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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There are several replies to your inquiry (?): } 1.  Me me me!  That's all you think about is yourself!  Why don't you } look around you once!  There's a lot more to the world than just you! } 2.  We are gathered here today to mourn the death of yet another mortal. } Jim was a good questioner too, don't let anyone tell you different!  In } fact, he was on his deathbed, when he had one last question of myself, } the Oracle.  So his wife brought him his laptop and he very slowly, for } he was dying, typed in the words, 'mail oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.eduuuuu' } and pressed enter.  'Damn!' he said as he looked up and noticed his } mistake.  Pressing CNTRL-z, he exited from his mail message to nowhere. } He then started retyping the Oracle's address, and, seeing that his } address was correct he slapped return.  At the instant he pressed the } key to life, complete paralysis of his arms took his strength away and } he had to get Mrs.  Schumblother to type, 'tell me,' in the subject } line.  He then started to tell a story to lead to his last question and } could only get out the word, 'I,' before Broca's Syndrome took his } speech away.  With his speech and arms totally gone, he lapsed into } death.  Mrs.  Schumblotter, that brave woman was stricken with grief and } a will to get Jim's last message to the Oracle.  So, she went down to } her local rep from Jim's computer maker and had him press return and } send the mail message, for she was one of the many computer illiterates } in the world.  Well, Jim got his last wish, and Mrs.  Schumblother (she } keeps changing her name) moved in with a secret lover, and now gets sex } fourteen times a day in Tahitti Titti.  Jim rotted down to his current } state of rottedness before an encyclopedia salesman smelled and found } him, eaten by worms and roaches.  At any rate, you may never know what } Jim had on his mind.  But, I will always remember his last request, 'I } know it's a little late Oracle, but is there sex in the afterlife?' I've } since contacted him godally with his response.  Thank you all for } coming.  Go home now.  Drink a beer. } (Sobbing...wailing...crying....vomiting...) } } You owe the Oracle your autobiography and a good funeral joke.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Does this work?  <click> <click>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, you reckless mortal, that red button, which I should add was quite } clearly marked "Please do NOT touch!  Reserved for Oracle's Use!" does } actually work.  Thanks to you, a massive earthquake has erupted in } California fully a WEEK TOO SOON!  Do you have any idea, any concept of } how long I've been planning that quake, tracing the threads of time, } following the trends of the stock market, to calculate the precise } moment at which to release it?  Centuries!  Millenia!  I was going to } make a killing on commodities alone!  And then YOU come wandering along, } pushing every pretty little button you see, having NO regard for other } people's property, and ruin many lifetimes worth of planning!  And the } market was just starting to peak, too!  Well, there's nothing for it } now...  it looks like I'm going to have to go with plan B- setting Rhode } Island adrift.  And THIS time I'm keeping the switch under lock and key. } } You owe the Oracle a tectonic plate and 200 orange juice futures.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> OH GREAT ORACLE OF DELHI.  PLEASE LEND ME YOUR EAR AND ANSWER MY > QUESTION.  WHY CAN I NOT FIND A JOB??????????????????????

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} OOOH DOOD! GREAT TO HEAR FROM YOU AGIN! WHAT DO YOU WANT WITH A JOB? } DO WHAT I DO, DOOD! LIVE WITH YOUR 'RENTS! MY DAD SAYS I SHOULD GET } A JOB TUE, BUT NO WAY! THAT WOULD CUT INTO THE TIME I CAN SPEND } RIDING THE WAVES! AND THERE WOULDN'T BE ENUFF TIME LEFT TO SPEND } READING ALL THE RAD BBOARDS ON YOUSE-NET! SO TRY THESE TRIX THAT } WORKED FOR ME DOOD: }     1) "JUST SAY NO" }     2) TELL YOUR DAD YOU WILL LOOK FOR A JOB TOMORROW }     3) FIND A JOB AS A LIFEGUARD AT A RAD BEACH }     4) BECUM A NET-NEWS ADMINISTRATOR (WE KNOW THEY DON'T DO ANY }        REEL WORK ANYWAY) }     5) HIDE UNDER YOUR BED } } YOU OWE BIFF AND THE ORACLE A RIGHTEOUS BABE!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is the world simply an evil place like a bubbling > cauldron of apathy and dispair, infecting the very soul of > humanity and tainting it with black vile evilness for all > eternity---a miserable woeful day of chilling rain without > an umbrella or galoshes, but only a shirt and trousers made > of sponge-material to protect me from the elements? > > OR > > Is it just my vivid imagination?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  Five snappy things you can do right away to feel less like Kafka and } more like your old smiling self .... } }  1. Ask her out for God sakes, enough with the wining. She will, after }     an appropriate amount of time, allow you to have normal (tm) sex }     with her, provided you wash regularly and use a condom. } }  2. Finish that stupid course on One Billion Ways to Asymptotically }     improve an Algorithm, sheesh, what the hell do you think they }     invented gobs of memory for anyways. Your image of a code writing }     stud has put you at a severe emotional distance from the rest of the }     planet. } }  3. Get out in real sunlight. That frog-belly tan yer sportin is not }     doing you any good healthwise bucko. } }  4. Eat nontoxic food for an extended period of time. Cheetoes and Diet }     Cola is fine as a snack, you however, are making a career move here }     and your digestive tract has been trying to get your attention about }     it for some time. Failing all the gas you've been experiencing, your }     digestive system finally dropped a few chemicals its been saving, }     and guess what, you feel a little down today. Start munching on some }     fresh fruit and eat a steak now and then or you're headed towards an }     extended period of buying and listening to Barry Manilow tapes. } }  5. Take up some other sport besides Tiny Mud (tm), give the Oracle a }     collective break here pal. You need to develop something other than }     your wrists, if you catch my drift. Parts of you are beginning to }     sag and they are not supposed to do that till a couple of decades }     from now. May I suggest 'Nude Twister' with your new girlfriend. } }  You owe the Oracle a long happy life, (your's, stupid I'm immortal)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> u.b. (univ. of buffalo) where men are men, > women are women > and the sheep are scared on the weekend. > > oh oracle! why are the sheep scared?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sheep are way too stupid to know when it's the weekend, and they really } have no notion of human sexual practices, so you can put that nasty } thought out of your mind right away.  (Shame on you.) The reason they } get scared on weekends seems to have something to do with the primitive } mating rituals practiced by UB men and women, where the men put on } buffalo horns and the the women porcupine coats.  What exactly the } rituals involve has never been determined -- we sent an anthropologist } to find out, but unlike the sheep, she certainly did have a notion of } human sexual practices, and what she saw turned even her trained } scientific mind to jelly.  She is now resting comfortably in a very soft } room. } } You owe the Oracle a videotape of these weekend escapades.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most distinguished, extremely versatile Oracle, whose immense > knowledge cannot be measured in Angstrom, and whose lawn mower could > easily bypass a pregnant Roseanne Barr, PLEASE help me.  A fortnight > ago, a Mayan deity came to me in a dream, and shared with me the secrets > of eternal life.  However, in exchange for this, he said, I would have > to fulfill a quest for him; a proposal which seemed fair enough at the > time.  Now, yesterday as I was out walking the dog, a funny-looking bird > (actually an avatar, but I didn't realize that until later) approached > me and told me the time had come for me to project myself astrally onto > the 666th layer of Abyss and vanquish an evil demon named > Slecquoritorantiz.  I was shocked, especially since I just then > remembered that I have an English paper due Friday.  What shall I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I hate when that happens.  I have many fond memories of my days during } the 2nd continuum when the Oracle himself would let himself dream of } Mayan deities...  but I regress. } } Many pretty good English papers have been written on the attempted } vanquishing of demons.  Just watch your dangling participals and write } it in Hebrew. } } The Oracle does point out that he did use the phrase "attempted } vanquishing" because the evil demon Slecquoritorantiz is quite a } character, nothing like his kid brother Uoorolukeeton who gets his butt } kicked pretty much all the time.  Old Slekky slaughtered the entire } Vornq dominion of the 666th layer quite accidentally one morning while } having breakfast.  The eggs, which he *ALWAYS* orders over-medium, was } delivered over-easy, and as he tried to suck those puppies down, he also } happened to suck down the Vornq dominion along with 3 of the best golf } courses on the entire layer.  Ooh that one's a mean one alright. } } To aid you in your quest, the Oracle will grant you the unbelievably } generous boon of an enchanted weapon:  The Vibrating Sword of ZRON, } until now believed to be irretrievably lost in the Black Void of Soozie. } It's amazing the things you can find behind a sofa cushion. } } Oh yeah, and don't bother bringing a sweater.  It's seasonally hot } there. } } You owe the Oracle the courtesy of returning his sword with a fresh set } of batteries.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> WhI'm depressed.  What would make me feel better?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} All my wisdom and knowledge, and I'm asked how to have a good time? } If you had friends, you would have asked THEM this question, and they } would have told you what I must now waste my time to tell you. } } Get laid. } } Since the Oracle does not deal in flesh, I can only suggest an } alternative: } Here's a file that tells you how. } } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ }         Do people think you're gullible? }         Let us help you kick that annoying character flaw right outa }         town. }         Here's How to use the Usenet "NoMoGullible" Service. } } 1. Mail your Visa/MC number to gullible@oraclevax.apollo.delphi } 2. wait for a reply. } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } } Damn. Wrong file. } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ }      Instructions for OracleDate } } 1. Mail oracle-date@oraclevax.apollo.la with your Visa/MC number. }    You don't need to describe yourself since I'm the oracle and know }    everything. } 2. You'll receive a letter with a special code number. } 3. Pick up the receiver of your telephone, and enter the special code }    number. } 4. You will again be asked for your Visa/MC number. } 5. Be sure to ask specifically for "Cherry", "Boopsie", or "Dick". }    (Depending on your persuasion). } 6. Repeat steps 1-5 as many times as it takes you to not be depressed. } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } (Note: you may also wish to join the "NoMoGullible" service. You've been }  had.)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What in the world did you do to become the Great Oracle?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} One does not "become" the Oracle (saying Great is redundant, although } appreciated). As a near-great mortal once said, Talent does what it can; } Genius does what it must; I do what I'm paid to do. } } Having said that, here are ten events that convinced the Oracle-to-be } that it was useless to resist the calling: } } 1) President Reagan repeatedly asked for my advice on how to increase }    the deficit. } 2) Einstein asked if E=MC69 wouldn't be more cool as a formula. } 3) The Denver Broncos asked (too many times to count) how to throw a }    Super Bowl without getting caught. } 4) The pilot of the Hindenberg asked what H2 + O2 makes. } 5) Rock Hudson asked where all the cute chicks were anymore. } 6) Dan Quayle asked what the neatest swellest job in the world was. } 7) Gorbachev asked if a little butterfly tattoo on his buttocks would be }    the best way to visually differentiate himself from other world }    leaders. } 8) Fran Tarkenton asked how to get his 30-minute commercials on the air. } 9) Frank Zappa asked if "Katie" and "Dave" would be good names for his }    children. } 10) I asked myself a question and received a speedy and courteous reply. } } You owe the Oracle an explanation of how you became such a pile of } donkey dung.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>         What is haggis?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O Inquisitive One: } } The original meaning of 'haggis' is a Scottish Dish made of the lining } of a sheep's stomach, filled with meat, vegetables, etc., and cooked. } Mmm mmm good. } } Of course, the Oracle senses that you wish to know some colloquialisms } that are not listed in the MegahugeOraclevax Encyclopedia Galactica } Fifth Edition.  Well, here's one: } } HAGGIS:  smart ass person who will ask a question to the Oracle, }          although he/she already knows a case-specific answer. } } also, a crumpled mess that was previously a terminal before its user }       repeatedly kicked in in frustration.  ("My God, look at that poor }       haggis.  Damn, he must have had a tough C assignment.") } } You owe the Oracle some American junk food.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, Oracle, your wisdom I seek, > Don't throw away this question in a fit of pique: > What does a pelican keep inside its beak? > Please send me an answer in less than a week.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In olden times the pelican was thought } To feed its young by stabbing its own breast } And catch its very blood in its own beak } From whence it did convey it to its young } And so this bird became quite widely thought } Exemplary for charitable acts } A symbol of the charity of God } And of the sacrifice of His own blood } By Jesus Christ our Lord upon the cross. } } But actually the truth is rather dull } The pelican instead will overeat } And vomit food into its pouchy beak } And feed that to its young.  The pouch can also } Aid the bird in catching smallish fish } which it scoops up as one might with a net. } } You oew the Oracle a crash course in writing blank verse.