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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, most mighty and powerful, magnificous and most excellent, oracle! > > I would humbly prostrate myself before thy enlightened holiness, but > somewhere I heard prostration was hazardous to typing, and that you hate > typos, so I have assumed that you would excuse me. > > My question: >       Oh, allseeing oracle, you must know that I have always wanted to >       be a hermit, to live in the woods far away from the tedious >       and often ridiculous strugglings of my fellow human beings, to >       live in a cave and commune with the stars and the grass and >       the trees and all that nature stuff. > >       But nowhere can I discover references on how to become one. >       Oh, please, please, please tell me what I should do to be a >       hermit. >               (like, do I need a permit for it in certain places, >                how do I find a cave, what to eat, how to dress, etc.)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Verily do I hate typos.  If it wasn't for the fact that I know what } people are typing anyway, such errors would interfere with my } effectiveness.  Since this question contains no visible typos, I will } gladly provide you with all the information you need to set yourself up } as a hermit. } } The first thing you must do is find a cave.  The best caves are to be } found in Tibet, but few potential hermits can afford the airfare.  Thus } a low-cost cave must be located.  Do not look in cities or on freeways } as good caves are shy and keep away from people, which also suits the } hermits who live in them.  Seek a forest or an unoccupied piece of } coastline and search for a cave there.  Note that bears, politicians and } other such dangerous animals do not appreciate intrusions so keep away } from their caves. } } Once you have a cave of your own, you must keep the community happy. } The stars, grass, trees and everything else worth communing with should } NOT be insulted.  Do not say "Hey grass, you aren't good enough for } rabbits to piss on" or "You call yourself a tree???".  Of course, you } need a food source.  Do not expect to be able to commune with this, as } it will avoid "talking" to you.  A commonly hidden fact of hermits is } that they speciallise in not-communing-with-grass, not-communing-with- } berries, not-communing-with-tasty-little-bugs, and other similar } aspects. } } You will need a plethora of permits.  Vital ones include regional cave } permits, job permits (what we call hermit-permits) and not-talking-to- } people permits.  These can be found in any administration cave, } detectable by the "buy a plethora of permits here" signs out front. } } Dress casually, as changing costume detracts from the concentration, so } choose something you are prepared to wear for at least ten years.  Many } failed hermits make the classic mistake of changing clothes twice per } day, and discover that in the limited life span available they spend 25% } changing clothes, 30% sleeping, 15% eating and defecating, 20% wondering } what they are doing and 9% actually discovering what they are doing. } This leaves a mere 1% of available time to ponder life's secrets, during } which they do not sufficiently learn even the basic principles of life. } } Hermit Unions exist throughout the world and can be an invaluable source } of ideas.  As hermits consider themselves superior to standard humans, } they deem it wise to gather and share their discoveries with one } another.  Note that they also take a dim view of non-registered hermits, } considering them selfish.  Not joining a union can lead to picket lines } being set up outside your cave, totally ruining your concentration. } } Lastly, work on improving your memory.  If you write things down you } will expose the secrets of the universe to every passer-by.  This would } lead to hermits becoming redundant and you would be out of a job.  Keep } all of your secrets mentally filed.  Courses in memory management are } available at all good administration caves, so select your cave and then } immediately seek out the local admin cave. } } These pointers are all that is needed to start a career as a hermit. } Dedicate yourself to your cause, and enjoy deciphering the mysteries. } Good luck. } } You owe the Oracle a thorough summary of the mysteries of the universe } in which every third word begins with the letter 'S'.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Today in my English class this gorgeous woman tried to pick me up.  The > problem is, she grabbed my by my private parts to do so.  Why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle is much too gracious to carp on the spelling error that } occurred in your question, or to note the irony of the conjunction of } this error with your mention of an English class.  Besides, the Oracle } sometimes likes to seed his omnipresent answers with the occasional } misspelling of his own, just to see if the reader is awake. } } The gorgeous woman was in fact a succubus, sent to you by this selfsame } Oracle, to test you.  "Wait," you may ask in mock astonishment, "I } thought succubi only visited men in their sleep?" Don't try to kid a } kidder, young man.  I caught a clear glimpse of you nodding off during } the lecture, the fourth in a series on Keats's use of gerunds to bring } into bold focus Man's inhumanity to Man.  It's understandable you should } have trouble staying awake; just don't fib to the Oracle. } } Anyway, I am sorry to say you miserably failed the test posed to you by } Susie the Succubus.  You apparently assumed the test was of your purity, } or some such nonsense like that.  No, it was a test of your } intelligence, and anyone who has to ask "Why?" when a beautiful succubus } grabs him by his nay-nay has more troubles than this Oracle can help } with in a single missive.  I suggest remedial readings in the Masters & } Johnson library. } } You owe the Oracle a hernia truss.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey Great One! > > What exciting things can I do with 'cron'?  It seems that they left > crontab world-writable on my machine! >                                                       --Joe User >                                                         OCF >                                                         UC Berkeley

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well Joe, } } Being at Berkeley, you are already in a strange situation.  Berkeley was } lost in a time-flux, and dissappeared several years ago.  Therefore, you } may actaully be writing from the past but be in the future.  By altering } 'cron' you can alert the world of this situation.  If done correctly, } all will know that you are coming back, and can make the necessary } preperations. } } Good luck. } } However, if you sent this question before the flux hit, you are, as they } say in philosophical corners, "screwed." } } Sorry. } } The Oracle requires, as payment, one college protest.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       What can I do if I have nothing to do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You can: } } 1. Write a stupid question to the Oracle. } 2. Add specimens to your booger collection. } 3. Vote for Bill and Opus. } 4. Sit on an electric stove and burn a bullseye on your ass. } 5. Play catch with dynamite. } 6. Watch reruns of The Gong Show. } 7. Act out reruns of The Gong Show. } 8. Make out your Christmas list. } 9. Take away a Doberman's chew toy. } 10. Become a Doberman's new chew toy. (follows from #9) } 11. Go find Elvis. } 12. Bite the hand that feeds you. } 13. Tug on Superman's cape. } 14. Spit into the wind. } 15. Stick a fork in your toaster. } 16. Play Barry Manilow songs backwards. } } The Oracle thinks you get the picture.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why has my mind drawn a blank? > > Also, why did it take me four attempts to type the above line correctly?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The all-seeing, all-knowing, all-party-animalistic Oracle detects the } presence of one who is mightily stumped.  This naturally leads to the } question of why this came to pass. } }    I would say that you are a regular Oracle disciple, nay, even a } frequent disciple.  The prayer of devotion to the Oracle that you have } deemed a necessary part of your daily life has this time left you with } no real question to ask.  Therefore, the Deity that I am can conclude } that you have reached Enlightenment because I, the Great Wise Oracle, } have already answered all your questions.  You may now go to the Mystic } East, find a hill, and meditate on the Truth and Beauty of the Oracle } for the rest of your life, and say the sacred word "Mxyzptlk" as a } mantra against tooth decay. } }    The four attempts that you took to ask your sacred Question of } Enlightenment can be viewed as your personal spiritual manifestation of } the four Elements of Earth, Air, Fire and Water.  As you live your life } as an Oracle Guru in the hills of Tibet, remember to respect the Oracle } by interacting with the four elements by breathing Fire, bathing in } Earth, growing your food in the Air and cooking your food with Water. } }    You owe the Oracle continued peace and serenity.  Please continue } your daily prayer of devotion, too.  Remember always to face the East } when you do so.  This is not necessary, but it is needed (a) to impress } the non-disciples who you will occasionally meet on your mystic Tibetan } mound, and (b) to ensure that the sun keeps rising each day.  We have } enough problem with darkness as it is without wanting any more of it.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the average weight of elephant testicles on Sunday?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Funny you should ask...We just had some last weekend (yes, the ORACLE } does EAT) I remember getting the spit out that sunday morning, along } with the elephant gun and large nasty knife.  The spit was no small } bastard either, why just one month ago we had neigh on 100 amigas on } there roasting nicely, all under the watchful eye of the Intentional } Burning Monitor...now where was I....hmmm..  elephant balls!  Yep, that } elephant was a small one (only 3 ton), took nearly a dozen shots to do } him in, and most of monday to fill in the crater caused when he fell } over... } } Anyways, as soon as he was over, the DP, wielding the nast knife in one } hand and the spit skewer in the other (this was no ordinary DP) expertly } severed the scrotum just near the belly, avoided a well aimed kick at } his scrotum (i guess that elephant wasnt quite dead yet), and drove the } skewer straight thru the center of the left testicle.  We all helped } pull the skewer horizontal again, and drag it back to the barbeque. } Problem was that as soon as we lifted the damn ball, the skewer snapped, } right in the middle of the knacker! } } Of course, I, the oracle, dying of hunger, had the solution:  Use the } elephants member to support it over the hot coals.  SO the air } compressorwas brought out on the double.... } } Anyway, as you can see from last sunday's proceedings of the IEEE } (International Elephant Eaters Extravaganza), Elephant balls are } EXTREMELY heavy on sundays especially around lunchtime when everybody } wants to eat them...I calculated somewhere in the vicinity of 1/2 ton } each....

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most Concave One, please tell me: > >       How does a computer work?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A computer is a complicated piece of machinery.  At the heart of the } computer is a small wheel, in which a small rodent runs.  Alan Turing } was the man who first conceived of this basic concept, which is now } demonstrated in pet stores throughout the world.  I suppose it would be } fair to say that pet stores actually sell computers, but IBM wouldn't } like that.  You should have figured out the workings of a computer if } yours ever broke.  When the computer guy comes to fix it, sneak a look } inside his briefcase.  It will be lined with cedar chips. }       Since small rodents, aren't very smart, there is need of something } called a "co-processor", which consists of five of the buggers, in } parallel.  They can usually figure out simple math problems, at least } until one of them croaks.  If your computer starts goofing up math, you } may have blown a rodent. } }       Now you now how a computer works.  Go impress your friends with } your newfound knowledge. } } You owe the Oracle a little wheel to run around in.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mondays are really boring.  Am I the only one who feels so?  If not, can > we just get rid of mondays? > > Upset Fred, the Rediculous Rhino a.k.a.  UFiRR the Great!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Only a non-omnipotent, non-omniscient being such as yourself would find } Mondays boring.  Following are the top ten good things about Mondays. } } 10. Monday is really easy to spell, not like Teusday or Wensday. }  9. You can tell everyone you see on Monday, about what a great weekend }     you had. }  8. You can call in sick on Monday, to recover from the great weekend }     you had. }  7. If it wasn't for Monday, Tuesdays would be the first weekday and be }     the really boring one. }  6. The solar system hardly ever blows up on a Monday. }  5. Without Mondays, the rhyme would go "26 days hath September }     (usually)". }  4. The Mamas and the Papas would have had one less hit record. }  3. Monday is named for the moon, which used to be a really cool planet. }  2. What would you do without Monday Night Football? }  1. Since today is Monday, you would not have sent me your question. You }     would just be sitting in a trackless void. } } As to your other questions: no, you are not the only one who feels that } way. In fact, among non-omnipotent, non-omniscient beings, the only } one who does not in fact share your opinion is Irving J. Monday of } Fort Lee, New Jersey. } } Could we just get rid of Mondays?  Sure.  Just alter the universal } gravitational constant by about 2% higher, and there you are.  Be } careful not to raise it much more than that, because the effect is } nonlinear, and you could end up with negative-e-to-the-pi days in a } week.  As with many tasks, this really is one best left to the } professionals.  Kidz, don't try this at home! } } You owe the Oracle a wall calendar from a car repair shop.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Walking home today I ran into a gnome.  Literally.  Why did it vanish in > a puff of greasy smoke when it died?  I didn't mean to kill the poor > soul.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Give me a gnome, } With a face full of chrome } Who disappears in a puff of pink haze } I did not expect } When his face hit the deck } That this would be the end of his days } } (Yes, yes I know you weren't driving a car.  But exactly } what sort of wit did you expect at this time of the } morning?) } } You owe the Oracle a set of skid marks and a breath test.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> is the yakur phlenstien hereditary?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let me tell you something in confidence, friend.  Most people think the } Usenet Oracle is some Omniscient Being, and just *knows* the answer to } all these bizarre questions.  The truth is, I'm just this one person in } a dingy little office in a subbasement in Washington, with a total staff } of four dwarves who do all my research for me.  Now it's true that after } a long time of answering weird questions, I do know a lot of stuff, and } more important, I've learned how to make snide remarks, so that it } sounds like I know what I'm talking about and have just decided to be } sparklingly witty instead of straightforward, when the truth is that } half the time I'm as clueless as the next person. } Still, once in a while a question like yours comes along, and my first } reaction is:'I bet this yakur phlenstien is some poor schmuck this guy } is making fun of.' But then I think maybe not.  Maybe this guy has asked } a really funny, witty question.  So I send all four of my dwarves on } research duty, and they scoure the city libraries top to bottom trying } to find out what a yakur phlenstien is, and it turns out to be some poor } shmuck you're making fun of. } Now you may ask, 'Why is the Oracle telling me all this?' The answer is } that first, I want you to know I can take a joke just like anybody.  Ha } Ha.  Second, all your files are about to be erased, and your terminal is } about to explode quite violently, so I'd brace myself (under a distant } table.)