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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> WHAT DID MAT AND KIM ARGUE ABOUT?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Matt wants to have a sex-change operation so that he/she can wear nylons } in public and be called Matilda instead of Matt.  Kim is in love with } Matt and doesn't want him to have his balls cut off, etc.  Hence the } argument. } } Meanwhile, in sunny Rio, Jill is having her toes nibbled by the } mysterious Dr.  Alonzo, as her 12-year-old genius sister Emily is } working out a unified field theory in the next hotel room and feeding } stale cashews to the macaw.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How did sex get to be known as "screwing" when the male penis doesn't > even have threads?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What, your penis doesn't have threads?  What are you, a freak or } something?  Almost all male penises have threads!  Innocent little } child, where have you been hiding yourself?  You've never been in a } locker room?  You've never seen photographs of naked men?  You've never } read those tragic stories about star-crossed lovers whose threads didn't } run in compatible directions?  Don't you ever read anything?

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Do theoretical computer scientists get NP-hard-ons?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, because for the average computer geek, doing something about them } is an NP-hard (if not PSPACE-hard) problem, and hence intractable. } } You owe the Oracle a box of Kleenex and a copy of Garey and Johnson.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>         What will happen in  the learning center this year?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Certainly learning center's high point for the coming year will be } February 14, 1991.  Various SUNY faculty members and administrators will } be touring the center, discussing its facilities and so on.  Soon the } conversation will drift to politics, & especially to the need for U.S. } military cutbacks given the post-cold war political landscape. } Professor Zebrowski will begin lamenting the military's wastefulness. } "Do you realize those Pentagon guys pay up to $500 for A SINGLE SCREW!?" } he'll ask.  Ms.  Hantman will reply, "Oh, is that how much Jean } Kirkpatrick is charging these days?" All eleven people who hear this } remark will ignore it, except Professor Steinberg, who will kind of } snort.  The rest of the year will seem anticlimactic by comparison, } excepting perhaps the July 17th truck bomb.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, I could use some advice. > > We at the Central Intelligence Agency have for years actively done the > public relations thing and have tried to show our good side to > the American Public. However, recently we have been upstaged by the > KGB, who now have a daily Soviet television show "Meet the KGB" much > like our "FBI Most Wanted" program in the United States. It is like a > thousand points of light. > > Now I don't want to hear any sissies complaining. And not to make too > much of a short story, we feel both an obligation to do them one > better, but we must take a moral stand against appearances on Johnny > Carson and Oprah. How may we get around the publicity gap thing? >    --G.H.W.B.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} * BEEEEP You have reached the Oracle.  I'm sorry, but I'm out of it } right now so please leave your name and vital statistics at the tone and } I'll get back to you if you sound worthy of my 75' battering ram. } BEEEEEEPPP } } * are you there? } * sorry, I left it on after I got back from my smoke. } } > uh, I have a question. I'm from the CIA. } } * wanna hear me sing?? } } > uh } } * great } } > uh, um, my question? } } * shut up! I'm singing! } * See the little goblin, } * See his little feet. } * See his little nosy-wose, } * Isn't the goblin sweet? } * YES! } * you're supposed to say yes! } } > oh...sorry.. } } * Again! } * See the little goblin, } * See his little feet. } * See his little nosy-wose, } * Isn't the goblin sweet? } * YES!! } } > er..yes.. } > umm, how about my question...?.. } } * ohh wow......um.......well....like.... } * everyone like hates you guys....right? } } > err...yes..um..sort of.. } } * So build a huge big bridge....and kind of.....ummm......drive a whole } * lot of tanks....across it.....yeah.....then kill the....KGB...and the } * ..FBI......yeah.....that'd work.....wow....groovy....... } * you better.......um......I dunno.....oh right I got it......send me } * some of that.......Colombian...um....gold..that you guys have so..... } * wow.... much......of.......later...man... } *[click] } } >berrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Great and Mighty Oracle, whose terminal melts, and reassembles > please tell me: > > Is using LSD a Bad Idea(TM)?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, it's great, man!  Go ahead and use it, or peyote, or whatever } hallucinogen you can get.  The Oracle is tripping right now, and It's } just grown six pairs of multicolored tits, and soft furry tentacles } growing out of the graphics workstation are caressing them.  The giant } squid is smoking a cigar and explaining Kierkegaard to us all, including } the Munchkins who are biting off Dorothy's toes as she giggles in pain, } and the ghosts of Wagner and von Karajan and Max Schmeling and Dietrich } Buxtehude.  The Mormon Tabernacle choir is in the background, stark } naked, singing Palestrina masses, and Buxtehude and Wagner are listening } intently and not catching the stuff about Kierkegaard.  And this cobra } keeps snaking its way out of the Oracle's navel.  And there's Lisa, and } she's taking off all her clothes -- wow!  -- and now she's taking off } her skin to reveal that she's really Roseanne Barr in disguise, and } she's disgusting naked, and the Oracle is vomiting out Krugerrands, and } Roseanne's grabbed hold of the Oracle and she's trying to stuff It up } her c**t and

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, I had a similar situation happened to me once.  About 70 trillion } years ago, a lightning bolt struck the primordial ocean, sizzled a few } chemicals together, and created one of the first viruses.  Into that } virus flew my newly created spirit.  Not having anything to parasite on, } I floated for a few trillion years until a paramecium (one that would } later evolve into a real estate agent) swam by & I infected it. } Suddenly, 30 trillion years later, I was a plant in the middle of a } grass plain until a fire burnt me up.  And now, 40 trillion years later, } I've finally gone through all the stages of Hindu consciousness and am } now an Oracle, playing with your pathetic little minds. } } The moral of the story is, just because you don't exist is no reason to } start selling real estate.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have a stuffed cat my mother knit for me.  How do I make it come to > life, like they do in fairy tales?  I know some fairies, if that helps.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You are very lucky to have such a wonderful mother!  Your cat was } knitted from a very special yarn, indeed.  It was woven from the } fleece of the Upper Athabascan Spring-Tailed Yak by seven armless } Eskimo women.  This will make the process much simpler. } } 1)  Kill Sally Struthers.  Set the body aside to ferment. } } 2)  Form a pot large enough to contain your kitty out of red and white } Play-Doh.  Warning!  Do not mix the colors together to form pink!  It } should have a red-and-white mottled look. } } 3)  Melt twelve dozen regular condoms in a large bowl.  Do not use } condoms with spermicidal lubrication!  (Magnums may be used, use nine } dozen.)  Glaze the Play-Doh pot with this solution.  Bake at 208 } degrees Fahrenheit for 72 hours. } } 4)  Gut Sally.  Into her abdominal cavity, pour 2 gallons used film } developer, 50 grams of hallucinogenic mushrooms, 4 18 oz. boxes Cap'n } Crunch with Crunch Berries, 12 cups of espresso, and 16 live goldfish. } Mix throughly and let steep for 37 hours. } } 5)  Dump Sally mixture and knit kitty-cat into Play-Doh pot.  Seal } airtight with 106 layers of heavy-duty Saran-Wrap.  Pack it in a large } box and mail it to Saddam Hussein, Presidential Palace, Baghdad, Iraq. } In a mere 6 weeks, you will receive your cute, furry, cuddly, white, } 6-week-old Persian kitten. } } As you can see, fairies are not required.  Fairy dust can, however, } turn your kitten into a marmoset, if you're interested.  If not, send } those fairies packing! } } You owe The Oracle a pit bull and a starving child in Bangladesh.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do pigs fly when the moon turns blue? > exit > logout

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why fly pigs when the moon turns blue, } porcine helicopters, a haunting tableux } in the night, when the moon turns blue? } } Why ascends bacon when the lunar sphere weeps, } earthbound no more, in trajectory steep, } in the night, when the lunar sphere weeps? } } Why floats lard when night skies cry, } Sausage ascending, oinkers on high, } in the night, when the night skies cry? } } Why plummets the pork when the skies jubilate, } from heavens to pan, from pan to plate, } at breakfast time, when the skies jubilate? } } They fly in joy, ascend in levity, } float till--called to earth by gravity-- } they die, to give this verse some brevity. } }                                          Jimmy Dean.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is graduation for real, or is it a line of bullshit that they keep > feeding me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My dear friend, allow me to present you with the secrets of graduation. } } Surely you have friends who have graduated.  So you know that it must } happen.  However, like many others you believe that graduation is a } result of hard work and dedication.  WRONG! } } Ever see the Stanford class of '67 graduation pictures?  That's } Sylvester Stallone and Johnny Travolta.  No, they're not Stanford } alumni!  They're actors! } } 90% of each graduating class is composed of actors.  That's right.  Your } school, along with many other fine technical institutions, pretends to } have graduation.  They even bring in actors for the parents and } siblings.  The truth is, most universities are simply fronts for either } the US Government or some private industry.  But instead of paying you } $50,000 yearly, they "give" you $10,000 - plus tuition of course!  Boy, } it sure helps that someone is paying the extra $7,000 it might cost you } if you were taking the standard graduate load of one class. } } As long as you continue to work like a dog, they'll keep you there. } It's time to stand up for your rights.  March right in and see your } professor, and tell him you've uncovered their dirty little plot. } They'll pay you $50,000 in small unmarked bills to keep quiet and rush } you out the door with diploma in hand. } } You owe the Oracle a printing press and a stack of funny square hats.