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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, mighty oracle, I have pondered many questions in my time, some of > which I really could care less about, like: > >  Where does my fist go when I open my hand? >  Where does my lap go when I stand up? > > There is, however, two questions of utmost importance to me: > > Who are the Grateful Dead, and why do they keep following me? > > Sometimes I also wonder about what the thing my Aunt gave me is that > keeps turning up after I throw it away.  Do you have any idea about > that?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let me see... Grateful Dead following some guy... I could swear I saw } something about that just a few millenium ago.  Where did I put that } note...(shuffle,shuffle,mumble)... ah, here it is. } } Hmmm... this is mighty curious.  The Grateful Dead, of course, are } simply the latest incarnation of Thankful Deceased, who in a prior life } were the Appreciative Defunct, and before that Gratified Departed, the } Beholden Demised, and way way back when man still thought using Roman } numerials was a neat idea, the Not-Quite-Unhappy Gone-But-Not-Forgotten } (this predates even "American Beauty", although not by much).  The } N-Q-U G-B-N-F were, of course, the first true rock band... beating out } the Rotating Boulders and the Jefferson Pterodactyl by a few years. } } The curious part is that YOU are the current reincarnation of the part } of Jerry Garcia, and the current Jerry Garcia is a reincarnation of a } past "Defunct-head".  In fact, all the members of the Grateful Dead are } former "Defunct-heads", "Demised-heads", and "Gone-But-Not-Forgotten- } heads"; you and five other individuals whose spirits contain the REAL } essence of the original group are doomed to be forever followed by } these incarnations of your past fans.  And, of course, all the rest of } the current "Deadheads" have no choice but to blindly follow (most being } incarnations of lemmings). } } A VERY IMPORTANT NOTE:  Do NOT, repeat DO NOT, try to contact the other } five incarnations of the true band. I am not at liberty to elaborate on } this point, except to say that a lot of effort and planning at the most } high levels of the Cosmos was put into breaking the group up.  If you } six should ever meet, it could be the end of mortal existance as you } know it today.  (This has almost happened once before, during the Disco } era, but everyone was too far gone to notice). } } Oh, that thing your Aunt gave you that keeps coming back is just the } reincarnation of the stage crew... you are doomed to keep that too. } Put it in a small box underneath a bowl of petunias, never feed it } after midnight, and keep it away from small children... } } You owe the Oracle a copy of "Blues For Allah" on CD and three naked } female teenage "Deadheads".

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is there a Santa Claus?  If there is, can he be reached via the > Internet, as you have allowed us to reach you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    The oracle has taken its time to answer this question, since it } required a great deal of research and exploration.  Several remote } sub-oracle-units (little arctic robots) were sent to the north pole to } check out the existence of the Man in Red. } }    As yet, they have scoured the northern ice cap of this planet, and } have found no trace of the guy, nor his abode.  It would appear from } this preliminary investigation that the said individual is conspicuously } absent from the physical existence plane ho ho ho. } }    The literature makes references to the transportation device employed } by Mr Claus goodness me, being in the main a set of twelve ungulates my } dears.  Ho ho ho!  Whoa Rudolph!  And what would YOU like for Saturnalia } little network user?  It would also appear that any individual who - How } about a nice electric train set - spends enough time in the pursuit of } Father Christmas begins to acquire the characteristics of ho ho ho his } mythical existence, as is evident from the large number of Claus-clones } ho ho hoing their way around cities during the 'festive season'. } }    You owe the oracle a stocking FULL of 486'es, database software, lots } of chewy RPG compilers (yum!), and a car fridge in a Capri.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wh d s ofte dro th las lette o ever wor?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Keyboard error - fingers dumped

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do the words "flammable" and "inflammable" mean the same thing?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The words "flammable" and "inflammable" do not in fact mean the same } thing. It was a communist plot started years ago to try to confuse } local firefighters, hence the term 'Reds' } } Inflammable does in fact mean burnable, whilst flammable means that } the item can be flammed. Flamming, of course, involves stiking with } a flam. Since nobody has ever observed a Flam in captivity, the } word fell into disuse, making it a perfect target for the communist } plot. Simple, isn't it. } } Anyway, now that the Great Thaw has started, we needn't worry about } that any more. } } You owe the Oracle a breeding pair of Flams.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do pigeons bob their heads when they walk?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It is a little known fact that the pigeon is a distant relative of the } "dippy-bird"--that's one of those little birds, usually constructed of a } clear round-bottomed flask and a red bird-like hard-foam-rubber head } hinged at the waist, so it can boink, boink up-and-down.  Stick these } babies near a glass of water, and it'll be bobbing until it evaporates, } no joke!  Eighth grade teachers often use this little friend, as it } loosely explains thermometers and gas laws, and its effects are quite } mesmerising. } } As pigeons move forward, the liquid in their tail section cools down. } As this happens, the fluid level in their gullet sinks down into the } tail section, causing their head to rise.  As the liquid warms up once } again the fluid level rises, and the bird bobs its head down.  Imagine } the metabolic system of these little guys.  No wonder they go through so } much waste material! } } The Oracle suggests several dippy-birds strategically placed around the } house as "ice-breakers" for new guests. } } You now owe the Oracle a new statue of himself.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Mightiest of Mighty Oracles, > > Is it true that playing music during sex can improve orgasms?  Which > kinds of music are good and bad?  Where does bagpipe music fit in?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well...  YES!  Music CAN improve your sex life.  The question of WHICH } music to play, however, is dependent on you.  For some people, Mozart } works best.  For others, Olivia-Newton John is better.  (However, NOBODY } thinks that Wayne Newton enhances their orgasms) Let me give you a brief } list of 'good' and 'bad': } } **GOOD** } Enya } Depeche Mode } Peter Gabriel (and early Genesis) } Select tracks from Zeppelin IV } Any Classical music (baroque works best) } Iron Maiden (STRICTLY at your own risk) } Any slow jazz } } **BAD** } Conway Twitty } John Denver (unless you live in Arkansas) } Village People (unless you're Erik Estrada) } 'White Rap' (Beastie Boys) } and the 'Dionne Warwick sings Cole Porter' album. } } Also, these are the 'good' and 'bad' for Lisa, net.sex.goddess: } } **GOOD** } Anything loud } Anything quiet } Anything } } **BAD** } Muzak } }  Where does bagpipes fit in?  Well, if you're making love to a Scotch, } or to a Haggis, then bagpipe music will be beneficial.  To all others, } though...  definitely not. } } You owe the Oracle a CD of "John Denver sings Enya" before I go to see } Lisa tonight.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm dying of an incurable disease previously unknown to science.  How > should I spend my last two months?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} At such times, it is important to remember that although time may seem } scarce, a number of things must be done before you can properly decide } what to do with your remaining time. The central question is, if your } disease was previously unknown to science, how does your doctor know } it's incurable, and that you have two months to live? } } Follow this checklist: } } 1)Ask your doctor for a second opinion. } } 2)Ask a different doctor for a first opinion. } } 3)Ignore both these opinions, sue your first doctor for malpractice } and report your second doctor to the Better Business Bureau. } } 4)Report the Better Business Bureau branch office to their central } office for corruption and collusion with local doctors. } } 5)Report their central office to the FBI for conspiracy to assasinate } the president. } } 6)Explain to the Secret Service that your report to the FBI was a sick } joke you were forced to carry out by the CIA. } } 7)Escape from the mental hospital, change your name and take up } residence in New Mexico. } } 8)Hire a lawyer to sue the government for miscarriage of justice; now } sue your lawyer for legal malpractice, and ask him to represent you in } your case against him. } } 9)When the civil suite against your own lawyer comes up, plead not } guilty and refuse to answer any further questions. } } 10)Upon readmission to the mental hospital, kiss the head psychiatrist } full on the lips and tell him you're in love with the orderly. } } After you've completed all these things, you will discover that it is } six months since your doctor told you you would die, and not only are } you not dead, but you are comfortably set in a nice rent-free room for } the rest of your days. Does the Oracle deliver, or what? } } Alternatively you could do the only thing worth doing no matter how } little or long you have to live: go to Maui and windsurf the ten foot } swells -- a one way ticket to Nirvana. } } You owe the Oracle a Mistral Screamer and a nice 7 meter racing sail.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Can you feel me, Ded?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Running spelling corrector ... } } Question is } >>  Can you feel me, dead? } } Running punctuation corrector ... } } Question is } >>  Can you feel me dead? } } Running semantic interpreter ... } Two meanings found: } (1)  Can you feel me when you are dead? } (2)  Can you feel me when I am dead? } } Running question answerer ... } (1)  No. } (2)  Yes -- if I outlive you.  And since I am the Oracle, I will. }      But just because I can doesn't mean I will.  The Oracle has no }      time for necrophilia, especially on bodies that look the way }      yours will by the time you die. } } You owe it to the Oracle to die while you still have your good looks.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is water wet?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Were water wet in outer space } Then astronauts would simply shower } Or bath and splash and lark apace; } Instead in rubber suits they glower } And wish that there were easier ways } To soap their arms and sponge their face. } } Were water wet in glaciers } Or icebergs huge, or snowfall deep } Then missing would be frontiers; } The lands we love and wish to keep } We'd only view from gondoliers } Or peering down from ends of piers. } } Were water wet in power plants } Then giant turbines would stay still } And with them all our stimulants } Like TV set, eye-level grill, } Strip lighting and refridgerants. } We wouldn't stand an earthly chance! } } Of course you know, but didn't say } You realise when water's hard or gaseous } It gives our lives distinctive play: } Both polar bears and penguins plenteous } Can ski and skate -- in similar way } We too slip up in daft display. } } So why is water wet. Well, think: } You want a cup of tea -- with ice? } When cold it is a filthy drink. } You'd like a steam bath -- at what price? } Real steam will make your skin go pink } Then red and raw, or simply shrink. } } The questions go much deeper still. } Why does it thicken, not contract } When freezing on the window-sill? } It disappears when hot: what fact } Explains all this? Yet with goodwill } We like to drink and have our fill. } } In three great states this H2O } Guards life and health in all we know. } No scientist can quite explain } The way God choses to constrain } This special molecule, quite snug: } A glorious feature, not a bug.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> yo!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, let's see: } } yo (v.)   to go up or down (not both), hence ~-yo (n.) a toy that }           goes both up and down (or down twice if the string breaks). } } !  (sym.) indicates to take the factorial of the preceding argument. } } } !!!!!!!!! } } YOU ARE TELLING THE ORACLE TO GO TO HELL !!!!!!!!! } }                #     # ####### #     # }                #     # #     # #  #  # }                #     # #     # #  #  # }                ####### #     # #  #  # }                #     # #     # #  #  # }                #     # #     # #  #  # }                #     # #######  ## ## } }                ######     #    ######  ####### }                #     #   # #   #     # # }                #     #  #   #  #     # # }                #     # #     # ######  ##### }                #     # ####### #   #   # }                #     # #     # #    #  # }                ######  #     # #     # ####### } }                #     # ####### #     # }                 #   #  #     # #     # }                  # #   #     # #     # }                   #    #     # #     # }                   #    #     # #     # }                   #    #     # #     # }                   #    #######  ##### } }                  ###     ###     ### }                  ###     ###     ### }                  ###     ###     ### }                   #       #       # } }                  ###     ###     ### }                  ###     ###     ### } } You owe the oracle an explanation.