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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> what is the name of the absolutely gorgeous girl sitting next to me, > right now?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Her name is Elaine Betsy Blurfie Amanaghafella Sandra Cassandra } Packassandra Multipackassandra Blandra Understandra Chandra Fran Pran } Glan Plan Plan Plan FORTRAN Whipplesneak Trippplegleak Paramongo } Half-the-Congo Bingobongo Thumbtack Susan Bratnifells Quayne Drogo Brogo } Frogo Lrogo Zrogo Hypnopaedia Dialect Karma Dinosaur Dingo Elixer Elk } Ellipse Hayloft Hawk Innoculation Rabbit Chariminade Plumiferous } Luminiferous Polygoniferous Planiform Graniform Baniform Smith. } } (Her parents enjoyed LSD.) She'll never admit it though. } } You owe the Oracle a birth certificate.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why does Ben Samit ride a Harley?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ben Samit is one of those "macho dweebs" that you hear about in the news } these days.  In fact, there will be a NBC news article on him and his } gang, "Hell's Weenies," in a few weeks.  Macho dweebs wear leather } jackets with pocket protectors, spikes in the form of skulls and } inverted pentacles, and calculator pouches.  They build onboard } computers for calculating the best angles to run down cops and keep } track of their profits from drug running and loan sharking.  They break } into office supply stores.  They're becoming a real problem in the Bay } Area.  Ben Samit is one of the worst:  they call him "Satan's } Slipstick."

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What makes waves?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Waves are due to a little game that fish play when no one is looking. } Any time there is absolutly no people observing them all the fish } in all the oceans swim toward shore as fast as they can. As soon } as someone looks they all stop suddenly creating a wave. As soon } as said person or persons turn around, they all change direction } creating the undertow.  So in reality one might say that it is } people looking at fish that causes waves. } } You owe the Oracle one McFishfillet sandwich.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the most perverted sexual act there is? > (Not that I have tried out everything else, I just thought > I'd like to know...)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The most perverted sexual act requires eleven people, three males, four } females, and four other.  The props include a grape, two urns of wine, a } clock, a stick of dynamite, a used flannel sweater, five flowerpots, an } old couch, a bohmedine, a drugged muskrat, a large supply of pancakes, } an umbrella, a staple gun, a gluting, and a banjo.  It was last } performed in Rome, before Nero, which is amazing considering how few of } those things were invented back then.  (Two haven't been invented even } now.) Don't try it at home.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, fount of wisdom and sagacity, tell me why I forget to > turn off the car lights 30 seconds after reminding myself to do so!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because you forget the simple rule:  if you are an absent-minded twit } with the attention span of a drunk sparrow, you should ...  um ...  er } ...  always ...  well ...  let me see ...  propose a constitutional } amendment with the death penalty for burning the flag.  That's it.  Very } good.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is the oracle so determined to find girlfriends for > xxxxxxx@xxx.xxx.edu?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because xxxxxxx@xxx.xxx.edu doesn't stand a chance of doing it himself! } } No charge

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How long is one oracle day?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, so very long the oracle day is.  So very, very long.  Never very } much the chance of the sleep.  From very early in the night they want me } awake, very awake, always the questions they want me for to answer.  And } what kind the questions they ask!  The sex question!  The "how find me } the girlfriend?" question!  The "I am from wpi, how come I such a horrid } person" question!  (easy the answer, though).  The "what best the sexual } position" question!  The "how come not I sleep" question!  Oy!  The } questions!  And so early in the night, they do not let me sleep!  And } then all day they come still the questions, the questions, the } questions, always the questions.  Again and again the same questions, } the same fooly questions!  The "what is the meaning of life"! } questions.  The "how much wood could a woodchuck chuck" questions!  The } "what is your favorite color" questions!  Always, the same stupid } questions.  And continue they on all night, the questions, always the } questions.  So many, so foolish, so often the same the questions. } } Oh, so very very long the oracle day. } } You owe the oracle a vacation.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What do the following things stand for?: > WPI, USC, CCSU, MIT, RPI, RIT, UHA, UCONN, SCSC?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} WPI - Wormy Persons Inc.  A company dedicated to supplying blind dates }       and last-minute prom dates.  Their motto - "Well, if you REALLY }       don't care who you go with ...." } } USC - Used Sexual Condiments - Oil's, whipped creams, edible underwear, }       tasty body paint, etc ... A serious enviromental problem affecting }       us all. } } CCSU - C Compilers that Strangle Users - The latest horror movie from }        Clive Barker. } } MIT - Many Interesting Tits - Used to describe latest issue of Playboy. } } RPI - Regal Penises Inc.  A company that preserves the penises of past }       great people.  They maintain a museum in Cleveland, OH. } } RIT - Rectal Institute of Technology.  Researches latest colonary }       developments. } } UHA - University for Homosexual Apes - You got me on this one. } } UCONN - University of Cosmetics for Neo-Social Nerds - Helps people who }         live in front of terminals all their lives learn to perform }         basic sanitary functions. } } SCSC - Spooling Console Subsystem Central - New IBM acronym for RSCS, }        since too many people knew what RSCS stands for.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who left the hand grenade on my desk?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It all started with Adam, Eve, the apple and of course, the snake. } Actually, the names there John and Mary, the apple was a hotdog and } the snake was not a genuine snake, but Marys dog, Snakeeye. } } Mary, sorry, Eve, tempted Adam, or was it John, to taste the hotdog. } }                  "Take a byte, and see the light!" } } So John did, and really, as he ate the BigMac, or was it a pizza, he } saw the light! Eve's boyfriend, the coldblooded marine stood in the } door, the left hand on the switch, and, } }                    YES YOU HAVE GUESSED IT, } } the right hand on the grenade! Now John, or was it Adam, you have 5 } ... 4 ... 3 ... 2 ...  hurry up ... 1 ... HURRY UP, I said, quit } starring at the screen and get the bloody hell out of here!  .. 0 } }       Morale: Never touch the console of somebody others girl ... } }               The Great Oracle has spoken.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, if thou art so wise as thou purportest: > > Who is Xxx Xxxxx???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}     Xxx Xxxxx:  a mysterious individual, he has often been compared. } Although now famed as the lead singer of the group "Trouser Experience", } he is also a versatile actor who has appeared in both television. } }     An unhappy child, he was frequently bullied; like many children, he } had an "imaginary friend", and when the other children bullied him, his } "imaginary friend" would join in and bully him as well. } }     At the age of eight, he went to a school which had turned out } potential Nobel Laureates - it had turned them out to make room for } potential muggers and child-molesters. } }     At the age of eighteen, he was lucky enough to go to Harvard.  After } his vacation, however, he returned to Indiana.  There, he was given a } traditional education, from which he has never recovered. } }     His first musical endeavours were as guitar-abuser for Heavy Metal } mega-group Ozzy Van ZZ Led Dead Def Leppard Bon Whitesnake; he left } after their first album, saying that he wished to pursue a solo } tax-rebate. } }     It was then that he became interested in the mysticism and culture } of the far east.  He founded an Origami magazine, but it quickly folded. } He also experimented with ambient music, working with musical guru Ian } Brino to record "Ambient 5:  Music For Insomiacs Who've Run Out Of } Pills". } }     After a while, he began to yearn for a return to his former life of } loose cars and fast women.  He formed "Trouser Experience", whose first } album "Banana In My Boxer Shorts" was a critical success.  Indeed, } people still criticise its success.  Nowadays, he is a shy and retiring } individual, and lives in his private Beverley Hills Mansion with only a } cat, a goldfish (dead), and fifty security guards for companionship. } }     You owe the Oracle your first-born child and your entire collection } of Barry Manilow albums.