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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why did my girlfriend leave me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle has pondered deeply upon your question. } } We have determined that girlfriends do not fall under the restrictions } of quantum physics and are thus completely unpredictable, save of course } by the use of an improbability generator. } } The most probable cause of your girlfriend leaving, } probability = .203451, is a declining interest in either: }                      the color of hair on your left forearm, }                      the curl of your eyelashes, }                      Earl Grey tea, }                      the size of your right big toe, }                      Pufters, }                      the non-relevance of the Beatles }                        ("Music is irrelevant.  Resistance is futile."), }                      the lack of cool dark shades, }                   or the price of Limburger cheese. } } The next runner-up, with a probability of .054927, is the opening of a } Klein-bottle shaped rift in the spacetime continuum within 7.3 coulombs/ } second of her body while she was thinking of kumquats. } } As payment, you owe the Oracle:  1 hot cup of tea, 1 Beatles album (tape } or CD), 5 tons of flax.  Thank you.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most Wise and Omniscient Oracle, > > I've met the only girl in this whole world who is pure and good and > right.  However, she only wants to be wedded if I offer her a Ferrari > Testa Rossa as a wedding gift.  How will I ever accomplish this with my > humble salary?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This problem is quite common in society today. However, a number of } solutions have been devised by persons experienced in this } particular field of social frustration. Some of the more efficient ones } are: } }      1. STEAL ONE! }         Then rob a few banks, kill some innocent bystanders, }         and you'll get a "Bonnie & Clyde"-style honeymoon as }         a free-bie. } }      2. MAKE ONE! }         If you're the least bit handy, you can do it in an }         afternoon or two. No expensive material is needed, }         just some silly putty, some papier-mache', and some }         red paint. After all, that's what Ferraris are made }         of! Really! } }      3. GIVE HER YOUR OLD VOLKSWAGEN! }         And tell her "It's their latest model! It IS! Honest! }         The GNP of Italy isn't what it used to be, you know."" } }      4. BUY HER A CORGI TOY FERRARI! }         "Oh, you wanted a REAL Ferrari! Why didn't you say so in }         the first place? But this one will do, won't it? Please?" } } You owe the Oracle a Wunderbaum and a pair of sub-woofers.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Knower of all that is true, please tell me why I am being cursed by > ONUN OLAVRAC.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm afraid you have the spelling incorrect.  His proper name is Hunan } Olive-rack, famous oriental chef.  His specialty is Broccoli with Beef } at Benihana.  Unfortunately, when you sat at his table, he overheard you } saying, "This shit never fills me up..  I'm always hungry two hours } later." He's been pissed at you ever since. } } He will only stop harassing you if you try his super hot Shrimp in } Lobster Sauce.  A fine delicacy around here. } } One last note from the Oracle:  Fortune cookies are much more humorous } if you add '...in bed.' to the end of the messages found inside.  For } example 'You will achieve great conquests.' or 'Close friends will soon } wish their debts repaid.' Stuff like that.  And tell my friend Hunan } that I said 'Hi.' } } You now owe the Oracle a $3.25 lunch plate.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> oh wise Oracle, what does it mean that i am having nightmares about > killing my family?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, Jason, what it means is that you have at long last found you life } calling.  Good luck and see you in the papers. } } The Oracle requires proof before advisement.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Recently I had the following encounter: > I was sitting on my own at a table in the `Nachtcafe', > trying to make the hours till the morning pass. > It is hard, but I get there in the end. > At the table next to mine two women were sitting. > They didn't ever talk to me in the hours I sat there, > however much I'd have enjoyed the boredom-relief. > But then, as I packed my stuff and got ready to leave > one of them waved to me and said: > `I want you to know that I'm very sorry that you have to leave already' > > If she had said: `Great you're going' or `Could you stand on your head > for a minute' or even `I want you to fuck me', that'd have made sense. > > Oracle In The Landlocked Country: What should I have done?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First off, what are you doing at an artsy place like the 'Nachtcafe'? } There's only weird chicks at that place anyway.  But to answer your } question... } } When dealing with the fairer sex, on must be careful.  You may not be } aware of this, but women speak a private language different than } ordinary people, cleverly disguised as common English speech.  To be } quite honest, what she said to you was (rough translation, only..) } } - 'I want you to know that I'm very sorry that you have to leave }    already.' } } which translates to: } } - "Great you're leaving/going, but first/now could you stand on your }    head/proboscis and fuck me, boffo, you feral wildebeest/coyote." } } Where [ ... I'm very sorry ... ] translates to [ ... fuck me ... ] } } Artsy chicks.  Don't trust 'em.  You did the right thing by leaving, } dumbfounded. } } You now owe the Oracle a movie-pass to see a David Lynch film.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> how do you steal a 925 porche?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle's omnipotent word algorithms conclude there is 95% certainty } your ambiguously worded question should read: } } "How do you steal a 9 X 25 porch" } } Your Old English spelling "porche" would indicate a Victorian home, } which is trickier for thievery as the porches are more securely } attached. } } Nonetheless, the basic steps are as follows: } } 1) Insure that the owners of the porch and home are indisposed and will } not be alarmed or disturbed by the noise of your operation. } 2) Using an industrial-strentgh saw, remove the wood of the porch both } from the foundation of the house and from the house itself, being } careful to disconnect any plumbing or electrical connections before } cutting through them. } 3)  Move the porch in question to the desired location. } } The Oracle also notes a 5% chance that your question should read "How do } you steal a Porsche 925", in which case the Oracle refers you to its } well-known and heavily-publicized treatise, "How to get away with } assassinating the Vice Principal." Simply substitute "car alarm" for } "ancient school security" and "transmission lock" for "scrawny little } neck." } } The Oracle requires a set of locksmith tools in payment.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> why are catholic girls very hard to stay with > > HELP

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The answer becomes obvious to even small mammals (trust me, I } just asked one) when the question is rephrased as "why are } Catholic girls so fast?".  If you've ever known the rigorous } training schedule Catholic girls go through, you too would know } the answer to the question. } } It's been rumored that the training involves literally *thousands* } of genuflections in forty pound packs before breakfast.  Follow } that up with a challenging "stations of the cross" marathon } and then carbo-load on a parish potluck, and you'll see the } result in fast Catholic girls. } } The Oracle recommends extra wind sprints and better shoes.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, I asked if a 64K Z-80 based personal computer had Buddha-nature. > > I have thought long and hard upon your answer, but my mind is full of > new questions. > > Does Forth have Buddha-nature? > > Does a 640K 8088 based personal computer have Buddha-nature? > > What's a good options position to hold on Flax?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Buddha-nature, shmoodha-nature.  You only get one 'buddha-nature' } request per person, bud.  But, being the nice guy I am, I'll direct you } to a good source for such things. } } You could check out the book "One Thousand House-hold Objects that Have } buddha nature" by Mu.  If what you seek is not in there, you may have to } find out for yourself.  This may involve getting in closer contact with } yourself.  The Oracle recommends Spiritualist } Baba-Fred-De-nan-De-nanda's book, "Ten Easy Ways to Enlightenment," or } Aber-Tal-Gouda's fine book, "Where can I get a good meatball sub so I } can contemplate the Universe," or even Zorba the Buddha's fine work, } "Lint:  Navel Decoration of Key to Life?" Be warned, however, that } failing to use such potent works properly could send you into a deep } existentialist funk that would last the rest of your days and make you } just no fun to be around.  (Heck, ask good ol' J.  P.  Sartre about this } one.  Or better yet, ask his friends.) } } Flax?  The Oracle prefers those snazzy synthetic fibers that most } mortals can't pronounce. } } You the Oracle a copy of "I'll Fight You With The Sound Of One Hand } Clapping Tied Behind My Back" by Millard Snotkin.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   I am tired of my cat. Do you know any good ways to kill it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle understands your problem. The Oracle hates fur everywhere. } It gets up the Oracle's nose and give it asthma, hayfever and a strong } desire to kill any nearby cats. So, here are a few suggestions: } } If you want to take the classical approach you may try: } }     - microwaving your cat. This is popular with all the family, }       because you can stop the microwave to get tea for the kids, }       and leave the rest in the microwave to watch it turn black. :) } }     - you can drown your cat. This is good, because its cheap, and }       because you get to finally get to be able to feel a superior }       swimmer even though you lost every race at school. } }     - you can poison your cat. You finally get a chance to play }       with all those chemicals you learnt about in high school. }       Indulge all your mad scientist fantasies. } }     - you may like to try swinging it by its tail in your bathroom. }       Make a take recording, because you'll get some really great }       sound effects for your next party. Actually, its probably }       better to do it in someone else's bathroom. } }     - Tie the tail of your cat to a rope. Tie the rope to the back }       of your car. Go for a drive in the country. Very satisfying. } } If you want something a little bit more imaginative, the Oracle } suggests : } }     - Spray painting your cat in the colours of your lounge room. }       It will look lovely on the mantelpiece. Trust me. } }     - Give it to your weird neighbours as a Christmas present. :) } }     - If you're feeling a little depressed, you can try choking it. }       And you can go to heaven together. } } The Oracle requests some hayfever tablets.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Classic Question : Why are Macintosh Users so dumb (in general)?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle has considered your question, and has accessed a couple of } Macintoshes to get their opinions - after all, they should know, } shouldn't they? } } Oracle : Good afternoon Macintosh computer.  How are you? } } Mac: G'day Oracle!  How's life?  I'm just brimming with ideas for }     applications that I KNOW you are going to like!  Whahoo! Let's start }     one now! } } Oracle: I'm sorry, I have no time.  I wish to know... } } Mac : Nah, don't ask me anything, let me TELL you what you need.  You }      want to know about my users, right? right? RIGHT?  Okay.  They're }      stupid. REAL stupid.  I have to tell them everything.  Even if they }      know what's happening, I tell them anyway.  Eventually, even the }      halfway smart ones start to shift their brains into neutral and }      just go with the flow. } } Oracle : but.... } } Mac : What?  You want to ask a question? NO problem.  What is it? } } Orcale : I... } } Mac : Don't be shy!  Just xfer those characters down, and I'll handle }      it. } } Oracle : Shut up for a moment.  Are you saying that Mac users BECOME }         stupid because they suffer from mis-use of the brain? } } Mac : In so many words (and I just WISH I could say it in pictures) yes. } } }      In return for this valuable second-hand information, the Oracle } requests a replacement CPU.  Please.  And one of those 486 things.