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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, Oracle: > > } you owe the Oracle an operating system that makes coffee in the > } morning. > > This sounds like RSX-11/M, which has code in the sysgen to determine > whether to make Tea or Coffee. Will that do? I have an RL02K-DC right > here. I've never been able to enable that option myself, but perhaps > you'll have better luck.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} LUCK?  You're talkin' to the Oracle, bud. } Luck is for people who can't handle FATE. } } But that's besides the point. } } Of course I am familiar with the RSX-11/M.  That system was, in fact, } developed right here at OracSoft by our proto-oracular programmers. } However, the bugs were just too numerous to put it out on the market. } For example, the front-end natural language analysis package never was } up to specs so rather than being able to ask for "hot Earl Grey tea" } like any normal hyper-intelligent pan-dimensional being would, one had } to use reverse-polish english and ask for "tea, Earl Grey, hot". } Similary, try to remember to ask for "coffee, strong, columbian, } Foldger's, hot, black" early in the morning. } } Then, of course, the connotative translation expert system didn't have } the depth needed.  More often than not the system would produce a poor } fellow named T.  Earl Grey in a condition that was less than appetizing. } } That's why the option cannot be enabled by mere mortals.  Just think } what might happen if they asked for some "hot Sleeptytime" or "jugs o' } Java". } } So for those reasons, the RL02K-DC was never publicly distributed.  In } fact, no one confined to 4-dimensional space-time should even know if } its existence...  I don't know how you got your hands on one. } } Well, well, well.  Looks like you finally blew your cover. } } If you had been reading alt.conspiracy (rather than posting to } alt.tasteless and downloading those, shall we say, unusual files from } alt.sex.pictures) you might have seen this coming.  But then, being the } Oracle, I knew you wouldn't.  All we needed was one careless slip. } That's why I made that seemingly innocent request to your previous } question.  Well, I'm sure it's all painfully obvious to you now.  You } might as well come along and make it all easier on all of us.  You won't } be enabling anything for a long time, kiddo.  Now, logout, grab your } Pepsi and Cheetos, go over to the door and let us in so we don't have to } make a scene... } } } The Oracle owes you the right to remain silent.  But it won't matter } anyway.  I *am* the Oracle after all.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Are men and women topologically equivalent?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Satyrs and geometers have pondered this question for centuries, dear } quester. } } Topology ("Geometry on Rubber Sheets") defines the topological } equivalence of two bodies such that sufficient stetching and twisting } and contorting of one can change it into the other. } } The amazing fact is that men and women in fact ARE topologically } equivalent! } } Martini Gardenier, famed french transsexual, and noted topology and } bottomology expert, proposes the following bold proof by experiment is } his _Priapistic_American_ column, *Pathological Dames*: } }       A model on rubber is very difficult to transform because the }       rubber has to be stretched so radically.  But it is easily }       done with a model on cloth.  Fold a square piece of cloth }       in half around a female model and sew opposite ends together }       to make a tube.  Now fold the cloth the other way and sew }       the opposite ends together to make a whorus.  For ease in }       transforming, make sure the "hole" is vertical at the }       outer layer of cloth. } }       Changing the sex of the model via the slotted hole is easy. }       After the reversal, the whorus has the same shape as before, }       except now the "slot" has become a "protrusion" and has }       turned from "vertical" to "horizontal". } }       It is not easy to visualize exactly how the whorus is }       distorted during the transformation process.  A series }       of drawings, showing all stages of the reversal, can be }       found in "Topology, Geometry, Rubber Sheets, and You", }       by Alberta Tuckin and Hisbert Baley in _Priapistic_American_, }       January, 1950. } }       There are many other whorus paradoxes.  For example, if a }       whorus without a hole is linked to a whorus with a hole, }       can the one with the hole "swallow" the other whorus so }       that it is completely inside?  The answer is yes, and you }       will see how it is done if you consult my _P._A._ columns }       of December 1972 (on knotted whoruses and tied tubes). } } THE ORACLE HAS SPOKEN.........NEXT!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      Please, oh saucy and juicy one, tell me how to stop the Persian > Gulf crisis in less than three hours, with a hammer, a dead cat, and a > bowl of week old butter.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Tough.  But it is possible. } } 1)  First, you have to scare the Iraqis.  Take the hammer, the dead cat, }     and bowl with you into Kuwait City.  Smear some of the butter on the }     cat, save the rest.  At each spot, put a little butter on the ground }     and hide, with the cat out in the open.  When a soldier comes by, }     pound the cat a little with the hammer to make it look semi-alive, }     but _don't be seen_. } }     (I told you it was tough.) } } 2)  The Iraqi soldier wil start at the sight of the moving dead cat, and }     a 'mystical force' (the butter on the ground) will cause him to slip }     and fall.  At this point, push the cat a little as if advancing on }     him. He should gather himself together and run off. } } 3)  After several hundred applications of this technique, the Iraqis }     will believe that Kuwait City is haunted by the living dead cats. }     They will grow frightened and pull out, disobeying the commands of }     their leaders. } } 4)  Without Kuwait City being a problem anymore, the Persain Gulf crisis }     will ease off, the Kuwaitis can return, the Lama can return to }     Tibet, and the DoD can cry because they didn't get to kill anyone. } } 5)  Note:  If you fail in Step 3 to frighten the Iraqis sufficiently, }     forget the cat.  Forget the rancid butter.  Take the hammer and }     devise guerilla tactics.  Unfortunately, this method will take }     longer than three hours, and cannot be favorably considered. } } You owe the Oracle 5 minutes of world peace.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the origin of the expression "It's on the tip of my tongue"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Um ... um .... hang on a minute, I'll get it ... Shit, I can almost } remember.  What does it sound like?  No wait, it'll only take a minute, } just let me get my head together.... just hang on a second.... this is } so frustrating ....

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where's my gerbil?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Which gerbil?  The small, brownish one with the nick in the left } ear and three slightly damp pumpkin seeds in its right cheek } pouch and strap marks beneath its forelegs from the parachute you } strapped it into?  After the unexpected updraft caught it and } carried it away, saving it from certain death on the crowded } expressway you thought it was headed for, it flew through an open } window and into a world beyond its most feverish imaginings, } where it is now a partner in an exclusive brokerage firm, } outperforming several of its more senior colleagues and making } rafts of money for all of its clients, although you shouldn't } expect it to be too courteous towards your portfolio when it } discovers it's carrying it.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Does existence really precede essence, or is it the other way around?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The imitation scents smell just the same as the name brands to me.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dee^H^Har   Great && Nughty Ori^H^U^[Bacle.. [dammm^H^[Dit] ^[Hell! > Wha > t t^Hermiii^H^H^[C^[Dnal type should I o^Huse..?? > > Frustrated^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^HBored.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear frustated, }       The Oracle has pondered your question for many seconds, }  and has written a quick program that even now as you read this } message is wormholing its way into your terminal and rebinding }  every key to backspace. Your problem is solved. } }       You owe the Oracle a sincere thank you. } :)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> why do the citizens of the US >       1. Drive on the wrong side of the road. >       2. spell colour wrong. >       3. put the date in silly formats. >       4. Normally wear silly hats. >       5. like silly people, ie Bush .....

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O, but woe is for humanity if they keep this culturocentric attitude! } It will be their doom. } } Nevertheless, I will deign to answer your petty questions while } overlooking how very much relatively based they are.  Mind you, you're } getting five at a time here so the cost will be high.  Expect it. } } 1) Americans tend to (not always, mind you --- they have their own } share of incompetent drivers or those who can see when it is safe not } to obey the law) drive toward the right hand side of the road because } of a little known accident involving Henry Ford.  When most of the } original automobiles in the states still had steering wheels in the } center, he had an unfortunate run in with a large rock which ended up } rupturing the front right tyre of Henry's vehicle.  Undaunted, but } most importantly needing to get home because if he was late for dinner } again his wife would have killed him, he hung off far to the left side } of his car.  As he had to pass various ice lorries and other } obstructions he discovered how much easier it was to see around other } objects now that he was to one side.  When he made new cars they } followed the same pattern he experienced that fateful day and } naturally America's two lane highways evolved into the keep right / } pass left system.  Explaining why the British chose the other side of } the road, it was because of their natural knee jerk reaction to } anything the Americans do.  They of course had to switch it the other } way around.  Sort of like UK domain addresses. } } 2) The same knee jerk reaction.  Apparently the British saw the } addition of the letter 'u' to many English words as a positive form of } linguistic evolution.  The Americans were just sticking with the } status quo in which many of these words never had a 'u' before Middle } English or even before Modern English in the newly mutated British } version. } } 3) Because they like to make easy sorting of things more difficult. } Fools.  There really aren't any other points in favour of either form } except as relates to collation though. } } 4) The Oracle wishes to engage the Socratic method with you.  Why } makes a hat silly?  Do you have a problem with caps or with cowboy } hats?  Or is some other "American" form of headwear?  Why do the } French wear berets?  Why did some military people wear triangular } hats?  And how about that thing Napolean wore?  Why do Arabs wear } silly hats, even when not in the Middle East?  Who ever came up with } the cone that St Nick dons?  The Oracle is inclined to believe that } unless you have a functional reason for wearing a hat, other than } accessorising your wardrobe, then wearing a hat is stupid anyway. } Fedoras and Bowlers included.  The Oracle is similarly inclined to } believe that in general whimsy "style" and "fashion" changes are } baloney too, used in the Western world primarily as a way to make lots } of new revenue every season and to further dissect the population into } groups, namely "those who are slaves to fashion stupidity and can } afford to be" and "the rest of the slime of the earth".  Silly, } really. } } 5) Silly people are liked for many reasons.  Most significant probably } is simple entertainment.  It also helps boost egos to sit and think } that you are better than the silly person you are watching.  Of } course, you must realise that the British are no exception to this; it } is not a quality exclusive to Americans.  The British pump gobs and } gobs of pounds every year in to the Royal machinery, existing for no } purpose but to a) entertain, b) act stupid and c) beget more royal } people for the country to spend money on to do a and b.  Of course, a } and b are so simple for them to do and one mustn't mistake the fact } that although they entertain they are _not_ entertainers.  Silly, yes? } } You owe the Oracle two Sterlings and a new Triumph, a typeset board } full of extra 'u's, a month full of dates with page three girls, a } trip to the habbedashery and a sitting of tea and crumpets with the } Queen.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I would like to know of an ingenious way to > make a quick buck. Any suggestions?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle regrets that your question cannot be answered as } definitively as is the Oracle's custom, because the Oracle's } domain is largely a spiritual one, far removed from worldly } concerns and the money attendant upon them. } } However, the Oracle does have a large stock of cheap detective } fiction on hand, for reading between questions, and it is } possible to glean from these a few ideas, although it has been } quite some time since the Oracle has been required to engage in } any serious graft or second-story work, and thus no advice gan be } given concerning the modern applicability of any of these } methods. } } The Oracle has always thought that a nifty way to appropriate } large sums of money would be to locate a bank under construction, } and fill the forms 9/10 full of styrofoam the night before the } concrete is poured for the vault.  This would make tunneling in } later a relatively simple proposition.  Oh dear, you said you } wanted a "quick buck." } } Have you tried running a small classified ad reading "All } taxpayers are reminded to send their $5.00 filing fee to the } Office of Official Expediting, P.O. Box 297, Manhasset, NJ, } 01243"?  Or taping an "out of order" sign over a night depository } slot one evening, and leaving a milk crate underneath?  Or } learning how to play three-card Monte? } } You could always set yourself in a position of apparent but } meaningless authority and charge exorbitant fees for dispensing } worthless answers and advice. } } The Oracle awaits your wire transfer of $57.28 for its services.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> oh, most knowelegeable oracle, I beseach you:  how can I solve a > non-linear differential equation??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Algorithm A: } }   [1] Take a bottle of tequila or a baggie of your favorite blend. } }   [2] Pour a shot / roll a number. } }   [3] Make the proper introductions: } }       "Shot/number this is mouth, mouth, this is shot/number." } }   [4] Apply shot/number. } }   [5] (Iterate) Repeat [4] as necessary. } } } Very soon you will realize that solving virtually any kind of equation } is trivial, and in fact, rather boring.  Later in the process, you } will realize that the solution of practically any problem will reveal } itself nearly instantaneously.  This latter mode is most effective in } groups (i.e. your friends or house-mates). } } Contraindicted: in the presence of a member of the appropriate sex. } } } Algorithm B: } }   [1] Find a mathmo of the appropriate sex. } }   [2] Arrange a date (for some, this is the hardest part). } }   [3] At an opportune moment, say: } }           You:        "You have wonderful eyes." } }           Mathmo:     <does something appropriately nerdy, such as }                        blush> } }           You:        "How do I solve this non-linear differential }                        equation?" } }           Mathmo (much relieved): }                       "Oh, you just..." } }   [4] Write down the solution. } } } Failing a mathmo, or the courage to ask for a date, alternative } techniques include: } }     o Talk-radio.  "We're on the air, with a question from one of }       our listeners, 'How do you solve a non-linear differential }       equation?'  Yes, caller number one, go ahead." } }       "Oh, you just..." } }     o Blackmail.  For this, you still need a mathmo, but you need not }       limit yourself to the problem of solving non-linear differential }       equations (e.g. you can ask for money or sex, which in the }       Oracle's humble opinion are worth virtually any number of }       diffy-Qs). } }     o Legislation.