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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Mighty Oracle, > One of my friends yesterday loudly proclaimed: > "The Usenet Oracle is a geek" > and was not struck by lightning or anything! Are you really > a geek, or what's the deal here??!?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What! } Obviously a daemon is down.  Let's check: } } oraclevax %> rlogin pearlygates.heaven.com }  Last login: Fri Feb 9 14:43:37 from oraclevax.oracle.com }  SunOS 3.5.1 } =============================================================== } Welcome to PearlyGates!! } Alleleuia! Alleleuia! Alleleuia! } New news: IBM has been damned by Him. This is only on a trial basis, } to see if Hell will run better on the new machines. } New news: Jim Henson will be doing a new puppet show at 8:00, Nov 1st., } In the opal ballroom.  Formal attire will not be required, and there } will be punch and cookies after the show.  No spiking the punch this } time. } =============================================================== }  You have mail. }  Your terminal type is now xterms }  It is now Tue Feb 13 22:17:43 EST 1990 }  pearlygates %> fs checkdaemon } The following oracular daemons are down: } common.sence  (down since Oct 31, 1983) } ronald.reagan (down since Nov 6, 1988) } fiery.retribution (down since Oct 25, 1990, has one stopped job) } "Well, can't have that, canwe?" }  pearlygates %>restartdaemon fiery.retribution } restartdaemon: error } restartdaemon: On vacation } "WELL!  On vacation, in one of the Oracle's busiest times of the year?" }  pearlygates %>bootdaemon firey.retribution } firey.retribution: OWCH! } Oracle: Get back on the Job NOW! } firey.retribution: No-way! }  pearlygates %>pitchfork firey.retribution } firey.retribution: Oh, all right... }  pearlygates %> logout } You have now logged out. } Have a heavenly day! } . } . } . } That should take care of the little geek.  Give us a week, and he should } be charcoal. } } You owe the Oracle some lighter fluid and a steak.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear most wise and prudent oracle: > >                     What does this button do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  The Big Red Button in front of you (the one with no documentation) is } supposed to activate an emergency sprinkler system in the event that } your computer were to catch fire.  However, much like the Hubble } Telescope, it has never been tested and was purchased from the lowest } bidder.  If you were to push it, an action the Oracle does not } recommend, you would find a large metal arm coming from seemingly } nowhere to inspect your private parts. } }  You see my son, the last engineer to be hired by the company that } installed the button you are so carelessly inspecting, came from the } Masters and Johnson Institute of Incredibly Strange Sexuality, in San } Francisco.  There he designed and installed a streamlined automated } system to separate the subjects by sex.  He held promise as an engineer } of sexually discriminating hardware, but alas, along with great genius } comes great perversity.  He was caught with a pit bull and a small man } with a large mustache in what he would describe later as a "dry run" of } the system.  The Institute directors felt something amiss and quietly } let him go.  He was not rehired immediately but kept to himself and } drank too much, for quite some time. } }  It was after a stint at the Betty Ford Clinic (tm) that our hero got a } better grip on who and what he was.  He dried out and started to look } for work again.  The sprinkler company was in need of personnel right } away and he hired on.  Unfortunately, the specs for the sprinkler system } were a bit on the hazy side and his boss just told him to improvise. } He, of course, had the old blueprints of his last project, (he was very } emotional about the whole thing) and simply hooked it all up again. } }  So, to finish an already long story, if you push it, you will be } pantsed and inspected, a prospect you would really want to avoid if you } ever want to date again.  Once everyone gets a close look at your } plumbing, and they will, you'll have a really tough time explaining your } unique (hmmm how to put this in a delicate way) shall we say shape, not } to mention the frilly "Mary Jane's" and Jean Kirkpatrick tatoo you have } under those jeans. } } The Oracle wants a Hywat Plasma Drill that goes through rock like a hot } knife.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Dear Mr. Oral Kull > >  I got a cute message, in mail, from my friend in CS 101, her name is > Mandy.  Anyways, I wanted to save her message becasue it was about this > cute boy in our class, his name is Brad and I think he's going to ask > Mandy out but she says he probably won't because she's too fat but I say > she's not too fat, just that she retains too much water on her period > and if she'd try using X-Tra strength Pamprin, she could lose that extra > water and wear those cute dresses she has, instead of those horrible > stone washed jeans with the big wide seat. > >  Ooops, where was I, oh yes, so I saved the mail message in a file > called Mail-Buffer, but I didn't spell it right and saved something > called Male-Buffer.  Well, it was just awfull, nobody could get anything > done for the longest time and some geeky consultant guy comes up and > starts yelling at me about some mail demon (whatever that is) is in a > fight with the computer I was using and everything's all my fault hmpf ! > >  Well, the next thing you know there's this tall blonde man in a black > suit going around buffing things till they sparkle.  The consultant says > I have to take him home, but my parents would have kittens and besides, > I don't think he likes girls too much.  He has very good taste in > clothing and he's very very clean.  The lab has never looked better, but > I still can't take him home with me, and Mandy's upset because Karl > (that's the guy that's buffing things) told Brad all about what we were > talking about and said that Brad could do better and would he like to go > shopping sometime, (the nerve).  So, I asked the consultant what I > should do and he looked at me like I just told him I liked to eat farts > and he said "Why don't you ask the frigging Oral Kull" and I wouldn't do > it till he typed in the address for me because I get all those silly @'s > and thingy's mixed up.  Could you please help ? > >               Cindy Sue Simpson >               College of Home Economics >               Clark Community College >               Buffit Indiana

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's like gross! I mean, like if he was really ugly or something } you could just like tell him "Barf out!" but now if he's just that } awesome hunk, isn't he, and if he really like likes to go shopping } why don't you just like go "Hey! Let's go down to the Galleria, it's } like so bitchin" and I was just down there, and bought like one of } those really nifty like mini-skirts and stuff, and just before that } I was down to get my braces off, and it was like so GRODY! Grody to } the max! Like somebody else's food, all that stuff that sticks to } the plates, like when your mother makes you do the dishes, but } anyway, there was this orthodontist, and he looked just like my } English teacher, he's just like mr. Bu-Fu! We're talking Lord God King } Bu-Fu, he's like so disgusting, he just sits there and play with } his rings and flirts with all the guys in the class, and this little } blob of drool in the corner of his mouth, it's like totally GROSS! } And all the stuff they stick in your mouth, at the orthodontist's, } I mean, and if your parents are having kittens just like go "no" } if they'd ask you to clean out the cat box, and the orthodontist } like says to me "Well, let's see now, Melissa" and my names not } Melissa, but anyway, couldn't they put this guy in some display window } down at the Galleria, daytimes at least, and then maybe you could like } keep him under the bed or something, if your mom and dad won't mind } feeding him, or you could just like get him a job, like an accountant } or something, I mean, he does like have a suit anyway. Wouldn't that } be like totally, I mean, if he ain't like really queer or into things } like "picture me in a leather teddy", and it's like so awesome, that } white snout-thing at the orthodontist's, it just like makes you choke. } I bet mr Bu-Fu, he's really named Shatner, you know that, I mean like } that really gross, just like Star Trek, and my ex-boyfriend used to } be a Trekkie, it was just like gag me with a spoon. Anyway, I bet mr. } Shatner's like that too, but now I can't write anymore because I } just simply gotta try on my new mini-skirt. } } Bye bye! } } Awra Chull } Fernado Valley } Near Edward's Airforce Base } Mojave Desert } CA.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Denise, >       last night was terrific.  You are the most exquiste woman I have > ever known.  I can't tell you how much I love you...can we do it again > tomorrow night?  I'll bring the baby oil. > > All my love, > Ken

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Denise?  DENISE?  MY NAME IF FRANK, YOU JERK!  I can't BELIEVE that you } said that.  ARGH!  I can't STAND it when someone can't get the correct } personna.  (NO!  WAIT!  I STILL GET THE BODY FOR A ANOTHER DAY!  ACK! } NO!  STOP!) } } ahem.  Hello?  This is "Denise." I had a wonderful time as well, despite } the fact that, well, you probably know unless you were too drunk at the } time, I am trapped in the body of a man.  (Stop it!  Just let me TALK to } him.  He's the FIRST one who could ever get close to us, and your just } going to wreck everything!) } } Wahl, mis-TA, I don't know what ya think yew were doin' last nite, but } when ya violate Da-neese like that, ya violate all of us, Frank, Kathy, } Mongo, the Boss, Spine-crusher, and ME, Buford Montana.  An' I don't } much lahk that kind o thang, nowhutImean?  Yew take him, Mongo.... } } ARrrraghghgh.  Mongo no LIKE baby oil.  Mongo DESTROY!  Mongo like } fudge. } } (back, Mongo, BACK BACK BACK I SAY!  arrr.) } } YO, dis here's da Boss, if ya know whut I'm talkin' about, Capische? } (You just LOVE releasing Mongo, don't you Buford?  Dios, what an } animal.) Ef you don't lay off the affections for Denise, ya know, me an' } the boys, well, let's just say that baby oil BURNS if you get my drift. } Ya know, me an the boys don't like them whats got unhonerable } distention, if ya get my meaning.  Guido, ya know, he don't like that at } all.  (No wait, Spine-crusher, I ain't done talkin' to OUR friend, here, } eh?) } } DUDE!  Totally righteous what ya did ta Denise last night.  Whoooah, } man, total doomage.  Chill action, ya know?  I was always hopin' someone } would bring that ho down a couple, ya know.  But what YOU did was like, } totally, totally heinous, with a max factor of, like, forty out of five, } ya know.  Gahd, I wish I coulda seen the look on our face, but ya know, } I was totally ripped and like I didn't have control, ya know. } } (Guyyysssss, you're scaring him off.  It was MY night with the body, and } you just went and ruined, as always.  I'll NEVER forgive you guys for } this.  This was worse than when you gave Mongo control when I was with } the football team.  OOOOOOOOOHHHHH!  I hate you all! } } Quiet, you little whore! } } Gasp!  Kathy! } } Yes, it's Kathy, and I'm taking control right now!  Just because you } wanted a little action, I'm gonna have to pay) } } Alright, buster!  You listen to me!  You may have thought you could have } your way with that little piece of fluff, Denise, but you're dealing } with me, now!  And don't think you can get me off the way you did } Denise.  Why it'd take whips and leather...  well you get the picture! } Anyway, stay away from us! } } Oh, gosh, I'm sorry...  NO DON'T SAY THAT DENISE!  I hope I can see you } again.  (arrr, snarll, rend, maim) You stay away from Denise, or me an } the boys, we break your _equipment_, unnerstan?  I have a gun.  Oh, } please understand me, this isn't my fault.  Cowanbunga, dude!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty oracle, beloved and wise, answer this: > > Why has nobody killed the New Kids on the Block yet?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Kill the New Kids on the Block?!? } KilldeNukidSonTheBlock??? } And will you be <gurgle> asking for [waggle waggle] Elvis's death } next?(Gomple steeble phphththth ... *&$!) } } *Panic Mode* } Dumping core image and shutting down. } } [Meta-Oracle Maintenance and Repair: } What's this? Another damn Oracle shutdown? Oh great. The Universe } is headed for a recession, we're already over budget in Repairs, } and this Oracle has to pick now to break down. Well, let's see } what happened.... } Hmmm. Looks like it had a nervous breakdown and shut itself off. } Well that's not supposed to happen! It's only supposed to shut down } when someone gives it the code phrase I distilled from the sage } remarks of the Meta-Oracle Sysop when I asked him about the } CentauriNet Oracle: 'Killed. Nuked it son. The block transmission } costs were too high.' } Hey wait a minute! You!! Yeah you, the person who asked this } question about the New Kids on the Block! Oh, my aching ganglia. } Listen friend, you've gone and scared the shit out of the Oracle, } and it did a panic shutdown. A crew of wookies will be picking you } up shortly. If this was intentional, you'll have to serve } 6 million years of forced labour in the Alpha Omicron 5 mercury mines. } If it was an accident, you just owe us for the Meta-Cray down time, } but considering the fact that one Meta-Cray CPU second costs more } than the liquidated net worth of your whole planet, I'd consider } pleading guilty anyway.]

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mighty Oracle, without whose spiritual leadership I surely would never > have bought a Honda, > > What makes Mountain Dew yellow?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} FD&C Yellow Dye No.  5. } } Okay, you were probably expecting a funny answer.  A witty answer.  A } clever answer.  At least an answer implying that the yellow color has } something to do with urine.  Yes, the Oracle can see you hunched } expectantly over the workstation (so to speak), awaiting the answer to } your query, e'en as It is typing this answer in with the fingers of its } current incarnation...you await an answer that mentions URINE.  And, boy } are you gonna be pissed when you read that the Oracle has answered the } question in a way that does not attribute the yellow color to it. } } However, FD&C Yellow Dye No.  5 is made from urine, if that's any } consolation.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Do female dilemmas have horns?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They're most certainly connected with BEING HORNY, anyway.  For } reference, check "The Horn Book" by G.  Legman (author of such works as } "Oral Technique In Sexual Stimulation" and "Rationale Of The Dirty } Joke", which won the "Really Intellectual and Turtle-Neck-Sweater-Clad } Persons Prize For The Most Frequent Use Of A Certain Word In A Serious } Book" in 1963), and also Trevor Horne (whoever that might be (probably a } loony)). } } And now for something completely the same: } }                     ----------------------- }                        THE FEMALE DILEMMA }                     ----------------------- } } The female dilemma is closely related to those two guys that tend to } appear on people's shoulder in comic strips, you know, the little angel } and the little devil.  And the latter certainly has horns...  The term } "di-lemma" refers to those two entities, thus the prefix "di".  "lemma" } is Tibetanian word, meaning "little strange demon appearing on the } shoulder of comic strip characters".  As we all know, the female dilemma } rises only when there's a conflict concerning } }                       -------------------- }                         THE OPPOSITE SEX }                       -------------------- } } and I don't mean questions like "What'll it be baby, hips or lips?" } (those questions I even trust you, mere mortals, to resolve by } yourselves).  Oh by the way, aren't these } }                        --------------- }                          SUB-HEADINGS }                        --------------- } } irritating?  What I really mean is, where's that umbrella?  Oh, sorry. } Nevertheless, phrases like "Why can't you ever put your socks in the } laundry basket" are sure to give rise to a female dilemma when asked by } an sufficiently attractive person who you have a sexual relationship } with.  So would several butcher's aprons.  No, they wouldn't.  Also, the } situation described so vividly by Lawrence Fisher: } } "Oh how I love Laurie but Linda loves me }  oh can't you see the situation I'm in?" } } which is particularly impressive, as he sings the second line using only } }                        -------------- }                          SEVEN NOTES }                        -------------- } } Where were I?  If you have a metal detector, life would be a lot more } simple.  Anyone can sing "Warum bist du so ferne?" These questions can } give you severe female dilemmas, but why am I telling you this?  You } just want to know if they have horns.  They don't.  No no no. } } You owe the Oracle a sack of ground reindeer horn.  (female reindeers } have horns, did you know that?  And so do cows)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Supreme Oracle (with anchovies), why does ATT continually > discriminate against the letters Q and Z by not including them on the > rotary dial/push button phone?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There are very few occasions where even the Great and Powerful Oracle } will admit to being baffled.  However, on those very few (almost } completely unheard-of) occasions, it usually involves some sort of } baffling silliness on the part of AT&T. } } This is one of those.  Instead of omitting the letters I and O (which } could easily be confused with 1 and 0 in the bizarre font used by the } AT&T Dial and Button designers), Q and Z were chosen for omission.  In } fact, this was reportedly due to one of the stranger clauses in the pact } Alexander Graham Bell is alleged to have signed with Satan himself.  The } legendary conversation between Bell and Lucifer has been preserved } through generations of telephone repair specialists, usually in hushed } tones, and is here, in part, related: } }       Bell:   [after the 526th attempt that day]  You know, Watson, I'd }               do just about anything to get this damned thing to work. }       Watson: [doesn't hear Bell, as he is in another part of the house] }       Satan:  [*bamf* The Deceiver appears with a loud sound and a cloud }               of foul-smelling smoke]  *Anything*? }       Bell:   [backing up rapidly]  Well, almost anything.  Oh, hell, }               anything then. }       Satan:  [peering at the strange contraption]  Hm.  It'll cost you. }       Bell:   What? }       Satan:  Well, after all, if this works, you'll wind up commanding }               a world-wide communications empire, which will give you }               the excuse to be as rude and monopolistic as possible, for }               as long as you can get away with it.  You'll be rich, and }               you'll have a lot more time for all that kite-flying }               business. }       Bell:   Hm.  Okay.  What will it cost? }       Satan:  Like most of my contracts, this will have a hard part and }               an easy part.  I'm feeling rather on the pleasant side }               today, actually, so I'll let you off easy.  The easy part }               will be--- let's see.  Hell, I can't think of anything }               good.  Hm.  Well, here you go:  All future documents }               produced by either you or your company may not contain the }               letters E or I. }       Bell:   But that's impossible! }       Satan:  Oh, stop whining.  Fine, make it Q and Z. }       Bell:   Deal. }       Satan:  However, since I made the easy part even easier, let's be }               a little harder on the hard part.  Let's see, what would }               be a good one . . . oh!  Of course!  This bottle of acid }               you're using? }       Bell:   [suspiciously]  Yes? }       Satan:  You'll have to pour it on your pants. }       Bell:   What?! }       Satan:  Just think!  Power, money, and no competition for at least }               100 years!  Think of all the opportunities! }       Bell:   Oh, all right.  Hand me the damned bottle. } } This is only, of course, legend. } }                                       ---The Oracle [mcglk]

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is there IBM?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       It is not for mere mortals like yourself to question the reasons } behind the existance of such entities as IBM.  Like God, Satan, and the } Oracle, IBM exists because it has being.  There is no *reason* per se; } at least, no reason that your finite mind will understand.  IBM is } Eternal; without End, it is also without Beginning, and beyond } Rationale. } }       Why else do you suppose so many mortals find themselves at IBM's } beck and call?  This is a form of worship called 'Employment'.  Many } beings seek this, but only a select few are bestowed this honor.  To } better their chances, many would-be followers seek to increase their } chances for Employment by attending and paying for training at places } called 'Universities', where they learn how to better serve the Great } IBM.  Universities are also among the Eternals.  Some worshipers seek } Employment among the Lesser Eternals, hoping one day to be called forth } by IBM into *true* Employment. } }       Of course, such an Entity as IBM would be meaningless without an } Adversary.  As God has his Satan and Prince Charles his Lady Di, so IBM } has its Great Nemesis:  DEC. } }       You owe the Oracle a fix for OS/2.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wisest of all immortals, could you please help me quit smoking?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Gentle Mortal, } }   Of *course* I'd be glad to give you suggestions to quit your nasty, } but sublime habit.  Here are several suggestions which are guaranteed } to work: } }   1) Quit tomorrow.  This method has worked many times for the last } mortal who asked me this question. } }   2)  Redefine smoking.  This may only work for mathematicians. } }   3)  Cut off your head.  This is guaranteed to work for all mortals } and for most immortals who have heads. } }   4)  Remove all oxygen from your environment.  This is guaranteed to } work for mortals and immortals alike. } } You owe the oracle a box of fine Cuban cigars.