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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most Omnipissant Oracle, what is the difference between John Updike's > Roger's Version and anyones elses??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Omnipissant, eh? } } You know, every once in a while a smarty-pants amoeba like yourself } thinks they can slip one past the old Oracle. You think the Oracle } is getting old and senile, and doesn't read the questions carefully } anymore. So you try to slip in a little insult with one of your } typically meaningless questions with the idea that you and your } infantile little friends can laugh at the old Oracle when he } completely misses it in his answer. } } Well you know those dirty little magazines you keep under your } mattress? Your girlfriend, mother and the police all know about } them now. And you know when you were swinging your baseball bat, when } you where 14, and you knocked the headlight out and dented the hood } on your father's '57 Mustang, and then you told him your neighbor's } kid Johnny did it? Your Dad, Johnny, Johnny's Dad, and Johnny's } motorcycle gang all know about it now. All potential employers have } been informed that you have a kinky thing for paperclips, and that } you like building booger stalactites under the boardroom table } so the VP's get it on their pants without knowing how. And last, but } not least: both the IRS and the FBI have been notified that the charity } that accounted for several thousand dollars of tax deductions on } your last return was actually Guido the Reefer King, and Guido knows } they know and thinks you told them. } } Count yourself lucky I don't get pissed off easily.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, I did what you said with the Fiendish Mind Control Device, > (the instructions were great, thanks) and turned all the men into labor > drones and all the women into sex slaves, but I can't read this last > part of your instructions.   The part between "IMPORTANT SAFETY TIP" > and "including the walrus." is blurred (spilled Diet Coke on it, > sorry).  What do I do now?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Here is the section omitted from your instructions: } } }    Congratulations!  You have purchased an extremely fine device that } would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that } you undoubtably will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer } maneuver.  Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS } OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE.  YOU ALREADY } UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU?  YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED } IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD } WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDED AND } SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH HE KNOBS, } RIGHT?  AND YOU'RE JUST NOW STARTING TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS, } RIGHT???  WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE } FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT? } }     However, we have take great care to ensure that even a total nimrod } like you can get decades of orgiastic adolescent power tripping so long } as you make sure that this aparatus does not come in contact with an } aqueous solution of carbonic acid, phosphoric acid, and aspartame.  This } means that it is vital that you keep all such mixtures from touching } any part of this aparatus.  If you do, the subsequent bio-psycho-feed- } back will cause free all people from your control while simultaneously } causing your generative organs to swell so that they are larger and more } ugly than any lump of mammalian protoplasm, including the walrus. } }                               - O - } }    Umm.... did you say that you spilled diet Coke on it?   Oopsie! } That's why we don't give warranties with these kits.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Should I go to grad school and become an anal retentive, sexually > frustrated deviant like the rest of the goons on this network?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, my child, you should go to grad school. } } Never mind that it will leach six or eight years from you during the } prime of your life. } } Never mind that members of the opposite sex will always tell you, } "Oh...Computers! How...interesting..." } } Never mind that you will be constantly surrounded by a bigger group of } social rejects than your faculty. } } Never mind that you will work long sleepless days and nights on end, } eating only things that are bad for you. } } Never mind that the only thing you will remember one month afterwards } is where the LaTeX fonts directory is. } } Never mind that the total material gain you will receive for your } pains will be comprised of: }  1. One piece of paper (8.5in x 11in sideways, larger if it's a good }     school) which no one will ever ask to see in anyway. }  2. One draft copy of your thesis--you will be too poor to afford a }     copy of the final version. }  3. $2k extra salary over those who only got a BS, $4k if Phd. } } Yes, never mind these minor mortal concerns, for you are well on your } way to...Enlightenment! Besides, it will make your parents happy. In } the case of the Oracle, whose parents--being Old Gods--demand plenty, } 4207 post-doc degrees and 643 viginal sacrifices have been necessary } to date... } } You owe the Oracle a six-pack of Coke and two boxes of Twinkies } (original, NOT strawberry filled).

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What happens if you clean a self-cleaning oven?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} For submitting such a lovely question, you will be granted a wish.  Of } course your wish will be to gaze upon the likeness of the Almighty } Oracle like countless foolish mortals before you, but it is your wish, } and it will be granted.  To gaze upon the splendid visage of an immortal } is a bit akin to looking into a google-watt lightbulb, but the all too } brief nanosecond of visual ecstasy will burn a lifelong impression into } your soul...  after which your retini will vaporize into your ecosystem. } } Rejoice and be glad for you will be among the company of the blessed. } }       "What happens if you comb a bald head?" }                       -submitted by Stevie Wonder, 1952 } }       "What happens if you don't go to India for Ghandifest '88?" }                       -submitted by Helen Keller, 1878 } }       "What happens if you take out your actual size relief map of }        north america from your glove compartment?" }                       -submitted by Mr Magoo } }       "Hey buddy, did you know that your windows are tinted illegally?" }                       -submitted by Officer Hannigan, 1978 } } You owe the Oracle a pair of Raybans.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O mighty Oracle, tell me why girls just wanna be friends.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is a common Misconception.  In fact, girls just want to have fun. } (As expressed - Lauper - 198*) You can't have fun with enemies, so girls } want to be friends } Whilst this is part of the answer, it is not the complete answer. } Females are different from Males - Women have basic biological } differences, I.e.  Women recognise new hairstyles and new clothes, } whilst men notice new cars and beers on the market.  Women notice old } food in the fridge, whilst men forget who put it there.  Women like to } dress up; Men like to get down and get funky in that old shirt that's 14 } sizes to small, but still has the college emblem faintly recognisable on } the back.  Women drink alcohol, Men chug vast quantities of lager } (except if there are important women present, in which case they drink } small glasses of shandi).  Men are hypocrites, whereas women backstab. } Men know the value of a 350 engine, even though it's sat in the garage } for 2 and a half years BUT ONE DAY I'LL GET AROUND FITTING IT INTO THAT } PUSSY YOU DRIVE, AND THEN YOU'LL REALLY KNOW WHAT DRIVING IS, whilst } women know the value of love and compassion.  MEN INHERENTLY KNOW THAT } THE RATTLING YOU'RE HEARING IS THE TIMING CHAIN, AND YOU'VE ONLY GOT 400 } MILES LEFT BEFORE IT POPS AND YOU'RE STRANDED IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE - } BUT DON'T WORRY, I'LL GET IT DONE WHEN I'M FINISHED IN THE DEN, OK!, } whilst women know that something needs fixing, and so take it in and get } it done.  MEN know survival techniques with a cat-like instinct, whilst } women know men similarly.  Women realise the true value of expensive } perfume, whilst men know that women will never truly appreciate the } value of the smell of a good dump in and expensive formica shithouse } (especially at someone else's place).  Women have social graces, whilst } men cruise in mouth-alert mode waiting for someone to say that the 69ers } can't play for shit, AND THEN THE SHIT STARTS.  Men just say "It isn't } working out", whilst women say "DAVE, We've been seeing each other for } several weeks now, and I feel that our relationship has moved above the } mere bagatelle of sexual encounters, and that for our relationship to } gain further meaning, we must move into a non-committed, non-sexual } basis" instead of saying "DAVE, this has been the worst 5 weeks of my } life, and, had I the free choice, i'd rather go out with a banana on the } end of a bit of blue string; the sex was about as good as being struck } across the groin with a land mine and a bad of rice crispies, and, for } the level of our friendship to remain anything greater than me spitting } in your face and on everything you touch or own, I think you should pack } up your stuff, including that wimpy baseball you carry as a good-luck } charm, you feeb, and get the hell out of here.  And if you mention to } anyone that we did..  ug..  IT..  I will have my two brothers hunt you } to the end of the earth and insert large road mending appliances where I } believe they will do ME the most good.  Let's just be friends, ok?" } } I hope this has answered your question.  The Oracle-S requires the name } and address of your "friend"

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, please tell me, what is the mean of life? > Or, should I use the median, or mode?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  It's not the mean you have to worry about, me bucko, it's the standard } deviation.  The mean is right where you'd expect it to be, but } everybody's so damn kinky that the s.d.  is way way out of control.  The } Deity Fathers have talked about throwing out the sample but that would } mean lots of shouting, and fire and brimstone.  Basically, after the } flood accident, their insurance went through the ceiling and they've had } a terrible time getting even basic coverage for any new creation. } }  You yourself could fall within 2 s.d's of the norm, but there's that } thing you like to do when your roomies go out for the evening.  Frankly, } I'm suprised they haven't caught on by now, what with all the animal fur } lying around.  They seem like bright people to me, ah well. } }  You owe the Oracle the Integral of Madonna's cones, (nudge, wink)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear massive one, > > Recently I looked up the definition of "recursive" in my favorite > textbook and it had "see recursive" for a meaning. > > Is there anything I can do regarding textbook authors who try to be > funny but hopelessly fail?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Say, did you know that gullible isn't in the dictionary? } } Odd yet true.  Go see for youself.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great Wise Oracle: >       Whither Dan Quayle?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle wishes to point out that the White House publishes schedules } for the President and Vice President and does not wish to be viewed as a } substitute for a well-placed telephone call. } } If you meant "Wither Dan Quayle", though, there's not much hope.  The } Vice President's feet seem firmly planted in enough manure to keep him } growing for a long time to come. } } The Oracle requires more hope for humanity to continue after these } depressing thoughts.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is life worth living?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Maybe.  It all depends on your frame of reference.  If you look at } simple biological life, then your instincts should guide you.  If you're } talking about intellectual life, your professors or peers should guide } you.  If you speak of emotional life, then you're on your own, pal. } } It's that emotional stuff that makes questions concerning life so } difficult to answer.  Therefore, follow these easy steps to determine if } YOUR life is worth living: }       1) Sit down. }       2) Compute your emotional equivalence ratio (EER).  This is done }          by following these simple steps - }               a) list all the good things and bad things that happened }                  to you today. }               b) total these separate columns, and subtract the bad }                  points from the good points. }               c) modify the final score by the following: }                       +5 if you own a pet }                       +3 if you have a Significant Other }                       +2 if you have a Very Good Stereo }                       +1 for each apple that you have eaten today }                          (assuming it was not counted as a Good Thing }                          above) }                       -10 if your pet was run over earlier today }                       -5 if you are married }                       -3 if the Jehovah's Witnesses have been around }                          today }                       -1 on general principals }               d) divide your final score by 3 (so you don't feel bad }                  about your score being so high or low) }               e) if your score is positive, good for you.  Life is worth }                  living. }               f) if your score is zero, try again tomorrow. }               g) otherwise, go buy a banana split - maybe it'll put you }                  up over the zero mark. } } And that's all there really is to determining the worthiness of life. } And next time, be sure to make sure that the terminal is plugged in } before pouring syrup onto the keyboard. } } You owe the Oracle one Very Good Stereo to put me over the 100 point } mark.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If a mime falls in the forest, does he make a sound?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Seeker of Unisolatable Quarks (Truth and Beauty), } } As I read your question, a similar question popped into my mind.  And } that is, if a mime falls in the forest, does anyone care?  I quickly } convinced myself that in fact, no one cares, and set about to research } the in depth answer to your question. } } I rummaged through my archives, including the PanHistoric Encyclopedia } of Everything and Everyone.  And drew a blank.  I consulted the Physics } of Sound, and the Physics of Mime, and neither had an "extra information } box" (the kind you are always lead to believe are optional reading, } when, in fact, your professor tests you on them) on the subject, let } alone a chapter.  I came to the conclusion that it was necessary to } conduct an experiment.  As I am a theoretician, this came as an awful } shock, and so I lay in a daze for a significant amount of time.  A warm } shower, and a cold bathroom woke up my brain and I set about to "get my } hands dirty" with the scientific method. } } The experiment was to take 100 mimes to a forest, have them fall and } record whether or not they made any noises.  In chosing the forest I } was, in fact, careful not to pick a place with the trees distributed } such that sound waves would be reflected and cause such destructive } interference that is no sound at all is/was ever heard (similar to that } dark wooded area next to your house that you always had to walk through } on your way back from trick-or-treating). } } I trudged into the Appalachian Mountains with my 100 mimes and set to } experimenting.  This is what resulted: }    22 mimes were attacked by angry squirrels for mimicking them.  In the } style of David and Goliath, these mimes where dead before hitting the } ground - no sound was heard. }    12 mimes were knocked down by hungry grizzly bears that made too much } noise to actually tell if the mimes made any sounds at all. }    11 mimes fell onto porcupines.  Resulting in 11 loud pissed-off } rodents. }    10 mimes ran away, making no noise until they happened to hit a large } oak, at which point a loud "Umph!" escaped their lips.  Upon actually } hitting the ground, no more sounds eminated from these mimes. }    9 mimes were abducted by Smokey the Bear for leaving a campfire } burning when they'd been boy scouts. }    8 mimes being out of the oppressive city atmosphere got drugged by } the fresh air and danced away singing "The hills are alive...  with the } sound of music. }    7 mimes were crushed under falling trees.  As in the case of the } grizzly bear too much noise was made to tell if any sound was admitted } by the mime.  The recorder of the experiment was also prudently running } in the opposite direction, quite ignoring the whole process. }    6 mimes were attacked by a small man in a tuxedo with a large nose } (actually a flightless waterfowl).  He wielded his pimento loaf with } such speed, the mimes were taken unawares, and made no noises upon } actual impact. }    5 mimes climbed up imaginary trees and fell, screaming until they } actually hit the ground.  Again, no noise escaped upon actual impact. }    4 mimes were skewered by unsprung traps from First Blood. }    3 mimes climbed up imaginary trees and never came down. }    2 mimes tripped on their way into the forest and broke their noses. }    1 mime told the Oracle to "f*ck off" and was subsequently destroyed } by a wandering lightning bolt. } } As a scientist I was only able to conclude that when mimes actually fall } in the forest they do not, in fact make a sound.  This is assuming that } the "fall" means impact with the ground.  Should however the fall } include any time between standing up and laying horizontally upon the } Mother Earth mimes do, in fact, tend to make a noise, however another } experiment would be required.  In assuming the former, we can divine } that the only thing going through the minds of the mimes as they fell } was something akin to what the petunias thought.  "Oh no.  Not again." } } You owe the Oracle a silent film.