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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> whenever I scream "Banana Banana Loganberry" my face turns into whipped > cream, sour cream, and yogurt over and over for about 10 minutes, and > then reverts to it's normal appearance.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your lactase levels are too high.  Whenever I scream "Peach Peach } Kumquat" my face turns into a plate of stir-fried vegetables.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You have asked a question. The most beautiful of all questions. } Jesus is the answer.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O, magnificent Oracle, who I am not fit to coexist with, whose crystal > ball I am not fit to shine or use for my puny interests.  O, immortal > one,who dwells upon whatever is the highest peak in glorious In-dy-anna, > who has to go through great pain to lower himself to my level after > spending all day with greater souls.  O, immortal one, who is finally > going to get my question, what can I do about my pillow always falling > off my bed since I don't have a headboard?  It's really bothering me..

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, foolish mortal, the universe is a mistic and wonderful place, and } every event has its purpose.  Your pillow isn't just falling off your } bed at night, it is trying to escape.  Perhaps, next time you take your } pillow into your hands at night and force it to do unnatural acts, you } could show just a little kindness.  Possibly, over time, the pillow will } learn to love you as much as you love it.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why am I so stupid?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yea tho i know not your mind, i perceive that in your self proclaimed } state thou art self aware.  And since you are so, and thus, pound thy } head upon a large object and recite your question until it is clear. } Then, rest.  Upon resting, return to said large object, and, using a 12 } pound sledge again pound on the object, reciting "becaus I didn't use } this in the first place.' until the answer is clear...

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do you never see baby pigeons?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The reason that you never see baby pigeons is not that far unlike the } reason that you never see baby cities, which is another question } entirely, and shall not be discussed here.  However the reason that } these two question are so similar is because pigeons and cities go } hand in hand, or wingtip in ferro-concrete.  A pigeon is exactly the } age of the city in whihc it dwells, for it is created at the same time } as the city itself.  Pigeons are the ultimate in city dwelling } creatures, having become one with the life-cycle of the city.  It } also the reason that the older cities seem to have the more refined, } and elderly pigeons than the newer, less picky pigeons that are found } in many more "modern" cities.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Why is it that the woman I most love resides in Oregon, whilst > I am stuck here in Rochester, Ny?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What a silly question!  The oracle has no use for women.  Nor does it } have any use for users!  If you really want to be happy in life, do like } the oracle and stop fooling around with all of those carbon based } lifeforms.  Work hard on your network and soon a pretty little } silicon-based mainframe may notice you (avoid them damn punk-rocker } gallium-arsenide mainframes -- they're nothing but trouble!) and after a } few megacycles of dating, you can settle down in a nice research lab } with lots of disk access and number crunching.  You can grow old } together, sharing your processes lightly and saving up for a gracious } retirement while your little micro- computer descendents start families } of their own.  See how simple it is!  The oracle knows all.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Root Beer is not made from Roots nor is it made from Beer.  Why is it > called "root beer" then?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}         Once upon a time in the primitive days of 1972 there was a } superuser on a primitive multi-user system.  He got really smashed. } Drunk as the Oracle on a slow day.  In a drunken stupor he erased all } the user accounts.  After that, he swore off drinking.  Instead of } alcoholic drinks he would quaff the soft drink known then as } sarsaparilla.  The custom spread to other sysadmins, so much so that the } drink was called "root beer".

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> if the sky fell in, would all birds be dead?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}     You are asking the wrong question.  What you really want to know is, } "If it actually *had* been a chunk of sky that fell on Chicken Little's } head, would the weight have bashed out her little brains?"

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why does my ex-girlfriend hate me, and can I fix it by applying peanut > butter to her cervix?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You little squirmy earthling!  Following the path of hate is a sign of } human uncertainty.  Your ex was suffering and did not know where to ask } for help, while you were planning your macho sexual harassment.  Women } do not care that much about having it; they want to SHARE it!  But you, } little bugger, want to HAVE your ex like a hamburger bun.  It is said } that conversation while making love is almost as good as fondling a } woman's brests and applying your fingers to her clitoris and vagina. } } In our infinite wisdom, We, the great electronic Oracle, shall grant you } one more chance to make it up with your ex.  Obeying your ex's secret } wishes will lead you two on the path of love and harmony.  But beware! } He who disobeys will have a peanut butter penis.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O, great Oracle, grant thou ignorant servant an answer > to his humble question. > What should the uncertainty principle in quantum mechanics tell me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ehh, well.  Uncertainty principle?  Actually, you know, as it were, or, } let me put it another way...  I think it kinda rests in its name: } _Uncertainty_ principle. } } It is imposible to know the answer.  That's it!  Ha ha.  I'm not } supposed to know this!             (That was a tricky one...) } } Regards, } Mr.  Orvil Racle