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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle whose flanges fit all grooves, one of the elders addressed > me, saying, "Who are these clothed in white robes, and whence have > they come?"  I don't know what to tell him.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Gentle supplicant, tell them this: } } "This is Drs Smith, Anderson and Gutherie.  They are from } the Rubrik Clinic for the Mentally "Challenged".  They've } come so we can share with them the mysteries of USENET that } we have uncovered.  I have also mentioned to them about the } unicorn that lives in the bottom of the garden, and } explained that we have started learning Lithuanian so we can } understand what mosquitoes are saying.  Now gentlemen, if } you can stand still while they take our measurements, they } will vest us with the long-sleeved, back-fastening garments } that will signify that we are priest of the USENET Oracle." } } And remember: don't count your boobies before they're } hatched. } } You owe the Oracle a quiet chat and a lifetimes supply of } lithium.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> There are three cranes outside my window on a building site. The > building work on the site is progressing, and the new buildings are > going up all right, but I never see the cranes move at all. > How come?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Those structures are, in fact, not cranes at all, but } neo-anarcho-chromistic works of art by the two post-plasticist Danish } artist brothers, Wollmar and Soeren Strauss.  With the exception of some } distastrous attempts in the field of live cod sculpture in Narvik, } Norway, this is their first joint effort.  Wollmar are the most widely } known of the two, with a back log of such fine items as 'unpainted brick } wall in thunderstorm' in Moggio, France, and 'several vomiting heavy } metal musicians' a spontaneous collage created at the Reading Festival, } UK 1987, not to mention his series of expressionistic wall clocks in } cast iron, stained glass and elm.  Soeren, albeit being the more } productive one, has attracted less attention, despite his marvellous } multi-med creations such as '200 wooden aspirin tablets in white room' } and 'the dancing fawn', the latter illustrating a fawn that dances. } This current project of theirs, which you are witnessing every day, are } to be named 'several butcher's aprons', a most appropriate name for such } a breath- taking design. } } The buildings themselves are constructed by osmosis, secretly absorbing } bricks and concrete from the neighboring houses, so watch your head. } } You owe the Oracle seven cans of cerise paint.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your question is a little tentative. Wondering if the Oracle might } be too haughty? Don't be shy. Meanwhile, here's our standard junkmail } insert. } -------------- } Section One: Capitalism. } }     WIN! WIN! WIN! *** TEN MILLION DOLLAR GIVEAWAY *** WIN! WIN! WIN! } } That's right, you, USENET ORACLE, could be the proud owner of TEN } MILLION DOLLARS if you win our Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes!! } Imagine what it would be like to never care about money! Travel wherever } you like and buy a big fancy car! Capitalism at its best! } } All your friends, USENET, will say you're the big star of INDIANA, } when we announce the USENET ORACLE TEN MILLION on TV following the } Johnny Carson show. Just watch for me, Ed McMahon, on NBC! And buy } magazines! } -------------- } Section Two: Communism. } }     WIN! WIN! WIN! *** TEN MILLION CHICKENS GIVEAWAY *** WIN! WIN! WIN! } } Comrade USENET ORACLE, will you not give to the state your extra time } and devotion? The party knows what is best for the people, and we need } you to work extra hard. We will be giving chickens away to those factory } workers who are willing to also be farmers for the state. All your } friends, Comrade ORACLE, will take pride in your aid to the state! } -------------- } Section Three: Iraqism. } }     WIN! WIN! WIN! *** TEN MILLION HOMES GIVEAWAY *** WIN! WIN! WIN! } } Mr. ORACLE USENET, as a registered citizen of Iraq you are entitled to } a 15 acre plot of land in beautiful downtown Kuwait. Why not settle } there now, friend ORACLE? In fact, if you act RIGHT NOW, before } MIDNITE TONITE, we'll even name a whole town after you and your } family. Why, everyone will be coming to visit and shop in TOWN USENET, } the hometown of ORACLE USENET!! } } Offer invalid where prohibited by attacking foreign troops.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> OH ORACLE, OH ORACLE . A QUERY TO MY SELFLISH QUESTION I DO WISH TO ASK > YOU. WHAT IS THE QUANTUM PARSEC FOR THE THIRD BLACK SUN LOCATED IN THE > UNIVERSE PARALELL TO OUR SUN FROM THE NORTH POLE OF SAME(OUR SUN)?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} How many times must the grad students beg }   Before they receive a degree? } How many times must a standard be set }   Before IBM will agree? } The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind. }   The answer is blowin' in the wind. } } What does a flag do on a flagpole }   When it's not too still for a breeze? } What is it called when into a gale }   A huge man lets loose a big sneeze? } The answer, my friend, is "blowin' in the wind". }   The answer is "blowin' in the wind". } } Who put the catch in the catch twenty-two }   And ram in the ram lam ding dong? } Why does Hussein dress up in women's clothes }   And play shuffleboard and ping pong? } The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind. }   The answer is blowin' in the wind. } } The parallel universe you refer to is inhabited by strange beings. } It is the Universe of the Peter, Paul, and Mary Clones. In this universe } the answer to every question is either "blowin' in the wind" or "long } time ago". Makes the Usenet Oracle a little repetitive over there...

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, psychologist makes passes at me and keeps lurking around my > house. My dentist chuckles and drills into the wrong places > intentionally! My pharmicist calls me "stupid" and adds hallucinagens > to my aspirin subsitute. And now my doctor tells me that I need my > heart and kidneys removed and replaced with Artificial SPAM! I want > a second opinion! What's your prognosis?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well Dr. Brenner, Dr. Reynolds here thinks the lady should be gutted } and stuffed with spam.  Can you give her a second opinion? } } Okay.  You need to be stuffed and gutted, and your kids are ugly.  Dr. } Chang? } } Your kids are ugly, and you need a colostomy bag that matches your } purse.  Dr. Mitchell? } } Definetly a colostomy bag, but get rid of that dress.  You look like a } geisha nun.  Dr. Benveniste? } } Very much like a geisha nun, and your marinara sauce tastes like motor } oil.  Dr. Oba? } } It sure does Tony, now stop bothering the Oracle.  Dr. Oracle? } } I second that opinion.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      I've been puzzling over this dilemma.  Once I went into a restroom > to wash my hands.  When I finished I looked and saw one of those > electric hand dryers.  Well, on the front of the dryer was a little > plaque stating: > >          For your convenience, this establishment has installed >          electric hand dryers.  This quick, sanitary method >          reduces the dangers of hand chapping, and the danger >          of the spreading of disease due to paper towel waste. > > "This is a good thing", I thought.  "I didn't even know that I was in > danger from paper towel waste, and this establishment has thoughtfully > taken decisive action to protect me!" > > Well, imagine my shock when I went into a gas station rest room a week > later, and saw that the establishment *DID NOT HAVE ELECTRIC HAND > DRYERS!* Immediately my pulse rate shot up, beads of sweat dripped from > my armpits as I stared at the *DEADLY TRASH CAN FILLED WITH DISEASE > RIDDEN PAPER TOWEL WASTE!!* > > Well, I acted quickly, and decided on a quick, foolproof method of > eliminating the paper-towel menace.  I ran out to my car, dug through > the piles of trash in the back seat, and located an old Hardees cup.  I > went out and filled the cup with super unleaded from the nozzle, went > back into the restroom, and holding my breath to avoid being attacked by > germs from the *PAPER TOWEL WASTE*, I poured the gasoline over the used > paper towels, propped open the door, threw a match into the trash can, > and ran. > > Well, I'm pretty sure that I was successful in eliminating the menace of > *DISEASE RIDDEN PAPER TOWELS* from that particular restroom, my approach > did seem to be, well, a bit of an overkill.  Even more disturbingly, I > recently read an article that said that the whole business of the > warning plaque on electric warm-air hand dryers is, well, a lot of hot > air.  Now I am having doubts over whether or not I did the right thing. > Please, most wise oracle, offer counsel and guidance.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Do you ever get the urge to SAVE SODA CAN TABS FOR KIDNEY TRANSPLANTS? } Do you believe that THE LITTLE MERMAID is a classic?  Do you really } believe people drink Diet Coke JUST FOR THE TASTE OF IT?  Do you believe } that DISPOSABLE PAPER TOWELS CAUSE DISEASE?? } } You use paper towels to dry your hands AFTER washing, right?  So how } much dirt and grime could there be on them?  If I were you, I'd worry } about the handles of the sink and the toilet seats.  Don't get pregnant! } } Sad, but true:  humans, like computers, can get viruses.  The simplest } form of virus attacks you through the eyes.  Unsuspecting, you are } drying your hands and then suddenly you glance down and it says: } }         Thank goodness you are using an electric hand dryer! }         Our paper towel competitors are trying to murder you! }         The alternative to holding your hands under this weak }         nozzle and eventually giving up in disgust and wiping }         them on your pants is an agonizing illness and death!! } } This virus takes control of your thought centers, and leaps into your } brain because of the "if it's printed it must be true" rule.  You see it } in print, and therefore you not only read it, you believe it.  Anyone } can post to sci.space with a JPL signature, whether or not they work } there. } } I once had this disease.  It causes nervous twitches.  You start looking } over your shoulder.  YOU START TAKING ROSEANNE BARR SERIOUSLY AND } IMITATING HER!!!!  The only solution is to go to a professional printer, } and have the following text printed on premium bond paper and bound into } an academic and official-looking book, like the Bible. } }         "You'll die unless you give the Usenet Oracle all your }          money, access to your system, and your sister." } } The Oracle has caught you hypnotized and you cannot stop reading this } sentence until you come to the very end!!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> what is todays date

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Today's date is not the date of old, for the date of old is the sweet } dry fruit of which the dust-encrusted Araby merchant partakes when his } great caravan ceases for a time its wearying task of transporting to } the Christian lands incense, carpets, silks, and those spices which } are the envy of the Venetians, as well as other rare and wondrous } treasures from beyond the Empire of the Great Mogul, to pause briefly } at the oasis miraculously appearing in the midst this most parched and } scorching nether region of the Sultan's realm, and tether beneath the } tall palm that bears the sweet dry fruit the camel, which though still } standing with eyes half-closed in pleasure following the unexpected } luxury of rest and water, now grows dimly restive and annoyed as } awareness of its bothersome fleabights increases with the vanishing of } toil, and so prepares to vomit bile upon the obnoxious Indian boy who } torments it with a horsehair whisk, whereas today's date is 10/11/90.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O most omniscient of omnisciators, > In the game of 'Holy Dido' is it best to try and advance yourself in the > seating of the brotherhood or to maintain your status quo (especially if > you happen to have a comfortable chair currently) > > Brother number four.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Bad move bro.  Look at the rules again: } }         ... and thus the player's fate, yea, whether that player }       shall live or shall die, will be decided by spinning the }       spinner. } }               22.13.4A. And woe to the player who doth sit him down }       in the comfy chair, for that player shall be shunned by all }       the players, yea, and by all brothers that do walk upon the }       earth, for the Shriners and Freemasons shall shun him, and the }       Templars and Hospitalers shall shun him, and the Rosicrucians, }       the Elks and the Mooses shall shun him utterly, and all other }       associations whose members don the fez shall shun him, and }       Menuedo shall shun that player with great rigour, and the }       Pistons and Bruins shall shun him, and so all brotherhoods, }       sects, clubs, confraternities, and all the other loose }       groupings of males whatsoever shall shun him utterly, yea, }       even as they shun the loathesome Corgie, and great shall be }       the shunning of that player, for the brother who hath sat of }       the comfy chair must walk the earth an outcast among brothers }       and shall lose the game utterly, and great shall be the }       losing thereof, for so it is written in the rules. } } } The Oracle shuns you.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How many Purity Tests could a UseNetter post > if a UseNetter could find its ass in broad daylight?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's an easy one! } } There was version 1, but a Usenetter couldn't post that one because }   nobody's ever seen it. } Then we skipped on to version 4. Then 4a, 4b, and 4S (for Sonja). } Now purity tests are being independently developed by several people, }   so we have versions 5, 5.1, 5.1a, "Q", and 13 other variations. } Then there was the homosexual purity test, the bisexual purity test, }   and the asexual purity test. } Then there was the version for virgins only. } Then the version for dead people. } Then the CD-ROM version; and the video version (with illustrations). } Then it was translated into 47 different languages, including Latin. } Rumor has it that it has been encoded in the message that NASA is }   been beaming out into outer space at any other life forms bored }   enough to listen. } Then it was decided that the purity test was racist, so now there }   are versions for African-Americans, Jews, Polish-Americans, }   Italian-Americans, American Indians, plus one with blanks to }   fill in for any oppressed minority. } There is a closed-captioned version (for the hearing impaired) and }   of course the braille version. } David Duke made up his own version, with only one question: }   "Do you like blacks?"  (He had a perfect score) } Saddam Hussein purportedly invaded Kuwait to score better on the }   terrorist version. (he's got to catch up with Khomeini) } And George Bush made his own version by adding the questions "Have }   you ever eaten broccoli? With a member of the opposite sex? Without }   any clothes on? While near-war was going on on the other side of the }   world?" } Finally, there is a BIFF version. } } If you are asking, then, how many DIFFERENT purity tests a Usenetter } could post if a Usenetter could find its ass in broad daylight, } as you can see the answer is 173. } } However, the question that Miss Manners knows you meant to ask was } "What did Miss Manners score on the purity test?" } } All Oracles score 100% purity on the Oracle purity test. } } You owe the Oracle one night of trying to lower your score on the } purity test with the Oracle's friends and Miss Manners.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, I perceive you are a bit nervous, shy one.  Let me relax you with } a story. } } One fine spring day a young girl wearing a yellow summer frock was } walking her cocker spaniel through Hyde Park in London.  Suddenly her } little dog saw a cat in the distance and, slipping its leash, went } dashing down the path in pursuit.  "Oh help me, help me!" cried the } little girl.  "My dog is running away!  Somebody save my dog!"  An old } gentleman in tweed heard the girl's cry, and with surprising agility } intercepted the spaniel, which he caught and returned to the girl. } } "Oh thank you sir!  Thank you ever so much for saving my dog," said } the little girl, tears streaming down her face.  "I don't know what I } would do without him.  Oh, how can I ever repay you?" } } "There there, don't cry little girl," said the man, "You needn't repay } me I assure you, it was my pleasure entirely.  Not to worry.  Tell me } little girl, what's your name?" } } "My name?  My name is ... Rose Petal." } } "Rose Petal..." repeated the man dreamily.  "Why, that is the most } beautiful name I have ever heard.  Tell me ... Rose Petal, how did } you ever get such a beautiful name?" } } "Well, one day long ago, when I was a very, very little girl, I was } lying in my crib and the window was open, and a breeze blew in, and a } and a single rose petal floated down and landed on my tummy.  And when } nanny came in and saw the rose petal on my tummy, she thought it was } the most beautiful thing she had ever seen, and she went to get mummy, } and soon mummy and daddy and everybody were standing around my crib, } and there I was with the single rose petal on my tummy, and they all } thought it was so beautiful, and ever since that day I have been } called ... Rose Petal." } } "Oh my ...  why ... that is the most beautifal story I have ever heard } in all my life," replied the man, deeply moved.  "Tell me ... Rose } Petal, what's your dog's name?" } } "My dog?  Why, my dog is called Piggie." } } "Piggie?  Why, that's an odd name for a dog.  How did your dog come to } be called Piggie?" } } "He fucks pigs."