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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>    Why do we have to pay so much tuition to attend college?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually institutions of higher learning have striven to cultivate an } academic lifestyle revolving around long periods of mind-numbing study } interspersed with heavy drinking sessions to prevent the students from } asking precisely that question.  So, go tell it to the Dean of } Students and he'll give you a free case of Smirnoffs! } } Oracular Riddle:  What's the difference between a Dean of Students } and ripe cheese? } } Oracular Solution:  One is covered with mold and gives off a foul } odor, & the other goes great with crackers.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hello Mr.  Oracle.  We here a Nerds University are holding a little > contest to get extra credit in English class. > > We are sending you 6,000 copies of the same question to test > scientifically the output level of your humor.  We are doing the same > thing to Henry Cate III as a control variable.  Each reponse to our > question will be graded on humor, style, content, and of course the > bathing suit competition. > > Here is the question [drum roll]: > > How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? > > You have two days to consider your answer.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What, you mean Henry Cate III, the Xerox Original? } } He just recycles his humor over the net every year.  Didn't you know? } } Seriously, though, let's go over to the wood shop and take a look... } } Oracle: So, I see a lot of woodchucks around here. } } Guy in Safety Goggles: Yeah, that's Larry over there on the band saw. }      You see Chet there over on the disk sander.  They're some of our }      most productive craftsmen, too, let me tall ya. } } O: I'm very impressed. } } GiSG: Most people are.  They're good at using found objects in nature; }      you know, driftwood, underbrush, and, of course, chestnuts for }      stain. } } O: I guess you hear that "tongue-twister" joke question a lot, don't }      you? } } GiSG: Oh, you mean about woodchucks chucking wood?  Heh.  Yeah.  But you }      know, they really have a hard time just chucking things.  I'll say, }      "hey, Carl, it's trash!  Get rid of it!"  But then he looks at it }      and says: "Nooo, nooo...  I can do something with this...  Just }      look at this shape and that texture.  I'm sure I can do something }      with this."

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the TRUE meaning of life?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Arg!  Do you people never have original questions, O snivelling mortal? } I've posted my opinion on this one too many times to count.  Lets have } someone else's view: } >sticks head out window< } Odiferous Oracle: Hey! What's the TRUE meaning of life?! } Nun: (pious frigidus) Life is being and becoming a part of God. When we } truly become one with Him, life ends and our reward is served. } Business Man: (stress attackitus) Life is working hard for a good days } pay and beating the opposition hands down. } Yuppie: (clothes designicus) Life is the latest in good music, clothes } and a Mazarati X-67. } New Kids Fans: (pre-pubescicus) Life is having HIM look at me! <swoon> } Overexerted Oracle:  (truly omniscient) No, no, no, no, no, NO, *NO!!!*. } No wonder I usually answer this myself.  Ok, one more time people: } Life, its true purpose, meaning and fulfillment is:  A link to the net, } a tv larger than the wall, a never-ending cash-flow, and mail from your } net.lover. } } 'Scuse me, I have to go check my mail.  You owe the Oracle a certain } Monty Python tape and a hot romance.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please may I have a 5-line .signature for my news articles?  Please > please?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Not if you want to follow etiquette rules. } } You owe the oracle a long apology, quoting vociferously from several } sources. } } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ }  OOO   RRRR     A     CCC   L      EEEEE  "If you heard it here, it has } O   O  R   R   A A   C   C  L      E       to be GOOD." -- Smuckers } O   O  RRRR   AAAAA  C      L      EEE } O   O  R  R   A   A  C   C  L      E      oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu }  OOO   R   R  A   A   CCC   LLLLL  EEEEE } } AT&T:   1-(800)-555-1212      BITNET:  oracle%iuvax.cs.indana.edu@BITNIC } Snail:  George Herbert Walker Bush  QuackNet:  <honk> <quack> <oracle> }         1600 Pennsylvania Ave. }         Washington, DC  20011 } } "Be all you can be, become a Jello wrestler" -- Joan Crawford } ------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> `   1   2   3   4   5   6   7   8   9   0   -  =   del > tab   q   w   e   r   t   y   u   i   o   p   [  ]  <cr> > ctl lock a   s   d   f   g   h   j   k   l   ;   '   \ > shift  <   z   x   c   v   b   n   m   ,   .   /  shift

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Assuming you've recovered by now, what was that you were drinking and } where can I get some of that?  I mean, not even a Gargle Blaster } supresses creativity that much...

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the best way to stand on your head in a bucket of tar?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's nice that some folks out there still have a certain zest for } adventure. } } Presumably we're not dealing with boring old bucket of cold solid tar, } in which case you could just place your head on the surface of the tar, } grasp the edges of the bucket and, if you're in good shape and have a } fair sense of balance, do a normal headtand.  That's not very } interesting is it? } } No, your goal is to do a headstand with your head immersed in a bucket } of hot, steaming, noxious-smelling *molten* tar.  Now although you're } very brave and adventurous, even you are not capable of plunging your } head into the black, viscous substance and doing a normal handstand. } The instant your head is immersed in the stuff you will experience } unbelievable pain which will cause a complete loss of motor control, and } you'll turn into a flailing ninny, which is hardly an achievement. } } So you'll need a couple of friends.  They should tie you up first, and } probably give you a powerful sedative of some kind.  This is because as } things proceed you will probably lose interest in the project, and could } end up making their tasks very difficult. } } Anyway, you, bound and sedated, kneel before the bucket of tar.  You } plunge your head into the bucket, maybe with the help of your friend if } you're losing interest at this point.  Meanwhile, the second friend has } slung a rope through a pulley which is bolted to the ceiling, and tied } one end of the rope to your feet.  That friend now pulls on the rope, } hoisting you upwards by the feet.  You are now doing a headstand with } your head in a bucket of tar!  Or actually you're hanging from the } ceiling with your head suspended in a bucket of tar, but that's close } enough I think.  Congratulations!  Now all three of you can bask in the } glory of your unique achievement -- or rather your two friends can, } because -- well, you're dead.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> WHY OH WHY CAN'T DOGS FLY?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}            "Why Oh Why Can't Dogs Fly" } }                         by } }                     The Oracle } } }               Hell I tried to }               neuter my bloodhound }               Bernie with some hedge }               clippers once and }               he flew pretty good.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Did I say an orange? Silly me. > I meant an orang-utan.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Waiter:  Your orange, ma'am. } } Diner: Did I say an orange?  Silly me.  I meant an orang-utan. } } Waiter: Ah, a common mistake ma'am.  Unfortunately I'm afraid we're } fresh out of Orangutan, but would you like to see our primate list? } } Diner: Please. } } Waiter: Here you are. } } D: Thank you.  Oh my!  This looks marvelous!  You know, I was very sorry } about the budget cuts of course, but they've certainly made visiting } the zoo a ... culinary safari! } } W: Well put ma'am. } } D: Hmmm ... the Madagascar Gibbon looks interesting ... } } W: It's very good ma'am.  Also, have you had our Batter-fried } Mandrill? } } D: No I haven't ... it sounds tempting ... but actually, I'll just } have the Jane Goodall special.  My diet you know. } } W: Excellent choice ma'am. } } [WAITER goes into kitchen.] } } W: Hey Tony -- bludgeon a chimp!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, whose fame is famous and whose strength is strong, > > You occasionally delegate a question-answering job to me. However, I > have received no guidelines for question-answering. Please tell me the > expectations as well as the benefit/reward system involved. I also > have a number of questions about health insurance, fringe benefits, > and stock, but those can wait. Thank you, omniscient one.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} MM>s }   To: oracle-people@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu }   cc: }   Subject:  Question Concerning the Underlying Philosophy of the Oracle }   Message } } Dear Oracle-people, } } Attached is a question I recently received.  I think this person wants } more than the "wise and witty answer" suggestion found in the oracle } help file -- I think he really wants an incisive account of the } underlying philosophy and obligations associated with Oracular } correspondence.  I find his concern extremely encouraging, given the } recent decline in the quality of Oracular correspondence. } } Thanks very much for you prompt attention to this matter.  I'll } include your comments in my reply. } } } Insert file:  good.question } [OK] } } S>s } MM> } MM>ch }    35) The "Treatise Concerning the Underlying Philosophy and }        Obligations of Oracular Correspondence" file you requested. } MM>r 35 } From oracle-pipple@iuvax.bs.indochina.eggo Mon Oct 42 53:49:46 1632 } Flags: 33333.2 } Return-Path: <oracle-folk@hoover.cs.india.edam> } Received: from iuvox.cs.pembroke.edu by hepcat@cs.institution.edu }       (2.99/FBI) id BC444; Wed, 10 Oct 60 13:49:43 ESP } Message-Id: <24994.CUM455@cs.noble.institution.edu> } Received: by iuvex.bb.indianhead.into } Date: Man, 17 Ect 33 12:02:21 } From: Oracle Land <oracleheh@iuvax.in.diana.limbo> } To: oracle-loose@iuvax.cs.indochina.oddbo } Subject:  The "Treatise Concerning the Underlying Philosophy and }           Obligations of Oracular Correspondence" file you requested. } Reply to:  don@t.bother } } Just answer the fucking questions. } } MM>q } $

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Last week, as were were approaching Rotterdam with a cargo of herring > and Spanish silver (the silver being courtesy of English privateers, > who gave it in exchange for herring and fresh water off the coast of > Greenland), she began taking in water at an alarming rate.  We made it > into port, god be thanked (as we were but a few leagues out when this > happened), but clearly she needs major repairs -- the timbers in her > bottom are almost rotted out, her keel should probably be replaced, > and perhaps the rudder too. > > Let me introduce myself, by the way.  I am the captain of the "Lady > Gwen", a fine (or so I had thought!) clinker-built cog of Dutch make. > (Needless to say I'm surprised that a dutch-built cog should be so > poorly built, for 'tis but 22 years since the Gwen's first voyage.) > Jan Schulter, a provisioner from Utrecht, suggested I contact you; he > praised you as a most superior Oracle whose advice is always sober, > respectable, and free of charge.  I place great store in Jan's > opinion's. > > But back to my problem.  Now, perhaps I can raise money for repairs (I > know a tobacco merchant named Reuter who, kind-hearted fool that he > is, will perhaps lend to me on favorable terms), yet there's no chance > my crew will loiter in Rotterdam until repairs are complete, when so > many ships sit idle here for want of crews!  In theory I could lure a > crew from among the Java merchantmen by offering exhorbitant pay (the > Java merchants always have full crews on hand, they being rich enough > to pay their crews to be idle no matter how long they wait in port), > but that would cost me so dear any voyage I make would only sink me > deeper into debt.  So, even after repairs are complete I shall remain > in port, my debts piling up -- I cannot even pay the interest, Oracle! > And my creditors are already hounding me, and if remain here they will > surely press charges, landing me squarely in debtors' prison-- yet how > could I abandon my ship, my home -- all I value -- and where could I > go?  You see my dilemma, Oracle -- I fear I'm up the shit canal sans > bargepole!  What shall I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sober, respectable, FREE OF CHARGE?!!?!?  I shall have to speak to this } Jan Schulter.  As to your trifling difficulty, I suggest consulting the } local 'pnaman' - he will provide you with a quick, effective, thought } unguaranteed repair to your ship in exchange for a mere 50% of your } soul.  Failing this, and this I garner from your wording that stealing } is not an option, I suggest releasing the virulent disease 'twang'nolvat } (plaid fever) in the community.  Soon those exhorbitantly priced Java } merchant men will be begging to serve on your ship and most of your } creditors will have written you off - or been written off.  Of course } you will have to obtain a good supply of nrangen tealeaves before } effecting this (well known as proof against any plague and with very few } side-effects noticable within six years). } } You owe the oracle a case of smoked herring - sans bones.