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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Can I be Lisa for just a day?  Please, pretty please?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Certainly.  *poof*  OK, now you're Lisa.  My goodness, what large ... } Never mind; you've got a busy day ahead of you: } } 07:30am: Wake up } } 07:45am: Shower, apply makeup.  Decide that you hate makeup, change. } } 08:20am: Get dressed.  Decide you hate clothing choices, change. } } 09:07am: Arrive just in time for your OBGYN appointment.  You've }   brought along a set of woolen slippers so that the stirrups aren't }   _quite_ so cold, an entire back year of _Scientific American_ for }   the wait in the lobby, and an electric cattle prod just in case }   the doctor even _thinks_ about using an unheated speculum on you. } } 10:22am: He did use the unheated speculum, but the cattle prod was }   out of reach.  After a thorough and humiliating exam, he told you }   that it was all in your head, women are often like that, and that }   the visit cost you $127.22. } } 11:30am: Lunch, early.  Deflect pass from computer science dweeb.  At }   least, you assume it was a pass: He came up, tried to speak (but }   only stuttered) while staring at your breasts, hands shaking so }   badly that he was knocking ice cubes out of his drink onto your }   shoes. } } 1:00pm: Study in library.  Jock comes up, sits next to you, pretends }   to study (you notice book is upside down), puts hand on thigh. }   You move.  He follows.  You leave library.  He follows, but is }   distracted by another female student in imperceptably shorter }   skirt. } } 2:30pm: Drop off project in TA's office.  He tells your breasts (why }   do men never speak to you directly?) that he might just lose the }   project unless you gave him something to remember you by.  You }   inquire if a sexual harrassment lawsuit would be sufficiently }   memorable.  He turns red, muttering how women have no sense }   of humor.  You leave. } } 2:45pm to 6:45pm: Work on next project in terminal room.  Excepting }   stares (computer science types must grow up on a planet without }   women, you decide), you are undisturbed. } } 7:30pm: You arrive back at home to find message from boyfriend }   cancelling date.  You start running a bath. } } 7:50pm: You get another phone call from boyfriend, telling you his }   plans fell through and could you two still get together?  With }   a sigh, you agree, and let the water out of the tub. } } 8:45pm: He arrives, you leave for dinner. } } 10:00pm: You return after a pleasant dinner.  Necking on couch }   follows. } } 10:15pm: Complete undress achieved. } } 10:30pm: He falls asleep.  You consider, but reject the vibrator }   as being too noisy, and run a bath instead. } } 11:15pm: You fall asleep. } } *poof*  See, now wasn't that fun?  We have a special _seven day_ } package, if you're interested.  Hello? } } You owe the Oracle a copy of "Women Who Love Too Much."

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Recursive One, > > Tell me please is it true that Americans are truly as they appear on > television (i.e.  perfect height, clear complexion, piercing blue eyes, > never make mistakes, always can come up with humourous comments at all > times etc.)?  If so, please explain Dan Quayle! > > How do I become as perfect then as these Americans?  Or am I destined to > be relegated to being an imperfect Australian being?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The oracle has not even had to ponder this question for it is the } simplest of the simple in all its simplicity } } Of course Americans are exactly like they are on TV for America itself } is mearly a TV set designed to feed the huge propaganda machine which } has been set up to make all people in the world BELIEVE that America } exists. } } In fact, America is nothing but a club of 10 men and 10 women who have } designs on taking over the world through propaganda.  This is their } thesus statement for a report they are giving to the UN (which is really } based in greenland, not New York for NY doesn't actually exist) } } Who could believe that America is all a prop?  No one, but the oracle } knows better and has the power to look past this fascade. } } their one error was Dan Quyale who really is a secret agent sent by the } Russians to disarm the club and show the public once and make the world } gape at its awsome power. } } Dan Quyale then is not, repeat NOT and american. } } To become a perfect American you must first attend months of Acting } school and then call Merv Griffin Enterprises for an audition } spot...audition tapes are requested. } } you owe the oracle one movie camara and an American flag

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most gracious and amazing Oracle, whose system architechure I am not > worthy to contemplate, please answer for me the following humble > question, the dilemma that has plagued my life, the key to (I think) > eternal happiness and everlasting sweet dreams: > > How does it always know to rain the ONE DAY I forget my umbrella?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This of course precludes a whole discussion of what "to know" means } with regard to "it".  I will let you in on a little secret though (but } don't tell my manager) --- this whole rain deal is just an automated } task which we have set up to run on a regular basis.  Of course, some } bugs still remain.  The system in general and the task in particular } don't really "know" anything about when it should rain, any more than } it knows that when it gets a command to "ls -l" it should list in long } format all non-hidden files in a directory, or that when it gets } "rm -foo" it knows the person who entered it was a bonehead. } } Oh right, the rain.  Even Oracles go on tangents when you bring up } these deeper issues indirectly.  Why the hell do you think we sit } around on top of tall computers in cold machine rooms?  It is to } contemplate these deeper issues in life, not to wonder why some people } are forgetful and then think that system nature is out to get them. } } Oh right, the rain.  Sorry, this weed must be getting to my synapses. } Helps make the mind lucid, to a point, you know.  I do some of my best } thinking while under the influence of mind altering drugs.  Ask Jimi. } } Where was I?  Righto, rain and you.  Sorry I keep on going on the } tangents, but I sort of consider my infinite thought to be much like a } leisurely trip down a highway.  While trying to reach my destination, } if I see a side road which looks interesting then I will follow it, } eventually returning to my original path. } } ... which was about this rain deal.  You know, I just though of } another way to represent transitions from one thought to another. } Picture each thought in its own little cubic room, with exits on each } wall.  While it might be readily obvious (perhaps from a fire exit } map?) which direction to head in to get to the point, there are still } numerous other thoughts directly related to it which are interesting } to explore.  Well, interesting to me anyway. } } What?  The rain?  Why do you keep bugging me about that?  Sheesh. } Like you'll melt or something, just like that witch in Australia } (parts of which look amazingly like Kansas, you know, and even if they } don't have flying monkeys there are a lot of short people there). } Fine, if you'll go away then I'll give you an answer, ungrateful wretch. } } We have a special file in nature:/etc, in.raind.  It keeps a list of } people we'd like especially to piss off my giving them a good } drenching and each time someone forgets his umbrella, the rain servant } gets a report about it and checks it against the list.  On days where } greater than fifty percent of the people in the file have forgotten } their umbrellas, the rain daemon lets loose.  So as it turns out, } system nature is out to get you.  In variable it catches a lot of } innocents, but He finds that amusing.  The standardisation committee } still hasn't determined whether that behaviour is a bug or a feature. } } If it makes you feel any better, this Oracle doesn't even own an } umbrella and is in that damn file.  Mother won't take me out of it. } } You owe the Oracle a rubber ducky, a handful clueless earthworms on } sidewalks and a pair of shoes which don't go *squish*.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      What is the use of the traffic signs that read:  Do not pass when >      opposing traffic present.?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Most traffic signs are designed not to inform you, but to induce a level } of cognitive dissonance high enough to encourage (fnord) you to break } the traffic laws out of sheer frustration.  This adds to the general } revenue through fines and sales tax on brake jobs and tire sales.  Plus } it adds a steady source of employment for motorheads in body shops. } } This simply seems a more sophisticated version of the same.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do LP's turn at 33 and 1/3 r.p.m.?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The reason for this is the simple but little-known fact that the } inventor of the grammaphone, Thomas Edison, had seventeen fingers on } each hand, but lost two segments of one finger on his left hand in an } early childhood experiment with a bottle, some twigs and an enraged } raccoon. He thereforespent his whole life doing arithmetic in base } 33 1/3, which was as sensible an RPM to him as 10 would be to you. His } well known enmity with Nikola Tesla was, in fact, not over AC versus } DC electricity, but over whether 33 1/3 or 18 1/2 is the base of } choice. } } Hi Ho, Silver, and a hearty tally-ho to mom, Cindy-Lou Flotsam, Clark } Kent andall the other fine folk of Gotham City. } } } [Oracle Maintenance and Repair: Standard Disclaimer     Form 1040EZ } } Due to technical difficulties at the Cross Universal Meta-Cray } Workstation And Telecommunication ( CUMCWAT ) installation, the } machine usually dedicated to your Oracle is not available. Until } repairs are completed, a micro version of the Oracle has been } implemented on a PDP 11-03 with 64K RAM and one 8 inch, single sided } single density floppy drive. } } Since the parser, logic, and database for the Oracle require one } million times these resources, the micro-version uses an adaptive } extrapolating heuristic instead, whose results are not quite as } reliable as the original Oracle's. Not even remotely as reliable. } Let's face it, it spews out pure fabrication, and it would be a bloody } miracle if it got anything right at all. } } If you decide to follow the micro-Oracle's advice anyway, we assume no } responsibility for any loss or damages. But if by some wild stroke of } luck you make a fortune off its advice, we assume full responsibility } for that and expect you to hand over 97.5% of the proceeds, and don't } make a fuss either because we've got photon torpedoes and a Death Star } and you don't so what are you going to do about it anyway? } } CUMCWAT regrets any inconvenience these repairs cause you, but not } much.]

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, who can score more touchdowns than the great Heisman > ...  Will Ga.  Tech beat Georgia this year?  What will be the point > spread?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Telemachus, my son!  There have been heroes within our ancient } traditions who have accomplished feats mightier than the great Heisman. } They have pillaged more cities, scored more (albeit sans pigskin), and } run over many many more foes than have a measly little American. }    Behold the fearsome Achilles!  He played for Akhaians in the great } ten year rivalry between them and the Trojans, not of the USC variety. } We're talking the real men of Troy, bronze spear carrying dudes who } battled over a beautiful woman.  He is said to have been a runner who } could outrace Zephyr, the West Wind and give chase to the mighty Lion of } Nemea. }    Then, forget not the great giant Ajax who defended the entire Akhaian } ships by himself.  Surely no offensive line on the Georgia Tech or } Georgia team can match that peerless accomplishment.  And consider, my } son, the feat of Odysseus and Diomedes, who snuck behind enemy lines to } carry off great prizes of war.  Not even the great Lawrence Taylor would } have made more sacks than these men. }    As for Georgia Tech and Georgia, Telemachus!  What delusions have } seized thee!  The new change in conference schedules mean that they will } not play each other this year!  No!  In fact, they are the newest } members of the Ivy League, since the overly wealthy alumni have decided } that they would like to watch some real football for once.  So Georgia } Tech will play Harvard and Georgia go up against Princeton.  The scores } will be Harvard 27, Georgia Tech 7, Princeton 14, Georgia 17.  The } weekend after, Georgia Tech will play Yale.  The score of that game will } be...  Yale 192, Ga.Tech 0. }    You owe the Oracle a Harvard sweatshirt and a beautiful buxom babe } who goes to Yale.  God (I mean Me) knows they need one.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What does it mean that Tech is now number 4 in the AP poll?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Since you have not specified where you are from, I cannot tell which } `Tech' you refer to in your question.  So I will presume that you must } mean the Technische Universitaet Wien, in Vienna, Austria.  Therefore, } I will write the rest of this message in German, but since most usenet } mortals do not speak German, I will send it to an automatic } translation program that the Oracle just got for free in a box of } chocolate-covered microprocessor chips. } } The AP round-questions has since many years a leading meaning } indicator been.  Often, Highlytheoreticalresearchworkplaceplaces are } at the top of it.  Now is the first time a technical highshoe has on } the list been.  This reflects the great ahead steps in technical } matters, especially computers, since the old days overexagerated } claims about what computers could if the chance by people who no } forsight have given was do could made were made been have. } } You owe the Oracle `1001 German Verbs' and a push-down stack.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, thou great and might Oracle, whose cosmic halitosis moves the stars > in their orbits, tell me: > An acquaintance of mine doubts your existance: how can I prove your > existance to him?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Just quote the famed philosopher DesCartwheel to him: } 'I respond to silly questions, therefore I am.' } } And please don't mention the halitosis thing anymore, okay?  After the } incident with the planetoid and the supernova I've cut waaay down on the } garlic bread. } } You owe the Oracle a bottle of Listerine.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise Oracle, now that Ted Turner and Jane Fonda have announced their > engagement, how will this affect the Braves next season?  or TBS?  CNN? > Did he promise her a new network?  Will we have "Barbarella" reruns?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You have clearly underestimated the impact this event will have } on society at large. Of course the Braves will be affected. And TBS. } And CNN. But that's just small fry compared with the effects you } will begin to notice in a week or so, changes so vast and radical } they may well change CIVILIZATION AS WE KNOW IT! } } * Ties will get wider. } } * Penguins will aquire human rights. } } * Wearing a butcher's apron will be compulsory after 5pm. } } * The monetary system will collapse, and the only good currency }   will be cans of diet coke (each worth approximately 200 Swedish }   Crowns). } } * Dennis Hopper will be knighted. } } And yes, there will be Barbarella reruns. And, on top of that, 40 } new episodes will be made, directed by David Lynch, and cocatenated } with Falcon Crest. In this sparkling new series, Barbarella will } fight the evil mongrels of the evil emperor, played by the fat lady } from "Bagdad Cafe" (whose name eludes me for the moment) and drop } parts of her space suit on over 55 different planets. Prophesies } say that this won't be as fascinating as in the original series, } though.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Does smoking cause brain damage?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The imperious, impervious, and impecunious Oracle will provide you with } multiple answers to your question, at no extra charge. } } 1)  No. Brain damage causes smoking. } 2)  No. Lung damage and heart damage usually get you first. } 3)  No  iv smoked for teh last thurty yeers ad it hasnt damagd my brane }     yet. } 4)  No, at least no worse than taking hits off your car's exhaust pipe }     does. } 5)  No, as long as it's done by other people in other places. } 6)  No. By the time a salmon gets smoked, it's already dead. } 7)  No, unless your dad catches you. } 8)  No, unless the smoking is done by a pistol aimed at your cranium. } 9)  No, there's (*snicker*) never been scientific (*teehee*) proof }     (*guffaw*). } 10) No, smoking doesn't brain damage people. People brain damage people, }     by manufacturing cigarettes. } } You owe the Oracle a pair of scissors and a water pistol.