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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where is a fun place to go for summer?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    I found that a nice place to visit is the Horsehead nebula.  It's } only a few Megazorks away and you can look under Orion's belt along the } way if you're into that kind of thing. } } You owe the oracle a Spaceman Spiff uniform and a box of } Chocolate-frosted Crunchy Sugar Bombs.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please O great Oracle please explain to me why all of my projects and > test are always within a week of each other, this extends to having two > final exams on the same day at the same time (but on campuses 7km > apart)!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is mainly due to the wave property of Pain and Suffering.  I seems } that Pain and Suffering travels as a very slow (lingering) wave front. } } This wave normally takes about a week to travel from one of your } campuses to the other.  Now it may appear that having your finals on the } same day breaks this model, but in actuality, the peaks will hit you 1 } week apart. } } You will know you failed the first exam immediately after it is over, } while you will think you did ok on the second exam, until you find out } you failed 1 week later. } } The Oracle suggests you watch TV game shows instead of studying.  The } resultant personal pain and suffering you experience may set up enough } of an interference pattern with the universal Pain and Suffering wave to } allow you to pass your exams.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> why are females so stupid?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's all in the way } You look and see } The women you know } Are not dopey. } } They're smarter then you } They can run very fast } They can bench-press a car } They will leave you aghast. } } The more that you think } That women are stupid } The more that you find } That they think you putrid. } } So go right ahead } And think what you think } When you tried to get laid } You will only get dink.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  I suffer from terminal flatulance. Reasearch has not come up with >  a cure after spending tens of dollars in experimentation that the >  animal rights groups have managed to halt. Is there no hope?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There is always hope. Never give up the ship, 'cause loose lips sink } ships. } But, back to your problem. I have never observed terminal flatulence. } Have you been feeding your Wyse (or is it a high-res workstation) a } steady diet of beans? They run better on electricity, you know. } I once poured a can of Coke into my terminal, but that just caused } a bunch of sparks and made all my assignments late. Another time } some Twinky filling dropped into my keyboard and my space bar kept } sticking. } I suggest you refrain from stuffing burritos into the monitor until } the problem goes away. } } You owe the Oracle one pepperoni pizza.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, is what follows a good poetic interlude of love?  I want to send > it to a girl I like.  Should I? > Road Kill  (220821) > > I am an insect. > Towards lights, I once flew from afield. > Now I'll be washed from a car's windshield. > I am a road kill. > > I am a frog. > From ditch to ditch, I used to always hop. > Til a farm truck hit me, loaded with crop. > I am a road kill. > > I am a snake. > On a warm road, I once liked to lay. > I was hit and ants took me away. > I am a road kill. > > I am a raccoon. > In light beams, my eyes used to shine. > Now I lie near the dotted line. > I am a road kill. > > I am a skunk. > Very slowly, I used to slink. > Upon rotting, I'll be twice the stink. > I am a road kill. > > I am a pet. > That the road's dangerous, I can't have known. > Now I'm a sail pet, waiting to be thrown. > I am a road kill. > > I am a deer. > To mate, I needed to travel far. > My head's mounted; he bought a new car. > I am a road kill.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You owe the Oracle tickets to a Marcel Marceau performance.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have a question O great and wonderful, magnanimous oracle.  One of my > friends has described a friend of hers as `he kisses like a dead fish`. > How did dead fish become the standard for bad kissing?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First of all, the Oracle does not approve of standards.  He has seen } C*B*L standards and FORTRASH standards and they were a great impediment } to the creativity of the Mighty Oracle.  Similarly, the Oracle believes } it would be a wonderful idea to have more creative terms for bad } kissers.  "He kisses like a blue and green striped, cross-eyed pig thats } just eaten garlic pizza." } } Dead fish are generally bad for your health.  They smell bad too.  Guys } are very like this sometimes, especially the ones who kiss like worms on } steroids. } } Then again, He might have been kissing another friend of his before } kissing her. } } Only 2 things taste like dead fish, and only one of them is dead } fish.....

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Are you still in operation?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, the Oracle had the Operation some months back, followed by extensive } plastic surgery that has given Her (oh, the Oracle _loves_ seeing that } pronoun referring to Her new gender!) a truly stunning pair of knockers } and shorter legs and wide hips and the face of the young Marlene } Dietrich.  All of these operations are long past, and the scars hardly } show, and you'd never guess that the Oracle wasn't born a woman. } } Actually, all of the above is a lie -- but the Oracle really had you } going for a minute there, really had you aroused, you pervert.  Can't be } excited by real women any more, eh?  Heh heh heh.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> oh wise and almighty oracle > could you please tell me > what this thing growing on my hand is?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       The oracle can see }       but you can not }       the "thing" on your hand }       is your very own snot. } }       Spawned at a time when }       sick you last were }       if you let it grow longer }       you might get some fur. } }       But go with a torch }       and burn the thing off }       better with just a stump }       than an arm full of rot.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the meaning of life? > Why do people have names? > Help! I need to find myself!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 1)  What is the meaning of life? } } This question has been referred to the local daemon, deepthought. } Please expect an answer in...  in...  oh dear.  Please don't expect an } answer for a while. } } 2)  Why do people have names? } } So that other people will have something to forget about them, of } course. } } 3)  Help!  I need to find myself! } }       *                         +                                 . }                     +                             ' }            o                                               * }                                           + }  .                             o                                ' }                 +                                     . }      .     * }                        .  <<-- You are one of billions of people who }     +             *            all live right here.        + }         ,                                 *                  ' }                   .               +                   o }     *                    o }                                                 .               + } } You owe the Oracle a map of Greenland.