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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the greatest donut?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The greatest donut is that donut which both lives the examined life and } has a creamy filling. } } You owe the Oracle a donut.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise, powerful Oracle, whose B.O.  could knock over a camel, whose > farts are more powerful than locomotive's breath, and whose trousers can > leap tall buildings with a single bound all while unoccupied, tell me: > >         Why do witches float like ducks?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah yes, that old misunderstanding again.  Well, time to sort it out, } once and for all : } } It is not true that `Witches float like ducks'. } } The _original_ phrase was `Witches like ducks'.  This has to do with the } nature of witches :  they are not at all, as is the general } misconception, evil creatures that cast spells on people just for the } fun of it, but really very sensitive people (mostly women, naturally -- } actually, there was a male witch once, but he left the craft after he } reportedly `felt he was frozen out by the other witches') who at least } try to live in harmony with nature, and not like the rest of us use } bulldozers to build houses.  Well, yes, they _do_ cast spells now and } then, and sometimes even not-so-nice ones, but generally only on people } they specifically dislike, and for good reasons, too.  Another myth } about witches has to do with black cats.  Yes, you just _know_ that all } witches keep a black cat, don't you?  Well, *bleep*, you're wrong. } Witches keep ducks.  And why ducks ?  you ask, wondering about such } strange behaviour.  Well, not strange, really - Have you ever seen the } size of a duck egg ?  Sure beats the hell out of chicken eggs.  And they } taste better, too.  So, the phrase `Witches like ducks' was coined, } because it was (and is) true.  Unfortunately, at one point in time, a } 17-year-old horny peasant boy with a bad sense of humor watched one of } the sexier neighbourhood witches swim in a lake one day, had a thought } (which, for him, was a rare occasion indeed) and rephrased the } expression as `Witches float like ducks', which was, by the way, } terrible wrong in most cases, considering that swimming was not seen as } common knowledge at the time, and that this particular witch had some } troule actually keeping her head above the water.  Moreover, history } tells us that named boy later tragically died when falling into said } lake after having been lifted there by a flock of angry ducks, which is } no mean feat, considering the shape of their feet. } } You owe the oracle a deck of tarot cards, a black cat, and three duck } eggs.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> do I believe in god?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} At last, a simple question! There are many ways to determine if } you believe in God. Note, this is not as difficult as the question } as to whether God actually exists, which is another matter entirely. } } Here are three easy steps: } } 1. Steal your friend's 1986 Jaguar and bring it home for some shop work. }    Clip the main strut which allows the emergency break to be set. Tie }    a cord to the brake fluid line so that a sharp jerk on the cord will }    rip out the line, effectively destroying your brakes. } }    Now, drive to the top of nearest, highest mountainside or cliff where }    the road takes hairpin turns. Jam the accelerator to the floor and }    zoom off downslope. Love that sound of the roaring and screeching! }    Man against machine on the dirt cliffside roads! When the speedometer }    needle hits the top, if you believe in God, yank the brake fluid }    line! } } 2. Using black market connections, get in touch with someone in the }    Irish Republican Army who can sell you Czechoslovakian-made semtex. }    You will have to rob a bank to pay for this. Carry fifty pounds of }    this high tech plastique in a backpack to the Empire State Building }    in New York City. You will have to wait in line for a few hours; }    bide your time. } }    If you have a gun and a small wad of explosive, you will be able to }    blow open the cage keeping people from jumping off. You'll need a }    small detonator of course - high impact or high temperature should do }    it. Take out several hundred feet of very old elastic cord, tie it to }    the elevator and to your ankles. Stand on the edge of the hole you }    made and look down, down, down. Consider whether the plastique would }    go off on impact were you to hit the ground. If you believe in God, }    jump. } } 3. If you lost your nerve and couldn't follow the first two steps, }    you are either a wimp or you do not believe in God. To get around }    the wimp possibility, there is a third and simpler way. } }    Buy a huge concert-quality stereo system. No, buy fifty of them. }    Buy a hundred search lights and hire men to move and assemble them. }    Tape record Led Zeppelin, ZZ Top, and other "distinctive" artists. }    Mix this in with simulated gunfire and explosions. Sit right on the }    border of Saudi Arabia and Kuwait, strapped to a high chair on a }    huge stage, set up to radiate intense 100 Megawatt radar pulses. }    Turn the volume all the way up. Savor the stillness of the desert }    night for a moment. If you believe in God, hit the play button and }    party on! } } You owe the Oracle a tape of the 1812 Overture.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> From your weather report for June 5th 2010, it sounds like us 'pommies' > will be having pretty typical weather for the time of year.. Oh well. > >    I have found a little (6-7" tall) Irishman with a little red beard >  and a black cap, smoking a dear little pipe in the back of my >  garden who has heard of you, and when I asked him, he offered to >  make you a set of pixie boots. My question is, What foot size are >  you ( English please as he's old fashioned and doesn't take other >  measurements ) > >   Please can you also tell me what size boots Lisa takes, as I am the >  founder member of the Universities & Polytechnic boot appreciation >  society. > >  English --> American translations. >  __________________________________ > > (back garden : lit translation : Back yard)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Finally!  I've been trying to locate a Leprechaun Footwear Ltd. sales } rep for years -- they've been exceedingly hard to reach ever since } they branched off into crop circles.  Tell the little fellow I really } admire their work, and not to worry about returning the weed-whackers. } Consider them a gift. } } They should still have our sizes on file, but just in case my shoe } size is Incomprensibly Vast--although maybe he should just send } Infinites since the Incomprehensibly Vasts pinch sometimes.  Lisa's } size is Astonishingly Diminutive Especially Given the Immensity of Her } Tits. } } Lisa would like another 5 pairs of Leprechaun Footwear Ltd. Item } #347A-662 (from the 1989 catalogue), the "Pink Leather Waders Lined } with Red Velvet Goose Down Quilting".  The other pairs were } wonderful--and very well made, I might add, although Lisa & I tend to } go through them pretty fast. } } I don't really need pixie boots, since I've been kind of inundated } with them lately.  Also, although I consider them very stylish and } comfy they have provoked the derision of a certain female friend of } mine.  Therefore, instead please send me Leprechaun Footwear Ltd. Item } #42857A-344N (from your 1974 catalogue), "Funky-Funky Starman } Shock-o-Delic Platform Moon Boots with with forty-two layer stacked } sole and ultra hi-top fully glitter-spangled leather uppers."  Tell } them to use their discretion on customization--maybe something like } the "Funk to Heaven in '77" boots that they did for Parliament a while } back, and also a titanium-reinforced toe would be nice (I believe Yuri } Andropov's pair had these). } } } P.S. As a kind of "starter kit" for a Universities & Polytechnic Boot } Appreciation Society Holy Shrine to the Footwear of Lisa, I am sending } the very toe-shoes Lisa wore during her wondrous "Dance of the Seven } Whales".

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      HI, MY NAME IS KHANH TRAN FROM A AND T UNIVERSITY.  I WOULD LIKE TO > KNOW WHAT WAS THE OFFICIAL U.S CENSUS COUNT FOR 1990.  IF YOU DON'T HAVE > EXACT COUNT NUMBER.PLEASE,JUST GIVE ME THE ESTIMATE NUMBER.THIS MESSAGE > FROM YOU IS VERY IMPORTANT FOR ASSIGNMENT.  HOPE TO GET YOUR ANSWER VERY > SOON. >                                           THANK YOU. >                                         KHANH TRAN.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Vell, zis whole Zensus Burrheau business stems from a bazic } misundershtanding of Physics.  Zey attempt to count ze number of persons } in each house in ze U.S.  But of course, as quantum physicists ve know } zat you cannot establish both ze position und ze velocity of a person at } ze same time.  And if you cannot establish ze velocity of a person in a } house, you cannot know whether he vill be in or out of ze house in the } next moment.  You can use statistical methods, of course, to arrive at a } figure for ze U.S.  as a whole. }         But ze fact of ze matter is, as I have demonstrated in my book, } _Probably Being There_, zere is in reality only one (1) American.  Ze } U.S.  can be viewed as a system whose quantum state consists of ze } probabilities of ze American being in each house at a given moment.  But } since ze census vas mailed, it is spread over time, und zo ze American } has a high probibility, for any house, of being in it at least vonce } during ze census. } } Kaufen Sie eine lowercase Keyboart!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> how do you catch the eye of a handsome young programmer?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}         With a butterfly net!!!!!!!!! } }         Or seriously....You are serious?  Well, there aren't that many } of then around.  And as programmers are notoriously difficult to } distract from their CRTs, I would suggest involving one in your } nefarious plot. }         The easiest way to catch his eye is to unplug his monitor.  Oh, } so, sorry.  I tripped over the cord.  Eyelashes batting and face getting } red.  Of course, if he was in the middle of something rather important, } like a Moria game, he might be more pissed-off than pleased.  So do not } try this unless you know the programmer in question rather well. } Knowing his programming style is a help in that.  Or getting hold of his } source code, i.e.  his mother. }         For the less desparate, or perhaps less courageous, there is } always the interactive features of the computer itself.  Sending him a } strange message is one way to get his attention, especially if he's in } the middle of inputting something in binary or hex.  And if he's in the } middle of frying an AMHD, he'll probably take his Holy Avenger } Zweihander to you instead.  Check what he's doing before you try it. }         For the truly faint of heart, there is always his mailbox. } Sending him a letter is one way to introduce yourself.  The problem is } that mail messages can be ignored.  Or dumped without being read.  Or } both.  And then there's the problem of not knowing his name and/or } username.  The best way to get around this? }         The direct approach.  Programmers, as much as they deny it, are } human too.  Move one hand in front of his eyes to see if anyone is } "home".  If not, come back later when he's awake and able to respond to } outside stimuli.  If he is aware of his surroundings, pull up a chair } and introduce yourself.  If he ignores you, sit in his lap.  If he still } ignores you, stop wasting your time and go hunt up a man someplace else. } This one isn't human. } }         SO THAT'S WHERE HENRY GOT TO!!!  WE LOST AN ANDROID PROGRAMMER A } FEW MONTHS BACK.  SOME CRETIN TOOK HIM IN FOR A TUNEUP, AND NEVER } BROUGHT HIM BACK!  FINALLY!!!!!!! } } You owe the Oracle Henry and a subcription to True Romance.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is there any truth to the rumor that all Nintendo's are programmed to > self-destruct a tiny C4 explosive this Christmas, thus enabling Nintendo > to release a new product for all kids to go out and blow a hundred bucks > on?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes!  It is true that Nintendo is plotting another brilliant marketing } strategy.  Here is how it works. } } 1)  On approximately Oct. 15, most cartridges have been preprogrammed }     to begin randomly ignoring signals from the little controllers, so }     customers will think they are defective. } } 2)  About a week later, a TV, radio, newspaper, and breakfast cereal }     blitz promoting their new $320 joypads will begin.  Kids are }     warned that not having one Xmas morning means certain nerd status }     and social failure. } } 3)  The new controllers will have tiny electrodes on the surface }     which are activated when the buttons are pressed.  These electrodes }     will send impulses to the conflict centers of the cerebral cortex }     rendering the player extremely susceptible to suggestion (ever see }     Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan?) } } 4)  About January 15, the cartridges will begin displaying subliminal }     messages in sync with the electrode impulses, such as "If you don't }     buy a new cartridge now, you will die," and "Spend lots of money on }     Nintendo products, or you will die" and "Send us a blank, signed }     check if you don't want to die a virgin." } } You owe the Oracle a Super Mario Bros. III cartridge.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> WHAT IS MY NAME?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} BIFF! HOW NICE TO HEAR FROM YOU. ALWAYS A PLEASURE. } } While you're here, could you please ask your friends playing THUMPER } in my driveway for a favor? Not that I mind their being there!! } Really, I enjoy the excitement and simple joy of this fun-loving } basketball game where the basketballs are replaced by huge kegs of beer. } Especially the drinking part. Everyobdy loves a good loud drinking } game at 4 in the morning. } } And those cracks in the driveway and crush damage to my car don't } really matter. Please don't get offended! I don't really mind having } my tulip garden used as the free-throw zone. So what's my small, teeny } little request? Well, a lot of the guys stumble over to the porch and } start logging Oracle requests on the terminal there, and well - } wouldn't it be best for everyone if they just kept their attention on } the game? I mean, what's the point of disturbing poor little me (not } that I mind)? Take last night's questions for example: } } > WE WANT MORE BEER } ---------- } } Please, feel free to take my car! There's a liquor store down } } the street. No problem. Remember, bring it back, ok? The car, I mean! } } > WHERE YOU HIDING IN DIS TV LITTLE MAN } ---------- } } I am the Usenet Oracle, and the terminal you are typing on is } } connected to the little box on the floor under the door. It is a } } computer. } } > I NO SEE NO MAN IN THIS FUNNY BOX } ---------- } } Hey, put that workstation down! Ow! Oh, hell, I seem to have gotten } } my processes stuck in here! Nice doggie. Down, boy! What am I saying? } } > HEY BART WATCH THIS - PLAY THUMPER WITH FUNNY TV AND BOX! } ---------- } } Grep! Awk! Look, this is very important. Pay attention, and do what I } } say.  First reconnect the primary ethernet cable, and reconnect hard } } drive #2, and punch in the lost assembly code for reconnect. I'll } } dictate to you.  Then we'll reboot and sync our disks - do you program } } in UNIX, I hope? } } > THUMP! THUMP! CRASH!! THUMP! THUMP! SCORE!!!! RAH RAH RAH!!! DRINK!!!! } > THUMP! THUMP! THUMP! CRACK! (oraclebox not responding still trying) } > (oraclebox not responding still trying) (core dump) (segmentation } > fault) } --------- } } Good morning, Doctor Chandra. I'm ready for my first lesson. <urp> } } EOF } } Fortunately my primary process was somewhere else! Recovering that } part of my personality took hours and I still have a hangover... } } You owe the Oracle extra-strength Excedrin, version 4.1a_beta.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is it that the meat products on sale at gas stations are never out > of date, but you never see anyone buying, let alone eating them?  (eg: > "The Sausage Roll" here in the UK).  Does a little man from the > meat-rendering factory come round and slip off the packaging and replace > it with one with another month on the Eat-By date?  Or does the moon > have some effect on this, silently clocking the Eat-By code around like > a taxi meter once every 28 days?.  Or is it all together something more > sinister, like time standing still in enamelled chill cabinets which > smell of diesel?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} All of your explanations are pretty inane, but none are as inane as } the truth.  Unfortunately I am not permitted to reveal the truth about } this particular phenomenon.  However, here is an excerpt from "The } Timetables of History", compiled in the year 2875 by one Reebo of } Zeldeban: } }   33)   Late 10th century.  A man called Bozo briefly rules France. } }   34)   1307.  A glowing disk crashes into the North Sea. } }   35)   1314.  The Knights Templars are apparently persecuted }         out of existence. } }   36)   1888.  Easter Island annexed by Chile. } }   37)   Mid 1970's.   "Abba" becomes the most popular musical group }         in recorded history.  Offshore drilling begins in the North }         Sea. } }   38)   Late 1970's.  The shelf life of sausage rolls in British gas }         stations becomes apparently limitless. } }   39)   Early 1980's.  Popularity of "Abba" declines. } }   40)   1990.  The Usenet Oracle is asked about (38).  Answer unkown. } }   41)   1997.  President Quayle announces allegiance to Knights }         Templars.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I don't think so.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       I don't think so. } }       I don't think, so I am not. } }       I think so, therefore I am not. } }       Am so. } }       Am not. } }       So. } }       Not. } }       I think not, therefore I am so. } }       So I don't think. } }       I don't think so ... } } [Excerpted from Rene Descartes, _The_Notebooks_, 1632.]