aggies are boinging their sheep." } } ?> (please? define "boinging") } } "Y'know, 'hide the hotdog,' wink wink nudge nudge know-what-i-mean?" } } ?> (please? define "hide the hotdog") } } "Good grief.  You know, what you and Lisa did all last Saturday..." } } ?> (test-eq? "boinging" "croquet") } } "Croquet?  You played CROQUET with the net.sex.goddess 'til 3AM?" } } ?> (assert 't) } } "My ass." } } ?> (assert queryl (not (is-element-of queryl "ass"))) } } "It's a figure of speech.  Sheesh." } } ?> (assert queryl (is-element-of queryl "obnoxious")) } } "Same to you, bud." } } ?> (quit) } } "No, not until we have this thing out." } } ?> (abort) } } "Nice try." } } ?> ^C } } "Try again.  Hehehehehe." } } ?> ^\ } } "What?  Oh damn, forgot about SIGSTOP..." } process terminated (tty input) } } iuvax [2] rm /bin/queryl } Permission denied. } } One last chance... } } iuvax [3] queryl -e '(query? (amount "wood" (action "chuck") \ } "woodchuck"))' } Segmentation fault (core dumped). } } iuvax [4] /bin/rm -f /bin/queryl } iuvax [5] comp } To: root@iuvax } cc: } Subject: queryl has self-erased } -------- } A bug in the queryl DBMS caused it to erase itself.  Better send a bug } report. }                                               --Orrie } ^D } What now? push } iuvax [6] logout

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What are the characters of the Glagiolitic alphabet, and when was its > use superseded by the Cyrillic alphabet?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The characters are a bit hard to do in ASCII.  Here are their names as } pronounced by Herman Merbleguard. } } - Tshi-boo Bokra ("tkh") was eliminated in 1854 in favor of just using }   "t" followed by "kh". } } - Ongolobo Borka ("tsh") was eliminated in 1856 in favor of the "ch" }   character, since nobody could tell the difference anyways. } } - Yurp-Noiky Paloo ("r") was eliminated in 1856 also, because Mirnikov, }   the chairman on the Council of Arts and Letters could not pronounce }   "r".  (It was reinstated in 1871, under the name "Walla-walla Snapper }   Cavort", and turned upside down.)  (Also, painting was abolished, as }   Mirnikov could not paint. It was restored two years later as the art }   form of attaching canvas to a film of oil-based fluid.) } } - Gosling Snake Maroon ("g") was eliminated in 1856 because there was }   already a letter "g". } } - Castro Blunder-Marshmallows ("g") was eliminated in 1857 because }   Gosling Snake Maroon had been eliminated, and it was only fair. } } - Torquil Marzipan-Onomatopoeia ("ai") was eliminated in 1858 because it }   was the first letter of a nasty name that Mirnikov was called when he }   was a child, just before they beat him with a dictionary. } } - Yuggoth Blender-Sforzando Bumboo ("ly") was eliminated in 1859 as part }   of the epic struggle between Mirnikov and his arch-rival Ventrikov. }   This struggle, which may be studied in more detail in Michelin's epic }   volume "The Purloined Letter", ended in the destruction and partial }   death of both participants, quite dramatically, as they spoke to each }   other with poisoned Balakirev Vichisoisse-Moutarde ("s") letters. } } This pretty much ended the alphabetic reform.  However, in 1893, the } letter Bar-Hytt System Call (which makes the previous letter be } pronounced upside-down) was lost by accident when an unnamed lieutenant } was taking it to Leningrad for a routine dental examination. } } You owe the Oracle a phonological history of the United States.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is it ever possible to seduce someone by serving them red wine, grapes, > and tincture of iodine?  If not, why does Billy keep serving it to me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why is he doing it? Why--why because he loves you, of course. } } Hit it! (Da dum da dum dum DUM!) } } Oh, Iodine } Won't you be mine } You're making me pine away! } } Oh, Iodine } Red grapes and wine } I serve you every day! } } I used to think you loved me } But now I really know } 'Cause when you eat } My special treat } Your face begins to glow! } } Oh, Iodine } Won't you be mine } Don't take your love away! } } Yeah! (tap tippity tap tap tappa swish tap tap click clack clock clack } clickety clack clock) Whoa, we're cookin' now! (Tap tap clickety clack } clikka tap swish) One more time! } } Oh, Iodine } Not turpentine } You know I'll never mind you! } } Oh, Iodine } My love is blind } I'll wine and iodine you! } } Your parents think I'm crazy } That I'm not alright upstairs } When I go back } To fix a snack } I get suspicious glares! } } Oh, Iodine } Won't you be mine } Don't take your love away! } } Drink up! } } (For a musical recording of this Oracularity send $1.50 to: } }  Oracle's a Dancin' Fool }  387 Oracle Way }  Fifth Alternate Plane of Reality 12345+1.89i } }  Save COD charges by picking it up yourself, you lazy bum!) } } You owe the Oracle a song about Milk of Magnesia

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who is this girl next to me and why is she naked?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Her name is Ms.  Horse-Slime Slug Rabbit.  She is a 33d degree } Freemason, a Rotarian, an Elk, and the League of Voters With Stupid } Names.  She is naked because Ms.  Goat Stewed-Turnips Prince removed her } clothing as a prelude to initiating her into yet another secret society. } The reason she is next to you is that you are somewhere where you very } much do not belong.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oy, all the SaTAN questions of the Oracle today, why all the SaTAN > questions, it is five or six I have gotten now, why, why all the SaTAN > questions?  And why the dorky capitalization?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A little careful checking into the matter has revealed that these } messages are actually coming *from* Satan.  Yup, that's right. } Asmodious, Beezelbub, The Prince Of Darkness, The devil on two sticks, } The Cloven One and even "Proctor & Gamble" on occasion. } } In any case, The Oracle was somewhat curious about this sudden and } rather inept attempt at self-promotion by The Devil and managed to } arrange a short interview. } } Oracle: "So, Mr.  Satan, what exactly is behind these recent attempts }         of yours to step into the limelight?" } } Satan:  "Well, Oracle baby, it's like this.  In the past, I never had }         to worry much about advertising, you know?  There was always a }         mother's group burning Beatle records in my name, or some }         number of two-headed calves born in Ireland that were attributed }         to me.  My name was in the press almost constantly." } } Oracle: "To say nothing of the cults." } } Satan:  "Ah yes..  Black Sabbath, Charles Manson, Anita Bryant. }         Those were the days." (looks wistfully into space for a }         moment). } } Oracle:  "So what's the problem?" } } Satan:  "Well, it just ain't the same anymore.  For one, the competition }         these days is murder!  Take all them tee-vee preachers for }         example." } } Oracle: "I wish you would." } } Satan:  "Heh heh, yes, well, in the old days I could always count on }         them to provide the bible thumpers with a good clear public }         image of me.  Fire and brimstone, corruption of their children, }         you know?  But now they've skipped the middleman and started }         cutting in on my action!  Jim and Tammy Baker with $10,000 }         heated dog houses and lavish monuments to greed!  Jimmy Swaggert }         caught watching hookers do the hurky-lurky with fresh }         vegetables!  It's getting to where the Bible thumpers are }         starting to wonder just who the Devil is!" } } Oracle: "A crisis of faith, as it were." } } Satan:  "Exactly...  And they were some of my best customers too.." }         (muses) }         "Then it got even worse.  Some folks even started going straight }         for my title!  Gadaffi, Khomennei and now even Saddam Hussein! }         That's when I started getting really worried, so I decided to }         take some action." } } Oracle: "You mean..?" } } Satan:  "Right!  I decided to call in a few markers and get some help }         from my collegues in Hollywood." } } Oracle: "An agent." } } Satan:  "Yup.  Benny 'Who love's ya babe?' Goldstein.  One of the very }         best.  He does Fonda, Redford, Weird Al, all the big names. }         This was all his idea." } } Oracle: "I see.  A letter writing campaign." } } Satan:  "Not just that.  We've got some big stuff planned!  Guest spots }         on Miami Vice!  A complete line of Devil dolls with little }         suction cups on the feet for sticking on car windows, a new }         series of Devil movies that will make 'The Exorcist' look like }         'Bambi', Devil lunchboxes, Devil cartoons on Saturday morning, }         even my own breakfast cereal!" } } Oracle: "Wow.  I'm really impressed." } } Satan:  "This is the big league now.  Gotta move with the times." } } Oracle: "Well, I wish you luck." } } Satan:  "Yeah, thanks.  Gotta run.  Big possibilites in Saudi Arabia." } } Well, there you have it.  The Devil has gone Hollywood. } } You owe the oracle a box of "Satan's Sugar Squishies"