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} Hmmm. That's a toughie. After consideration, I would say that
} it is probably a better financial decision to do it yourself. It's
} what I do.
}
} This is what you need:
}
} Home Surgery from Time Life Books (call
} 1-800-OHH-BABY, and order it now, before
} supplies run out. Otherwise you may have
} to do this by trial and error)
} Various Power tools (Black and Decker are best. They
} are easiest to get the bloodstains off of.)
} Surgical clothes (Just so you can look like you know
} what you are doing. I especially like
} wearing those nifty surgical masks. If you
} can't get one of those, then you might as well
} give up. It's not worth it unless you can
} wear a mask.)
} Concerned Relatives (To wait out in the hall and ask
} how you're doing, if you're going to make it,
} where the candy machines are, etc. If you
} don't have any of these, you can probably pick
} some up off the street for minimal charge.)
} A Candy Bar (just because they're good, and if you
} screw up, you can eat it and think about how
} things aren't as bad as they seem. After all,
} you got to eat a candy bar.)
}
} Anyway, after you've got all this, take it home, and put it
} all in a big vat of water and boil it until it's sterile. If you
} don't want to do this, then just neuter all of it, and it'll have
} about the same effect, except the things won't be able to even perform
} the act, let alone have any kids because of it.
} Now, take everything up to your operating room. This room
} should be painted in the worst possible combination of green and white
} possible, and floored with dingy colored tile. If you don't do this,
} it isn't an operating room, and anything could happen.
} Lay out all the tools on nifty trays with wheels, and cover
} them with green sheets. White or blue sheets won't work, because if
} they did, I'm sure hospitals would use them a lot more.
} Now you're ready to start. Walk in, greet yourself, tell
} yourself that you are the doctor, that this operation is simple, and
} that everything is going to go fine. Introduce yourself to yourself,
} who will be assisting, and your other self, who will be the
} anesthesiologist. Then, as the anesthesiologist, begin to talk to the
} patient (you), and start giving yourself the gas. Be very careful to
} give the patient (yes, still you) enough that you (the patient) no
} longer notice the pain (so that you, the doctor) can operate without
} causing you (the patient) discomfort. This is tricky, since you (the
} anesthesiologist) must leave yourself (the patient) awake enough that
} you (the doctor) can perform the operation on you (the patient) with
} the help of you (the nurse) and you (the technician).
} (Hmmm. Disregard the above requirement for worried relatives. You
} can do that too.)
} This is where you (the doctor) take over. Read the book's run
} down of the operation you are performing, and begin. Since I am not a
} doctor (you are) I will offer no more advice as I do not want to be
} sued by you (the patient) for malpractice, as I have heard that you
} are also a great lawer, and probably the judge.
} After the operation is completed, you (the doctor) should go
} outside the operating room, and assure you (the worried relatives)
} that you (the patient) are okay. You (the doctor) can then go play
} some golf, and think about how much money you plan to charge yourself
} (the patient) for the operation.
} You (the nurse) should then wheel you (the patient) to the
} recovery room, where you (the patient) should rest quietly, until you
} are ready to go home. (Where you already are, but that's just a minor
} technicality.)
}
} You (the patient, the doctor, the nurse, the technician, the
} lawer, the judge, the worried relatives) owe The Oracle the candy bar,
} since the operation was a success, and you don't need it.
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