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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How is up?  And why does it fizzle when I say strawberry?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Up is very good; down is sometimes better; up and down can be wonderful } indeed, but the Oracle doesn't recommend it unless you're in good } physical shape. It fizzles when you say strawberry because of that } early childhood accident with the jam. You should really try to get } over that -- I've talked with Judy and she really thought you were } quite cute, and it's no use asking about up and down unless you get } over the strawberries. } } You owe the Oracle a raspberry upside down cake.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Nobody sends me electronic mail any more, except for you, wise Oracle. > You realize that you are the only friend I have in the world, don't you? > Everybody else holds me in contempt.  Actually, you probably do too, but > so far you have been kind enough not to admit it and anyhow you always > answer my e-mail, which is so good of you that it makes me want to weep > because you are being so kind. > > Anyhow I just want to write and thank you for being yourself.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There there, my dear friend. I don't reply to your notes out of mere } obligation, but because I value you highly as a person. You are a } worthwhile human being, which for some reason the world has not yet } recognized, but be assured, your time will come. } } Things always seem darkest before dawn's first light. Let's see if we } can't find some news to cheer you up. } } pearlygates% telnet future-node } Trying 128.-1.1.1 } Connected to future-node } Escape character is '^]' } } GodOS UNIX (future-node) } } login: root } Password: } Last login: Tue Nov 26, 1437AD 08:44:34 on console } GodOS Release 4.1 (DB50) #1: Thu Aug 23 11:13:17 CDT 1990 } You have mail (14409301 unread). } Read now? (y/n) n } } future-node% ls } botha           cuomo           hussein         thatcher } bush            gorbachev       pope            wellstone } cher            hopeless-dweeb  quayle } future-node% cd hopeless-dweeb } future-node% /etc/predict } Future All-Telling Enabler, Version 3.0 (beta) } Current database is hopeless-dweeb } For help, type ? } FATE> find next good news } Searching.............................................. } Searching... } FATE> display } Waitress (Thelma) at corner diner smiles at subject. } FATE> when } This Friday evening. } FATE> find next good news; display } Searching.. } Thelma consents to a date with subject. } FATE> find next 4 good news; display } Searching...... } Thelma falls in love with subject, agrees to marry subject. } Thelma's aged aunt wins lottery. } Thelma's aged aunt dies from the surprise. } Thelma inherits $3 million. } FATE> find next 4 news; display } Searching } Thelma decides to run off with rock star two days before marrying } subject. } Subject catches the flu. } Subject's computer link to the Oracle goes down for a week. } Subject becomes despondent, attempts suicide. } FATE> ^D } future-node% ^D } pearlygates% } } Whoops. Forgot to add the qualifier "good" to the requests. *Ahem*. } Well, I hope the bad news doesn't spoil the good for you. Anyway, } it seems like things will be looking up for you shortly, so cheer } up. Just remember to take your vitamin C tablets, OK? I'll talk to } the sysadmins; they can probably patch around the mail feed outage. } It probably won't happen that way anyway, I think; not necessarily, } at least. I'll try and take care of it beforehand. } } You owe the Oracle an, uh, oh never mind. Bummer.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wisest of the wiser than most, why do people spell Sigmund > Froid's name wrong?  That or why do they pronounce Sigmund Freud's name > wrong?  I am very confused...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} All right, let's explore that thought.  His name bothers you?  Uh huh. } Why do you think that might be?  Uh huh.  Uh huh.  Did you feel that way } as a child?  Uh huh.  I see.  Uh huh.  Did your mother and father feel } that way also?  Uh huh.  I see.  Uh huh.  Uh huh.  You're blocking now. } There's no sense in going on if you won't be honest with yourself and } me.  Uh huh.  That's much better. } } Uh huh.  No, I don't think that's strange, but how does it make you feel } about yourself?  Uh huh.  Uh huh.  Uh huh.  Oh, that's fairly common in } families where there is a younger brother.  Uh huh.  Uh huh.  That's } quite all right, here's a kleenex.  Uh huh.  Uh huh.  Well, that's quite } normally seen in women.  But after they reach maturity, they normally } progress from clitoral ones to vaginal ones.  Uh huh.  I see.  Uh huh. } Uh huh.  Do you now see the connection between Freud's beard and your } mother's pubic hair?  Uh huh.  What does that say to you about Freud's } tongue?  Uh huh.  Uh huh. } } Uh huh.  Uh huh.  Uh huh.  I see.  Uh huh.  Yes, that's a fairly common } dream; when it happens, just remind yourself that the shopping cart is } only a phallic symbol, and go back to sleep.  Uh huh.  No.  Uh huh.  I } see.  Yes, sometimes a banana is just a banana.  Uh huh.  I see. } Please, keep your hands to yourself.  Uh huh.  I see.  Uh huh.  Yes, if } you wish, but be sure to clean up the couch when you are done.  Uh huh. } I see.  I see.  Uh huh.  Well, I'm afraid our time is up for this week. } Please make an appointment with the Usenet secretary for, oh, two days } from now.  And call me at once if you have any more of the urges } regarding the grape jelly. } } You owe the Oracle a pacifier, or a thumb to suck on.  Oh, and $125.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How do I turn my office mate into a beautiful woman who will fall in > love with me?  I'm getting sick of him the way he is, and such a > metamorphosis would not only dispose of his current self but replace > that minx who dumped me last month for a would-be rock singer.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle is always happy to help a supplicant in need.  The spell } that you need is available by anonymous FTP from } oraclevax.oracle.heaven.org, directory } /pub/oracle/spells/sex/R/sex-transform.  Since you want an instant Love } At First Sight reaction, replace the yak blood with a rooster's comb, } and let stand for twelve minutes rather than ten. } } Works like a charm.  Well, of course, it IS a charm. } } OK, that looks good.  NO YOU FOOL, DON'T DRINK IT YOURSELF!  <poof> Oh, } dear, you've changed yourself into an gorgeous woman who ... just fell } in love with your officemate.  Uh, shouldn't you at least find a } conference room before you ... well, I guess not. } } This one's on the Oracle.  The reverse potion is also available by } anonymous FTP in /pub/oracle/spells/sex/R/sex-transform-anti, when you } two run out of condoms.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       What's the best way to kick the habit of read-news?!? > >       Thanx.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                               I'm sorry you never contacted me before } this...  such addictions are more easily halted in the earlier stages, } when you're still experimenting with Read-News.  But you've admitted you } have a problem, and that's a very important first step, sometimes the } hardest part of rehabilitation.  As for the rest of the treatment, there } are several very good centers in various locations across the country to } help you kick your habit, including a new wing in the Betty Ford Center } devoted entirely to RNS (Read-News Syndrome) research and rehab. } However, these clinics are expensive, so if you cannot afford the } treatment, here is a fairly simple regimen you can perform in your own } home, with the help of an understanding loved one, parent, or friend. } } The first step: } } 1) Detoxification:  your system must be flushed out and all thoughts of } read-news expelled.  The best way to accomplish this is to sit in front } of a television set watching "I Love Lucy" reruns for 20 hours straight. } Harsh methods, but effective.  Unfortunately, this can lead to its own } problems, but the clinics available for dealing with I.L.L.S.  are much } cheaper. } }     There are two possible paths you can take for a second step, both } equally effective. } } 2a) Cold Turkey:  take a sledgehammer to whatever terminal/device you're } using.  Stay away from modems and networks.  Whenever you get the urge } to look at read-news, have a stick of gum instead.  Think about baseball } statistics.  This method takes some time, but is easier as time goes on. } } The other option is: } } 2b) Negative Reinforcement:  you'll need some help with this one.  Have } a terminal with read-news perpetually available.  Have someone strap you } into a chair in front of the terminal.  Every time that your eyes stray } to the screen, have them thwack you on the head with a ball-peen hammer. } You will swiftly lose any desire to ever look at read-news, if you don't } lose consciousness first. } }                               Repeat this regimen for 90 days, and by } the end you may be exhausted, strung out, or hospitalized, but you will } look better and feel better about yourself.  And read-news will be out } of your life. } }                               And remember:  December 17 is the Great } American Read-Out.  Help stamp out read-news addiction by sponsoring } someone you know, and helping them kick the habit. } } (Now if only it were that easy to stop perpetually writing to the } Oracle...) } } You owe the Oracle a fix of anything.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hypothetically speaking, how may I topple the priesthood and omniscient > body of a group giving answers to questions and replace it with my > own Marxist-Leninist regime? I would appreciate an answer that involves > no personal risk.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Too late, comrade! } } And to insure you never tell anyone about this, I'm sending you a } computer virus! }                            \  /\  / }                  /    \  /\ \/\/\/ /\  /    \ }                  \     \/  \/\/\/\/  \/     / }                   \  /\    /\/\/\/\    /\  / }                   /\/  \  /\/\/\/\/\  /  \/\ }                  /      \/\/\/\/\/\/\/      \ }                         /\/\/\/\/\/\/\ }                    /\  /  \/\/  \/\/  \  /\ }                   /  \/    \/    \/    \/  \ }                  /                          \ }                 /                            \ } } You owe the Oracle some punctuation -- I'm running low.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Oracle, I feel that in the spirit of true capitalism you should > have competition. Therefore, I, Chi-Lai Ghe, representing the > Fortune Cookie Guild, challenge you to a question duel. Below I > enclose three sample questions and our Cookie answers. Top this! > > 1. What is the air speed velocity of an African swallow? >    Cookie: "Ask your inner soul and you will be rewarded with truth." > > 2. How may we balance the budget? Signed, the United States Congress. >    Cookie: "Your love life will soon take a turn for the better." > > 3. My thirteen-year-old wants to know "Is there really a Santa Claus?" >    What should I tell her? >    Cookie: "Confucious say, this above all else, be true to thine own >    self."

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Boy, you guys have some sort of nerve, challenging me in my own forum. } Well alright, it sort of sounds like fun, dueling with a whole guild. } } > 1. What is the air speed velocity of an African swallow? } >    Cookie: "Ask your inner soul and you will be rewarded with truth." } }      Me: "30 kph with a good tailwind and clean feathers. Dirt slows it }           down; hunger speeds it up, then kills it; coconuts don't }           affect it because it can't peck through the shell, and }           wouldn't want all those nasty tropical oils anyway; crosswinds }           make it much faster because it just lands and takes Northwest }           Airlines where it's already accumulated 18,000 frequent flier }           miles." }           Unlike certain people, the Oracle is quantitative. } } > 2. How may we balance the budget? Signed, the United States Congress. } >    Cookie: "Your love life will soon take a turn for the better." } }      Me: "Get a second mortgage on the country from a Savings and Loan, }           then declare bankruptcy and default on the loan. Don't worry }           about what the company or its depositors will do - their }           accounts are FSLIC insured." }           Unlike certain people, the Oracle never resorts to irrelevance }           when it can be stupid instead. } } > 3. My thirteen-year-old wants to know "Is there really a Santa Claus?" } >    What should I tell her? } >    Cookie: "Confucious say, this above all else, be true to thine own } >    self." } }      Me: "Not anymore. Santa Claus lives in a pocket universe whose }           contact with any child's world ends on their twelfth birthday, }           or when the kid asks for too many toys her or his parents }           can't afford, whichever comes first." }           Although Kinder and Gentler than many, the Oracle talks }           straight, and never miss-attributes garbled quotations. } } So, have you been sufficiently humiliated, demoralized, ground into dirt } and blown away?  A wise man knows the value of few words.  You will make } a small sum of money from an investment -- give it to the Oracle with a } nice bowl of hot and sour soup.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Magnificent Oracle, whose wisdom teeth impact the whole world with > dental agony, > > I haven't had a dental checkup in ten years. Is it worth it to go in, > or should I just blow my jaw off with a shotgun and be done with dental > floss once and for all?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Comparison of Dental Checkup Techniques:  A Field Study by the Oracle, } MD, DDS, PHD, MS, BS, CPA, and a BMF besides. } } One hundred mortal subjects were selected based on their lack of dental } checkups over a period no less than five years previous to this date. } This was accomplished by the convenient method of rounding up people } found in college computer labs on Friday and Saturday nights, and giving } those people Breathalyzer(TM) tests.  Those for whom the Breathalyzer } machine turned sickly green were selected as subjects. } } Fifty of the subjects were selected at random to receive a dental } checkup via Method A (dentist), while the others received Method B } (twelve-gauge).  The experiment was triple-blind - i.e., the subjects } did not know at any time which treatment they were receiving, the } experimenters did not know at any time which treatment they were } administering, and the Oracle has consistently disavowed knowledge of } the entire experiment. } } Criteria listed below were checked during treatment and at various times } afterwards, as appropriate. } } Criteria               Method A                Method B } --------               --------                -------- } patient expressed      yes, quite loudly       patients' expressions }   pain during                                    were priceless during }   treatment                                      treatment } patient requested      yes, quite loudly       patient seemed too }   painkillers                                    surprised to react }   during treatmen } patient was able       yes, some left early    patients were kept for }   go home same day                               further supervision } patient expressed      yes, there were         no patient spoke out }   negative feelings      complaints              against their }   about treatment                                treatment }   afterwards } patient mentioned      no such comments        all patients sat in }   looking forward to                             chair, quietly }   next treatment                                 looking forward } mortality rate         zero percent            102 percent (one }   within a week                                  experimenter was }                                                  accidentally shot) } lawsuits filed         three                   forty-four }   within a week } } As is clear from the data above, Method B is superior to Method A in } almost all respects.  Method B is less expensive, much simpler and } quicker, and leads to far fewer complaints on the part of the patient. } Further study is likely to reveal that Method B can be administered by a } "dentist" with far less experience than that required by Method A - that } is, a duck-hunting license will suffice in lieu of a DDS. } } You owe the Oracle all that dental floss you won't be needing.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, so great and wise, please answer my question; > > Why does the hot water run out just as I put conditioner on my hair?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is a straightforward application of Murphy's Law that requires no } further elaboration. } } What you should have asked me is what you can do about the problem. } The answer is to use new Pert Plus!  Shampoo and conditioner in one } bottle!  Just wash and go.  Saves time!  No hot water problems!  And new } Pert Plus helps control even the toughest dandruff!  Why waste time } with two separate bottles when now there's new Pert Plus! } }                       -------------------- } } BTW, for a very reasonable fee, the Oracle will promote your company's } products in its answers.  An endorsement from the Oracle carries } enormous credibility! } } We deliver superb demographics!  Our studies show that Oracle users are: }  -- young (80% are 18-25), }  -- well-educated (98% are in college or are college graduates), and }  -- have profound personal problems (time since last lay: 2-4 weeks, }     24%; more than 4 weeks 61%). } } This is a market ripe for exploitation with products in: }  -- personal care (56% don't wash enough), }  -- sexual hygiene (while 23% are embarrassed to buy condoms, 46% buy }       more than they need, whenever their unlaid friends are watching), }  -- software (67% use computer games as a sexual substitute at least }       once a week), }  -- forestry volumetric equipment (32% express an interest in the }       productivity of woodchucks). } } Don't let your competitors beat you to this remarkable marketing } opportunity!  Call our sales department now to find out how simple and } effective Oracle-Advertising can be!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The horse kicks back the afternoon by a long shot. In red, the > jealous lizzard plays the drawer out of the lawnmower. But read > the bus over the kitchen skin while the exaggeration turns like > a butterfly. Don't forget between the three books. After all, > cars fly pies in the morning and you may need to shave the day > by boiling my glasses in a vacuum cleaner.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The grey carpet mold under palm trees sweetly in the purple sky. Prime } juxtaposition for factions of unearthly mountainous creamers lies within } jello-roll coated television raster pickup spectrum info. Telephones, } telephones, telephones }                       TELEPHONES!!!! } Why are there so many telephones???? } Why are there SOOOOO many buttons on telephones???? } Buttons and buttons fopr eveything like lights and stoves and toasters } and cars and microwaves and CD players and igloos.  A BUTTON FOR AN } IGLOO?? } HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!! } Whadaya?  Press it and the igloo collapses into an icecube that you can } put into your gin and tonic.  HAH, drinkable domiciles.  Now is that an } idea or is that an idea?  No room for choice there, ducky?  No room or } no room, what?  Your perception of reality is directly related to your } IQ by applying the fourier transformation to non-linear functions. } IS MTV GOD? } No, but they sure as hell wanna be. } "I LOVE MY MTV" sung to cathedral music. Indeed!!!<indignant snort> } But it's true though, those motherfuckers want to influence the whole } world.  Look at that, it's MTV this, MTV that, @#@#$%$^%%$^^%^&%%#$#@#. } UP YOURS! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! } } <Sounds of exploding TV set> } } } } } So you think YOU had a bad trip?? } } You owe the oracle three sheets and a pigs wing.