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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great oracle, > >       I have a problem that I think you can help me with. > >       Why do people hate me? > >       Is it just because I took over one little country? > > Saddam Hussein

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Tsk tsk.  Mr. Hussein, or do your friends call you "Sad"? } What you have is and IMAGE problem.  You need an AGENT. } } See, where you went wrong is that you spent too little time presenting } yourself as the paragon of good, and too much time killing women and } children.  The latter is OK, so long as you have spent enough time doing } the former. } } Unfortunately, it is too late to reverse the public opinion.  But next } time, here is what you do: } } 1) pick the country to invade } 2) create a scandal that depicts inhuman atrocities by that country } 3) protest loudly for at least 5 months. } 4) create yet another scandal.  many slow painful deaths should be }    involved. (of your own countrymen, of course) } 5) send a peace emissary to try to work things out. } 6) organize peaceful protest and media exposure. come off as the }    pacifist. } 7) arrange to have your peace emissary assissinated (make it look like }    they did it, of course) } 8) start the rhetoric about "slow to anger, but anger we must.  we are }    left no alternative." } 9) by now at *least* a year has passed.  gear up for invasion. } 10) invade 6 months later under the deep regrets of your nation. } 11) weep profoundly over the deaths on both sides that would have been }    needless if your enemy had not been so aggressive. } } ta-da! instant hero. } } you owe the Oracle East Bloc military aid.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Do you know of anything more soothing than 'MR. BUBBLES'?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   I am taking in acount that you're probably pretty new at doing hard } core bubble bath shots, so I'll take you through the whole chain... } }   It usually starts out pretty innocent, without you thinking too much } about it.  Usually you heard about a friend who tried it and you just } figured - why not?  'Mr.  Bubbles' and 'Finesse shampoo' are what you } could call 'entry ports', and neither is very dangerous in smaller } quantities.  But!, then things happpen:  You find yourself coming home } after work and instead of kissing the Misses, you head for the bathroom } for that after-work shot to take you down.  Then you start doing } 'uppers'!  Yes!  I'm talking about ( I know you've heard it before ) 'Mr } Clean', YES, and various detergents and starches. }   You then convince your wife that YOU would like to do the week's } shopping and start hanging out at the grocery store every night before } coming home.  You fill cartloads with goodies which you take home and } hide under your bed and in drawers. }   And then:  Your wife catches you snorting lines of bleach and leaves } you the next morning.  You can't hold up your job and get fired.  You } walk the streets and start breaking into people's homes, taking all the } household chemicals you can carry. }   You're at the bottom of the ladder.  You find yourself at the city } dump searching through garbage.  You wake up in the morning and can't } move unless you get an injection of Windex. }   You die.  Problably an overdose of 'Drano' the medical examiner } concludes after your autopsy. } } The conclusion?  Just say NO! } } You owe the Oracle a speedball, a tie off, two tenths of Chinese White, } some sunshine acid, a couple of mushrooms, some peyote and some } mescaline.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where can I buy an original Escher woodcut, and how much can I expect to > pay for it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It is impossible to _buy_ an original, but they can be _found_.  Allow } me to explain: } } Escher had a rather odd habit of hiding his works by putting them } *within themselves*.  As you can imagine, this gives rise to great } dimensional stresses and spacio-temporal distortions.  The result is the } distictive 'warped' feel that most of his known works impart to the } viewer.  It is important to realise that this is entirely caused by the } autoencapsulation process and was not present when Escher was actually } creating the drawing, carving, or what have you.  Because of the } twisting imposed on space-time by all this, it is possible to find the } original of any of his works in any copy (or print) of itself.  You may, } therefore, obtain an original by proceeding as follows. } } Identify the points of maximum and minimum surrealness within a copy of } the work.  The original should be hidden at one of these two places, or } 180 degrees away (as the crow flies).  [NOTE:  this is, strictly } speaking, true only for an infinitely big object - edge effects may } introduce some secondary surreality which can, as the object tends } towards finity, become dominant.  Experimentation is recommended in the } very finite case.] When you think you know where the original is hidden, } cut a small hole (preferably no bigger than the copy you are working on) } and have a look.  If you were correct you should see the original } masterpiece, as undistorted as Escher intended.  As finder, this is } yours if no-one claims it within six months. } } WARNING: } As detailed above, for finite prints it is possible that secondary } effects have mislead you into opening the print at the wrong place.  If } this happens RESEAL IT IMMEDIATELY.  If you don't, someone else may, by } making the same mistake, inadvertantly open another copy at the same } wrong place.  Both copies will then try to release their dimensional } stresses.  Usually the one printed on stiffer paper will succeed, } resulting in the flimsier copy, and anything nearby, being sucked } through the hole and deposited where it ought not to be.  Having a } library suddenly leap from a book and land in your lap can be fatal. } Having the library you are sitting in land in your lap can also be very } confusing. } } You owe the Oracle a pair of Tardises, each inside the other.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Which is better, a strong easilly definable line, or a thin almost > nonexistant one?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}     Ah-hah, a context sensitive question. This mortal thought to ask a }   question without the requistite levels of background data available. }   Hmmm.  The best way to find out the context would be to ask someone }   who knows what the question's context is. } }     Always go with the best, so I should ask myself the what the context }     is. } } <Timidly> Knock Knock. } }  Excuse me, Am I busy at the moment ? } ] Of course I'm busy, I'm always busy. }  Could I spare me a moment? } ] WHAT ?? Another one? I gave you one just back in 1602. }  I know. I'll promise not to bother me again till 2001. } ] Stop whining like that I'm geting my shoes soaked. OK, what do I want? }  I need to know the context for a mortals question. }  See it's the one up there. } ] Oh, <Ponder Ponder> thats soooooo easy, its a line as in. } ] "I Dare you to step over that line." }  How'd I know that? } ] I thought I told me, I dont reveal my to secrets to anyone, especially }  ME. } ] Now go away before I turn myself into a toad, for being impertinant } }   <RUN RUn Run run ... > } } Gee whizz.  I wish I didn't get all upset at myself over nothing, I'll } have to try and talk me into another session with Siggie.  Now where was } I. } } Oh yes. } } Obviously in this situation a thick line is the best, preferably several } miles.  No one will do anything while you draw the line, and so you can } run away, before the wise guy can do anything to you. } } You owe the Oracle the transcript of your first seven Psychiatric } sessions.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is Ronald Reagan really a Muppet?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O Inquisitive One: } } In a word, no, Ronald Reagan is not a Muppet.  However, you have to } understand the reason why Reagan is not a Muppet: } } When Ronald Reagan was shot way back when, he actually died.  Reagan was } a great role model and morale booster as President, and would be sorely } missed.  It became the task of several of Reagan's close, personal, } government advisors to decide on a replacement. } } (Please pardon the Oracle for the oxymoron "personal government") } } This group of government advisors decided that George Bush was not ready } to be President, because he might do something stupid like pick an } Indiana college dropout to become Vice President.  And he also acted } like a goof.  So it was decided that he best do his job outside the } country. } } Meanwhile, Alexander Haig boldly stepped forward and said "I am the } President.  I am in complete control." This would have been fine, except } that Haig never asked the group of government advisors for permission. } They didn't want Haig to make a habit of this, so they refused him the } Presidency. } } With no other real alternatives, the advisors felt that it would be } better if they had Reagan back, and portray him as the strong survivor } type who could take a bullet and still live.  This would boost the } American morale.  Unfortunately, this was impossible, because Reagan was } firing striking Air Traffic Controllers from his Great Oval Office in } the Sky.  Thus the advisors pondered, until one night, when a young desk } clerk quipped... } } "Why don't you just get a puppet or something to take his place?" } } Ah!  What genius, the advisors thought!  This just might work! } Immediately the young desk clerk was killed so the advisors could claim } it was their idea.  A phone call was placed to Jim Henson, the one } person the advisors believed could make a decent replica to the deceased } President.  Henson's reply was: } } "What?  You must be kidding!  I only do REAL comedy." } } This is the reason why Reagan isn't a Muppet.  Henson wouldn't go for } it. } } Instead, they contacted the people who run the "Hall of Presidents" at } Disney World.  They complied, and the rest is history.  (Isn't it ironic } how Disney now owns the rights to the Muppets?) } } P.S.  If you ever hear a government official joke about "that Mickey } Mouse administration", now you know what he means. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of Goofy's (I meant Reagan's) memoirs, } preferably hard cover.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hello there Mr Oracle, >       Another small message from Australia.  How do you manage to do > this and still be allowed to stay at an institution of productivity ? >       If you did what you are doing now inn America in Australia people > would frown on you muchly.  well done for keeping it up !!!!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} An institution of productivity, mind you, it's a nuthouse up here.  It's } obvious you mortal souls have never been allowed even a glimps behind } the curtains to get an idea of what goes on back here.  As for getting } away with it, our organization is structured in a strict hierarchy, that } means that the guys on top don't have a clue of what is going on on the } lower levels where the communication with mortals is being handled.  I'm } sure you are familiar with that there down under.  Do you know what all } those sheep and kangaroes are talking about huh?  As for managing to do } this, you don't really think I'm doing this all by myself do you.  First } your question is screened at the DEPARTMENT FOR GOOD VICES.  If your } question doesn't pass this department, you will be visited by one of our } social workers paying you a visit in the middle of the night and giving } you a vision.  That usually takes care of that.  If the question does } pass the DEPARTMENT OF SILLY QUESTIONS your question will be send to the } DEPARTMENT OF CHEAP GENIES AND PREPSCHOOL ORACLES.  If they are able to } answer your question they will do so on their own and noone higher up in } the hierarchy will ever be bothered by it.  If, as in your case, the } question needs some deeper analysis, it will be send to the DEPARTMENT } OF SEMI CERTIFIED AND OTHER UNRELIABLE INDEPENDENT ORACLES.  Mostly, } they will be able to answer your question or pretend to be able to do } so.  If there is however a question that cannot be answered by these } guys, the question will be queued for processing by our allmighty ORACLE } WHICH HANDLES EVERYTHING OTHERS DIDN'T UNDERSTAND.  There are only two } questions that have been known to make it all the way up to this } department.  However, the word is out that these questions might take } forever to answer thus would in effect never be answered in the eyes of } the mortals who asked them.  It is this case and this case alone that a } mere mortal will be allowed to enter the priesthood of oracularity and } become an editor in the DEPARTMENT OF SILLY QUESTIONS. } } You see, you almost made it to the top with this question.  The oracle } now will end this reply because there will be a rerun of I LOVE LUCY on } ORACLENET2 soon and I still have to pop the corn.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I realise that the Oracle is one of the most infinitely good and wise > beings in all creation, but tell me, deary, have you _any_ vices? > Have you ever suffered from penguin lust?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} How dare you accuse the Oracle of penguin lust!  Why, it } frankly disgusts the Oracle to think that anyone could } feel lust over a svelte, sleek aquatic waterfowl in } the first place.  Why, if I ever had one in my vast, } uh, hot tub, uh, I'd probably kick her right out.  No } matter how much she pouted.  Well, maybe I'd let her stay long } enough to preen her sensual feathers, um, and ... er ... polish } that erotic beak on various parts of my body, but absolutely } no more than that.  Well, the Oracle would have to be a gracious } host and offer her something to drink, yeah, that's it, } and help her towel off of course... } } Scuse me, I have some business to attend to... } } You Owe the Oracle an all-day pass to Sea World.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me scummy Oracle, >                       Is your I.Q. really so low that one must dig > deep in order to find it.  Is your I.Q. really smaller then your > shoe size?  Is it true that dinasours are more intelligent then > the great oracle?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Look, for once and for all, intelligence and wisdom are NOT the same. } Did I ever claim to have a super high IQ?  No.  Only that I am } omnicient.  To help you understand the difference, let's assume for the } sake of argument that you, mortal, are intelligent.  Now, let us compare } and contrast the two of us. } }            Supplicant                              Oracle } --------------------------------      --------------------------------- } 1.   Knows the e-mail address of      1.   Knows how to give a girl an }      the Oracle                            orgasm } } 2.   Thinks his digital watch is      2.   Thinks the way Lisa puts her }      neat                                  ankles behind her ears is }                                            neat } } 3.   Scores high on IQ tests          3.   Scores often with scrumptious }                                            young ladies with supple, }                                            perf breasts and firm thighs } } 4.   Knows what Miss December's       4.   Knows what Miss December }      measurements are from reading         tastes like }      her data sheet } } 5.   Gets good grades                 5.   Gets good head } } 6.   Wears ties to keg parties        6.   Wears girls at keg parties } } 7.   Has a Casio fx-115M calculator   7.   Knows exactly how useful }      for calculating hex, octal, and       inverse hyperbolic trig- }      binary math as well as decimal,       onometric are at getting you }      and can do inverse hyperbolic         laid }      trigonometric functions faster }      than any other calculator on the }      market (comes with a carrying }      case too) } } 8.   Thinks that it's from playing    8.   Knows the real reason your }      too much tennis                       elbow is sore and your palms }                                            are chapped } } So, foolish mortal, while you are busy insulting the Oracle by } questioning my IQ, I'm having the time of my infinitely prolonged life. } } Who's smarter? } } The Oracle doesn't want anything you've got.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Wise One: >       Is it true that cows are really people who have changed their >       physical appearance so they don't have to pay taxes?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Only some cows. You can tell the difference by looking into their eyes. } }                   (__) }                   ($$) }            /-------\/ }           / |     || }          *  ||-|--|| }             ~~    ~~ } } You owe the Oracle a complete canonical collection of cows.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I am confused.  What year is it?  Someone in my office told me that it > was 1990 but this can't be, because we have big IBM mainframes running > OS/MVS here.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In most of the world, it is 1990.  You appear to be stuck in local } time-space discontinuity. } } The oracle has done some research on your behalf, and discovered a most } disturbing phenomenon. } } Due to their large mass, IBM mainframes actually warp the space around } them and slow or reverse the passage of time.  This is known as a "Blue } hole." You must have passed too close to blue hole here in 1990 and been } sucked back to 1968.  Check your sideburns.  Say "groovy." Do you feel } silly?  If not, you are in 1968. } } Unfortunately, there is no known remedy for your condition.  Thousands } of people every year are reported MISsing. } } You owe the oracle a stack of punched cards.