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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is it that all of the hair on your body, (including eyebrows and > eyelashes), except the hair on your head, grows to a certain length and > then stops?  Who determines how long your eyelashes grow before they > stop?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, finally an intelligent question. I wonder why there has been } such a shortage. Perhaps the ablest of mortal wisdom seekers } have been repulsed by the number of foolish answers that have } come from certain incarnations of the Usenet Oracle; or perhaps } they have gone on to other tasks that do not require the wit } and wisdom the Oracle can provide. Whatever, it is certainly } gratifying to receive such a well-posed question, with no spelling } errors and only the most minor of grammatical flaws (that first } comma isn't really needed). And not only that, but it's a question } that I'm sure has occurred to many of the readers of the Oracularities, } and is thus of singular worthiness. I'm sure (I'm the Oracle, } after all) that I speak for the entire Usenet community in saying } "thank you; at last, a question worthy of the Oracle." } } Anyway, to answer your question, I don't know. } } You owe the Oracle a lock of your hair, from a site of your choice.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I did some shrooms last night and ended up giving a speech to a huddled > mass, and now I have a group of guys following me around asking me for > more!  It's almost as if they WORSHIP me or something?  What am I to do? > >                                       Signed, Jesus H. Christ.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hey, Jesus! Boy, are you lucky you met me!! } } What you need is a manager. An agent. Oracle at your service. } } Okay.  First we got yer basic royalties.  Over just the last few } centuries, we've had up to a billion people a year buying Jesus } paintings, Jesus crosses, using your name in publicity and writings, on } television.  And of course your mother left you all of her royalties in } her will.  It's a multi-trillion dollar industry!  Religion is a risky } but high-profit investment.  Is it true you started out without almost } NOTHING to accomplish this empire?  I make almost no money myself, but } hey, I'm still trying. } } Then we got yer public appearances.  You've got to do Jeopardy and Wheel } of Fortune, and the Johnny Carson show.  We'll skip Oprah unless she } starts crying - I know how you have a weakness for crying women. } } Finally, I've been trying to get into the miracles business for } centuries.  Predicting the future is about as far as I get.  We don't } want multiplying loaves of bread, but how about cleaning all the junk } out of our rivers and streams?  How about bringing all the extinct } species back to life and curing all diseases?  We'll have a Red Light } Special sale on forgiving all sins - can you imagine how much someone } would pay for a Key to the City of Heaven? } } Of course, we're going to have a few Public Relations problems in the } form of billions of requests for reincarnation, and we really can't } feed all those people with the current world crops. And of course } there'll be that nuclear holocaust when various unnamed non-Christian } religions get real cranky. Plus there'll be an internal holy war when } you are forced to choose between Catholicism and Protestantism. And of } course since you providing everything is simpler than producing it } ourselves, we'll all become feeble sheep lying around watching TV all } day and praying for extra Cheese Whiz. Hmm. } } Tell you what. How about postponing that second coming another couple of } millenia? Whaddya say? That's a sport. } } You owe the Oracle a shirt with "Christ died for your sins and all I got } was this bloody T-shirt".

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most Oracular, > It seems the quality of questions being posed to you has > gone down quite precipitously. Can you tell me why that > might be?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Like the proverbial cooks, the quality of questions is an inverse } function of the number of persons involved.  When only a few people ask } questions to the Oracle, the quality of questions is very high. } However, when many more people contribute, the quality, like the broth, } decreases. } } The Oracle therefore suggests that no one send questions to the Oracle } so that the quality of questions will be infinitely great. } } You owe the Oracle a slide rule and a bowl of minestrone soup.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Rice a Roni is yummy. > Milli Vanilli is silly. > Is anything alive anymore?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Now listen up cos' I'm saying Yo, } This is the rap of the Oracle bro! } I'm here to tell ya who's still alive } And that for one ain't the Jackson Five } } I guess you thought that Bobby was dead } At least he was in some dumb broad's head } With Dallas pushing season fortyfive } That sucker Bobby he is still alive } } Did Elvis die in '77 } And did he really go to rock'n'roll heaven? } No, there ain't nuttin' that doctors can't fix } He's still alive and playing hot licks } } And Keith, my man, in the Rollin' Stones } He's a living wreck, just skin and bones } But don't you worry, now don't you fear } He changes his blood on a clinic each year } } I guess by now my friend you see } Cohen, Beatle, Rolling Stone or BeeGee } They're here to stay, they're here to thrive } Aah Aah Aah Aah Staying alive! } } You owe the Oracle a Papa Dee CD.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh shit, when I wrote the universe, I didn't find a bug in the microcode > of physics, and now, no one can break the speed of light.  Should I fix > the bug and just recompile the universe? >                                               Love, God.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Err, You're asking my advice, Sir?  Surely You already know .. } } HOW DARE YOU TELL ME WHAT I KNOW?!  ANSWER MY QUESTION! } } Well, alright, I guess if You feel my opinion would be useful I .. } } DID I SAY THAT??  DON'T PUT WORDS INTO *MY* MOUTH OR I MIGHT PLANT AN } OAK TREE IN YOURS.  NOW GIVE ME AN ANSWER, PRONTO. } } Well I think the Universe has developed pretty well so far, so if I were } You I'd just leave .. } } IF YOU WERE ME??!?  WATCH YOUR SACRILIGIOUS MOUTH, YOU FOOL!  SO YOU'RE } TELLING ME I SHOULD LEAVE CREATION FAULTY, IS THAT IT? } } Err, yes Your Magnificence, I guess I, well no, I mean it's not a very } big flaw .. } } YOU WANT ME TO TOLERATE A MAR ON THE PERFECTION OF MY HANDIWORK, IS THAT } RIGHT, OH FOOLISH ORACLE?? } } Well, when You put it that way Sir, I guess you should recompile the .. } } SO NOW YOU'RE TELLING ME TO JUST THROW AWAY 10 BILLION YEARS OF EFFORT. } JUST CHUCK IT ALL OUT, IS THAT RIGHT?  HMMM?  IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE } TELLING ME YOU INCOMPARABLE IDIOT?  <CRACKLE CRACKLE> } } Look Sir, I don't really know .. } } WELL *THAT'S* ABUNDUNTLY CLEAR!  AND TELL ME, WHAT GOOD IS AN ORACLE } THAT DOESN'T KNOW ANYTHING, HMM?? } } **** Z A R K ***** } } HEH, HEH.  NOTHING LIKE PICKING ON AN UNDERLING TO CHEER UP A DAY.  WHAT } ARE ALL YOU PEOPLE STARING AT?  OFF WITH YOU BEFORE TRANSFORM YOUR } DAUGHTERS INTO PIA ZADORA CLONES! } } <Oooog.  You owe the Oracle a BIG bottle of asprin.>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh all-knowing gang-bang-pathing router of universal knowledge, I > beseech of thee... >     Did Milli Vanilli really give George Bush the "Read My Lips" idea?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As you know, Milli is the President's dog and advises him on all matters } of National importance.  In this case the "Read My Lips" idea was } designed to actually let Milli do the President's talking for him. } Unfortunately, new to the English language, many of Milli's utterances } were subtley misunderstood.  Thus, "no new ticks and fleas" became "no } new taxes please" and "dead quail" became "Dan Quayle." While it is } scary that a house pet is influencing affairs of state, we can be glad } that Milli is not nearly as error-prone as Nixon's dog Checkers; who } started the whole Watergate mess with a comment about tapeworms. } } You owe the Oracle a Harts 2 in 1 collar and a dreadlock wig.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is Zeno's Paradox ? > If you don't know don't answer at all!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Zeno's paradox is best illustrated as follows:  I'll give you half of } the answer to your question -- } } > Zeno was a famous Greek philosopher who attempted to prove that motion } > does not exist.  The most famous of his paradoxes goes like this: } > suppose we want to move from point A to point B.  We do so by moving } > to a point halfway between A and B, then to another p } } Then half of the remaining answer to your question -- } } > oint halfway between there and B, and to another point halfway between } > there and B, and so on and so on.  As you can see, since t } } And half of the next part -- } } > here is always some distance left between the point we're at and } } And the next part -- } } >  point B, we never get to point } } And the next -- } } > B.  Hence, motio } } And the next -- } } > n is imp } } And so on -- } } > ossi } } And so on -- } } > bl } } And so on -- } } > e } } See, you *still* have no idea what I'm talking about, right? } } QED.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear powerful and compassionate oracle, > > I am but a lowly temporary employee with no status in my workplace. > In the office nextdoor is a senior staff person who is singing "Gloria > in excelsis Deo" and "Deck the halls" just loud enough to drive me > batty through our thin walls.  He's been doing it since I came in this > morning, and he was going almost all day yesterday.  How can I get him > to shut up while not losing my job? > > I will do almost anything for your answer.  Please, in your kindness, > help me.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah yes, singing bright, cheerful holiday songs.  Those wonderful, quaint } things that liven our days and remind us of all the glorious things that } the holidays mean. } } The last entity that tried that around the Oracular workstation was } reduced to a sub-atomic particle in Rosanne Barr's left cheek. } } Trust me, I can sympathize with your problem. } } The answer?  Rather simple...fight back!  If you can get away with } playing music of your own, bring in "Punk Rock Christmas" or "Have a } Smurfish Holiday" or "Chipmunks do Chaunakah." Something like that.  Use } repeated applications. } } Plan 'B' :  tape-record the offender and let *EVERYONE* hear *just* how } off-key he is.  (This won't work for anyone who actually can *use* their } voice) } } Plan 'C' :  join in.  Loudly.  In a different octave if you can manage } it.  This becomes even more effective (and safer for you) if you can } find more malcontents in the office to help. } } Plan 'D' :  forge a memo from someone MORE senior who doesn't bother } with such trivial things as looking at bulletin boards, and post it. } Complain of "unruly disturbances" in the workplace.  Bah humbug. } } You owe the Oracle a pair of earmuffs.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is it just me or does Ed McMahon resemble a clydesdale horse?  I > wouldn't want publishers clearinghouse sweepstakes check given to me by > a farm animal. > Why can't they substitute a celbrity that resembles a bengal tiger? > That would be much more exciting.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle is pleased to reassure you that it isn't just you.  It } isn't even a coincidence.  Ed McMahon was in fact chosen *because } of* his resemblance to a clydesdale horse.  Ed McMahon read for } the publishers' clearinghouse part against several other } celebrities, including one who resembled a Bengal tiger, one } resembling a black widow spider, one resembling a domestic cat, } and one resembling a pile of pig dung.   Extensive market } research studies showed that consumers found the Bengal tiger } celebrity too exciting, the black widow spider too frightening, } the domestic cat too independent, and the pile of pig dung too } smelly.  On the other hand, they were reassured and at ease } around the dull but comforting clydesdale horse, Ed McMahon. } } It's really too bad that you wouldn't be able to bring yourself } to accept a check from a farm animal, though.  I'll let them know } to go immediately to the runner-up this time. } } Amazing coincidence, you writing just now! } } You owe the Oracle a lovely free gift with her paid } subscription.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty and truly c00l oracle. > > What shall I do? I THINKD I'm turning into a BiffClone. > All the TYMe II TIPE S0METHYNG it sounds like BIFF > > BIFFZ A REEL C00L D00D AND AWL, BUT IT"Z DRYYVIN MY FRENDS CRAZY. > PLEEZ HELP ME MR. 0RACUL. I THINKZ THAT IT W00D BE B0GUZ TO TAK LIKE > DIS FOEREVEHR.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Standard Earthquake and Transmogrification Safety Guideline, Rev. 3 } ------------------------------------------------------------------- } } 1) Don't Panic. } } 2) Ignore crackpot quake predictions and surfboards. } } 3) If you feel the onset of a tremor or a capital B, hide under the }    nearest table. } } 4) If books start falling off the walls or you feel the urge to say }    C00L, break one eyeglass lens, jump out from under the table and }    start waving a sliderule at the earth. This will usually fend off the }    evil spirits. } } 5) If the building starts to fall rattle or you hear yourself say BOGUZ, }    enrole immediately in Accounting 304: "How to make money off natural }    disasters in major metropolitan areas." This is your best bet. } } 6) Panic.