|
} No! You're not doing it! You're not actually telling me that I'm not
} funny! Great, now I've had it. Oh no, they've broken through the
} door! They're handcuffing me! They said one more complaint and I'd
} be arrested, and here they are, making good on it... (whimper)
}
} - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
}
} (Scene: A courtroom. Another trial is going on right now. The
} defendant is accused of breaking into a department store late at night
} and stealing money out of the cash registers.)
}
} Judge: Call your first witness.
}
} Counsel: I call the defendant, Joe Sweet.
}
} (Joe takes the witness stand. Counsel stands up.)
}
} Counsel: What were you doing the night of May 12?
}
} Joe: (Dreamy, innocent look on his bright happy face)
} I was home alone with my cats for some quality time.
}
} Counsel: Is this your normal nightly routine?
}
} Joe: (Dreamy look) Oh, yes...
}
} Counsel: No further questions. (Sits down)
}
} Judge: Cross examination.
}
} Prosecutor: (Standing up) You've told us what you were doing
} the night of May 12.
}
} Joe: (Smiling) That's right, yes.
}
} Prosecutor: But the court records indicate the robbery occured
} on May 15!
}
} Joe: (Gleaming eyes) Yes, they do say that.
}
} Prosecutor: THEN WHAT'S THE POINT OF TELLING US ABOUT MAY 12?!
}
} Joe: (Shifting uncomfortably) Well, no point at all,
} really.
}
} Prosecutor: I put it to you that you robbed the department store
} that night!
}
} Joe: (Defiantly) Oh yeah? Have any witnesses?
}
} Prosecutor: Yes, I do! (To Judge) No further questions... I'd
} like to bring out my witness!
}
} (Joe leaves the stand and sits down. Bailiff carries in a mannequin
} and sits it in the witness stand.)
}
} Judge: What, the mannequin is your witness?
}
} Prosecutor: That's correct. Now, if I may proceed...
}
} Counsel: Objection! This is completely silly!
}
} Prosecutor: All will be revealed soon, your Honor. May I proceed?
}
} Judge: Go ahead, prosecutor, but you're treading on thin ice
} with this one.
}
} Prosecutor: Thank you. (Clears throat, addresses the witness) Mr.
} Mannequin, did you observe the defendant breaking
} into the department store where you are employed on
} the night of May 15?
}
} (Mannequin is completely silent and motionless.)
}
} Counsel: Your Honor, this is ridiculous! I move for a mistrial!
}
} Judge: What do you have to say for yourself, prosecutor?
}
} Prosecutor: My witness is nervous! Having to see the defendant
} in court has emotionally distressed Mr. Mannequin!
} I move for a two week recess for his recuperation.
}
} Judge: Granted. We continue this case in two weeks. (Bangs
} gavel)
}
} Joe: (Standing up) Wait a minute! All this inquiry and
} probing has undermined my emotional stability too!
} What about me?
}
} Judge: Well, what do you want?
}
} Joe: (Dreamy look in his eye) I could sure use a good
} woman...
}
} Judge: Right. See the clerk for your court-appointed
} girlfriend. (Bangs gavel) Next case.
}
} (The prosecutor picks up the mannequin, and then he, the counsel,
} the judge, and Joe leave the courtroom. The Usenet Oracle stand
} up and walks slowly to the defendant's table, accompanied by his
} lawyer. The Internet Attorney, who is prosecuting the case, takes
} his table. The jury slowly files in.)
}
} Oracle: (Looking at the jury) Oh no! Not them!
}
} (He gapes at the jury, recognizing them as the ones who select
} the answers to be posted: oz, jhm, elr, jim, squid, jonmon,
} joshua, felton, rhalonen, mzintl, kinzler, and porter. Shivers
} run up and down his spine.)
}
} Clerk: Mr. Oracle, you stand accused of not fulfilling your
} Oracular duties, under section 1 of your job contract.
} How do you plead?
}
} Oracle: Not guilty!
}
} (The courtroom breaks out in an uproar. Finally, the judge brings
} order.)
}
} Judge: Order in the court! Order in the court! There'll
} be plenty of time for all that later, so just sit
} tight! (Turns to prosecutor) Call your first
} witness.
}
} Prosecutor: Thank you. I call the Supreme Being to the stand.
}
} (God, in the form of an old man wearing a flowing white robe,
} takes the witness stand.)
}
} Prosecutor: Do you know the defendant, your Beingness?
}
} God: Yes, I do. He's a constant source of annoyance to me.
}
} Prosecutor: How so?
}
} God: Every time I turn around, my e-mail box is filled
} with his stupid questions! I don't even have time
} to keep stars from colliding with each other!
}
} Prosecutor: Didn't you give Mr. Oracle his own omniscience?
}
} God: Yes, I did, but the coward doesn't even trust his
} own opinion!
}
} Prosecutor: Since you provide some of his answers, doesn't that
} make you partially responsible for their humor?
}
} God: I should say not! It's not my job to be funny!
} It's the Oracle's job! I give him the correct
} answers, I don't have to make them funny!
}
} Prosecutor: Thank you. No further questions, your Honor.
}
} Judge: Cross examination.
}
} (Counsel stands up and walks to the witness stand.)
}
} Counsel: Your Beingness, when the defendant asked your for
} answers to his questions, did you answer all of them?
}
} God: Well, yes.
}
} Counsel: And did you ever refuse to answer one because you
} didn't want to?
}
} God: Well, no, but...
}
} Counsel: Isn't it also true that you aren't truly omnipotent?
}
} God: Now wait a minute here...
}
} Counsel: In fact, your Beingness, isn't it true that because
} of your own incompetence, nothing can go faster than
} the speed of light?
}
} God: Now look here, you bastard...
}
} Counsel: In fact, isn't it true that because of your own
} incompetence in communicating, you allowed scum
} like Charlie Manson and Jim Jones to trick people
} into believing they were Jesus Christ?
}
} God: Hey, I'm not the one on trial here!
}
} Counsel: Isn't it true, your Beingness, that you are little
} more than a slightly superior version of a common
} human's immortal soul?!
}
} Prosecutor: Objection! The witness is not on trial!
}
} Judge: Sustained.
}
} Counsel: No further questions.
}
} (God leaves the witness stand, rather peeved.)
}
} Judge: Call your next witness, prosecutor.
}
} Prosecutor: I'd like to call the Oracle to the stand.
}
} (Oracle stands up and takes the witness stand.)
}
} Prosecutor: (Putting a chart in front of the witness) Mr. Oracle,
} I have here a statistical breakdown of the voting
} results for your musings in the Oracularities.
}
} Rating # Occurences Compiled Nov 30 12:18pm
} ------ ------------
} 1.4 X 2
} 1.5 X 2
} 1.6 X 2
} 1.7 XX 4
} 1.8 XXX 5
} 1.9 XXXXXX 11
} 2.0 XXXXXX 11
} 2.1 XXXXXXXXXXXX 24
} 2.2 XXXXXXXXX 18
} 2.3 XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX 34
} 2.4 XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX 65
} 2.5 XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX 54
} 2.6 XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX 82
} 2.7 XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX 88
} 2.8 XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX 93
} 2.9 XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX 114
} 3.0 XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX 99
} 3.1 XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX 96
} 3.2 XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX 89
} 3.3 XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX 86
} 3.4 XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX 92
} 3.5 XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX 72
} 3.6 XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX 53
} 3.7 XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX 43
} 3.8 XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX 39
} 3.9 XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX 32
} 4.0 XXXXXXXXX 18
} 4.1 XXXXXX 11
} 4.2 XXX 5
} 4.3 XXXX 8
} 4.4 XX 3
} 4.5 X 2
} 4.6 X 1
} 4.7 X 1
} 4.9 X 1
}
} Prosecutor: Your average is around 2.9! Not only are these
} the best of all your musings, but your average is
} below 3.0, which is DESIGNATED as average!
} What do you have to say for yourself?
}
} Oracle: Hey, look, I did get a 4.9 rating once!
}
} Prosecutor: Yeah, I looked into that. Turns out that was an
} answer from your janitor.
}
} Oracle: Well, then these ratings are all my janitor's fault!
} If it wasn't for his answers in there, I would be
} doing much better! Anyways, right after I found
} that, I fixed the problem!
}
} Prosecutor: That response from your janitor was in Oracularities
} #102, and the voting started on issue #100. Your
} janitor could not have messed up the results from
} #103 onward.
}
} Oracle: Oh.
}
} Prosecutor: In light of that, what do you have to say for
} yourself?
}
} Oracle: (Standing up, dazed) I don't get it. I just don't
} get it. (Begins walking around.) I spend all my
} time working. I pour my heart out to create the
} funniest responses for my readers. (Prosecutor
} and Judge watch Oracle walk around.) I know I've
} written funnier responses than what that graph
} shows... what could be the problem? I mean, my
} overseers pick my best and post them in...
}
} (Oracle looks up, gasps, and runs to the jury box.)
}
} Oracle: It's them! It's their fault! These are the guys
} that make the Oracularities postings! They're the
} ones that pick the responses! It's not my fault!
} It's their fault!
}
} Prosecutor: Objection! The jury is not on trial here!
}
} Judge: Sustained.
}
} Counsel: Objection! My client has a very valid point!
}
} Judge: Sustained.
}
} Prosecutor: No further questions. (Sits down.)
}
} (The Oracle returns to his table, smiling. The jury looks nervous.)
}
} Judge: Call your next witness, prosecutor.
}
} Prosecutor: The prosecution rests.
}
} Judge: Call your first witness, counsel.
}
} Counsel: I call the jury.
}
} (The jury looks confused for a moment, then slowly stand up and
} cram themselves in the witness box, Kinzler at the front. Counsel
} walks to the witness box.)
}
} Counsel: Mr. Kinzler, do you know the defendent?
}
} Kinzler: Yes, I do. He's an executable file in my
} home directory.
}
} Counsel: What are you saying?
}
} Kinzler: The Oracle is not an omniscient being! He's just
} a server program on a mainframe! The questions
} are answered by people on the Internet!
}
} Counsel: (To Judge) Objection! Hearsay!
}
} Judge: Sustained.
}
} Kinzler: Of course it's hearsay! I'm here saying it!
} What do you expect me to do?
}
} Counsel: (Ignoring him) Aren't you the ones that choose
} the responses for posting?
}
} Kinzler: Well, yes.
}
} Counsel: Then aren't you responsible for their humor content?
}
} Kinzler: I guess so.
}
} Counsel: Then why are the voting results so meager?
}
} Kinzler: How are we supposed to get a new Oracularities out
} every day without throwing in some stinkers?
}
} Counsel: Why every day?
}
} (Kinzler thinks for a minute, gapes at the rest of the jury, and
} looks back at Counsel)
}
} Kinzler: Good point! I won't be so quick to post Oracularities!
} Sheesh, why didn't I think of that before? (To Oracle)
} Sorry, old buddy. We've been making it look bad so
} we could meet a deadline, and we didn't even have a
} deadline!
}
} Oracle: I'll forgive you if you take back that crack about
} me just being a server program.
}
} Kinzler: Of course I take that back. I'm sorry.
}
} Judge: Do you wish to drop the charges, prosecutor?
}
} Prosecutor: Yes, we do.
}
} Judge: Good. This court finds the defendant not guilty.
} This court is adjourned. (Bangs gavel)
}
} - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
}
} All right! The truth finally came out. Now I can sleep easier at
} nights.
}
} Oh, don't be worried about that crack about being a server program.
} That's just an apparency. I possess the minds of many a hacker
} over the Internet and write the responses through them. Of course
} they think THEY'RE writing them. I was going to have an account
} on iuvax.cs but I couldn't possess a computer, so we did it this
} way. No harm done, right?
}
} You owe the Oracle lawyer's fees for getting me into this mess.
} You also owe sboswell@ucsd.edu some aspirin for his headache. Being
} possessed is not pleasant.
|
![[IO]](https://kinzler.com/picons/db/domains/org/internetoracle/unknown/face.gif){kind=small}
