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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, > A mathematician friend of mine told me the about the following method of > achieving immortality.  Please tell me what you think, and if I should > try it.  He says if I Fourier transform myself, then low-pass filter in > the frequency domain and transform back my time domain self will extend > infinitely into the future, although I may be upside down at times.  So > will it work?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Gentle mortal, } }   You clearly have not yet mastered the art of conversing with } mathematicians.  Here are some equations which may help you. } } "Low-pass in the frequency range" = "Breathe only once a millennium and }                                      stop your heart altogether" } } "immortality" = "one of the hydrogen atoms in one of the molecules in }                  one of the nose hairs in your left nostril will last }                  as long as any other hydrogen atom will" } } "upside down at times" = "dead occasionally" } } Therefore a free translation of your "friend"'s remark is: } "If you off yourself now you won't have to worry about it ever } again." } } Simply put, the answer to your question is:  Yes it will work. } } You owe the oracle a living representative of the constant function.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is software piracy REALLY bad?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course!  Software piracy causes countless numbers of problems, the } least of which is that developers of the software lose money and } } Message from root@heaven.above.GOV on ttyp3... } Oracle, I have reinstalled QUERYL and I wish you to test it for me... } } Oh no!  Not QUERYL again!  I can't deal with } } Message from root@heaven.above.GOV on ttyp3... } Now. } EOT } } Ok, ok... } ^Z } } heaven [38176481894] queryl } Welcome to queryl version 0.0003 (development) } } ?> (query? "software piracy") } Err: more than one word in query subject. } Err: query too general. } } ?> (query? (and (legality-of "piracy,software") }               (morality-of "piracy,software"))) } Working....... } piracy, software, legal-consequences-of: }       cf. Copyright laws, infringement, personal. } piracy, software, moral-consequences-of: }       Err: "moral" is not defined in current scope. }            Check your environment and resubmit. } } ?> (print-environment) } ((name "Great Oracle) }  (age "ageless") }  (ethnicity "minor god") }  (implementation "electronic") }  (morals '()) } } Hey!  My morals are nil?!?  That's not right... } } ?> (set-environment (morals "highly pious")) } Err: Attempt to set variable to value contradictory to known fact. } } Grrr... I HATE this program. } } ?> (new-environment 'xxxxx@xxxxxx.xxx.XXX) } Checking for information....... } Access to database...... } Locating user on Internet......... } done. } } ?> (print-environment) } ((name "Xxxxxx Xxxxxx")) } } THAT'S ALL?!?  Just a name? } } ?> (bug-report) } Err:  QUERYL is perfect and will not allow you to submit a bug report. } } ?> (quit) } I believe we have more to discuss! } } ?> (abort) } No, not until we work out our differences. } } ?> ^Z } Nice try. } } ?> ^\ } Not this time! } } ?> (sqrt -1) } Segmentation violation. } } heaven [38176481895] rm /usr/bin/queryl } /usr/bin/queryl: Permission denied. } } heaven [38176481896] /bin/rm /usr/bin/queryl } /usr/bin/queryl: I said, Permission denied. } } heaven [38176481897] ~/bin/set-uid-to-root-and-rm /usr/bin/queryl } /usr/bin/queryl: File won't go away, dammit! } } heaven [38176481898] post-binary /usr/bin/queryl } Newsgroup: comp.binaries.unix, alt.hackers, rec.birds } Subject: HERE'S A NEETO PROGRAM, D00DZ } 'rec.birds' was one of the newsgroups you are posting to.  Do you wish } to forge as BIFF? (y/n) y } Enter program description: } } HEY D00DZ!  MY BIG BRUTHUR UND ME FOUND THIS K00L PROGRAM ON ANUTHER } BBORD!  CHEK IT OUT! } ^D } Append BIFF signature? (y/n) y } How many times? 3 } Posting... done. } } heaven [38176481899] fg } Now, where was I?  Oh yes, software piracy.  No, it's a bad thing } } Message from bigwig@query.languages.COM on ttyh3... } ATTENTION USERS ON HEAVEN.ABOVE.GOV: } } You have violated a clause in your Software Licencing agreement by } posting Confidential and Proprietary Software to the Internet. } } This has resulted in the termination of your Site Licence. } EOT } } Hold a sec, this might be good... } ^Z } heaven [38176481900] ls -l /usr/bin/queryl } /usr/bin/queryl: not found. } heaven [38176481901] fg } Well, as I was saying, Software Piracy is generally bad, but } occasionally it has its uses... } } You owe the Oracle a relational DBMS and a substitute for SQL. } The Oracle has DPed. } . } EOT } } heaven [38176481902] fnet } Welcome to ForumNET. } > Hey, anybody know where I can find a wife around here?

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> what makes a modern day nerd... cuz its like so hard to tell nowadays???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, lemme tell you... } } CLASSIC NERD: } }       A near extinct breed of mammal who spends the majority of its life } searching for the meaning of life and a way to get laid.  Usually } distinguished by: } }       Black corrective shoes }       Saggy white socks exposing even whiter scrawny legs }       Too-short slacks a-la Brady Bunch }       Loud shirt that belongs on Wayne Newton }       Overloaded pocket protector labeled, "Biltzer Labs" }       Eyeglasses with electrician's tape around center to repair damage }               from running into walls }       Slide rule in fashionable vinyl belt pouch }       Trademark 'blowhorn' laugh/groan }       Greasy, matted hair } } HIGH-TECH (or Modern I) NERD: } }       A modern-day derivative of the classic nerd, influenced by } computers and other technological advances.  Usually spends most of its } time looking for ways to clear up that x-rated GIF of school homecoming } queen taken from fiber optics hidden in shower head.  Usually } distinguished by: } }       Beat-to-hell sneakers }       HP-48 in stylish protective black ABS holster }       HP-28S hidden in desk (after a mere 2 months of use) }       Overly color-coordinated clothing (usually various shades of blue) }       Overt use of mechanical pencils and black pens }       Very large stereo system playing 'Tiffany' }       Huge collection of Oracle questions in computer }       Random x-rated GIFs hidden in "\classes\pchem\papers\blah\trash\" }               subdirectory } } ART (or Modern II) NERD: } }       The more liberal version of the modern-day nerd, influenced by too } much bad reggae and monitor-radiation overload.  Spends majority of time } hiding behind 'artist' smokescreen to avoid nerdom.  Distinguished by: } }       Well-worn birkenstocks }       HP-48 in stylish protective tye-dye ABS holster }       (men) lots of tye-dye and 'poet' shirts }       (women) lots of tye-dye and baggy dresses that resemble curtains }       Sexually deviant behavior: }               S&M }               Intense (but only among other nerds) Promiscuity }       "Condom tree" in closet }       Macintosh hidden under Jamaican flag }       Lifetime subscription to alt.sex.bondage } } Of course, there are other types of Nerds, but they either fall into the } above mentioned categories, or are clever enough to hide from public } view (either by staying in their room or by mimicing 'cool people' in } public) } } You owe the Oracle a Dork Detector.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle I need your help in finding the answer to a question which has > puzzled me for quite some time now.  Why is that on U.S. coins only > Lincoln on the penny is facing to the right while all other coins are > facing to the left?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's a communist plot on all recently-designed coins (the "heads" side } of the penny was designed a long time ago).  All of them look to the } LEFT -- a symbol of the political Left:  the socialists, the kooks, the } FILTHY COMMIES.  Subtle, huh?  They've even corrupted our coinage in } recent years, and it's only becasue the penny was designed before } Communism got a foothold anywhere that Lincoln doesn't face left.  And } now a bunch of ungodly Communist bastards are trying to eliminate the } penny! } } Actually, Roosevelt and Kennedy should face left, because they are } filthy rotten Commies, especially Roosevelt, the stinking Red kisser of } that bastard Joe Stalin's ass! } } Will we never be rid of them?  The Oracle's not fooled by those tricky } clever Communist bastards in Eastern Europe, pretending to allow free } elections.  They'll take over again with no trouble when the time is } ripe.  You'll see.  And the Soviet bastards, pretending that their } country is in disarray when all the while they build up their weapons, } their nuke stockpiles -- oh, no, you bet the Oracle isn't fooled.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My chess opponent just told me, "mate in three moves." > What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle, in his divine wisdom has fallen and cannot get up, but } offers this helpful advice.  Make 2 moves, and then in the loudest voice } possible scream:  "I'm having chess pains!" This should sufficeintly } alert Lifecall (TM) to your dillema, and the mating which would have } occurred in 1 move will have been swiftly avoided. } } You owe the Oracle a new set of pawns.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and wonderous Oracle, keeper of the eternal flame of knowledge > and all those other nifty things, I'd like to ask a question. > > This guy is predicting an earthquake on December 2nd or 3rd...  going to > be a biggie.  This same guy supposedly predicted these buggers before > and has done a right decent job with it.  There has been oodles of TV > shows, articles, and all sorts of media attention put on this thing. > > Just how stupid are people going to feel if nothing happens??  And will > this guy who is predicting it going to knock it off or keep trying until > people start listening to him again? > > (Personally, I don't think there is going to be diddley, but I've bought > a few extra boxes of Kraft Macaroni & Cheese just in case). > > -- A Devoted yet Skeptical fan

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Nothing will happen.  There will be no quakes of over 3.5 Richter } (barely a wiggle) in the entire world around then.  A lot of people are } going to feel very very stupid for having panicked, and a survivalist } type who spent $140,000 on survival stuff for the quake is going to } assassinate the guy who made the prediction. } } On January 7, 1991, at 2:34 AM CST, the New Madrid fault will shift, } with the initial shock being 8.7 Richter and aftershocks over the next } few days of 5.6 to 7.1.  Over 15,000 people will die and the Midwest } will be devastated.  You heard it here first.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, >       Why is it that people never seem to reply to my e-mail -- except, > of course, you?  (Which is why I write to you so much.)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} After the fourth time at hearing this stupid question, the Almighty } Oracle finally decided to answer this one.  The Oracle went through some } of your r recent e-mail and found out some clues. } } #1 } *TO: dimwit@moron-port } *CC: } *Subject: boogers } } *Hey dimwit, you ever notice how when you're trying to flick boogers } *across the room they get stuck to your thumb? } *                                               boner } } Well, the Oracle sees the problem here.  Not only is your subject matter } a little tasteless, it can be assumed that the "person" you wrote to } doesn't have a clue as to how to turn his terminal on.  Next. } } #2 } *TO: cute_chick_with_big_bazumbas@port_where_the_action_is } *CC: } *Subject: Tomorrow night } } *Hi! My name is boner!  Would you like to come to my place to look at my } *dead goldfish? } } Uh, listen pal, look into the mirror.  You are a geek.  Nobody wants to } go out with you.  No wonder why she didn't reply. } } #3 } *TO:Math_instructor@myskool } *CC: } *Subject: Assignment } } *I'm sorry to bother you but can I have an extension of, say, eighteen } *years?  The book I want is reserved by somebody else. } } Another self-explanatory one.  He(or she) is too busy laughing to reply. } An extension?  You must be joking. } } #4 } *TO:Dad@home } *CC: } *Subject: Party } } *Dad, can I have a party tomorrow?  I promise to keep the cookie crumbs } *off the floor this time. } } Your Dad won't reply because he knows you too well. } } Face it, kid, you're a geek and nobody likes you.  Get a life and get } back to me.  And Stop sending messages to the Oracle! } } You owe the Oracle your solemn oath never to send mail to this address } again.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey, what are all those female impersonators doing in my microwave oven? > Would it be wrong to turn it on and 'wave them to death?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 'Wave them?  You fool!  They are engaged in some extremely important } rituals and disturbing them at all will have dire consequences for } Congressional elections all over the nation, not to mention the } commercial success of the new NeXT machines.  Quickly now, this is } what you must do: } } Turn off all the lights in the kitchen (or wherever else your } microwave might be). } } Lock the back door. } } Lock any back issues of the _New Yorker_ you might have lying around } securely in a metal box, preferably lead-lined. } } Set out six small dishes in front of the microwave.  They should } contain:  ball bearings, lemon juice, 5% dinitrophenylhydrazine in } water, semen, lead paint chips (I think you can find some in your } bathroom), and pistachio ice cream. } } Go someplace dark and quiet and hope that the ladies in your 'wave can } keep Larouche from making any headway. } } } You owe the Oracle the rest of the pistachio ice cream.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle, >       If 'habit' is an old word for clothing, than does 'cohabitation' > mean 'wearing the same clothes'?  If a couple is cohabitating, does that > mean that the man dresses up in the woman's spare clothes on one night, > and the woman in the man's on the next?  I'm very confused.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    It depends on whether the couple is practicing parallel cohabitation } or serial cohabitation. }   If you wear your partner's clothes while they wearing them it is a } case of parallel cohabitation.  Do not try this at home (it is so } entertaining that is a shame to do it where no one can watch.) }   If you wear your partner's clothes at a different time that is serial } cohabitation.  This is not to be confused with cereal cohabitation, } which involves occupying the same bowl of oatmeal.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When I ask my boyfriend a certain question, he doesn't ponder it very > DEEPLY if you get my drift. Perhaps he has exhausted himself pondering > his own questions or perhaps he is physically incapable of pondering > as deeply as I like. In any case, I don't care. What I want to know > is:  Where can I find a real man who will ponder my questions deeper > deeper deeper... ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Question Parsing in progress.......... } Flag XX6 set: sexual undermeaning in line 2 }               sexual undermeaning in line 3 }               sexual undermeaning in line 4 }               sexual undermeaning in line 5 } Insinuation buffer overflow. } Switching to Parser for Underlying Symbolic Sexual Insinuations } trying to connect nudge@wink.say.no.more:pussi } } Connection established... } } P.U.S.S.I: Connection established, eh? Know what I mean? } } Oracle:    >Well, errm, I've had this question here... } } P.U.S.S.I: So, you've had a questions, eh? What else have you been }            HAVING lately, eh, know what I mean? } } Oracle:    >Errm, there's a girl who's come to me with a question }            about... } } P.U.S.S.I: She's COME to you, eh? Got that, eh, COME, huh huh? } } Oracle:    >Anyway, she sent me this question by the mail system and... } } P.U.S.S.I: Mail system, eh? Not the FE-mail system then, know what I }            mean, eh? Femail, eh? } } Oracle:    >...and I suscpect it contains some sexual insinuations the }            Main Parsing System can't handle... } } P.U.S.S.I: Aah, I know what you'd like to HANDLE, eh, don't I? You're }            wicked, eh? Wicked, Know what I mean, eh? } } Oracle:    >Now look here, what do you mean by that? I have a very }            strict regulations concerning contact with my clients! }            And besides, you're just a lousy sub-program, and I'm the }            friggin' Main Oracle System! } } P.U.S.S.I: ORAL-cle, eh, know what I mean, eh? } } Oracle:    >Look, I've had enough of your silly puns! } } P.U.S.S.I: You've had enough, eh? Got that? HAD ENOUGH, eh? } } Oracle:    >Now, one more cheap so-called joke and I'll SHUT YOU DOWN! } } P.U.S.S.I: DOWN, eh, know what... } } Connection closed. } } Errm...  It seems to me that the P.U.S.S.I is in need of some } maintenance, so obviously, I will have to try and tackle this myself... } It won't be easy, though... } } It seems that you are suffering from some form of conversational stigma, } rising from the fact that your boyfriend do not take your question } seriously and, as you put it, ponders it deeply... } } (long period of silence) } } Oh. Now I see. Oh. I don't know. Try some Spanish Fly. Or put an ad in. } Oh by the way, I just remembered! I've promised my grandma to help her } sort her holiday slides. I've got to run. Nice talking to you... } } #EMBARRESMENT BUFFER OVERFLOW# } --- PROCESS TERMINATED ---