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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> why am i mad?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O seeker of knowledge or at least of a decent pizza, } }        This would all depend on what you mean by mad.  Por ejemplo, are } you angry mad, are you mad about someone, are you insane mad, or are you } Mad Magazine? }        Given this limited information, it will be hard to answer your } query.  I shall have to bring most of powers to bear on this one. } } 1. You are mad because your roommate inserted his/her pet goldfish in }  the very slot that your VGA card is supposed to go.  You are doubly mad }  because instead of taking the time out to replace the card with the }  fish, your roommate merely impaled the fish with the card. } } 2. You are simply mad about your roommate because there is no way to }  resist a person who impales goldfish on roommates' VGA cards.  There is }  something irresistable about the way he/she inflicts pain, something }  that intrigues you. } } 3. You are insane mad because you have been under the influence of your }  roommate for too long.  Your roommate's habit of impaling goldfish on }  VGA cards,even while they are in the computer, has entirely warped your }  sensibilities and your perception of reality. } } 4. You are Mad Magazine because of the quantum interconnectedness of }    allthings.  Similarly, I am Mad Magazine, your roommate is Mad }    Magazine, and the goldfish your roommate impaled on your VGA card is }    Mad Magazine. } } You owe the oracle a framed and autographed photo of Alfred E. Neuman.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O most Recursive One, I must know... > >       What is the fundamental fabric of the Universe?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Actually, there isn't just One Fundamental Fabric that the } universe is composed of.  However, due to certain universal codes } pertaining to textiles (as seen in the Book of Leviticus, where the } Creator prohibits the mixing of different kinds of cloth), a homogeneous } cloth had to be synthesized by His servants (which, coincidentally, } closely resemble ferrets).  Unfortunately, many of the lower forms of } life in the universe mistook this cloth for food, and packaged it for } mass distribution. }       So, next time you bite down into a Little Debbie Swiss Cake Roll, } contemplate how you are dwarfed by its significance in the Big Picture. } } You owe the Oracle a gallon of creme filling.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do the lower left and upper right arms of the X on my screen > not align?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You seem to be taking this rather calmly. Have you not noticed the } blurring of your vision? The recurrent headaches? The fact that } your left arm has mutated into a crab claw, and your toenails } are sprouting hair? } } Read through the following instructions completely, for your safety's } sake: } } 1) Turn off your computer and monitor. } 2) Twis...<bzzzt> [No, you imbecile, finish reading before you turn it }    off!] } } You owe the Oracle a crab leg dinner.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What do you do when some clinically insane netter insists on ignoring > your witty and perceptive responses to his incoherent ravings?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why keep this mailing-program cutti

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} How strange. My mailing-program rather } begin }   integer BiscuitBarrel=200; } inserts lots of mail katzenjammer@old.crummy.vax old rubbish } alt.several.butchers.aprons into my egrep -rf snotface.yec } mail messages, or even replaces part of the squirrels. } and therefore we see that y=sin(t-1) Any file might be inter-mixed, } which ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~^[[A } } }                         #########################&31z$ } } } } } } can cause quite } } KSDJHFTRGSD"#LKTJFGH#$%&SDL|#$IYT}PQ|4E5632z31z1z29z'}28z30z31zIRGHV } -SFDOASERY{PUIH } 22z22z }    Recieved: from iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Tue Nov  6 12:1 } 0:5    some problems. } } You owe the Oracle a busty JYUR$KIUO(/I&/27z&#

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mr.  Oracle, sir, I was hoping that maybe possibly you might consider > helping me.  You see, I have always wanted to write you and ask a > question.  But every time I sit down at my computer to type, I get as > far as "mail oracle@iuv" and my hands begin to tremble and I start to > gasp for air.  How can I get over this fear?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Firstly, you did the right thing by asking the Oracle for advice.  Many } are awed by the omniscient Oracle, and rightfully so.  This is what many } of his first time questioners try to break the nervousness. } } 1.  Write out your question by hand.  Then have an image scanner get a } picture of the question in computer memory, then a converter to change } the characters into an ASCII file.  This saves much time and anxiety } from trying to use your local Mail program. } } 2.  Keep a non-threatening mail alias handy, so that you don't have to } type the oracle@iuv....  nonsense.  Choose an alias like "fluffybunny" } or "pinkroom" or "cottonunderwear" or some other such soothing word as } your alias.  It will take some of the pressure off. } } 3.  Keep an oxygen tent handy.  If your keyboard is mobile, you can even } type from there.  This will help your breathing. } } 4.  Take a muscle-relaxant right before attempting to pose questions to } the Oracle.  The Oracle suggests 32 ounces of premium lager before each } question. } } 5.  If all else fails, have someone else type questions for you.  Of } course, they must be someone you can trust, and even then, it'll } probably cost you. } } If you are still having problems after following these steps..  well I } guess you're hosed. } } The Oracle says, "Moderation in everything, including moderation." } } You now owe the Oracle a question.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Two questions: >       1: What is the worst disease you have encountered? >       2: How did I contract it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well now, there are so many horrible, delightfully gruesome diseases I } could tell you about, but from the second part of your question I see } you have a particular one in mind. } } Rather sneaky of you, actually, to have the Oracle diagnose your } condition instead of going to a hospital, since if there's any } profession that has more outrageous fees than the Oracle, it's the } medical profession. } } What you have is the tertiary phase of oraculococcus infection.  This } bacteria causes a glazing of the eyes, and addictive use of electronic } mail.  It causes rapid physical and mental deterioration in its victims, } who soon find that they cannot leave their terminals, but feel compelled } to continuously send and receive inane messages in a feverish attempt to } have one of their entries appear on the Oracularities.  The condition is } irreversible, and almost invariably fatal.  It is highly contagious, and } usually contracted through the eyeballs via Usenet connected terminals. } } You owe the Oracle your estate - please contact your lawyer and change } your will quickly, as you don't have a lot of time.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why did the Oakland Athletics lose the World Series?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Clearly there are several reasons that the A's lost the world series. } The first and most obvious is that the World series is currently } undergoing an alphabetical pattern of winners.  The A's were first.  the } braves were skipped because according to an secret memo from then } Comissioner Bart Giamatti..."....the Braves shall never be allowed to } finsh higher than second to last in the divisional races as long as } major league baseball exists lest Ted Turner think he is a stud once } again and start making those silly comercials about sailing and } cigarrettes again...." Now we are at Cincinati.  Unfortunately this } means that the A's will never win another series until they (1) change } their name (2) start putting an "O" for Oakland on their hats.  Another } theory as to why the A's didn't win the series is simple aerodynamics. } When one examins the A's best players one can see the following..  Jose } Canseco, Denis Ekersley, and the manager Tony Larussa...all of these } players (managers) had huge tufts of hair growing from their heads. } This is aerodynamically unsound thus slowing down the team just enough } for the reds to win

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, Oracle, on the net, > How may I quickly get out of debt?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Boy, can that guy dance! } (Whoops. Caught me reviewing my stash of Fred Astaire movies) } } Now, let's see, what was that question? } } Oh, Yeah, the reduction of financial responsibility.  Fortunately } the Oracle doesn't have that concern. (It's GOOD to be the } Oracle!) } } While there are numerous ways of doing this, the most } satisfactory and risk free is as follows. } }  1. Declare yourself to be an independent nation (The fun part hee }   is that you get to name it) } }  2. Adopt a political system contrary to the current Western }   Nations.  While Tyranny is always a good choice, the limited }   population (1) of your nation makes this somewhat ridiculous. You }   might consider the advantages that anarchy offers (no troublesome }   rules, and it is *still* the only form of government that works }   the way it is designed to). } }  3. Declare war on the United States. } }  4. (and this is very important.  Failure to follow this rule can }   be embarassing for all parties involved).  Lose. } } Naturally, as in every case where the US has won the war, you } will immediately receive a massive foreign aid grant, interest } free loans, food shipments, an invitation to vist the White } House, an invitation to appear on the talk show circuit and } offers of marriage from numerous Hollywood starlets. } }  5. Now the tricky part. Declare that all foreign debts are no }   longer valid as you are under the direct control of the United }   States Government, which is thus responsible.  You are now free }   of debt. } }  6. (No, you aren't finished). Move large portions of the grant }   and loan monies into potable currency. Declare yourself persona }   non grata and go into exile in some country without a extradition }   policy. } } Thus everyone is happy.  You've cleared up your debt, and } arranged it so that you should be financially secure for some } time.  The United States is happy, as they have cleaned up yet } another "Evil Empire".  The president is happy; the people are } happy.  Everything is right in the world. } } You owe the Oracle one well funded Swiss bank account, and two } econimists who agree with each other.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mr. Oracle, what's the equation of a social circle?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Social circle, eh?  Well, lessee here...  you take the square root of } 42...  add it to the reciprocal of...  [scribble scribble] maybe it's } the third root of c minus the LaPlace expansion of...  [scribble } scribble] BAH!  Why don't we visit a social circle (among other } polygons) and see what she says... } [sound of footsteps down hallway] } [knock! knock! knock!] } } [blaring music in background] } Terry Triangle: "Oh HI!  Didn't expect to see you here, Mr Oracle!" } } Well Terry, I'm here to visit Carrie.  You see, a mortal wants to check } out her equation. } } "Oooohhh, serious, huh?" } } Maybe. } } [sound of more footsteps, broken with random conversation] } } Perry Pentagon: "Hey baby, what's your angle?" } } Penelope Polygon: "What do you want it to be, baby?" } } Uh... we'll keep moving... OH HI Carrie! } } Carrie Circle: "Hi Oracle!  What are you doing here?" } } Oh, just checking out Terry's party.  Actually, I'm here to ask you a } question for a mortal. } } "Really?  For me?  What is it?" } } Uh... er... it's kinda... personal... } } "HOW personal?" } } Uh... er... this mortal wants to know... your equation. [SLAP!] } } "WELL, YOU CAN GIVE THAT TO THE MORTAL FOR ME!  I'VE NEVER BEEN..." } } Carrie!  Wait!  The question was for ANY social circle! } } "I DON'T CARE!  I'VE NEVER BEEN SO HUMILIATED IN MY LIFE!  MY EQUATION, } HAH!  IF HE WANTS TO KNOW MY EQUATION, HE'S GONNA HAVE TO..." } } Uh, I think this is where I send you back before things turn ugly. } } You owe the Oracle a dozen roses and a written apology, before Carrie } tries to kill both of us.